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Secretive Sex Outside a Committed Relationship
This may seem like a complicated way to title a post. But, it is the way that I view it. There are committed relationships - married and unmarried - in which sex with someone other than one's partner is OK. I'm not thinking about that kind of sex today. I'm thinking about the secret kind - the kind people often call "affairs" or "cheating."
Right now I have five heterosexual couples and one gay male couple in my therapy practice in which secretive sex has occurred. These couples all share the similarity of the male having gone outside the relationship (though I have had many couples in which it's been the female and in other same-sex couples in which a female has strayed). These current couples are all married, except two. The gay male couple didn't take advantage of the brief time period when San Francisco was granting marriage licenses. And one of the heterosexual couples has lived together for more than a year. All but two involved sex with one or more females. The other two couples (one of these, the gay male couple) involved sexual activity with a male.
I want to describe some of what people go through when someone in a relationship has sexual contact with someone other than his or her committed romantic partner. It's a complicated topic; many books have been written about it. I'd like to add some of my thoughts about it from working in the trenches with people who are trying to put their relationship back together once the sex is no longer a secret. The fact that they are in therapy is a statement that they would both like to work it out. Some couples don't make it that far.
Each of these relationships also had issues running that hadn't really been acknowledged. Things like: untreated alcoholism, a sense of being insignificant, unexplored curiosity about sex with a man, imbalances in the areas of work, contributions and earnings, and difficulties managing anger.
The couples I'm currently seeing had another thing in common. None of the women really saw it coming. They were rather surprised when they happened to come across information, such as email or cell phone bills, that struck them as odd.
All report feeling like someone hit them with a two by four when they discovered their mate's sexual activities. Their ability to trust was reduced to almost none. One, in particular, began asking her mate to account for his time at all times. It wound up being very difficult for them because he was put into the predicament of lying when he tried to create a surprise trip for her birthday and a special treat on their anniversary. She is now facing choosing between surprises (which she really enjoys) and having her moment-by-moment knowledge of his whereabouts -- because he just doesn't want to lie to her anymore. I suspect she'll let go of surprises because she can't stand not knowing exactly where he is.
Another couple is wrangling with the issue that there will likely be an intersection between their lives and that of a secretive sex partner of his out in the community. Another has already run into that issue. There can be repercussions related to the work environment and one couple is coping with that.
These men generally do not want to discuss the details of their sex outside the relationship. Yet, almost uniformly their mates definitely want to know. Getting this information seems to help them feel less insecure, even though the details of the secretive sex contain information that hurts to learn.
In seeking this information, the betrayed are often trying to remedy the shock aspect of the situation. They attempt to piece together the signs that could have told them that this was coming or that it was even a possibility. They start explaining to themselves how this happened and often re-examine ambiguous situations looking for useful clues. Sometimes they think, "How could I have been so stupid?!"
In my experience, it takes an entire year for most couples to sense true progress after secretive sex has come to light. The partner who discovers it seems to need to go through all the seasons, all the holidays, and live through the anniversary date of the discovery - before it feels remotely safe to begin to trust again.
Related Topics: Technorati Tags: sex, infidelity, cheating, affairs, sexual health
Right now I have five heterosexual couples and one gay male couple in my therapy practice in which secretive sex has occurred. These couples all share the similarity of the male having gone outside the relationship (though I have had many couples in which it's been the female and in other same-sex couples in which a female has strayed). These current couples are all married, except two. The gay male couple didn't take advantage of the brief time period when San Francisco was granting marriage licenses. And one of the heterosexual couples has lived together for more than a year. All but two involved sex with one or more females. The other two couples (one of these, the gay male couple) involved sexual activity with a male.
I want to describe some of what people go through when someone in a relationship has sexual contact with someone other than his or her committed romantic partner. It's a complicated topic; many books have been written about it. I'd like to add some of my thoughts about it from working in the trenches with people who are trying to put their relationship back together once the sex is no longer a secret. The fact that they are in therapy is a statement that they would both like to work it out. Some couples don't make it that far.
Each of these relationships also had issues running that hadn't really been acknowledged. Things like: untreated alcoholism, a sense of being insignificant, unexplored curiosity about sex with a man, imbalances in the areas of work, contributions and earnings, and difficulties managing anger.
The couples I'm currently seeing had another thing in common. None of the women really saw it coming. They were rather surprised when they happened to come across information, such as email or cell phone bills, that struck them as odd.
