From The Sex Files: Fetishes
I am often asked what's the most unusual story that I've ever heard in my office. Several come to mind. Here's one.About twenty years ago, when I had only been a sex therapist for a few years, a man then in his forties came in and described his fetishistic relationship with a particular sound. Yes, that's right -- a sound.
When he was about ten years old, he and his buddies would play baseball in the dead end street where they lived. An attractive young, married woman lived on the street. She had a car that was difficult to start. She would get in the car and attempt to start it and this often took a while. The boys would all move to the side of the street and wait for her to get the car started and drive down the street through the middle of their game. Because my client found her attractive, he found the somewhat whining sound of a car engine that "just won't turn over" eventually became linked to feelings of sexual arousal.
When he became old enough to drive, my client began to create his own "damsel in distress" situations that reminded him of his attractive neighbor's struggle with her car. He would drive to a local shopping area and wait until he saw an attractive woman park her car. While she was in doing her grocery shopping, he would lift the hood of the car (hood locks were yet to be invented) and pull a wire loose on her distributor cap. Then he would wait for her to return to her car.
She'd get in and struggle with getting the car started. He'd watch, gathering his fantasy material for a while. Then, he would go to the woman and ask if she needed help with getting her car started. He'd then go under the hood and replace the wire he'd moved earlier. She'd thank him, grateful for his help, and he'd work his way toward asking her out on a date. This worked out several times and once even progressed into a long term relationship.
As I sat listening to his story, I realized two things. First, given the right circumstances, a person could develop an eroticism for probably any sound. That meant that it was likely that somewhere someone probably gets turned on by the sound of a blender or fingernails on a chalkboard. Second, I couldn't help but think that this story gave a new meaning to the term "auto-eroticism."
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15 Comments:
i am in a sexless marriage for 8 yrs i can count on one hand how many times a 10 second session happened. he has had 2 failed marriages, each lasted 1 yr. with them having affairs. i had a 20 plus very sexual relationship with no inhabitions, romantic, communicative, etc. i was single for 7 yrs. and sexual. he and i fight which i have never experienced, if i bring this sex subject up. i have cried etc. and now am so angry i don't care, would not let him touch me. i was a size 8 ,am 5'9 1/2 when i met him, now am depressed have gained a bit of weight, and when i loose it he says i am too skinny. he is very insecure. he is definately not having an affair and is self coscience of his penis size and jealous of my outgoing personality and attention i get. i want to leave but he tells me he would commit suicide if i left. HELP, I HAVE YET TO HAVE AN AFFAIR.
The best thing you can probably do for yourself is to get out now. Outwardly, it sounds like he is trying to control you through threatening to harm himself. This might escalate into threats to harm you. Counseling may also be called for, and if you can't go together, go by (and for) yourself.
Try and get him to go to a sex therapist or a regular therapist. If he will not do this leave him with no guilt if he does harm himself in the end.
If you want to stay with him you have to either buy some toys and satisfy yourself or have an affair
Well that seriously sucks. I was in a long term relationship with exactly the same circumstances, I threatned to leave him, he threatened to kill himself, but i turned around and said its your decision and walked away.
Have an affair. It ended his other 2 marriages, right? Have an affair; it will end the relationship with a divorce. Make your decisions now what you want to take with you when the end comes. But find someone, have an affair, fall in love, whatever. But don't stay in that horrible marriage a second longer than you have to!!
i have been in a sexless marriage for 13 yrs.i hope she gets out. i hsve never understood why.maybe it's me.
you could always try counseling,(marriage) or you could also try the sex therapy but the answer is not have an affair. The oath you took when you got married more than likely said something like for better or worse , till death do you part. First give your all into this. Give him the choice of therapy, get a chance to tell him how you feel and show him the same courtesy. it nmore than likely stems from some sort of depression or that something is really bothering him, and if you bring it to his attention then he might actually wake up and smell the roses. Make sure you give him the option of counseling or therapy before you decide to make a regretful decision, because all that is going to do is cause pain all around. Whatever you do I wish you the best of luck!! I just hope its the right thing
maybe he has some sexual insecurities, you said a 10 second session, maybe he's insecure of his premature ejaculation, or maybe he has another medical condition like erectile dysfunction? I know as women, we tend to not realize that some issues we bring up we tend to come across or they percieve us as attacking them, when it isn't the case, so counseling would be a great idea as well. Also, ever just drop to your knees in a drop of a hat? act extremely sexual to try and turn him on? just because you're married doesn't mean there shoudln't be surprises in the bedroom.....i've been married twice and sex was never a problem, if there was i'd find out why, there probably is a very good explanation that could be easily fixed if approached with the right caution and care.
I know several unluckly women in marriages like that. I have affairs with them. I am married too so they know what it is all about, but nobody deserves that. They have serious self esteem issue. I try to show them that they are special and unique and it is not their fault.
I am in a 20 year marriage and love my wife very much. Since our daughter was born alomst 15 years ago, sex has been nearly non-existent and before that it was very healthy. My wife says since she gave birth, sex is painful and she thinks it is normal. When we do have sex, she is mentally not there, then says hurry up I've got something to do. She will not discuss it with her doctor or with me. I have never been unfaithful, but my urge is getting harder to resist because it has been so long that we have been together. I have told her I feel more like a roommate who just shares expenses, chores (and yes we both love and raise our daughter together and supportively). I have just turned 40 and feel like if I'm going to leave her and have an opportunity to find another, I need to do it before I get much older. I want to save our marriage and spend the rest of my life with her, but the physical part of our relationship is vital to me and I need it as part of our marriage. If she is not willing to at least look into what is causing her physical pain, I feel that I am going to leave her. Someone who has experienced similar pain for years after giving birth, please let me know. I NEED HELP!
I have been married for 20 years and have 3 kids. My husband is a doctor. We have no hobbies together.He wants me to clean the house. He comes home & checks the laundry & dishes etc. He does not want me to stop when he gets home.
I am sorry to hear about your relationship but, the truth is he is in a very good confort zone. this is the same thing as I am in but I was up to a 17 and now I'm down to a 4-5 and he likes it but he doesn't. So what if he threatens you with suiside, if he had the real courage to do so he would have already done it. He's making you feel guilty. and quit franckly hes doing a good job! let me ask you something? You were on your once before right? you had all the freedon correct. and you were able to make it also. So what,also you enjoyed some of best sexual encounters while you were with a person or in private with your self while on your own!I would have to say screw it, get on with your life. Go enjoy enjoy it like you used to do back in the day! Just walk away and don't look back!
it is never okay to have an affair. that will not fix your problems. try to work it out or leave. An affair is cowardess and the person who gave that advice has caused pain in their own life. LIVE FOR YOURSELF. enjoy your life. But respect yourself. Belive more of yourself. If you want a divorce get one your husband may be sad he may kill himself, chances are that he will slowly move on. If he had the choice of you cheating or leaving what would HE choose?
First off it is never ok to have an affair, that only makes things worse, emotional, sexually, and legally (if you or he ever sues for anything) so it is a bad idea altogether. Secondly I believe certain things are owed to one another, love, support, affection, and sex. If one party is abandoning the other, and refuses to change, or even go to a counselor, they are abandoning that part of their marriage commitment. This abandonment is grounds for divorce (if you care about a Christian point of view) in both the secular, and religious world. Therefore if you cannot compromise, got to a counselor, or even try I'd would say get a divorce.
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