How Tension and Relaxation are Important to Women's Orgasms
About 10% of women have never had an orgasm -- either with a partner or during masturbation. So quite a few of them have found their way into my therapy practice. Many come to their first appointment with some confusion about issues involved when learning to become orgasmic.
One key issue is learning to develop a balance between relaxation and tension during sexual activity. But, how can a woman be both tense and relaxed at the same time?
The type of tension that helps reach orgasm is muscle tension (myotonia, the scientific language for the same thing). Many women who have not yet had an orgasm have the mistaken impression that they should relax and "just lay there." They've heard that relaxation during sex is important. But it turns out that muscle tension is very often necessary to have an orgasm. So many women learn to have their first orgasm by incorporating a fair amount of leg, abdominal and buttock tension. Sometimes even the muscles of the feet can be tensed in a productive way. And some women tense their upper body as well.
Only a very small percentage of women experience no body tension as they approach the release of orgasm. Interestingly, there are muscle contractions that occur in the lower pelvis that are a key part of the experience of orgasm. The same muscles that you squeeze in order to stop the flow of urine midstream contract automatically during orgasm.
This group is called the pubococcygeus muscle group and a conscious contraction of that group is called a "Kegel exercise." Many women contract these muscles during their sexual experiences in order to help build up their arousal. Contractions (or tensing) of the various muscles bring more blood to that area of the body. One important aspect of arousal is increased blood flow to the genital area (called vasocongestion in scientific terms).
So, where's the relaxation part of this equation? In the brain. By suggesting that a woman "relax," what is meant is that during sex it's best for her not to be worrying, questioning herself, or getting ahead of where she actually is in the process of building sexual arousal. The main task is to be focused primarily on the feeling of the sensations of the stimulation.
To help keep this type of relaxation going, I recommend using the "silent radio technique." You may have seen one of these in post offices or other public places in which long lines can form. Their purpose is to keep people's hostility at a low level despite long waits. Think of a Times Square sign in which words stream into view from the left-hand side of a rectangular black box, travel to the right edge, and then disappear off the screen. The ones I've seen have horoscopes, sports scores, news highlights and such.
When using it during sex, some women find it helpful to put a repetitive mantra such as "I can take as long as I want" or "This really feels great" on their mental silent radio. It keeps the brain occupied -- but with a thought that will foster sexual arousal rather than with one that decreases arousal.
So one aspect of learning to be orgasmic involves these two suggestions that, on the surface, seem to be contradictory, but when employed tend to help make substantial progress toward the desired outcome.
Related Topics: Technorati Tags: orgasm, masturbation, sexual satisfaction, health-and-wellness
One key issue is learning to develop a balance between relaxation and tension during sexual activity. But, how can a woman be both tense and relaxed at the same time?
The type of tension that helps reach orgasm is muscle tension (myotonia, the scientific language for the same thing). Many women who have not yet had an orgasm have the mistaken impression that they should relax and "just lay there." They've heard that relaxation during sex is important. But it turns out that muscle tension is very often necessary to have an orgasm. So many women learn to have their first orgasm by incorporating a fair amount of leg, abdominal and buttock tension. Sometimes even the muscles of the feet can be tensed in a productive way. And some women tense their upper body as well.
Only a very small percentage of women experience no body tension as they approach the release of orgasm. Interestingly, there are muscle contractions that occur in the lower pelvis that are a key part of the experience of orgasm. The same muscles that you squeeze in order to stop the flow of urine midstream contract automatically during orgasm.
This group is called the pubococcygeus muscle group and a conscious contraction of that group is called a "Kegel exercise." Many women contract these muscles during their sexual experiences in order to help build up their arousal. Contractions (or tensing) of the various muscles bring more blood to that area of the body. One important aspect of arousal is increased blood flow to the genital area (called vasocongestion in scientific terms).
So, where's the relaxation part of this equation? In the brain. By suggesting that a woman "relax," what is meant is that during sex it's best for her not to be worrying, questioning herself, or getting ahead of where she actually is in the process of building sexual arousal. The main task is to be focused primarily on the feeling of the sensations of the stimulation.
To help keep this type of relaxation going, I recommend using the "silent radio technique." You may have seen one of these in post offices or other public places in which long lines can form. Their purpose is to keep people's hostility at a low level despite long waits. Think of a Times Square sign in which words stream into view from the left-hand side of a rectangular black box, travel to the right edge, and then disappear off the screen. The ones I've seen have horoscopes, sports scores, news highlights and such.
When using it during sex, some women find it helpful to put a repetitive mantra such as "I can take as long as I want" or "This really feels great" on their mental silent radio. It keeps the brain occupied -- but with a thought that will foster sexual arousal rather than with one that decreases arousal.
So one aspect of learning to be orgasmic involves these two suggestions that, on the surface, seem to be contradictory, but when employed tend to help make substantial progress toward the desired outcome.
Related Topics: Technorati Tags: orgasm, masturbation, sexual satisfaction, health-and-wellness
Labels: orgasm, sexual satisfaction
160 Comments:
This article hits the nail on the head! I didn't become orgasmic until I was 30 years old. It definitely took some tension in the pelvic, abdominal and buttock areas. You do have to focus. Sometimes a fantasy playing in you mind will help along with with the muscle tension while being stimulated by your partner or with the use of a vibrator. For some it is not an easy task but it does take practice and it gets easier to achieve the big "O".
R.S., Gilroy, CA
I'm 36 and I guess I am very lucky!!! because I've never had an issue achieving orgasm, I've always had an issue with holding it back a little bit. I get little O's but then the big O isn't that big as if I wait and hold out until I can't anymore.
