Look for the Logic
When a couple comes into my therapy office, often one person will say, "I just don't understand my husband/wife. What s/he's doing makes no sense to me. S/he's behaving completely irrationally." At first glance, this may seem true. But, I have found that people actually do have some kind of "logic" underlying their behavior. There is a reason for why people do what they do -- or don't do. But, the "logic" behind someone's behavior does not always make sense to that person's life partner.
There are a few reasons why someone's behavior is not understood. Often the person may be reluctant to share their "logic" with their mate. Sometimes it may contain information that may be upsetting to their mate -- such as, "I do this during sex because I'm not really all that sexually attracted to you anymore and it helps me get aroused" or "I'm not having sex with you because I'm having an affair."
There are also some instances in which the "logic" behind the behavior is not even known to the person who is behaving in accordance with it. That is when an experienced therapist can help the person uncover their "logic" and then share it with their mate.
What's an example of this? If a woman feels that she lacks control in her relationship in ways that really matter to her, she might unconsciously be looking for other ways to regain that control. She might withhold sex. Or she might start to have sex and then "lose interest" midway through and have "no idea why." Others looking at the relationship could argue that indeed she has a great deal of control in the relationship since sex is a fairly powerful aspect of most relationships. But until she thinks differently, the opinions of others will not matter and she might continue the sexual starvation diet for her partner while not making the connection between that and the other aspects of her relationship.
So, for such a woman, sex may be the area in which she equalizes whatever she may feel is out of balance. She may not be balancing the spreadsheet consciously, but it's going on anyway. Once she and her partner understand this, they can consciously look for ways to keep the relationship "in balance," rather than be at the mercy of this kind of emotional math. Ideally, a sex therapist could help discover these issues and minimize the blame -- from there they can see what is possible for their relationship.
Related Topics:
Technorati Tags: sexuality, relationships, infidelity
There are a few reasons why someone's behavior is not understood. Often the person may be reluctant to share their "logic" with their mate. Sometimes it may contain information that may be upsetting to their mate -- such as, "I do this during sex because I'm not really all that sexually attracted to you anymore and it helps me get aroused" or "I'm not having sex with you because I'm having an affair."
There are also some instances in which the "logic" behind the behavior is not even known to the person who is behaving in accordance with it. That is when an experienced therapist can help the person uncover their "logic" and then share it with their mate.
What's an example of this? If a woman feels that she lacks control in her relationship in ways that really matter to her, she might unconsciously be looking for other ways to regain that control. She might withhold sex. Or she might start to have sex and then "lose interest" midway through and have "no idea why." Others looking at the relationship could argue that indeed she has a great deal of control in the relationship since sex is a fairly powerful aspect of most relationships. But until she thinks differently, the opinions of others will not matter and she might continue the sexual starvation diet for her partner while not making the connection between that and the other aspects of her relationship.
So, for such a woman, sex may be the area in which she equalizes whatever she may feel is out of balance. She may not be balancing the spreadsheet consciously, but it's going on anyway. Once she and her partner understand this, they can consciously look for ways to keep the relationship "in balance," rather than be at the mercy of this kind of emotional math. Ideally, a sex therapist could help discover these issues and minimize the blame -- from there they can see what is possible for their relationship.
Related Topics:
Technorati Tags: sexuality, relationships, infidelity
9 Comments:
i have learned so much from this blog its really helped me to understand what happens when i'm having sex thank you
Whats the deal with girls and their
sex toys. Am I really that bad?
Would they really want the toy instead of a live man.
ineed to out whyhe doesnt want sex isure want sex its been 3yrs i want a real man
I realy don't understand when you are in a relationship why do he or she want's to cheet on one another? and why does he or she uses those nasity toy's, I would love to have the real thing.
I've been in a relationship for almost 4 yrs. and the sex stopped a year ago.... He is in his mid 50's and has ED but he won't try anymore ED meds. He tried viagra but it made his heart race and he said that the other things he has tried only work 70% of the time..... To me, 70% is better than nothing! I just feel that he doesn't really care that I don't feel sexually wanted by him and that hurts. I get hit on all the time so it's not that I'm not sexually attractive. What do you think might be going on?
Just a comment; I was married for 20 some years to a women who did not want to have sex after the knot was tied. After this I ended up in two relationships at the age of 45 where it was sex anytime all the time for almost 3 years, which was the greatest experience of my life. I am know in a relationship, where sex is not a priority, but she is a great partner. I have found relationships are always a trade off; great partner/less sex; not so great life partner more sex. Bottom-line is I believe expectations are sometimes set too high and we still hang onto the notion, by being married we should have unlimited access to sexual activity anytime we want it, which should be the case, but isn’t
Thanks for the comment. He is a great partner and I can not amagine being with out him. I just needed someone to tell me what I already knew. As we grow older we relize how much early on thoughts were all about sex and not so much about who the person really was.... I just have a hard time thinking that we may never have that kind of closeness again :(
im 24 and husb 26. maybe every 3 weeks if im lucky and i have to beg for it. we do have problems but i wonder if he's having an affair. am i paranoid?
I guess you would have to look a little deeper in to "we do have problems". You have to ask yourself a few questions..... Was it all of a sudden or has it been a gradual thing, do you fight all the time so the “loving feeling” may just not be there, does he have different “away” from home hours than usual, does he stay up passed usual bedtime to be alone? Lots of questions to be answered. Just remember if you ask him he will probably say no even if he is. You have to do some investigating yourself.
Don’t assume though that he is because there maybe a reason other than an affair. You really should try and talk to him without being on the defensive, people who are very defensive are the ones that are guilty.
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