Secretive Sex Outside a Committed Relationship
This may seem like a complicated way to title a post. But, it is the way that I view it. There are committed relationships - married and unmarried - in which sex with someone other than one's partner is OK. I'm not thinking about that kind of sex today. I'm thinking about the secret kind - the kind people often call "affairs" or "cheating."
Right now I have five heterosexual couples and one gay male couple in my therapy practice in which secretive sex has occurred. These couples all share the similarity of the male having gone outside the relationship (though I have had many couples in which it's been the female and in other same-sex couples in which a female has strayed). These current couples are all married, except two. The gay male couple didn't take advantage of the brief time period when San Francisco was granting marriage licenses. And one of the heterosexual couples has lived together for more than a year. All but two involved sex with one or more females. The other two couples (one of these, the gay male couple) involved sexual activity with a male.
I want to describe some of what people go through when someone in a relationship has sexual contact with someone other than his or her committed romantic partner. It's a complicated topic; many books have been written about it. I'd like to add some of my thoughts about it from working in the trenches with people who are trying to put their relationship back together once the sex is no longer a secret. The fact that they are in therapy is a statement that they would both like to work it out. Some couples don't make it that far.
Each of these relationships also had issues running that hadn't really been acknowledged. Things like: untreated alcoholism, a sense of being insignificant, unexplored curiosity about sex with a man, imbalances in the areas of work, contributions and earnings, and difficulties managing anger.
The couples I'm currently seeing had another thing in common. None of the women really saw it coming. They were rather surprised when they happened to come across information, such as email or cell phone bills, that struck them as odd.
All report feeling like someone hit them with a two by four when they discovered their mate's sexual activities. Their ability to trust was reduced to almost none. One, in particular, began asking her mate to account for his time at all times. It wound up being very difficult for them because he was put into the predicament of lying when he tried to create a surprise trip for her birthday and a special treat on their anniversary. She is now facing choosing between surprises (which she really enjoys) and having her moment-by-moment knowledge of his whereabouts -- because he just doesn't want to lie to her anymore. I suspect she'll let go of surprises because she can't stand not knowing exactly where he is.
Another couple is wrangling with the issue that there will likely be an intersection between their lives and that of a secretive sex partner of his out in the community. Another has already run into that issue. There can be repercussions related to the work environment and one couple is coping with that.
These men generally do not want to discuss the details of their sex outside the relationship. Yet, almost uniformly their mates definitely want to know. Getting this information seems to help them feel less insecure, even though the details of the secretive sex contain information that hurts to learn.
In seeking this information, the betrayed are often trying to remedy the shock aspect of the situation. They attempt to piece together the signs that could have told them that this was coming or that it was even a possibility. They start explaining to themselves how this happened and often re-examine ambiguous situations looking for useful clues. Sometimes they think, "How could I have been so stupid?!"
In my experience, it takes an entire year for most couples to sense true progress after secretive sex has come to light. The partner who discovers it seems to need to go through all the seasons, all the holidays, and live through the anniversary date of the discovery - before it feels remotely safe to begin to trust again.
Related Topics: Technorati Tags: sex, infidelity, cheating, affairs, sexual health
Right now I have five heterosexual couples and one gay male couple in my therapy practice in which secretive sex has occurred. These couples all share the similarity of the male having gone outside the relationship (though I have had many couples in which it's been the female and in other same-sex couples in which a female has strayed). These current couples are all married, except two. The gay male couple didn't take advantage of the brief time period when San Francisco was granting marriage licenses. And one of the heterosexual couples has lived together for more than a year. All but two involved sex with one or more females. The other two couples (one of these, the gay male couple) involved sexual activity with a male.
I want to describe some of what people go through when someone in a relationship has sexual contact with someone other than his or her committed romantic partner. It's a complicated topic; many books have been written about it. I'd like to add some of my thoughts about it from working in the trenches with people who are trying to put their relationship back together once the sex is no longer a secret. The fact that they are in therapy is a statement that they would both like to work it out. Some couples don't make it that far.
Each of these relationships also had issues running that hadn't really been acknowledged. Things like: untreated alcoholism, a sense of being insignificant, unexplored curiosity about sex with a man, imbalances in the areas of work, contributions and earnings, and difficulties managing anger.
The couples I'm currently seeing had another thing in common. None of the women really saw it coming. They were rather surprised when they happened to come across information, such as email or cell phone bills, that struck them as odd.
All report feeling like someone hit them with a two by four when they discovered their mate's sexual activities. Their ability to trust was reduced to almost none. One, in particular, began asking her mate to account for his time at all times. It wound up being very difficult for them because he was put into the predicament of lying when he tried to create a surprise trip for her birthday and a special treat on their anniversary. She is now facing choosing between surprises (which she really enjoys) and having her moment-by-moment knowledge of his whereabouts -- because he just doesn't want to lie to her anymore. I suspect she'll let go of surprises because she can't stand not knowing exactly where he is.
Another couple is wrangling with the issue that there will likely be an intersection between their lives and that of a secretive sex partner of his out in the community. Another has already run into that issue. There can be repercussions related to the work environment and one couple is coping with that.
These men generally do not want to discuss the details of their sex outside the relationship. Yet, almost uniformly their mates definitely want to know. Getting this information seems to help them feel less insecure, even though the details of the secretive sex contain information that hurts to learn.
In seeking this information, the betrayed are often trying to remedy the shock aspect of the situation. They attempt to piece together the signs that could have told them that this was coming or that it was even a possibility. They start explaining to themselves how this happened and often re-examine ambiguous situations looking for useful clues. Sometimes they think, "How could I have been so stupid?!"
In my experience, it takes an entire year for most couples to sense true progress after secretive sex has come to light. The partner who discovers it seems to need to go through all the seasons, all the holidays, and live through the anniversary date of the discovery - before it feels remotely safe to begin to trust again.
Related Topics: Technorati Tags: sex, infidelity, cheating, affairs, sexual health
103 Comments:
and even worst than a sexual cheat is the emotional affair. my husband and i went thru this for the past 3 years. we have been married for 21 years and this affair darn cost him the marriage.
If my husband ever cheated on my I would NEVER take him back, I wouldn't even think about therapy. If he disrespected me that way then I could never trust him again.
I’ve found this commentary quite informative as I know personally of one situation where the partner is drained and feels that ‘they’ can no longer coup. In their case it is not an affair, just that the aim of the relationship seemly has expired and sex is just a matter of obligation. After ten years of living together what can this relationship attempt to resuscitate its heartbeat, when one wants out cause all effort made go on unappreciated, all financial strain is on the weaker vessel, and the stronger comments ‘you can never leave me!” You review on this situation would be greatly appreciative
I found out my SO was perusing and downloading pornography. He of course had no idea how that stuff got on his computer which of course was a line of bull. I told him that I would cheat with a live person if I ever discovered that he was using the internet for smut. Well, I did and never felt any guilt. If he thinks he is being sneaky well guess what, think again, hehehe.