ON another subject... who cares about mispelled words, or crap like that this isn't High school and if someone is concerned about spelling or the fact that someone tried to correct someone... then it is painfully obvious neither of them have a clue!!!! People, this is a message board not a snipe fest!!! act like grown ups PLEASE!
I have recently discovered that I "gush" orgasm. I've looked all through this site, and can find nothing mentioned. It's a form of orgasm, different in the way that a woman will literally gush what looks like thick water, or even "squirt it out the vaginal canal. The first time it happened to me, I thought I'd urinated. I hadn't, though I now know there feels like an intense need to pee,,if you go "further" you will gush. I've pretty much figured out how,, what I"m seeking an answer to is,, where would the liquid be held..there's quite a bit of it,,and "we" can "gush" more than once in a "session. Any help would be appreciated. thank-you
I should maybe add that I've always had a hard time orgasming, and usually needed a lubricant. I finally had a decent lover for three years, and didn't need lubricant,,still rarely orgasmed though.. I was celebate for seven years, and have just this past year become somewhat active,,two lovers. I couldn't do anything "by hand" either.. til one day, "I thought I urinated" now the gushing comes easily.
The "gushing" you are experiencing is female ejaculation. The fluid is similar to mens semen, just without sperm. The fluid is produced in the parautheral glands, which is often referred to as a womens prostate, and comes out the urethra. Hope that helps.
I was wondering what you thought about a little device called the Kegalmaster to help you gain the tension in a womans pelvic area? I had twins at a young age and then 8 years later had another child and I try to do kegels but for me it is hard to do- thought the kegelmaster would help but not sure if it is just another scam. Thanks
I am 36 and seem to struggle with the big “O” or even the little “o”. My partner knows all the right spots to touch to arouse me and is very attentive and is not a selfish lover. I get so excited with foreplay or oral and before we even get to actual intercourse that I get little sensations that I assume are little orgasms; that by the time we actually get to intercourse for me it feels great but sometimes I’ll get what I think is an orgasm and after the feeling passes I am ready to shut down. My partner is still in the mood and ready for round two or three and I go through the motions because I want my partner to be pleased…. but I want to experience the real BIG “O” too and not just a little thrills. I don’t know how to express to him what he can do to help me reach that point because I have NO CLUE how! What can I do to not only reach the point of ORGASM but to remain aroused afterwards?
I have just recently had the same experiement with the gushing. I feel a lot better knowing that I am not alone. When it happpened it was very strange, I too thought I had urinated on myself. Thxs
I think that many women misunderstand that an orgasm should happen during intercourse when they are trying to reach the "big O" for the first time. I think the best orgasms are clitoral and for me, happen when my partner orally stimulates my clitoris or I masturbate with my fingers with him watching. This big "O" before intercourse makes me enjoy intercourse so much more and then I usually am able to have an orgasm with female ejaculation during intercourse. But for me, the clitoral orgasm is a much different orgasm than when I have an orgasm during intercourse. It is more intense, but both are wonderful. But both require alot of fantasy, stimulation, and muscle contraction. The more I tense my muscles and body and "push out" in my vaginal area... the stronger the orgasm. It is almost as if I feel I will urinate, but I don't. I think many women may stop too soon in fear of urinating and miss the "big O". I also found out about at the age of 28 that if I have an orgasm and then keep trying to have another orgasm by tensing my muscles and pushing out... that I can have multiple orgasms. This happens sometimes clitorally but usually more so during intercourse or while my partner has his fingers inside me and is pressing very firmly and quickly in my g-spot area. This doesn't occur all of the time, but frequently. Just keep trying until you don't get any desire to orgasm! Now at age 36, I have pretty much perfected my own personal "Big O" and just want to help others reach what I have.
Where is the "g-spot" and what are good areas to focus on when trying to achieve the "big O"?
Curious:
For answers to your questions, please visit our Sexual Issues message board.
Thank you.
Does the g-spot work on everyone? I have had several different partners claim THEY could help me find it and no one ever has. The majority of the time it almost seems as if there is no feeling at all in the mid portion of my vagina. There is sensation at the opening and around the cervix but I rarely feel anything in the mid portion. Therefore, 99% of the time, the only way I have been able to organism is by manual stimulaton of the clitoris. There was on one or two occasions, it happened "normally".
Also, with the female ejaculation, I am 38 and it has happened twice for me with my current partner but I didnt know it happened until I felt the wet sheets beneath me. My partner doesnt understand why I dont/cant ejaculate because he has been able to have previous partners ejaculate by using a certain position. He is amazed that I didnt know it happened until after the fact and that I felt nothing other than wet sheets.
Is it possible that there is something wrong inside, such as some type of nerve damage, that causes this loss of sensation.
Every women has a g-spot, but not all women find g-spot stimulation to be pleasurable or lead to orgasm. The inner two thirds of the vagina are fairly insensitive. As Dr. Weston says, women who have given birth are thankful for this. For many women the g-spot isnt detectable until the women is aroused and the area swells.
About 70% of women never orgasm through intercourse and vaginal stimulation alone. They need clitoral stimulation to orgasm. And the 30% of women who can orgasm that way do not orgasm every time they have sex. Female ejaculation isnt something every women experiences. There isnt anything wrong with you and your bf needs to not compare you to past partners. Your sexual response is uniqe to you.
I just want to know what the G stands for in G-spot???
It stands for Gräfenberg. He was a doctor who gained fame for studies of the female genitals and female sexual physiology.
