"Coming Out" to Others and "Coming In" to Self
Last year I had quite a few parents bring their teenage sons to me for therapy to help them figure out their sexual orientation. Some parents brought their daughters too, but for some reason, not as many last year. For young male or females, managing the fact that they are not attracted to members of the other sex is a multifaceted process. It is not a single "event." It involves the development of their unique self and maintaining relationships with others. Most people have heard of a gay male or lesbian "coming out," but what's necessary first is the "coming in" to oneself.
What does this involve? It begins with the awareness of their minority sexual orientation. There is about a two-year period of time for many youth during which they self identify as non-heterosexual -- but they tend to keep this information to themselves.
Youths assume that they are heterosexual -- so does most everyone else. But, as they begin to realize that they are different, they must try to rectify in their minds these two sets of feelings. It can lead to some convoluted thoughts like, "I think I am normal, but I have feelings that are not normal. These feelings must be wrong...Maybe I don't really have these feelings."
Research suggests that on the average, youth are about ten when they first realize that they are not heterosexual. They are nearly thirteen when they have their first same-sex crush. At about fourteen, they label themselves as gay or lesbian. At sixteen they tend to disclose their orientation to a friend and about eighteen when they tell their parents. (These statistics come from research by D'Augelli, Hershberger and Pilkington, 1989, "Lesbian, gay and bisexual youth and their families: Disclosure of sexual orientation and its consequences," American Journal of Orthopshychiatry)
Youths are more likely to come out to peers before they come out to their families and a same-age peer is often the first choice. This experience can lead to further coming out or shutting the process down if it goes badly.
It is stressful to hide sexual orientation from one's family. But coming out to parents can be even more stressful. The majority of teens report that they come out to their mothers first, but they avoid telling if they suspect that they will be rejected. Youths from minority cultures often get an additional load because when they come out to their parents there can be repercussions because of ties that their family may have to their religious, racial, or ethnic communities. Some get stuck having to choose between being a sexual minority and an ethnic minority -- which may mean losing access to their cultural connections. Some even try to protect their families from shame by distancing themselves from the community and their family.
When teens do come out to their families, their internal motivations stem from several sources: trying to be honest, reducing the strain of deceiving others, increasing confidence, rising self-acceptance, and often anger.
As it stands, teens who are not heterosexual, for the most part, cannot rely on their parents to offer them support, accept their identity, or nurture it. So, they withdraw. Last year was an exceptional year. Each parent that I met was doing exactly that -- supporting their child. I look forward to meeting many of the same kind of parents this year.
Related Topics: Technorati Tags: parenting, coming out, sexuality, gay, lesbian, homosexual, bisexual, same sex, teen, health-and wellness
What does this involve? It begins with the awareness of their minority sexual orientation. There is about a two-year period of time for many youth during which they self identify as non-heterosexual -- but they tend to keep this information to themselves.
Youths assume that they are heterosexual -- so does most everyone else. But, as they begin to realize that they are different, they must try to rectify in their minds these two sets of feelings. It can lead to some convoluted thoughts like, "I think I am normal, but I have feelings that are not normal. These feelings must be wrong...Maybe I don't really have these feelings."
Research suggests that on the average, youth are about ten when they first realize that they are not heterosexual. They are nearly thirteen when they have their first same-sex crush. At about fourteen, they label themselves as gay or lesbian. At sixteen they tend to disclose their orientation to a friend and about eighteen when they tell their parents. (These statistics come from research by D'Augelli, Hershberger and Pilkington, 1989, "Lesbian, gay and bisexual youth and their families: Disclosure of sexual orientation and its consequences," American Journal of Orthopshychiatry)
Youths are more likely to come out to peers before they come out to their families and a same-age peer is often the first choice. This experience can lead to further coming out or shutting the process down if it goes badly.
It is stressful to hide sexual orientation from one's family. But coming out to parents can be even more stressful. The majority of teens report that they come out to their mothers first, but they avoid telling if they suspect that they will be rejected. Youths from minority cultures often get an additional load because when they come out to their parents there can be repercussions because of ties that their family may have to their religious, racial, or ethnic communities. Some get stuck having to choose between being a sexual minority and an ethnic minority -- which may mean losing access to their cultural connections. Some even try to protect their families from shame by distancing themselves from the community and their family.
When teens do come out to their families, their internal motivations stem from several sources: trying to be honest, reducing the strain of deceiving others, increasing confidence, rising self-acceptance, and often anger.
As it stands, teens who are not heterosexual, for the most part, cannot rely on their parents to offer them support, accept their identity, or nurture it. So, they withdraw. Last year was an exceptional year. Each parent that I met was doing exactly that -- supporting their child. I look forward to meeting many of the same kind of parents this year.
Related Topics: Technorati Tags: parenting, coming out, sexuality, gay, lesbian, homosexual, bisexual, same sex, teen, health-and wellness
Labels: coming out, parenting, sexuality
9 Comments:
Would you recommend Gender Reassignment Surgery for some one like this?
I also have another question about this same issue. What is the best way to tell someone who you really are?
I was on the don't ask don't tell kind of thing with my parents...well my mom asked and I told her that I was a lesbian. She is an extremely religious person and told me she would never accept my alternative lifestyle. My sister on the other hand feels like she has failed me by not helping "fix" me. Which is absurd. I don't want to be fixed. As stated it takes a long time to understand your own sexuality before you can even begin to try and explain it to someone else. The best thing that happened was it made me and my girlfriend stronger and closer knowing that we had each other when no one else wanted to see us together. In the article it said that minorities have it hard and I am a witness to that. We live in a small town where everything is old fashioned and traditional. So my being gay was not ok. I think once you are accepting of your self and find out yourself then you can begin to identify who you are and whether you want to be happy or make others happy. That is the real choice.
The first "anonymous" who suggested sex reassignment surgery is confusing homosexuality with being transgendered. They are two totally different things, and being transgendered is probably much more rare. Most lesbians are perfectly happy being women and would not want to be a man, and most gay men have no desire to lop off their penises. They just happen to be attracted to people who are similar to themselves rather than very different. I have a 27 year old lesbian daughter who is very feminine but has never been attracted to men. She feels they make fine friends, but cannot be soul mates for her. The last thing she needs is an new penis!!
It is interesting to note that you deal only with homosexuals, yet transgenders are not mentioned at all. From my experience, transgender people have as much a problem as homosexuals in coming out. I should also point out the transgender group also has one of the highest rates of suicide of any grouping because of so much negative reaction when they do. came out
I feel sad because because I have not had sex in five years or even been held by a man in five years. I want to have sex with a man even if it is for just one night so that i can have some human contact.
Well I'm bi and its very hard because I love both men and women... mark. Can any one give me advice
I was I could be (fixed)
I'm a transgendered male. I have no desire to be with men. I guese i am a liesbian trapped in a mans body.
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