Webmd staff. How can you leave that last comment up? Its shameful, disturbing and not helpful at all.
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I think the person who was cheated
on needs to consider why the SO cheated, if that person was not
fullfillng the other persons needs
sexually, then it tends to make it
easier for the infidelity to occur.
erruThere is another twist which hasn't been mentioned. Years after the affair occured, HE accused me of having one. There was absolutly no validity to the accusation but he continued to pursue the idea. I have found logs of my activities and whereabouts, pictures of crazy items he thinks are related and then the icing on the cake, sperm tests on my underware. He became absolutly convienced that it was from some one else! "No, slick, no wonder you never made detective. You need DNA not fertility, IDIOT"! He has done things I never did when I knew he was having an affair. Twenty four years after the affair when it should be gone and forgotten we are still battling it in another form and are very much at odds with his crazy jealous actions. I can honestly say that it well may be the end of our marriage.
I have been married for 15-1/2 years and over that time period my marriage has been ok. No real good times to speak of. About 8 months ago we started swinging and it was the best thing that every happened to my marriage and me. It actually made me turned on to my husband and I enjoyed him for the first time. He wasn't as much in to it and basically held me back. By him doing that I made the mistake of doing it without his knowledge. I felt justified in doing it because he wouldn't participate with me. Now he has found out about it and has stopped it all together. I had gotten out of control but now I am really finding it hard to go back to a lifestyle of just being with him and being excited about it. I'm afraid I'll never be able to be the person he wants me to be and I'll never be able to find that sexual happiness again. I don't know what to do. I want to stay married to my husband but the spark is gone that the swinging gave me. I see my sex life now as dull and just normal. I need help and I don't know where to turn to get it. I don't know how to get over this feeling of loss and anger towards him for taking this away from me. I was addicted to the lifestyle and I don't know how to get over that. I can't talk to him about it because he just doesn't understand. He wants to be with me and only me and I don't feel the same way. If you've never tried the lifestyle you won't understand either. There are no relationships just couples getting together from time to time to share a little adult fun and excitement. It in no way affects the feelings I have for my husband. They are totally separate. I'm lost and don't know where to turn for help.
I dont mean to be anyones moral judge. Your mother should have taught that. It seems today that the Sexual Affairs are becoming more financially motivated than just for sex. In all the years that I have worked in companies, I have found that the other woman is just 2 cents short of a prostitute. Their goals are everending persuits of happiness through the downfall of someone elses losses and their families loss. I have met numerous women in my years of employment that use their pants rather than their abilities to get ahead. They are nothing short of a bank robber when they risk it all, childrens losing their fathers, wifes losing their partners and their hard earned assets to a hooker putting it out there to steel if from the hard working supporting wife. Not to mention how they put the hard working co-worker to the side so he/she can stomp over them with their stalettos. Its time someone speaks up in the name of Morals and for the sake of the family
Cheaters its time to analize your selves and quit blaming the partner for your short falls.
I was married for 18 years. Four boys, really nice house and two business'. My wife announced that she was seeing somebody and that was that. Asked me to move out, but still wants me to provide for all of her expensive habits. Who knows, I may even be providing for her boyfriend at this point. Affairs are like cancer, they kill.
Its not right to "cheat", but I dont think humans are "hardwired" to be with one person.
*Sigh*
Cheating, & lies(cause that's what it leads to)...hurting someone like 'THAT' is absolutely direful! I hate that excuse..well he or she cheated because they weren't sexually satisified at home or blah, blah, blah...THEN LEAVE that person before you hurt them worst and CHEAT!..Because of selfish reasons. At least leaving them first and being honest cuts the pain in half. I remember how I felt when one night I felt something in my gut..something wrong! My SO was expecting my call after my long day at work, I told him I'd call when I'd get off. I called finally happy to finish the day and then to get to hear his voice..BUT something was real wrong..he wasn't answering. Tried for about an hour no answer. It was after midnight and my gut was burning..I drove to his place and I got in to his complex(hard to do)got to his loft and before I knocked I listened through the door(the door is a industrial like door, hallow and easy to hear thru), cause all was dark inside..AND I swear to this day I heard a girl moaning(pretty intense sounding) MY BLOOD almost drained from the bottom of my feet! I knocked right away and then listened again..the moaning stopped. I knocked and knocked and knockey..no answer. I then call from my cell. I could hear his phone ringing. But no answer either. I had tears in my eyes, anger in my whole body..or I think hurt! I sat there outside for nearly an hour to wait. I listened again thru the door and I could hear slight whispers(mind you this is open loft in the inside very echoey, no bedrooms. AND no other doors but the front one!) Something in me wanted to wait til dawn, I knew obliviously he had someone in there..but my heart just took my home instead. It was what it was..looked like crap, smelled like it...HAD to be it! You know. I finally talked to him the next day..of course he sound very distant!! I told him I was knocking at his door and calling, all he said was he crashed out, fell deep asleep! Yeah right!!! Shortly after about a week and half later needless to say he left me. GEE I wonder why?? I have never done anything like that..gone to someones home uninvited but my gut was telling something was not right! AND I'm glad I went albeit I didn't see it with my own eyes but I probably saved me from some more of his 'to come lies' and more of my wasted time invested. SECRETIVE SEX Outside a COMMITTED Relationship is the worst kind of treachery!!! And I think of all the worst stories out there..like catching them in the act, in your bed!! My God..I can't imagine.. but if I had a key to his place at that time I most likely would have been in that position!
Cheating is cheating is cheating. No matter what form it is in. If you are married sex should be between you and your spouse only. Someone always ends up hurt and a lot of the times it's the children that suffer the most (when children are involved). Oh, and just a footnote here - if you have ever been cheated on you are not "paying anyone back" by cheating on them. All you are doing is degrading yourself and pulling yourself down to their immoral level. No wonder STD's are so prevalent and widespread. No one knows how to practice self-control anymore. No one thinks about the diseases they could be giving to their partner. Cheating is the epitomy of selfishness and just should not be done. Leave first, but don't put someone whom you say you love and care for at risk. Even if you use the excuse that you used a condom, there are still diseases (HPV, herpes, genital warts, etc.) that can be spread. Leave marriage the way God intended it to be - between one man and one woman.