I have had orgasms and even multiple orgasms but I have never experianced the gushing that some of you have mentioned. Do you think that I haven't experianced a big orgasm? Or do you think that some women just ejaculate differently? Can someone please help me in answering these questions?
Anonymous above:
Try posting your question on our Sexual Issues: Member to Member message board.
The gushing started out simply enough, but is now happening to me regularly and it is causing me embarrasment and turns my husband off. is there a way to control this so that it doesn't happen during sexual intercourse. I've even had it happen while I was performing oral on him. This makes no sense whatsoever.
I glad I came to this site. I've been wondering myself, if the gushing I've been experiencing was it his ejaculation or mines. How can you be sure its yours. Please note to Tam
I just started to have orgasims at 28 after being with my boyfriend for 5 years. It took vaginal and clitoral stimulation and I had to learn to be comfortable with myself and him. I have had the gushing for a few months. We see it as a positive aspect. It's a good sign.
I am a 22 year old female and since before I turned 12 I have been masturbating. I still have not yet had an orgasm. It is comforting to read that I am not alone. I am wondering if there is something wrong with me? I also have this embarassing fear that I will pee or.. ahem... loose my bowels during sex. I don't know where this fear came from. But, even when it's not a thought in my head, still no orgasm. Most times my clit becomes too sensitive and I have to ask my partner to stop. Is that normal? Sigh. I just want to know what it's like. I feel bad for my partners who have been unable to make me cum.
For those of you that can't orgasm...Get on top and have him put his knees up. Clitoral orgasms come from the heat that's created by friction. Get on top and have his head on a couple of pillows (elevated) with his knees up. Don't go up and down, but grind it. Start slow, just focus on the feeling and make sure you're wet (KY warming gel is great). For those of you that can't climax still just close your eyes and picture a rose blooming. Sounds weird, but it works! I had 7 orgasms last night :)
i would like to know how to achieve female ejaculation, a gushing one. I think i experienced it once, but am not sure. i just purchased a magic massager that is supposed to be a cheaper version of the hitachi wand....i am ready to experience this gushing thing
i have a problem hopefully someone can help. lately, everytime I have an orgasm. sexually or masterbating, I get a sharp pain in my right eye. like a migrain headache. has anyone ever heard of this. Should I be going to my dr.? It's becoming a major problem. it's like my nerves are connected from my vagina to my brain. please help? and I having too many orgasms
having sex is great and so is having an orgasm. Its never too late to get one or two or three. Just find the right man and all your problems will be over
I've found that keeping your legs closer together rather than open and tthen tensing ang relaxing the whole lower body helps with achieving orgasm. Do men also need to tense there bodies in order to orgasm?
i have a question...i can orgasm quite readily and they are very strong...but i get a pain in my right side. it is sharp and it only happens for a quick second, but it just started happenening. it happens clitoral or vaginal o's. i do tend to be one of the muscle tighteners to reach the o, do you think i strain too much? Anything would help. i'm 30 years old...should anything be looked at?
I'm interested in finding a resource for more information regarding a woman's "parautheral glands". I tried WebMD search and got nothing. Could the term be misspelled?
I am 27 and all I have ever been able to experience is clitoral orgasms, why I have tried every suggestion I have heard of but nothing changes. Help anyone?
I am 17, and I have an orgasm probably 1/4 of the amount I have sex. Although it is sort of unromatic, each time it has been in doggystyle. That way he can thrust harder and I have full control over my clit, so I can rub it how I like it. So I say you all should give it a try..not to mention that before my boyfriend and I slept together, he told me one of his fantasies was doggystyle..and now it's mine. Good Luck
I used to have multiple orgasims all the time. I also had to stimulate my G-Spot during sex. My husband does not mind this. He wants to have my orgasims as well. Multiples are great.
I am now on meds for Bipolar. I am not interested in sex hardly at all. I will create fantasies and use my vibrator. When we do have sex I play some the successful fantasies in my head.
It is very upsetting to me because I have always been a sexual person, since HS and I'm now 49. I have not enjoyed sex very much for about 10 years now. That is very sad.
It's kind of sad how naive some of you women are about your bodies... I'm 17 years old, and I've known all about the things you're asking about since I've been about 14. It's a shame that so many women can't figure out what makes them orgasm and go without for so long. I can give myself an orgasm in under two minutes, and I can have an orgasm through sex in under ten if it's pure vaginal, under 5 if there's clitoral stimulation. Communication is so important when having sex.
It's perfectly normal for your clit to become too sensitive. Is it so sensitive that even indirect stimulation causes pain (such as rubbing next to your clit, causing enough motion for the prepuce to rub against the clitoris)?
I'm interested in finding a resource for more information regarding a woman's "parautheral glands". I tried WebMD search and got nothing. Could the term be misspelled?
uh yeah its ParauREthral
I definitely have to tense my thigh muscles to have an orgasm and it's interesting to see an article about the phenomenon.
Hey, Panthertac - preach on! Spelling, grammar and punctuation are important - especially in an age of increasingly abbreviated communication. My boyfriend's a high school teacher, and in reading his students' papers, it's clear that texting and emailing is detrimental to their language skills. As Panthertac said, people will assume it's the correct way to spell something because they see it on a published page. The point is not to play grammar police, but to point out that you're inadvertently misinforming people.
I'm stepping down off my soapbox now.
this is to the 17 year old that thinks all of you that havent been able to have an orgasm are naive...
YOU are naive to think that ALL women can orgasm just like that!
