He Had an Itch

As young girl I was not given the information or attitudes about sexuality that I have chosen to offer my sons. I would not really expect my parents to have done this. The only parenting manual around in the 1950s was Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care. It was pretty standard for parents to make it up as they went along or perhaps consult their own parents.

And, I was an only child, so I did not get the benefit of an older sibling passing along some "sage" knowledge. So, I tried to find it in books — looking up words in the dictionary, scanning the index of any book that might have anything about body parts, and I looked at National Geographic (for information, not to get aroused) — just to figure it all out. And, I learned about sex in the most embarrassing way I can think of — hanging around other kids and trying to absorb what they were saying without looking like I was. I remember when I heard the word "screwing" and that I did not know what it meant — and it felt like I was the only one in the group of six kids who didn't.

So, here I am, several decades later, raising my sons. The book, It's Perfectly Natural by Robie Harris, gets digested in several-page bites every so often by my sons when the right mood is in the air — that feeling of some teachable moments. When we're not actively reading it, the book's still on the shelf in their room — in case they're in the mood to learn more when we're not around.

My husband and I try to include the clinically accurate terms for body parts, but I also have introduced and tolerated some common, generally not offensive, street language here and there. So, the kids might say that they need to go to the bathroom, have a bowel movement, or need to go poop. All are fine with my husband and me.

So, when we're discussing their bodies, the words "penis" or "genitals" tend to be used. And once in a while, one of them reverts to "my pee pee" or "my weiner" (one the oldest picked up on the playground). I don't make great efforts to weed out these last two because they will hear many more slang terms for "penis" before long.

The other day, however, I realized that there was still some work to be done on sexual vocabulary with my youngest (the four-year old). We were rocking in the rocking chair near bedtime. He was all zipped up in his toasty one-piece jammies with the attached feet. Suddenly he unzipped the big long zipper down past his penis and reached in and started to scratch his genitals. I said, "Looks like you really needed to scratch." He replied, "Yes, I have an itch on my generosity."

I thought to myself, "I'll teach him how to say 'genitals' again some other time." And smiling, also thought, "May he always have such a positive association with his genitals and may his partner(s) see it similarly."

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• Premarital Sex the Norm in America
• When to Talk to Kids About Sex

Technorati Tags: sexuality, parenting, sex education

Look for the Logic

When a couple comes into my therapy office, often one person will say, "I just don't understand my husband/wife. What s/he's doing makes no sense to me. S/he's behaving completely irrationally." At first glance, this may seem true. But, I have found that people actually do have some kind of "logic" underlying their behavior. There is a reason for why people do what they do -- or don't do. But, the "logic" behind someone's behavior does not always make sense to that person's life partner.

There are a few reasons why someone's behavior is not understood. Often the person may be reluctant to share their "logic" with their mate. Sometimes it may contain information that may be upsetting to their mate -- such as, "I do this during sex because I'm not really all that sexually attracted to you anymore and it helps me get aroused" or "I'm not having sex with you because I'm having an affair."

There are also some instances in which the "logic" behind the behavior is not even known to the person who is behaving in accordance with it. That is when an experienced therapist can help the person uncover their "logic" and then share it with their mate.

What's an example of this? If a woman feels that she lacks control in her relationship in ways that really matter to her, she might unconsciously be looking for other ways to regain that control. She might withhold sex. Or she might start to have sex and then "lose interest" midway through and have "no idea why." Others looking at the relationship could argue that indeed she has a great deal of control in the relationship since sex is a fairly powerful aspect of most relationships. But until she thinks differently, the opinions of others will not matter and she might continue the sexual starvation diet for her partner while not making the connection between that and the other aspects of her relationship.

So, for such a woman, sex may be the area in which she equalizes whatever she may feel is out of balance. She may not be balancing the spreadsheet consciously, but it's going on anyway. Once she and her partner understand this, they can consciously look for ways to keep the relationship "in balance," rather than be at the mercy of this kind of emotional math. Ideally, a sex therapist could help discover these issues and minimize the blame -- from there they can see what is possible for their relationship.

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• Overcoming Infidelity
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Technorati Tags: sexuality, relationships, infidelity

Sex Education: Who should teach it?

You may remember when I wrote about my son's decision, announced at the dinner table, that he didn't think he wanted to be a father because then he'd "have to pee in his wife." Clearly, playground talk had begun even as early as six.

So, I was struck by some of the detracting comments in response to my recent post about that same, now seven-year old, son asking me "Mom, What's sexy?"

Some offered me a "correct" definition of sexy having to do with clothes or the way a person looks. (It seems that they missed my point about making sure that as a parent one understands the exact question their child is asking since answering the question in that form was as incorrect as my answer concerning what it's like to feel sexy.)