I have been married for over 20 years and have 2 boys, 12 and 16 years old. My wife and I dated for 2 years and we seemed compatible in every way. As soon as we married she basically stopped being intimate with me. There were times that 6 to 9 months would pass before she would allow me to touch her. At the age of 39 I had had enough and went to the Doctor to be chemically castrated. He would have none of this and tried to get me to go see a therapist. Unfortuneatly I didn't go. I found out when i was 42 that my wife was having an affair with a co-worker. I totally lost it. About 3 minutes after I found out I passed out. The next night after dinner I threw up. I don't remember much of the next 18 months. Medication for clinical depression and anxiety made me a zombie. My therapist said it was so devastating because I had convinced myself if I did everything at home and allow her to come home and relax everything would be okay. Well that's just what she did. She came home around 6 every afternoon, played games on the computer and drank winecoolers while I cooked, cleaned, washed clothes, and did homework with the boys. If it got done at home I did it. She was too busy lying on her back taking care of her boyfriend to do anything for the family. She's still here, says she doesn't want to leave. She still takes birth control pills even though it's been over 3 years since we have had sex. She says they help regulate her cycle. So women can be snakes too!
I'm currently in a "physical" relationship - and have been for almost five years. We are both married but neither one of us are happy with our marriages. My husband has no idea that I'm seeing another man, let alone for over four years. He's clueless. I have no desire to ever have any intimacy with my husband again. The man I'm involved with has the same kind of relationship with his spouse - dull and unexciting and that too, lacking intimacy. I have no shame or guilt over my "other man" in my life - he excites me, makes me feel loved and wanted. Maybe someday we'll find ourselves together, but until then, I'm perfectly content with what I have. Maybe it's time for all spouses to "wake up and feel the coffee"...take a good long hard look at what you share with your spouse. Not what you're looking for? Then do something about it - life is too short.
I am now married to the man that I "cheated" with when married to my former husband. There are reasons that people in committed relationships engage in extra-relational sex. Unless they're sociopaths or narcissists and that's not the topic under discussion.
One thing I'd mention in this morass of confession and pain is that so-called cheating is not always a cry for attention to the primary relationship but rather a cry for an end to the primary relationship. And couples therapy often - in its infinite variety of models - is a painful exercise in futility.
When a man or woman must account for his/her whereabouts 100% of the time, or sit still and endure daily verbal lashings and anger, or be willing to expose the other relationship to the relentless insecure questioning of the spouse/partner/whatever, the primary relationship is essentially over, unless the wounding partner is willing to give up their 'balls' or 'vaginas' to the wounded
partner. This is not an easy to thing to do, for anyone. Sometimes, the motives for trying to keep going are as 'impure' as the 'other' relationship: fear, guilt, money.
I think stating that you want to end your primary relationship prior to an affair is a more honest approach - also unrealistic, as our security and dependency needs tend to overcome our need to be honest thoughtful human beings.
In the sudden shock and trauma of discovery, people can't find a direction that doesn't cause pain and the initial impulse is both 'throw the bum out' AND 'save the marriage. Very difficult to live that way. Growth and change are painful and costly. Moving on may well be part of the picture.
Signed,
a therapist
i have been in a secretive sex relationship for more than 3 years.my husband doesn't even thinks i can cheat on him, we are not married but we've been toghether for 9 years. that relationship has helped me with my husband: i called it "therapy" for myself. my husband and i have great sex life, but this relationship.... i don't know it gives excitment. the other guy is also married. this relationship it's only @ work.
to the person who is speaking of being addicted to the lifestyle of swinging, and who is asking for help, and to anyone who wants to get a handle on affairs and hurting others (and yourself): I had a problem with similar things and by some fortunate circumstances ended up at an SLAA meeting. This program saved my life, my marraige, and makes me a better man everyday. I have integrity now, and a WONDERFUL sex life with my wife, uneffected by porn, liasons, etc that were messing things up so badly. People don't usually come into SLAA until they have totally wrecked their entire life, but really, check it out, and get a handle on your life before the total chaos happens, before you kids hate you, etc.
Sometimes sex is just that. I have cheated with 5 men and my husband has no clue. Its no that I don't love him, sometimes I just need to have more sex.
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My current SO was cheated on by his ex-wife. After they had their two children, she stopped being intimate with him. He continued to be himself... a caring, committed, hard-working father and husband. She asked him to get a vasectomy because she didn't want to have more children. He did, not only because they agreed about not having more children, but also because he was hoping it would help her feel more relaxed about being intimate (not having to worry about getting pregnant). A year later he found out she was cheating on him. She begged him to stay and try couples therapy. He did. She then asked him to move out, but still continue therapy. He did. The whole time, she was still cheating on him. After their eventual divorce, she even had the nerve to ask him if he could tell her lover how to properly pleasure her. That, he would not do. If the sex was better with her husband, why did she feel the need to shut him out and get it elsewhere??? To this day, five years after the divorce, my SO still has issues with "love." He says he's 110% committed to me... for the past 2 years we've had a fantastic relationship and sex life, but he cannot say "I love you" because of how deeply his ex's cheating hurt him.