I'm nearly 20 and have tried absolutely EVERYTHING!i have no trouble at all masturbating and orgasming, but i CANNOT during sex.
I dont want to portray myself as being a slut, but i have had more than enough lovers to know nothing works for me.
i've done nearly everything under the sun, i've searched endlessly for different positions, stimulators, everything i've read on this website from other women i've done and many more, to no avail.
I know kids grow up a lot quicker these days, but dont think you know all there is to know...i am not trying to be nasty, just think about what youre sayiong next time, it hurt me a bit to read what you said.Be careful please, some of thewse women may be very frustrated and depressed like me, and reading things like 'you're so naive' from a 17yr old doesnt help and isnt nice.
Thank you for hearing me out.
Good luck to all of you who are struggling, i feel for you and may god bless you with the ultimate gift of pleasure.
Me again, just wanted to add...
I have even gone to Porn sites, watched dvd's, all sorts of things to help me, and i have tried them all, 'almost', but nothing.
i must admit, i do get wet normally, and i can enjoy sex to an extent, but nowhere near orgasmic levels.it is a shame, but i deal with it most days.all i want to do now is keep my partner happy, and that makes me happy. Thank you again, sorry for the big speech, lol. Bye!
I would first like to thank the doctor who put the article up and opened this channel of communication. Up until recently, I thought that I couldn’t organism because there was something wrong with my body. I have experienced the “gushing” during masturbation, but I always have a strong urge to pee afterwards, and during. I have had this “gushing” during sex and thought I peed on my partner. Is it normal to have such a strong urge to pee? Is that suppose to feel good because it does and I’m a little embarrassed. I have yet to have an organism, but I was always trying to over relax during sex. I like to think about what I’m doing and what he is doing. Also, during sex I am extremely wet, giving my partner the idea that I have cum. Is this normal, and have I cum but not realized it yet? Also are there any techniques that you would recommend for stimulation? I believe I have orgasmed threw self masturbation, but it takes forever. I am only 18 and have only had 1 lover, and I don’t want to wait till I’m 30 to experience what is suppose to be natural for a woman. Please help.
hi everyone
i've read all the comments here this morning.
i am so grateful that this line of communication is open.
me 39. still no orgasm with a partner. since i was 12 i could masturbate and have an orgasm. the same way, laying on my stomach, yes strange, but i apply constant pressure downward in the area of my clitoris, and use fantasy to reach it.
i'm one year into a relationship with a man i am crazy in love with. i want so much to be able to share this with him. i've never had an orgasm with someone. i want so much to know what that is like. i reach a platau, but i simply have NO CLUE about what to do next, where to go in my head, my body etc. i know the kegal muscles, but as far as the other, it remains a mystery. please help, this whole thing makes me sad and frustrated. i feel broken.
oh and i am soooo happy for you ladies out there who have mastered an orgasm. i hope to belong to that "club" one day myself. :)
Well it is very interesting reading - informative too. I was about 25 before I discovered a true orgasm - in the bath with a hand held shower! What a surprise! I had been married for 8 years! I had two kids! Here I had thought it was all so much hogwash, about orgasms...
Well i have never looked back since then... in pursuing gratifying sex.
I do become very aroused during doggie style... and I suspect it is the g-spot involved... and any arousal of foreplay combined! I have had little Os doggie style. If you have trouble with Os during sex - try while petting rubbing against your partner without penetration. I find it works for both the man & you!
I have found there is a slight burning heat in the clitoris just before O - when I feel that - it is safe to slightly relax & let the waves of pleasure wash over me. At this time - motion can slow down in speed & become gentler... (but not stop!) - using a good lubricant maybe would help those who find it gets too sensitive & need to stop - YOU ARE SO ALMOST THERE!!!
I also would recommend you try to achieve one on your own, first - to take pressure off both you & your partner... as you remember your successful one - show him what to do & hold that memory!
As you repeat this in the future... you will be able to become more interactive with your partner & not 'lose focus'...
Orgasm used to be problematic for me. In fact, I never had one before my current boyfriend. I think a lot of it has to do with how open your communication is and how comfortable you are with the person that you are intimate with.
It's not always a physical thing and I've noticed that, now that we've been together for a while, it's more intense than it was and the beginning and having multiples is a piece of cake.
Sometimes it is a physical thing and it could be that your clitoris is not as sensitive as someone else's or that the position that you are attempting is not compatible with your anatomy.
For example, there was a young lady who could orgasm while in "doggy style". For me, it's "Woman on Top".
My advice would be to experiment with different positions and tell your partner what you want. If nothing helps, try speaking with a sex therapist to see if there's an underlying cause.
This may not work for everyone, but it's a start...For me, learning what felt good helped a lot. It may sound weird, but doing stuff to yourself; masturbation, toys, or whatever will help you learn what feels best. How can your partner know what to do, if you yourself don't know either. Just try a few different things and see what works for you. Then, incorporate that into your regular routine. I personally enjoy a vibrator. It feels great and it helps me to orgasm. It may take a while, but don't give up. You'll get there.
I'm glad this is out in the open, but let me say this to all of you women out there.
If you a have a problem oragasming, try this.
First you need to feel comfortable with your body; you have to like your body whatever your body type is. Look at your naked self in the mirror; this should turn you on if you get to like your own body. dress for yourself..look at your breasts, buttocks, the nice curves you have and convince yourself you are sexy..so sexy. Secondly, you should feel comfortable with your partner. Do some sort of exploration on your body, let him touch you in different places and tell him where you feel good sensations and ask him to keep doing it till you are sure what turns you on. When you find out these touchy spots, close your eyes and let your thinking go inwards and focus on how you can get orgasm and how great you would feel when you release the tension of your muscles.Imagine some sort of a marathon and you running so fast to reach the line first; "focus" is your key word here. Your goal is to win the race, and win your orgasm.
