Sex After Kids

I have a 2 year old and both my husband and I have full-time executive level jobs. Before we had our son, sex was frequent and great. Now, I'm exhausted all the time and fall asleep early, sometimes before I make it to bed. Weekends are full days too. We are having sex less and less, and my husband is starting to feel as if I am not attracted to him anymore.

To be honest, most of the time I'd pay for sleep and skip the sex. Any suggestions?

As the mother of two with a husband of similar description, I understand your dilemma.

Tending to small children is not a particularly romantic thing. Poopy diapers and vomit just don't bring out the vixen in most women.

There's no doubt about it, small (and sometimes large) children can put a damper on a woman's sexual desire. The exhaustion factor is there quite often. There can be some resentment about the division of labor in the household. Hormonal changes can occur. Breastfeeding keeps prolactin in a woman's body and that suppresses sexual desire.

The level of intimacy in the marriage generally goes up when children arrive. Sometimes that level is too high. All the issues that must be handled when children are part of the picture can overload a couple's ability to be connected romantically.

I have found that most couples don't begin to get back to anything that resembles their earlier sexual relationship until the youngest in the house is three. Until that time, most couples have less energy for sex. That's the nature of raising little children if you're doing the parenting instead of a nanny.

In my opinion, that's where "dating" comes in. Pick a Saturday night for a date. Get a sitter. Make sure that you get a nap that afternoon (that's your husband's duty to assure). Then, go out for dinner and some time for emotional connection between you as adults. The sitter puts the baby to sleep and you come home as soon as the coast is clear. That's your time to have some sex that isn't hurried or sleepy.

Put those "dates" on the calendar as often as you feel is appropriate. Your husband then has at least that to anticipate. You feel less pressured on the other days. (Sometimes feeling less pressured leads to an occasional spontaneous sexual connection springing from general good will.)

In addition to this strategy, I recommend the following two books: "Great Sex for Moms: Ten Steps for Nurturing Passion While Raising Kids" by Valerie Raskin and "The Mother's Guide to Sex: Enjoying Your Sexuality through All Stages of Motherhood" by Anne Semans and Cathy Winks.

Related Topics: Will Baby Strengthen or Strain Your Marriage?, Men's Sex Lives Better at 50 than 30

Technorati Tags: sexuality, parenting

Valentine's Day, Romance, and Love

Valentine's Day is like pornography. It can be fun. It can be arousing. But it's not real. It's a made up holiday that cashes in on the institution of marriage and on the cultural imperative to love.

I actually wish that Valentine's Day fell on a different date. Besides the fact that where I live it is seldom pleasant weather on February 14th, it is also is tightly bracketed by both my birthday and my husband's birthday. So, we have found ourselves sometimes inserting our celebration of Valentine's Day with surgical swiftness the last few years of our ten years of marriage -- particularly since the arrival of our two children.

Before the kids, it was easy to go on weekly weekend dates. But with young children, it's a different schedule. As we left for our dinner-and-movie date (to "Brokeback Mountain," yes, nearly all our dates can be work expenses) to celebrate my birthday, my three-year old cried bitterly when I did not get out of the car in the garage and come back to give him yet one more good-bye hug. Though I knew he was in great hands, I called twice to make sure that he had stopped crying (the first time, he hadn't) before I could truly settle into our "date."

Am I up for another "romantic" date a week later? I don't think so. I think that it will be a family dinner at our kitchen table with cards being swapped around the table covering all the permutations of twos possible: From Kids to Dad. From Grandmas to Kids. From Daughter-in-Law to Mother-in-Law etc., etc... And, oh yes, from Wife to Husband and from Husband to Wife.

There's a world of difference between the self-oriented times my husband and I shared when we were courting and the times we share now as dedicated parents of very energetic three and six-year old boys. We find our true love expressed in the every day problem solving that goes on in our household and the respect that continues to develop between us as we face the challenges that our lives have brought us. Right now those days feel like the "real" days of love to me.

Related Topics: Newlyweds' 5 Biggest Pitfalls, WebMD Video: Sexy Makeup Secrets for a Glam V-Day Look

Cybersex and Pornography Online

Here is a situation I see more and more often as the internet becomes a staple in homes.

I made the mistake of reading my husband's email last night. I was on his computer when the little email window popped up. I clicked on it without thinking and now I wish I hadn't. We've been married 10 years but I'm not sure we'll make it to 11.

I discovered that he's been surfing porn sites and going to chat rooms to have sex with other women online. He's even exchanged nude photos of himself with them.

I feel as betrayed as if he'd actually met them in person and had sex. When I confronted him, he didn't understand why I was upset. He said that having sex online was harmless and a way to 'get off' without breaking his marriage vows. He claims that I'm the only one he wants, but he wants the chance to experience things I don't or won't do without any risk. I don't see it that way at all.

I feel rejected, unloved, betrayed, and unattractive. I don't even think I can stand to stay married to him. Is there anything I can do?

There are two main issues: uncommunicated expectations and honesty.

Your situation underlines the importance of checking in with one's spouse about the various aspects of long-term relationships: the finances, the in-laws, the jobs, the children (if any), the cleanliness and orderliness of the home, the future plans (if any), and the sex. Many times people assume that because they are with a person whom they know pretty well, they know the current feelings about these topics as their mate sees it. Often they are wrong. It's what keeps marriage counselors' practices busy.

So, even though you said your vows and have been together for a while, it sounds like the topic of online chatting and sexual picture exchange never came up. That's where the expectations part comes in.

Your husband offers explanations about his behavior that are plausible, but not highly believable. He also brushed off a chance to set the record straight without lying. That's where honesty comes in.

I would take this opportunity to sit down with him (perhaps with a counselor) and go through the topics that I listed above (and add any that are important to the two of you). Get it all out on the table so that you can do right by him on the expectations part.

Then, having done that, ask him to bring his best self to this marriage and not try to bluff you with flimsy and transparent responses to your questions. If he has sexual desires that he gets to talk about with these other women, then ask him to tell you what those are. That way you have the opportunity to say, "Yes, I'll do that" or "No, I won't." Find out what really prompted him to hazard a guess that he was doing right by you in this marriage.

I think that you can put this relationship back together. But, I think that you'll need to do what I've mentioned above (at a minimum) for both of you to feel OK.

Related Topics: Secrets of a Happy Marriage, Sexual Dysfunction Quiz

Technorati Tags: relationships, sexualhealth

Why Doesn't He Want ME?

Are you a woman who is in a committed relationship wondering why your partner seems uninterested in sex? It does happen, and more often than you'd think. Much is made of low sex drive in women, but the same can be true of men.

There are a handful of common reasons why men choose not to be sexual with their readily available and interested sexual partner.

• They are masturbating instead because it's easier to do. The ease of locating sexually stimulating material has led a number of people away from sex with a partner. The intimacy required to have sex with a partner is too much for some people.


• There is sex occurring with another partner.


• The person has hormonal problems that predispose them away from wanting any kind of sexual expression at all.


• The sex with the partner is unfulfilling. There may be a problem like poor genital hygiene or bad breath. Or it's possible that the sexual interactions are not to the person's liking. Perhaps they want more or better kissing or they're interested in sexual activities that a partner has nixed. Or perhaps the partner does something that conveys something (whether mistaken or accurately) that is a turn-off to the person.

Related Topics: Creativity May Boost Sexual Activity, Spicing Up Your Valentine's Day

Technorati Tags: sexuality, intimacy, sex drive