Women cheat and Men cheat and I think they are usually for different reasons...A man still cares for his wife but she is no longer intimate and an affair begins with someone else who gives him what his wife quit giving him...not just the excitement but the listening and caring...the wife gets in a rut and doesnt want to put forth the effort to make love anymore so he cheats...yet, he doesnt want to hurt his wife because she is a decent person...she just doesn't pay attention to him anymore...then, there's the kids...he doesnt want to hurt them either...it becomes a juggle...and you can credit many of them for trying to get the wife to pay attention again and again by telling the wife he is unhappy...maybe a week or two things will go fine but then its back to the non caring and the no sex....and face it, men want sex and wives forget that its in their nature to want it...guys are visual beings and can be aroused easily by the shape of a women's body or the way she moves and if his wife feels sexy and gives the slightest advance the guy is aroused, women sometimes fail to keep it going after they have had children and the husband is thrown to the back burner...So, thats one scenerio...Now you take a women...she has the kids all day and when her husband comes home from work she is so ready for adult company and conversation... her husband says he is tired and wants to lie down...he is in the habit of napping while she finishes dinner...he has gotten in a rut...he quits giving her attention that she needs like he use to give her without having to beg for it...she gets complimented at the local grocery or if she works, she gets hit on by a male colleague...soon the attention makes her give in to an affair... she too doesn't want to hurt the husband because he is a decent guy who works hard and she loves her kids and doesn't want to shake their world...but, women are more aroused by touch and tenderness and sweet conversation...So you have 2 different scenerios and so much unhappiness and guilt and things just go down hill from there...at the time they are looking to feel better but not seeing the outcome an affair brings...it comes crashing down...Sometimes it's the heart on fire and the mind can't think straight and many people get hurt...I don't think that a lot of people intend the hurt that it causes the other partner but it happens and its a mess...It all comes down to the lack of communication...partners quit talking and they guit being a unity like it was in the beginning when you talked and you loved everything about each other... It happens to good people that are not cheap or easy by nature...just lonely or feeling unwanted...and it happens to men and women..sometimes its just that and not always sleasy...Sleasy is when a man or woman sets out to be naughty...maybe she wants to take a man from someone because he has money and she has the good looks to play him....and then maybe he is a man with married men syndrome who likes to be stroked by lots of affairs to feel good yet keep his home life intact...Each affair is different, yet they are wrong by all means...But, they are about people and their lives and their unhappiness and so many different pesonalities are involved...and sometimes no matter how hard a person tries they cannot get what they need at home anymore so they get weak...maybe yes they should have communicated more...but what if they cant get that from their partner. And really, there are no guarantees for any of us...no matter how right you do it or how wrong...you just can't see it coming and it can happen to anyone...sometimes just because the flesh gets weak and sometimes because someone feels that life is greener on the other side...Its like everything in life...you have to have enough pride and morals to stand for something and get out if you are not happy...i asked my ex to tell me if he was not happy and to please not make a fool out of me by cheating...Not too many people can do that though and books will tell you that most people dont get up the nerve to leave their spouse until there is someone else to go to and/or when they get caught...Maybe most of the world just cant stand to be alone and they have to have a plan or they have to have that other person already in place so they can leave and not be consumed with loneliness...I have read alot about affairs and about married men syndrome and one case was an affair that went on for 25 years in secrecy and they both had spouse's and didn't want to hurt them or their children and when the man died, the woman couldn't go the man's funeral because it was all a big secret...its sad beyond measure...i've also read where a good women who had good morals and a pure heart got involved with a business man...and sometimes thats the one men go after because they are hard to get and it gives them a challenge and its sad sometimes that a man doesnt realize he needs a challenge to feel fullfilled...she falls in love with him and because he is a traveling man, she doesnt know he is married because he sees her often and takes her on trips and she has fallen head over heels. For months and months they are just like a normal couple and then she finds out he is married...by then her heart is involved so much its hard to find reason...she believes all his tales of a wife that doesnt live him and that he stays married because of a sickly child...he promises her everything and its hard to not be caught up in all the bliss he feeds her...after several years she gives him an ultimatum and he dumps her...he soon moves on to another traveling companion and she falls apart... its just plain sad that he used her and she couldnt see it and his life goes on as if he doesn't have a heart...And, one day the same man finds out his wife has been having an affair and he loses his mind...Talk about wanting your cake and eating it too and then it coming back leaving a bad taste in your mouth...I divorced a man who said he wasnt happy and didnt know what he wanted out of life after 2 kids and 16 years of marriage... and even then it was after he laid out till all hours of the night and yet he didn't have the guts to leave...he would miss at least 2 days a week at work and the finances became a mess...and he didn't act like he had a wife and kids...He was hateful and rude all the time and I finally decided that if we drove him that crazy that the kids and I didn't need to be there...Sometimes you just get tired...But, it hurt beyond measure even though I had to be the one to call it quits...i never understood his being miserable because i never was a crouch at him, never refused the wifely things and I took good care of the house and kids...when I look back I know I was too good to him and even though the sex was always good and was always there...he got swept up to the whims of the world when daylight came..and I stayed to try to keep a family foundation for my children... but sometimes you can't make certain pesonalities of people happy no matter what and that's just the reality of it...I have not yet remarried...but i have a great boyfriend of 8 years...we enjoy each others company, we have so much love for each other and we have great communication and life is truly good...I have a little fear of the marriage thing because in my mind it changes once you sign that piece of paper...but i am getting through that and i sometimes contribute our good relationship to the fact that we are friends first and that gives us respect for one another and that's why we can talk to each other about anything and we have made a promise to each other to always communicate...i dont expect him to read between the lines if im upset and he lets me be myself totally...It may help that we have both been hurt before and maybe sometimes you just have to get through the bad to find the good...Truly though...can you ever make sense of anyones failed relationships... there's just so many things and so much heartache and stubborness that some relationships are doomed anyway... and now...my ex wants me back because he is in church with a belief that he can never remarry because he has a living wife...it was never about me then and its not about me now...its still about him and that is sad because he brought it on himself....things do sometimes go full circle but i dont wish him to be alone...I just cant be his answer...I'm over him and I'm over the bitterness...Now, i can reflect on the fact that even after a failed marriage I had a good life and I've raised two wonderful children....i like myself and I am truly happy....the outcome is what matters...So whether you are the man or the woman who got cheated on...just remember....maybe its got to happen so you can get where you really need to be...OVER IT AND HAPPY
My spouse and I just had our 19th anniversary. Throughout our marriage I have felt strongly that he has not been faithful to me. By our first anniversary I had found him self satisfying while looking at porn. I was devistated but committed to our vows and we were expecting our first child. We went to counseling and were told that he was addicted to porn. We were told that it was an illness. I have gone to Sex and Love Addicts Annonymous meetings and counseling through the years to learn how to have a marriage with someone with this addiction. Though there has never been any problems, I've always felt extra responsibility where our children were concerned. My spouse says that he has been this way for so long that it won't ever change. I've always prayed that someday he would see and want to stop. He insists that the porn and fantasies are separate from our relationship. He says that he really prefers us together more than the other. I have lost interest in having intimate relations when I don't think he's with me anyway. It hasn't mattered if I'm young/old, thin/heavy, or dressed-up/dressed-down, he still has to have the porn. All of our marriage I've competed with his addiction for his affection. He's held fast to his belief that he has always been faithful to me because he's never had a physical relationship with anyone else in all these years. I have always believed that he couldn't be faithful to me if he was looking at, thinking of, and fantasizing about the women he saw in the porn. At the end of January 2007 he announced that he no longer wants to be married to me. I've had health and emotional issues over the past two years; he says it's just too hard to live with. Not to mention the emotional relationship he's fantasized himself into with a 22 yr old employee. I asked him directly in counseling if he was willing to give the porn up so that we could have a real relationship. The porn won. He insists that the porn and all had little or nothing to do with his decision. I guess one can justify it however one wants, fidelity or infidelity. All I know is that I've loved and been true to him every day of our marriage in all ways. I only have to be responsible for my own choices and decisions. I am actually looking forward to peace and no competition.
