The Four Paths to Conflict Resolution

Photo: Masahiro Hayata

Over and over again this week I found myself explaining what in the field of psychotherapy is commonly called "the four methods of conflict resolution." I actually view these approaches as "the four ways to get to an agreement." Three of the methods are commonly used and often put couples into resentment and disharmony. But the fourth is quite good and can help a relationship stay on a healthy course. Of course, it's not always easy to do.

The first approach is Competition. It involves struggling to dominate the other person, avoid granting his or her desire, and just plain getting one's way. The motto for this approach is: "I win and you lose."

The second style is Accommodation. The person who solves differences by accommodation gives up on his or her wishes and rolls over to the other person's choices. The motto for this style is: "I lose and you win."

The third path is Compromise. Many folks think that this is the best option for resolving differences, but actually, it's not all that good. When compromise occurs, both people wind up giving up on something that they want - and typically they linger arguing over who gave up more! This motto is: "I lose and you lose."

The most useful choice is Cooperation. This involves a sometimes complicated (but worthwhile) endeavor to figure out what both parties want and then look for a way to have that happen. The motto is: "I win and you win."

Cooperation requires that the two individuals figure out exactly what is at the root of their desires. This may mean stripping away lots of little extras that can get tacked onto "their side" of the matter. Here's an example.

Suppose that a couple is planning a vacation. They may bicker and debate about where to go. All sorts of issues may be rolled up in this "ball of wax." But, if the couple really does some soul searching, they might realize that he wants to go someplace that is not too expensive (since he has other destinations for some of his money). She may say, "What I really want is to go to a tropical destination."

So, let's take it from his viewpoint. If competition is used, they would go to Motel Six in Oregon. It's certainly cheap, but it's neither tropical nor really cold in the summer.

If accommodation is used, they would go to a Marriott in Mexico. It's certainly tropical there, but it's not going to be such a bargain.

If compromise is their way of deciding, they'd head to Alaska and stay at the Ritz Carlton (if there is one there). It's cold and expensive. They both lose and I could easily picture a lot of displeasure with that outcome.

But, if it's cooperation that they choose, they'd pick an inexpensive little spot in Mexico. It's tropical and no one had to run up high bills on the charge card.

It takes the willingness to search out what really matters in order for cooperation to work. I find myself spending ample time with clients learning what those bottom line desires really are. When these desires are acknowledged, urges toward simply "winning" can be replaced with finding that great solution that leaves a smile on both faces.

Related Topics:

• Happy Couples: What It Takes to Be One
• Be Nice, Don't Nitpick

Technorati Tags: marriage, couples, happiness, conflict resolution, health and wellness