I had problems long time ago due to a childhood molesatation, and I didnt care to get orgasm, all I cared about was to satisfy my husband,..I hated sex because I didn't get any satisfaction, but later I learned to love my self, did you read that "love myself", get focused on what I really really wanted..the big "O", and started to have intense orgasms. Wonderdful ones in fact.Best of luck to you all:)
I find some of these articles very interesting. I think what one of the messages, said about learn to know you and your body is important. I also think it has a lot to do with your partner. It's about the both of you. A relationship is about meeting both needs. I had problems reaching orgasms for a long time. I thought something was wrong with me. But, I'm not one to rush. I like to take it slow and easy. Had never had oral sex in my life. At age 47, had it done to me, and I loved it. It made me feel so good,I was scared to admit it. I have to move my body in order for me to reach an orgasm. Even when having intercourse it is hard. I have to make sure my legs are closed tightly. So, now no matter how I get it, I enjoy it.
L.S.
11:35 PM
I believe that I have had an orgasm but I don't feel that ool auh or relaxed tensed feeling. Its more like my husband saying you cummed and I'm like, I did. I know sad. Also sometime its thick and white and sometimes its gray and bubbly. My husband also says you cummed, did you feel the intense heat from it. I wanna feel that thrill he's feeling. Is there something possibly wrong with me? I'm 25 years.
To the 25-year-old whose husband is telling her she had an orgasm: You would KNOW if you had - even if it was a small one. You may just lubricate a lot. Men release fluid when they ejaculate; women don't necessarily.
The first time I had an orgasm was in my mid-twenties. It was a vaginal one. The night before, when my fiance and I were making love, I had this slight sensation towards the end of our lovemaking. It was like nothing I had ever felt. I could not wait to try again the next night b/c I wanted to feel that feeling again. I knew that it was an orgasm. I had had lovers before, but never had an orgasm manually or vaginally.
I am very orgasmic, and it is kind of a mechanics issue. It all in the angle for me.
Once your partner's penis hits the right spot inside you, orgasm is almost automatic. Maybe I have just learned that with my body, but I believe it.
I also believe that because of the slowness and the positioning, your clitoris is tugged on and also stimulated during this technique.
Here are the requirements whether on the top or bottom. You must get your partner's penis as high up inside of you as possible so that the tip of it will hit certain areas that you can feel and determine your spot. Get his body as close to yours as possibe.
When on your back, you can put a pillow under the end your buttocks to tilt your vagina some and therefore change the place where his penis will touch.
When on top, move down as far as you can on the shaft of his penis and flatten yourself against him. He doesn't need a pillow anywhere. You can wrap you hands under his buttocks to pull his body closer to you.
The most important thing for your partner to do is slow down (sometimes to the point of being still)and let YOU move around on his penis. As the writer above said, it is more like a slow, deep grinding move and has to stay that way until your tension and sexual pressure build. Then you can give him the go sign.
You will find this very excting to your boyfriend, especially as your tension builds and your muscles start to contract. If you don't take the time necessary to get to a certain point, and he starts going to town, you will miss it. He must be willing to control his movement(no jackhammering)and his orgasm unitl you learn what you need.
The long term payoff for him will be well worth it, and he become a lover, not just a sex partner.
After that frist orgasm, don't withdraw even though his penis is losing it's erection. At this time, your clitoris is very aroused and so is the spot inside. Just tense your muscle again, sqeeze his penis with your muscles, and bear down a little. You will have another orgasm. You can continue to do that, but they will become less intense as your body loses excitement.
Hope this helps, L
why does it smell after a clit orgasm? does any one experience?
I was married for over 23 yrs and my husband could never get met O but my current lover gets me to multi times to the point it hurts sometimes but thats after 5 or more o in a row...dam he's good..did i mention he and i over 45? wow I am very lucky,no, but he gets off getting me off...so it's a win win situtation
I want to ask someone for help with getting a specialist, because I am very scared. I'm not old enough to drink yet and I already have problems....My doctor has told me that what I have is a yeast infection..but I've had it for FIVE YEARS STRAIGHT, with absolutely no relief. I've literally ecome accustomed to wearing thin pads everyday. Can anybody help? I think this is serious but no one has been able to help me because of insurance, not really caring, ect. I recently have become sexually active as well, and it hurts when we do it in a ceratin position. It stays sore for about a day or two or I just have a constant pain on the side of my stomach, by my hip. Can anyone help me?
- Boyle Heights, CA
I want to ask someone for help with getting a specialist, because I am very scared. I'm not old enough to drink yet and I already have problems....My doctor has told me that what I have is a yeast infection..but I've had it for FIVE YEARS STRAIGHT, with absolutely no relief. I've literally ecome accustomed to wearing thin pads everyday. Can anybody help? I think this is serious but no one has been able to help me because of insurance, not really caring, ect. I recently have become sexually active as well, and it hurts when we do it in a ceratin position. It stays sore for about a day or two or I just have a constant pain on the side of my stomach, by my hip. Can anyone help me?
- Boyle Heights, CA
im like so scarred i will never get the big O , i dunno wuts wrong with me . during foreplay i do , but wen we get started i feel nothing . sum body please help me . im so scarred there might be something seriously wrong with me and i would go talk to my doctor but im really shy to talk to people about it and since u all dont know who i am i have nothing to worry about . but seriously , its making me mad .
hi, i'm 22. i have orgasms all the time, but i have very sharp pains in my stomach on my right side, does anybody knows what that is caused by?