My spouse and I just had our 19th anniversary. Throughout our marriage I have felt strongly that he has not been faithful to me. By our first anniversary I had found him self satisfying while looking at porn. I was devistated but committed to our vows and we were expecting our first child. We went to counseling and were told that he was addicted to porn. We were told that it was an illness. I have gone to Sex and Love Addicts Annonymous meetings and counseling through the years to learn how to have a marriage with someone with this addiction. Though there has never been any problems, I've always felt extra responsibility where our children were concerned. My spouse says that he has been this way for so long that it won't ever change. I've always prayed that someday he would see and want to stop. He insists that the porn and fantasies are separate from our relationship. He says that he really prefers us together more than the other. I have lost interest in having intimate relations when I don't think he's with me anyway. It hasn't mattered if I'm young/old, thin/heavy, or dressed-up/dressed-down, he still has to have the porn. All of our marriage I've competed with his addiction for his affection. He's held fast to his belief that he has always been faithful to me because he's never had a physical relationship with anyone else in all these years. I have always believed that he couldn't be faithful to me if he was looking at, thinking of, and fantasizing about the women he saw in the porn. At the end of January 2007 he announced that he no longer wants to be married to me. I've had health and emotional issues over the past two years; he says it's just too hard to live with. Not to mention the emotional relationship he's fantasized himself into with a 22 yr old employee. I asked him directly in counseling if he was willing to give the porn up so that we could have a real relationship. The porn won. He insists that the porn and all had little or nothing to do with his decision. I guess one can justify it however one wants, fidelity or infidelity. All I know is that I've loved and been true to him every day of our marriage in all ways. I only have to be responsible for my own choices and decisions. I am actually looking forward to peace and no competition.
I have been married now 7 months to a man I dated for 7 years. My husband was diagnosed with Stomach Cancer in June and I have been having "secretive sex" now for over a month with an old boyfriend. Is it wrong .. probably but I have this huge need to feel wanted and not a caretaker.. while I never plan on telling my husband who was only given 3 years to live if we are lucky.. I feel .. and this maybe wrong but that I am not cheating ... taking something I need so I can give something my loved one needs and that is not me begging to make love anymore.
Never in my life have I read an account of behavior as sick and as reprehensible as that. I've been lonely for a very long time but after browsing through the comments posted here, I'm starting to believe I'm much better off alone.
I think I have read two sane replies to this blog post and I truly feel sorry for all but those two. I've been dating my current boy friend over a year. Two months into our relationship we started having sex, since then the sex has only gotten better. I have no complaints and wouldn't dare cheat and ruin our relationship. I believe that cheaters are not only ruining their lives, but also the lives of everyone else involved. Breaking up families and homes is not a thing to be proud of.
It is so easy for people to be judgemental towards those of us who have cheated. Of course it is not something that I am proud of. I have to live with the lies and deception everyday. I have been married for 25 years, have two children. I have a husband that as far as I know has no idea that I have been having an affair for 4 years. I never ever thought I would be unfaithful but I met someone who made me feel alive, someone who talks to me, someone who loves me, and the sex is great, too. My husband is detached, distracted, too busy with work travel, as well as his sports and hobbies. We grew apart for many reasons but one of the main reasons was difference in parenting styles. He is non-confrontational, does not like conflict and does not communicate. Even when son was arrested for possession of pot, he said nothing, not one word. No punishment. I grounded son, took away car privileges, father ignored my punishment, gave kid car keys. That is just one of many examples. There has been no intamacy between us in years. He never was that much into sex unless I initiated it. I do not know what will happen - I do not want to break up the family because I still have a teenager at home. I feel guilty because my husband is a good guy, very sweet good father, not a bad man, good provider but I am not in love with him anymore. Life is too short not to be happy. It is very complicated and as I said in the beginning it is very easy for people to be judgemental. I am not cheating to get ahead professionally although we did meet through work. It just happened because we were both in loveless marriages. I know it is wrong but I also know that I have to have some happiness in my life.
You're right. It's very easy for decent folks to form negative opinions of people whose behavior indicates a complete lack of integrity and moral values, and disturbingly unbridled narcissism. Grow up and file for divorce.
What if your wife has Alzheimers and has been in a home for a year??
Anonymous @ 12:53
Your vows for marriage included the phrase "In sickness and in health."
Adultery is a hot topic. Personally, I would never do it. Not because of the guilt, but because there is always a better solution than sneeking around behind someone's back to have a physical and/or emotional relationship with someone else. If the relationship you are currently in does not provide that, then leave that relationship.
It's more heartbreaking to find out that someone has deceived you and pretty much abused the love you gave them than it is to go through the heartbreak of being dumped/divorced.
When I learned of my husband's cheating on me five years ago, I was devastated. 27 years of marriage invalidated. I had always trusted him completely; now I don't trust him at all. He went on a business trip three days after I discovered his secret. I took a day off of work and changed my bank accounts because I am the salary earner in the family. I was afraid I'd come home the next pay day and find my direct deposit paycheck gone from the bank. I had always said I would never stay with anyone who cheated on me, but he has a progressive disease that will leave him in a wheelchair in as few as 3-5 years. There is no one else to take care of him; his disability benefits would never cover his expenses. So I am still with him. And I am faithful to him. I meant my vows even if he did not. But he has both my wedding bands in his possession; I wear no rings that are symbols of his broken vows. In fact I left them both unwearable by putting them through a vice in his workshop. The anger is gone; but so is the trust. Forever. Til death do us part.
On the other hand, the partner may never find out, and it's fun. There is another side to this issue.
After reading all these comments I feel sick I have been married 20 years to the man I adore, even though we hardly have sex I would never cheat on him you know we all have to stand before our maker one day and having affairs is not the right thing to do. Try harder with your marriage it beats divorce and destroying your family.
i was married for over 39 years to my late wife i was NEVER unfaithful to her,tho i had many chances to do so. as she laid in her casket, i was extremely glad that i had remained faithful
I was a deceived mate with few social skills. My mate had finished with the marriage. When I tried to rebuild my life, I encountered therapists who didn't understand my difficulties. I settled for a long relationship with a delightful widower but he wasn't very social. I stayed in it too long. Please don't laugh folks, now I'm 70 and finally ready for emotional intimacy and being a member of society. I know more than I used to but am still shy with men. Any suggestions welcome!
I have been married for almost 25 years, the past 10 have been difficult. My husband had become distant, traveled for business more often, started smoking pot, detached himself as often as possible. Meanwhile, I stayed fully devoted yet miserable.. We'd have sex only about 2 times a year, mostly bc he'd go to sleep sooo early and wake up real early and I'd go to bed later and wake up *regular* time.
Well it happened when I wasn't looking. We had a young man staying with us on weekends, sort of as his host family. My husband would go to sleep and the young man and I would stay up laughing and talking. One day I looked at him and saw a MAN, not a young man and I was falling in love. It was the same for him, and what I suppose started as an emotional affair slowly turned into a physical affair.
My husband is still clueless. The boyfriend is overseas on business for about 9 more months and we still keep in touch. I send him packages, we flirt, he writes emails to ME and snail mail to my family etc. What I have yet to mention is he is the same age as my oldest daughter. I know it sounds crazy, but somehow we fell in love/like.
As fate would have it, I noticed lots of odd charges on our bank acct for the past few months and after investigating found them to be charges to porn chat rooms, video chats and such. I confronted husband and first he denied it but when he knew i knew, fessed up to talking to a young girl in russia and *IT's NOT WHAT YOU THINK!*. how does he know what i think?