Others took me to task and asserted that my discussion of sexual feelings and activities was a certain path to early sexual behavior for my son -- when, in fact, study after study shows that sex education programs that give accurate and full information lead to delay of sexual activity with a partner. These same studies show that teaching sex education courses that offer abstinence as the only answer often is paired with early sexual partnered behavior without the use of reliable birth control or protection from sexually transmitted conditions.

I read some of these comments and thought, "There'll be no shortage of sex therapy clients for the future generation of sex therapists with these ideas at the helm of parenting."

So, here's an update on my seven-year old son's sex education path.

About three days after our talk in the rocker, when we were just about to brush his teeth, my son told me, "Mom, I don't think that I want to put my penis in a vagina." I said, "That's good, sweetie, because that's something that you may get to do when you are a grown-up. It's not something that kids, even older kids, should do. It's a grown up thing." My son replied, "Good," and then reached for his toothbrush. That reassurance was all that he needed.

Then about two days ago, when he and his four-year old brother and I were having a quick dinner out (my husband was away on business), he leaned over the table and whispered to me, "Mom, do you think that I should have children?" I said, "If you want to, sweetie, that would be fine with me. But, if you don't want to, that's OK with me too." He replied, "I don't think that I want to." "That's fine. Do you know why you think that?" "Um hum," he replied, "I don't think that I can do that penis and vagina thing." I said, "Remember, that is a grown up thing. You might think differently later on when you're grown up. You don't need to decide that when you are a kid. But, any time you have a question about this, just ask me -- just like you're doing." "Thanks, Mom," and he leaned back and dug into his chow mein.

Some readers may think that my son is preoccupied and traumatized by our matter-of-fact discussion about sexual issues. I think that he's treating it like any other topic he learns about -- little bits at a time and with some repetition. That's how he learns math and that's how he learns spelling and reading.

As Deborah Roffman says in her terrific books about sex education for children, we wouldn't expect a child to do multiplication if he hasn't ever seen a number before. And, as Marty Klein says in his terrific talks about sex education, we wouldn't expect a child to say, "Mom, Dad, I want to learn all about dental hygiene. Show me how to brush my teeth." No, we start brushing their teeth when they are toddlers (or younger!) and teach them what will give them a good attitude about maintaining the health of their teeth.

So, waiting for questions about sex as the only strategy for sex education or waiting until they're seventeen is like throwing a kid into a swimming pool and yelling, "Swim!" when they've never been taught about the dangers and benefits of swimming. I don't go so far as to say that real life demonstrations of sex are appropriate (even though I do believe in early swimming lessons), but I think that keeping kids in the dark about it is a disservice to them.

So, my husband and I share the viewpoint that we want to be the first to talk about sex with our kids -- not the last. I want a healthy understanding of sex that comes from research rather than ideology to be the basis for a lifetime (when I'm long gone) of an enjoyable and rich sexuality for both of my sons. When they have a question about sex, I want them to ask one of us, not their peer on the playground. Any parent who thinks that their sons and daughters aren't hearing this kind of talk on the playgrounds today should volunteer for some yard duty and then assess what needs to be said.

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Technorati Tags: child development, sexuality, sex education

Penis Size: Genetically Robbed?

I had never heard the term "genetically robbed" until I came across it in a post on the Sex Matters Message Board. Had I continued to live in San Francisco these last ten years, I might have heard it used, but life in the suburbs of Sacramento was a bit more tame and hadn't brought it to my attention. Once I decoded it from the context of the post, I thought, "Hmmm...a new way to slam men. Will it ever end?"

Most women who really like sex tend not to care much at all about penis size. They tend to emphasize how a man uses his body with her and how he treats her in the building up to being sexual -- things that he can completely control, unlike the size of his penis and the size of his feet.

I also think sometimes a woman who isn't very sexually experienced, who expects to orgasm from intercourse alone, or who believes that intercourse is the only "real" sex, might hold a mistaken thought that size is important and possibly imperative to her sexual functioning. Lacking knowledge of their bodies and sexuality, they may be grasping at straws to figure out why they're not orgasmic or don't particularly enjoy "sex." In that case, it's information that they need. They need to learn more about how their bodies work and expand their picture of what is "sex." It's a lot more than just intercourse. And still, size does not predict a woman's fulfillment with intercourse.

I honestly think that women sometimes look for ways to be critical of men -- particularly in the areas that seem like vulnerable spots for men. I think that this desire to be critical comes from anger at men -- often over issues that have little or nothing to do with sex. But, most women understand that many men do have concerns about the size of their penis, so they sometimes exploit that concern.

So, I can just picture how this latest phrase about being "genetically robbed" could make its way into contemporary cultural lingo. It's unfortunate and unnecessary, and not helpful nor kind -- but there it is.

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Technorati Tags: sexuality, genetics