I'm not sure if this is the place to ask this question but i have been searching for the answer and it seems maybe this is the place....
I am 20 years old and just recently found out what it really feels like to have an orgasm and it was with a guy thats 10 years older than me (obviously he had more experience and knew much more than anyone else i had ever been with and how to get me off) Well since that experience my clit has been SUPER sensative and i'm talking it is like gettiing worse...it's not really a hurt or a feel good feeling it's just sensative to anything! even just air! i can't relax because it's always got feeling to it....that's the best way i know how to describe it...and i don't know why...or if its normal or if i need to do something about it or what? Someone please help!!! Reply to me as: avie l! thanks yall! :)
Avie,
Try visiting our Women's Health: Friends Talking board and asking your question there.
Thanks!
incredible, just simply incredible!! i can't tell you all how incredibly thankful i am i found thid site and this particular blog thing! i have learned mor ein the last 20 minutes of reading than all my life combined! i am 20 and i was never told anything about sexuality, other than my period caused blood, babies hurt, and men have a penis! seriously that's literally the extent of my sexual knowledge! this past spring however, i had to fill an extra 3 credit hours in college so i took a human sexuality course and learned a bit more. ironically, i met the man i lost my virginity to in that class, and really he was just great, we hit it off immediately, and he really made me feel great emotionally. when i never really got that much pleasure from sex, or had an orgasm, i though maybe i was broken or something or he just wasn't doing it right. well, my best friend, a gay guy, talked me into buying a virator, and out of curiosity i used it. the first time i used it i got that "gushing" thing people have talked about here and thought i had peed myself. i've done that a few more times, and realized on my own that i had orgasmed, although i was still clueless to the "gushing". But from what i've read here, i've been masterbating and orgasming since i was about 9 years old! i still dont think i've reached "the big O" because it's not, to my reconing, as great a thing as some make it out to be. but from what i've read i now know i'm not broken, and neither is he, and i'm definitely on the right track!! this truely is a great site!!
I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 5 YEARS, HAVE HAD ORGASMS THROUGH ORAL SEX/MASTURBATION... BUT WANT TO THROUGH REGULAR SEX. i WAS ON TOP AND I THINK I WAS ABOUT TO REALLY HAVE A VAGINAL ORGASM,,, AND THEN I FELT THAT "gush" YOU WERE ALL WRITING ABOUT... I IMMEDIATELY STOPPED AND WAS VERY EMBARRASSED... I THOUGHT I PEED ON MY HUSBAND-- HE WAS COOL ABOUT IT BUT I AM SCARRED NOW--- WAS I REALLY ABOUT TO COME AND STOPPED -- SO IT WASN'T PEE? (IT DIDN'T SMELL LIKE PEE...)
hELP!!!
hOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO GET COMMENTS on our questions usually?
(7-3-07)
To anonymous directly above this post:
If you scroll through the comments to this post you will see numerous referrals to our message boards, where answers are readily available.
You are also welcome to use our search box at the top of the blog page to search for answers related to your questions.
When I became sexually active and didn't have orgasms I thought I needed time to be able to feel it, but after three years of having sex without orgasms I understood that something was wrong with me. So I decided to try different creams, supplements (Sentia) and diets. I helped. I have wonderful and deep orgasms now. So there are no women who don't able to have orgasms, there are women who don't want to do something.
Dakopo---
When you say someone doesn't want to do things to have an orgasm, give more specific information. I have been having sex for 5 years, and I have tried to have orgasms through sex-- and I JUST CAN'T. I have tried many things... so what is the secret? (I have orgasms though cunnilingus-but I REALLY want to the other way...) What creams work? What diets? What do you mean?-
Thanks "Kitty"
Anonymous said...
I am 34 years old and I have had both a gushing orgasm and the one that feels like you are relax and tense, with you legs shaking. I feel I can acheive the "gushing" orgasm anytime but HOW can I acheive the more leg shaking orgasm????
Hi everyone, I am 19 years old and my boyfriend is 30. I dont think orgasms have anything to do with experience, i think that it is just me. I have orgasms every time with oral sex but I have never had one during regular sex. I really need to know what to do about this problem. I hate not being able to cum. I need to know different positions or techniques. If you can help me respond to Key. Thank you.
Dear Anonymous from Boyle Heights,
First,you need to get a second opinion. Call your county health department or the nearest planned parenthood clinic and explain your financial situation and frustration over your chronic yeast infections. If you are a student or do not work full-time, they will probably let you come in and pay on a sliding scale. Be sure to give them a detailed history of your sex life (you may be passing the infection back and forth with your partners), diet
(high sugar/carb/alcohol consumption feeds yeast ), hygeine habits ( you could be washing too much or too little or simply be allergic to certain soaps or fragrances), frequency of antbiotics use ( they tend to diminsh the good bacteria in us needed to counteract the bad) and whether they should do a blood test to rule out diabetes, which is known to cause chronic yeast infections. Whatever the case, it is treatable and can be managed if a good doctor can locate the source of the problem. In addition to the above, ask your new dr.if it would be ok if you took acidophillus daily (along with any meds she prescribes). You can pick it up at any health food store and it will naturally help to keep yeast levels in check. If left unchecked, yeast problems can become systemic and cause an increase in allergies, sinus infections, skin rashes, digestive disturbances etc. Just remember that all of us have yeast, but you may be one of those sensitive people who responds quite quickly to the slightest inbalance and therfore needs to keep a close watch on it. Good luck!