We have drifted apart no doubt. Can this marriage be saved? I don't know. I was really mad at him more for wasting OUR funds on his indescretions than for chatting. I mentioned the D word, he says what's the rush? He's perfectly happy... He has a great weight lifted off his shoulders since it's out in the open, or so he says. I am the biggest hypocrite, involved with my guy. But what he doesn't know won't hurt him. This is a crazy situation to find myself in. I still love my spouse, but not in the marital way. Can WE get it back or should we just move on, changing the lives of our 3 children forever? How did life get so complicated?
How this "STUFF" get started in the first place? Morals? Values? You've GOT to be kidding me! It's ALL because of the MEDIA---mags...-TV....the Internet...We are DESTROYING OURSELVES!-Anonymous
Why should anyone be so shocked? Cheaters have all the excuses. Cheaters don't want anyone to judge them. It is not their fault! It's their partners fault they "fell out of love" and "loveless marrige". I have come to find out that while the person that cheats can justify to themselves "why", and might even find a support system among other cheaters, or the person that their having sex with.The truth is it is all about them! It is not about their partners problems it is about their weakness. When I discovered that my husband was with another woman I was devastated. I loved him,and just like the spouses mentioned in the artical I had no idea. I felt raped by him and the woman he slept with. I couldn't wash enough.Unfortunately he never stopped having sex with me. I had nightmares of both of them chasing & stabbing me. I thought that it was because I had given him 4 children and my body wasn't the same. I thought its because I was lacking somehow. Funny thing happened though. After giving 120% for 15years, and thinking that I was worthless. I found out that I was smart, very capable, and very desirable. I have a wonderful life without the cheater. I have a new marriage now almost 4 years,a man that loves my body, a new baby, a great career, a new home, and the love and respect of my children. He is still misrable. Now he can't cheat on me so he gets to cheat on his girlfriend, and I am now what he loved and lost. So no matter how much he blamed me for his affair, my happy life now proves who had the problem. So all you cheaters out there find some strength to take resposibilty for the hurt and pain you are causing your innocent spouse, because they are proably better off without you. You need them more then they need you, they just don't know it yet. My ex thought I couldn't live without him, and so did I. So I greived the loss of my marriage I held on to my children and weathered their pain too. Once the horrible gut renching pain subsided a little I realized that the choice was mine. The pain and suffering my ex inflicted didn't need to be repeated, and it was my decision to get him out of my life. He has said to me not too long ago that if I had only "been like this" when we were together he never would have strayed. My reply was I could never have "been like this" when we were together. His selfish self serving behavior would never allow it. I would like to know whats wrong with his girlfriend that he has to cheat on her. After all she was his answer to his unhappiness with me. By the way for all those cheaters that said "life is too short" they are right. Life is too short to be with someone with no self control, someone selfish that only cares about their own happiness. I am sure that the pain that a cheater causes to their spouse is one of the worst form of abuse there really isn't any good excuse for it.I firmly believe that god is keeping score and everyone will answer to him at one point or another.
I have been reading all these posts with a mixture of sadness, anger and incredulousness. My wife and I have been married 25 years. She was the first woman I dated and the first woman with whom I made love. During these 25 years we have had many ups and downs, some very serious.
Nowhere in these posts have I read about having faith in your partner, forgiveness, commitment and love - at least not all of them together. When we married, it was with the intention of remaining married, and honoring the vows we made to each other. We have always agreed that NO MATTER WHAT, the other person would be there for us. Forgiveness of faults and mistakes is crucial to our relationship, as is love and respect. At the worst of times, when we have been emotionally separated and empty, neither of us has even considered sex with another person - we promised each other that we would be faithful, respect one another, and honor one another - and maintain our personal integrity in order that we both be true to our commitment.
We have had struggles with alcohol and drugs, emotional isolation and loneliness within this relationship - but the commitment to one another always pulled us through even the worst of times. Sex has always been an important part of our relationship, but only as a physical expression of our emotional commitment.
We have now come to a point in our lives at which, due to medical reasons, we will no longer be able to have a sexual relationship. While we will miss that aspect of our life together, we give it up gladly to continue to share the love and life we have built together, and to continue to be there for each other.
The perspective that mortality imposes is truly profound. If sex is more important than an emotionally satisfying, loving relationship, you are clearly in the wrong relationship regardless of the quality of your sex life
This is more of a question than comment. What would you people say about a couple that has been in a monogamous heterosexual relationship for just under a year, and all of a sudden the female finds evidence that the man is communicating sexually with another male? No previous signs of bisexualism or same sex fantasies. Our sex life, in my eyes is wonderful, and according to him it is too. We enjoy sex almost daily. I have even found evidence that directly after having sex with me, he emailed this guy about having sex with him. Any suggestions???
It is absolutely exhausting to try and slog through all the badly spelled words, malapropisms, and bizarre punctuation some of your people put out there in the arena of 'free expression'. If you want to get your ideas across, try proofreading before hitting send!
my husband stopped paying attention to me, then i stopped caring about him over many years. then some guy is actually interested in my views and we have conversations and become friends. then friends with benefits, then lovers. that's how it happens.
husband is so stuck in his own butt, doesn't see whats going on right under his nose in his own house. my lover/friend is a friend to the whole family and here all the time unless away on business. maybe if he paid attention i wouldnt be in this situation.
Everything I read says something about the wife/husband and their feelings during and after an affair. What about the person they had the affair with? What does that person do when the cheating wife/husband ends the affair...especially after 10 years of secrecy and being told you are truly loved by the cheating husband/wife...and even after 10 years you are still madly in love with the cheating wife/husband. How does the victim deal with this type of breakup? Since all of this was secretive, there is no outside support to help you through it. How long does it take to get over this type of breakup? NOTE: It was the cheating wife/husband that sought and reached out to someone outside the marriage, made a connection and enjoyed the best sex ever. Kind of like Prince Charles and Camilla. How long would that have continued if there was no tragic ending that brought them together?
I've read quite a few of the comments, and most were good. Liars and cheaters will hurt themselves in the long run. Cheating on the culprit in order to "get back" is not a remedy. You will only degrade yourself. Just get out of the relationship before it's too late.
I have advice for ALL of us...I am also the victim of someone who needs me more than I need him. He has been involved in calling sex hot lines (which are not done for FREE)...he has problems with money and has custody of two children he is not even SURE are his. He begs me to come back and I THOUGHT I loved him. I now see that it is a totally destructive relationship. He will suck me in and swallow me up (emotionally, financially, mentally and ultimately--physically). It is our duty to ourselves, whether male or female, to care MORE about ourselves than another person....I feel for those with children involved, but we are not doing THEM any justice whatsoever either, to stay in a "totally draining-nothing-in-it-for-ME" relationship. I cannot find any selfishness in that statement. We are only as good to OTHERS as we are to OURSELVES in the first place...so if we are stuck in a fruitless situation,,,,,get OUT...run as fast as you can...even the children will be happier. Did you ever notice that unhappiness can be a legacy we pass on to them? Wake up...get out of anything that is bad...even those of you who are stuck because it is not financially advantageous to leave. You might as well be in PRISON anyway! You only go around once...LIVE...find happiness--it IS out there.
to the woman who has determined that her husband has been having sex with another man, I suggest two courses of action: (1)see a doctor IMMEDIATELY & determine if you have any STD'S. (2)
confront your husband with the info you have, & act accordingly
I was cheated by a man that I thought was my world. He took very good care of me & my daughter, until his class reunion came around & he hooked up with an old girlfriend. I stayed in the marraige because I thought I could make it work. I was in counciling two times a week & feeling like crap about myself. When he came to me & told me she was pregant, I still stayed until the baby was born. He promised that he would bring the baby home during his visits but of course he did not. So I filled for a divorce. We have been divorced for 1yr & 3months. To this day he tells me that if he could take me back that he would, to be a family with his son. The damage that he has done is terrible. He does not realize the hurt that he has caused not only me but my daughter who loved him very much. Anyone who cheats is asking for what they get and they deserve waht they get.
I do not know why I cheat. I have had 2 affairs before this current one but at least, the 3rd makes me feel very loved. Reflecting on the 2 past affairs, they just died cos I was posted elsewhere. The feeling has slowly died but I am sure we will rekindle and have some good sex if we meet up. As for the current one, I am quite in love. I ahve even thought of leaving my family...I hate it when I dont get the sms on the phone over weekends , when I do not get a call. I may no longer be so hot with my SO but with my new love...WOW!!!So what's wrong? I really do not know why and I loathe this behavious as I do not think this is norm and such secret love can kill the soul.Has anyone an answer?
I caught my husband of thirty years in my bed with a low class dope smoking skank. He is a well repected MD. She pulled a gun out of her purse, in my house after hiding all night behind my coutch. I am a RN. She never graduated from high school. My husband moved into her single wide trailor from hour fifteen acred house ranch. We are still married, he refuses to settle. They are currently in the Bahamas vacationing. He refuses to divide our property. I worked the entire marriage. He took out a substantial insurance policy on me after I caught them. I have recently hired my third lawyer. There is no justice for women in the US. The men with the most money making ability gets to keep everything. Regardless of the horrible pain and emotional baggage I am left with forever, I just want my half of our estate. I am about ready to give up. I have done all the recomended things. PI. best attorney. stay away from him. All I have is a broken heart and a sad story to tell. At age 55, I have to start over.
What do you do when you want to divorce and other partner will not agree to it? Reasons for adultery are many as mentioned on all these comments. You need to move on and the other person is not allowing it, nor wants therapy. The partner not allowing the divorce feels they are "stuck" with the hurt of infidelity, like when you have a cronic pain that nothing cures it. Then what?
Wow!! There's a lot of deep emotion in this line of chatter. I've been married for 11 years. My husband has never managed to consummate the deal. After about 17 months of being pushed away, I started looking elsewhere. Eventually, I met a wonderful man and fell in love. I don't consider it cheating as there was never anything to cheat on, we're only married on paper. I haven't gotten a divorce because I can't make myself say the words. It's a cross between being raised to be a good girl/wife and not hurting my husband, even though he hurts me every day . . not physically, but emotionally. I'm stronger than he is and do not wish to take advantage of that.
The one thing I learned from cheating is that NO ONE knows what goes on behind closed doors. Yes, some people cheat because they are sexual gluttons, but some people are just lonely and hurt and need to feel loved and lovable again and it has nothing to do with wanting to hurt one's spouse or anyone else. You can't categorize all affairs the same way. I think there are as many reasons as there are affairs. You also can't expect a person to stay faithful in a marriage without sex. I've chatted on-line with many men who've cheated on their wives. I'm not sure how many are telling the truth or not, but a major theme has been that their wives no longer are sexual with them. Please, ladies, don't shut your men out. And also, please don't be so quick to judge situations you aren't involved in. Sometimes things are not as they seem.
WITH ALL THIS SAID I WANT TO TELL YOU A STORY ABOUT ME. I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR THE PAST TWO YRS, I HAVE KNOWN MY HUSBAND FOR 8YRS. HE HAS CHEATED ON ME TWICE, I HAVE ALWAYS TOLD MYSELF THAT I WILL NOT STAND BY A MAN THAT CHEATS! I HAVE LIED TO MYSELF. EACH TIME I HAD A FEELING AND WE WOMEN DO HAVE A SIXTH SENCE IT CAME TRUE! I WAS HURT, UNWANTED, UNAPPRECIATED AND EVERYTHING THAT FOLLOWS. HE IS THAT TYPE OF INDIVIDUAL THAT LIKES TO CARE FOR HIMSELF, AND I COULD SAY HE IS SELFISH IN EVERY SENCE WHEN IT COMES TO HIM, EVEN SEX. IN THE BEGINING OF OUR RELATIONSHIP HE ALWAYS ADORED, COMPLIMENTED, AND EXPRESSED INTEREST IN ME. THAT IS DONE FOR THE PAST SEVEN YEARS. I HAVE STOOD BY HIM BECAUSE OF HIS BIG HEART, INTELIGENCE, OPEN MINDNESS, FUTURE,AND HIS CONDITION OF BI-POLAR. I HAVE GIVEN HIM EVERYTHING HE COULD POSIBILY HAVE HOME, CAR, FRESH MEALS EVERYDAY, NURTURE, SEX AND LOVE HE HAD IT ALL WHAT WAS HIS EXCUSE TO CHEAT HE NEVER JUSTIFIED THAT. HE IS IN THE HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW AND I AM JUST FED UP WITH HIS CHEATING, I DID HAVE THOUGHTS TO DO THE SAME BUT I JUST CANT BRING MYSELF OF DOING SO. I DONT WANT TO LEAVE HIM BECAUSE I DO HAVE AN 8 YRS OLD GIRL AT HOME. I THOUGHT THE AGE AND ME NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM MADE HIM CHEAT. LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK.
i have been with my husband for 1o years. at frist it was great but after my frist miscarragie, i cheated. i almost lost my husband. i was upset and we worked everything out. but then it happened agian,i lost anouther baby. and now im cheating agian and he dont know. the bad thing is it is with i his best friend. and the frist time was with a friend of his. i dont feel bad for it, ijust want more. does any one have any ideas of hope for me. because i really dont want to lose my man. hes 42 and im 28 does that make a differance?