Dear Anonymous from Boyle Heights,
There are a couple more things I thought of since I wrote to you last about your yeast/ sensitive skin problem. Always wash and dry your vagina after sex to diminsh the chances of yeast/bacteria overgrowth.If you can't shower right away, you can just sit on the toilet near a sink and use a cup to rinse/wash the area. Be mindful of the kind of soap you are using (try fragrance free soaps or products from the Aveeno line of)and dry the area well with white (opposed to dyed )toilet paper or paper towels (don't flush paper towels) verses a bath towel that has been washed in harsh detergents. Also, could your daily use of pads be aggravating the issue? You may not be getting enough of a chance to air out the area (at least do it at night by not wearing underwear to bed) not to mention all the friction and irritation the pads could cause. Lastly,try to wear cotton underwear most of the time and never sit around in a wet bathing suit. Well, I hope some of this helps! Sincerely,Renee
I have recently started having really thick, white cum...is that normal? It doesn't have any smell. I'm 43 and I have no problem achieving orgasms. This is new to me and wondered if anyone else has expienced this or knows the answer.
I have seen a couple of comments regarding pain during orgasm, but no one has really had any advice about it. I'm 21 and writing in regards to pain during orgasm as well. The only way to describe this awkward sensation is that its a sharp pain in what feels like my ovaries/pelvic area as well as my vagina/clitoris itself. The intensity of the pain varies with every orgasm, sometimes just a slight annoying uncomfortable pain and other times more of a stabbing sort of pain. I've never orgasmed during sex, only by myself or with oral sex. Someone please let me know if you're experiencing anything similar as well as if you have any suggestions as to why it's happening or how i can make it stop.
THANKS!!
I'm definitely the freak in the bunch here. I'm 48 years old and have never, ever had an orgasm during sex or even during waking hours. I have only experienced orgasm through my dreams and wake up while having the orgasm and have even tightened my muscles and stimulated my clitoris to extend the wonderful feeling. So I know what it feels like, but have never had it happen during making love to my husband. I feel broken and have cried many silent tears over this. I was raised in a sexually dysfunctional family. Much molestation went on as a child. I'm going to try the muscle tensing technique and see if it helps at all. Thanks to all you very young sucessful women.
http://www.tantra.co.nz/tantrahome/Femaleejaculation/index.htm Some of you try this site it is very informative and it briefly discusses the history of Ejaculating, it also discusses "gushing". I'm a man and have had problems giving my wife a big "O” but this site has given me some valuable info for trying different techniques. She also has the urge to "pee" and has held it preventing an orgasm. Women, talk to your partners take charge, let them know what feels good because we know as little about the big "O" as some of you do and I would hate for the "locker room talk" to teach a man how to please a woman. Best wishes in reaching your peak!
i'm 25 i've had both orgasms i think but after a have my orgasm it feels weird to touch i can't keep going. I can't get re arroused. Thats the end of our sexual night. My husband is getting a little annoyed. How do i keep going? How do i acheive multiple orgasms?
Yeast issues, and no extra money for meds. Try mouth wash, put a little on a cloth and pat it to the outer area that burns. It will sting at first but heal in a day.
thank you very much for this site. i have appreciated the questions and answers. it was very helpful. I am 42 and just had my 1st gushing orgasm. I thought like many of you, I just peed all over my husband and it really upset me. I cried. It was such a turn on for my husband because he has read about this type of female orgasm and thought maybe he was a failure because it had never happened before. Now I know that it is not what I thought, PEE but just a natural female reaction to true lovemaking. It really does feel Great and I plan on giving many more of them to my husband and myself. Thanks so much.
To the one who was molested, I share your pain! I was molested as a young girl and although I could self-stimulate, it came with a price tag of major league GUILT and SHAME. Took me 8 years of off-and-on-again therapy to shake out the crap and learn to appreciate myself and my body -- all you who say you have to accept yourself unconditionally are RIGHT -- and occasionally I've had the big O. Funny thing, though, I never "gushed" until this past summer when I reconnected with a long lost love to whom I was engaged 22 years ago! Now it's all good. God bless to all of you who were sexually (and otherwise) abused in youth. It really messes with you in adulthood.
I have recently discovered that I "gush" orgasm, and i was wondering if its normal to "gush" around 3 litres???
I have a question to all women out there. I was talking to my girlfriends about multiple orgasms. They do not believe that I can orgasm up to 12 times in one sexual act. I have been able to do this for many years and with two different partners. Is there anyone else out there that can relate?
i am 50+ years old and have not had an orgasm in about 20-25 years. i recently reconnected with a high school honey and WOW...the multiple orgasms have rocked my world in a way I cannot describe.
i'm so VERY happy to know that others have experienced the same pleasure as i have; that the 'bed wetting thing' is not something i created and am alone in the world about!
As an aside, i thought i was done; that my life of 'pleasure' had been checked out when i married. the last 2 times we (my high school honey and i) had sex (this week), i had 8-15 orgasms; though i lost track. WHO CARES after the first one!
THANK YOU, webmd, for allowing us women who were molested and who have been sexually repressed for years to speak 'openly' about this problem/these questions under the shadow of anonymoty (is that how that is spelled?)
I have learned things here that I had never spoken to ANYONE about in my WHOLE LIFE. I am completely serious! It's amazing that a woman of my age can live this long and not have a clue about such things.