I truly believe people confuse SEX with love. If your relationship started out as a sexual thing then that's how it will be forever! There's no love in sexual attraction just sex. And you don't have to have sex to show love.
If you're married, your marriage should go deeper than just "on paper" as one person put it. There are ways to reconnect but if you give up by forsaking your marriage then you're the loser not your partner. And if you feel like I'm judging you right now please realize that I'm not but I do not agree with your lifestyle. Feeling judged is you allowing yourself to feel guilty for what you did.
To old bromide and everyone else.
I have to agree that a relationship is about trust and forgiveness and love. Even when the worst happens, it all comes down to those things.
A few months ago, I learned that my husband was cheating. The affair lasted only about a month, but he was ready to leave me and our children. Ready to skip out on almost 10 years of our life together.
When he came home, he was scared. He was coming back to me, but was sure that I would kick him out. I'd always said that I would. But I couldn't do it. We struggled through about a week, trying to trust on my part, and trying to make it up on his part.
Then the day came when he came home from work, and packed his stuff to move out. I helped. I let him go. I told him that I would be here, but I helped.
Two days later, he called asking if he could come home. I said yes.
That was 8 months ago. And through counseling and much prayer, we have a stronger marriage now than we've ever had in the past. The trust isn't back to 100% yet, but it's much better. And through listening to each-others emotional and physical needs, we're finally beinging to build a relationship that is more than just living together...it's compassion, passion and real love.
As the hurt person in the situation, I hurt very badly at times-blaming myself for not giving him what he required. But it's a two-way street. While I didn't cheat, I realize now that I have needs that weren't being met-or even addressed!
The only way to avoid situations such as this is to be completely open and honest with your partner. In every matter....no matter how big or how small; a need is a need and should be met.
So, in some really messed-up way, I am thankful for what happened, because it's brought us closer than ever before.
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Having experianced this in our marrage I would say that the article was very acurate. It did take at least a year before the healing could even begin to start. There is still quite a bit of not wanting to trust but its getts better ever so slowly with time.
IM MESSING AROUND WITH A MARRIED MAN. I THNKS HIS WIFE KNOWS SHE FOUND SOME OF MY PICS ON HIS COMPUTER. IM NOT GOING TO STOP THE AFFAIR NEITHER IS HE.
I have read all the comments on this subject and would like to give my point of veiw.
My ex-wife and I had known each other for 10 years before we decided to marry. There were some finacial issues and location issue since I lived in Colorado and she lived in Illinois. I ended up moving to Illinois and it was my choice to do so. Almost from the beginning, we had problems with trust and intimacy. I predominately initiated sex and as newlyweds(we never lived together)I thought that we should be more involved with each other as opposed to our families. My wife was very devoted to her mother and her daughter and I wanted to spend more time with my new wife. She began to withdraw and I isolated myself with work. We searched for solutions to our problems. I entered individual therapy and she and I were counseled by our pastor. But she still seem to have her " love bucket " filled by her family and I was more or less left to fend for myself. Weeks then months were going by without affection, intimacy or sex. I compensed by masturbating since whenever I approached her, I was turned down or was told that we could do it be she wouldn't be into it. Before our marriage, there was no problem in the sexual arena. It finally became to much for me and had a breif affair. It was wrong qand was not what I wanted for our relationship. We separated fro a year and worked on our issues. We spoke and decided we would try it once more, but nothing really changed. She would leave the room when I entered. She would no longer respond to words of love and endearment. We barely said two words to each other in the course of a week and the weekends would come and she stayed in the bedroom watching westerns most of the day. Then we would go to church together and she would spend Sunday with her mother and daughter and did not come home until about 8:00 or 9:00 in the evening. We were doing Friday Date nights and trying new places to eat and seeing movies we agreed upon. Soon that even stopped. I suggested that we try to meet with our pastor again but she refused. We tried to talk things over and get to the bottom of the issue without sucess. There was no love trust or respect in our marriage by this time. My ex-wife had said she forgave me but it was apparent she did not. I was not getting what I needed from the marriage and she was getting her needs met with her family. Ergo, I had an another affair. Is what I did the right thing to do? No. Do I feel justified? No, I don't. This has destroy me and my life.
the bottom line is men need physical intimacy to feel love and women need emotional intimacy. Oftentimes in a marriage the husband thinks all is well as long as there is regular sex, while the wife is miserable and just going through the motions.
It's unfortunate but it happens all the time. Men get lazy and quit communicating, women get lazy and quit trying to be sexy. When we are trying to attract a mate we are sexy, clever, cute, and charming. But too often once we are settled in we just think the marriage will take care of itself.
Everyone needs excitement. The problem is a lack of communication. That and this bizarre notion of being faithful to a "vow" taken in our youth.
I lost my virginity to my boyfriend when I was 15. A few monthes later he cheated on me. To this day I still sabotage every relationship I am in. I start to get worried around the 8 or 9 month mark that I am giving the person too much of myself. Too much power to hurt me with things like cheating. All of my relationships fail, in part, to my first sexual relationship ending in cheating. He didn't just hurt me once. He hurts me everytime I cause a relationship to end.
I cannot believe that I am in the predicament I am in.... I have had nightmares about my husband cheating on me.... The dreams have been so real that I actually feel extreme anger towards him in the morning... In the dream I see myself reacting to finding out about the cheating and wake feeling TOTAL devastation... I have had at least 10 of these types of dreams in the 13 years of marriage.... The first 5 years of marriage were very tough. But I was commited to my marriage.... In the 6th year we discovered that my husband had ADHD and that releived some of the Pain and feelings of abuse..... And yet I was still committed..... I was able to love him for a long time knowing that it wasn't his fault... he is "handicapped" I wouldn't want him to stop loving me if I suddenly became hadicapped.... And so..... I was committed to this marriage..... My mother was divored a number of times which is why I am sooooo committed.... We now have 4 children and I love them more than you could ever know... And so I am committed..... HOWEVER.............. somehow I have changed.... I can longer hang onto "it is not his fault (cause he is "handicapped")We haven't been intimate in almost a year and I DO NOT need sex from anyone.... I have "shut down" for at least the past 3 years. I have told him that if things don't change I will have to leave.... I have slowly been loosing my care or even concern for him in the last year at least.... And recently we have discovered that he actually has narcissism and not ADHD..... Which as far as I can tell there is no real treatment for... he is very much a "child" and has NO real responsibilities... I take care of darn near EVERYTHING. Bills, paperwork, house, children, etc....I actually worry if he could make it in the world without someone taking care of him... I have stayed at home for the last 10 years to raise our children but economic times have forced me back into the work field... In just the last 2 months I have become closer with a male coworker/friend that very much has the same kind of marriage that I have.... In trying to support eachother we hav