At any rate, I appreciate the forum; the ability to have multiple orgasms (thanks, H.S. honey!) and know that they are not just some repressed sexuality that I have been imagining/wishing for......this is a slice of heaven.
ROCK ON, women......keep probing and, maybe we will all get to the root of our questions/problems and sexuality in the truest sense of the word!
Thanks again, webmd!
I don't know what to say or what to do...I haven't been involved with someone who can help me achieve an orgasim through intercouse. I haven't been with someone since I was assulted. Don't get me wrong, I want to so very much. It drives me crazy at times. I need to know that not every guy is about wham bam thank ya mam. Someone's got to have some advise for this woman. Recently, I received a letter from the Pope that he has reclassified me a virgin since it's been so long & I'm not even Cathlic. I could just screem. Any one else going thru this?
I'm just going into college and in the traditional sense of the word, I'm a virgin. But I've had a few sexual encounters involving petting, fingering, and things of the sort. I also masturbate from time to time so I know what feels good to my body. But I don't know if I'm achieving an orgasm or not. I usually get pretty wet and as time goes on I get his tingly feeling around my clitoris, my heartbeat and breathing quickens and my muscle tense. But it happens within like two minutes sometimes one when i'm masturbating! Am I having an orgasm because it does feel really good. Should it happen that fast? Is it normal to just shut down right after? And is it most likely that i'll have this problem when I become more sexually active? Any thoughts?
I am 26 years old and I have never had an organsm... I am not sure what an orgasm is suppose to feel like or how to achieve one... My partner and I have been trying for some time to help me achieve one but we have had no luck! Please advice me what I should do or what steps I should take; and how I could make him happy - I know it would make both of us happy and reduce a lot of tension in the bedtime knowing that I can orgasm and its not him or me...
life happens
For me it took a few years to figure out what I had to do to reach orgasm. For me it was needing to do pelvic rocks during sex with a man on top. When I did orgasm it shocked me. Then when I would get on top and grind instead of riding up and down I also orgasmed. The true key for me was to not worry about reaching orgasm but to enjoy the feelings. That ended up letting me learn how to orgasm.
I have gushed during masturbation and also during oral sex. Its not all the time and it is a weird feeling before hand of wanting to pee but I worked beyond that feeling and let it happen and it was pretty intense. Sometimes I would gush before the orgasm. So that was a shock.
The trick for me to achieving orgasms still rest with not masturbating for a few days before sex, also I found during ovulation I am so sensitive that sex becomes an intense enjoyable act. I have avoided vibrators on my clit for years now and found I can actually orgasm easier too. I read in a article once that vibrators can create a environment for the clit to become insensitive to anything but the vibrator. Now I have tried to use one and found it has no pleasure for me. Now I prefer to use dildo's only for self pleasure. When I want that g-spot orgasm I play with my g-spot for a few min then I switch to playing with my clit for a few min. Alternating ends up bringing me to orgasm quiker. I had remembered when I would masturbate when I was younger I would grind on a pillow. This I practice in the on top position. With my legs close together and much tension in my legs. I found its really important for me to do pelvic rocks no matter the position with someone or by myself.Over the years I found my skin has lost feeling everywhere. I thought it was a age thing. Then I discovered on a site about flouride in water causing all kinds of problems including skin numbness. So now I drink only distilled water. I take baths with baking soda(about three tablespoons) and I add some epsom salts about half a cup. I take calcium and magnesium to help the body rid itself of these skin numbing metals and now my skin is sensitive like it used to be. So sex and orgasms are more pleasurable and frequent.
Now I do tend to sleep better since getting off tap water and flouride.
Just a reminder:
We welcome comments here but we do ask that you not use profanity or common vernacular for body parts. We will remove those posts.
Thanks!
I am 39 years old and was married for 21 years and NEVER gushed and didn't have a clue what it was..Then, I found someone that is WONDERFUL...The first time i did this it scared me also, I thought it was urine and I was embarrassed but it wasn't..After several times I realized what it was and it is so great.Its all about someone loving you like you love them And I know from experience its about the person your with making you feel comfortable I had been with my husband and only my husband and I thought i was comfortable but its so different.My boyfriend is the one that was made for me he makes me comfortable in such a different way and i gush 10 or 12 times everytime and its wonderful and i can do this every nite over and over and it amazes him but he loves it cuz he knows what I went thru in my marriage. its incredible...
I'm 16, I've never had sex before and I'm waiting till I get married. I figured one way to keep me happy was to masturbate, and for the longest time I would try and try and nothing would work.I never had done things with a boy that made me orgasm. I would pretend to make them feel better but nothing worked. I was really ready to give up my celibacy to have some pleasure. But then finally one day in the shower while I was attempting to masturbate I felt this incredible sensation shoot though my body. After ward, after almost blacking out from pure joy. I realized I had just orgasmed. I found that when I tightened my muscles around the area, it worked. Now mostly every time I do it, I orgasm. I know it took time for me and I was ready to ruin my goal of staying a virgin out of pure desperation. So I really do feel for you woman who are having difficulty in your later years. But stay strong I know that it will happen for your sooner or later. (hopefully sooner) And I also wanted to add, that I'm very thankful to share my story with people who understand.
this comment is for anonymous who left a comment at 10:48am. personally i dont think it's cute to hear about a 17 yr old little girl having orgasms this is i would assume for grown women and for any women to take you advice would be just promoting teenage sex. That was very ignorant for you to post something on this site and your parents need to check you computer. leave this to the grown women, you'll get your chance. by the time you are our age you wont be able to orgasm anymore because you are gonna wear yourself out at your age.......lol......slow dont little girl.