All report feeling like someone hit them with a two by four when they discovered their mate's sexual activities. Their ability to trust was reduced to almost none. One, in particular, began asking her mate to account for his time at all times. It wound up being very difficult for them because he was put into the predicament of lying when he tried to create a surprise trip for her birthday and a special treat on their anniversary. She is now facing choosing between surprises (which she really enjoys) and having her moment-by-moment knowledge of his whereabouts -- because he just doesn't want to lie to her anymore. I suspect she'll let go of surprises because she can't stand not knowing exactly where he is.
Another couple is wrangling with the issue that there will likely be an intersection between their lives and that of a secretive sex partner of his out in the community. Another has already run into that issue. There can be repercussions related to the work environment and one couple is coping with that.
These men generally do not want to discuss the details of their sex outside the relationship. Yet, almost uniformly their mates definitely want to know. Getting this information seems to help them feel less insecure, even though the details of the secretive sex contain information that hurts to learn.
In seeking this information, the betrayed are often trying to remedy the shock aspect of the situation. They attempt to piece together the signs that could have told them that this was coming or that it was even a possibility. They start explaining to themselves how this happened and often re-examine ambiguous situations looking for useful clues. Sometimes they think, "How could I have been so stupid?!"
In my experience, it takes an entire year for most couples to sense true progress after secretive sex has come to light. The partner who discovers it seems to need to go through all the seasons, all the holidays, and live through the anniversary date of the discovery - before it feels remotely safe to begin to trust again.
Related Topics: Technorati Tags: sex, infidelity, cheating, affairs, sexual health
211 Comments:
and even worst than a sexual cheat is the emotional affair. my husband and i went thru this for the past 3 years. we have been married for 21 years and this affair darn cost him the marriage.
If my husband ever cheated on my I would NEVER take him back, I wouldn't even think about therapy. If he disrespected me that way then I could never trust him again.
I’ve found this commentary quite informative as I know personally of one situation where the partner is drained and feels that ‘they’ can no longer coup. In their case it is not an affair, just that the aim of the relationship seemly has expired and sex is just a matter of obligation. After ten years of living together what can this relationship attempt to resuscitate its heartbeat, when one wants out cause all effort made go on unappreciated, all financial strain is on the weaker vessel, and the stronger comments ‘you can never leave me!” You review on this situation would be greatly appreciative
I found out my SO was perusing and downloading pornography. He of course had no idea how that stuff got on his computer which of course was a line of bull. I told him that I would cheat with a live person if I ever discovered that he was using the internet for smut. Well, I did and never felt any guilt. If he thinks he is being sneaky well guess what, think again, hehehe.
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I think the person who was cheated
on needs to consider why the SO cheated, if that person was not
fullfillng the other persons needs
sexually, then it tends to make it
easier for the infidelity to occur.
erruThere is another twist which hasn't been mentioned. Years after the affair occured, HE accused me of having one. There was absolutly no validity to the accusation but he continued to pursue the idea. I have found logs of my activities and whereabouts, pictures of crazy items he thinks are related and then the icing on the cake, sperm tests on my underware. He became absolutly convienced that it was from some one else! "No, slick, no wonder you never made detective. You need DNA not fertility, IDIOT"! He has done things I never did when I knew he was having an affair. Twenty four years after the affair when it should be gone and forgotten we are still battling it in another form and are very much at odds with his crazy jealous actions. I can honestly say that it well may be the end of our marriage.
I have been married for 15-1/2 years and over that time period my marriage has been ok. No real good times to speak of. About 8 months ago we started swinging and it was the best thing that every happened to my marriage and me. It actually made me turned on to my husband and I enjoyed him for the first time. He wasn't as much in to it and basically held me back. By him doing that I made the mistake of doing it without his knowledge. I felt justified in doing it because he wouldn't participate with me. Now he has found out about it and has stopped it all together. I had gotten out of control but now I am really finding it hard to go back to a lifestyle of just being with him and being excited about it. I'm afraid I'll never be able to be the person he wants me to be and I'll never be able to find that sexual happiness again. I don't know what to do. I want to stay married to my husband but the spark is gone that the swinging gave me. I see my sex life now as dull and just normal. I need help and I don't know where to turn to get it. I don't know how to get over this feeling of loss and anger towards him for taking this away from me. I was addicted to the lifestyle and I don't know how to get over that. I can't talk to him about it because he just doesn't understand. He wants to be with me and only me and I don't feel the same way. If you've never tried the lifestyle you won't understand either. There are no relationships just couples getting together from time to time to share a little adult fun and excitement. It in no way affects the feelings I have for my husband. They are totally separate. I'm lost and don't know where to turn for help.
I dont mean to be anyones moral judge. Your mother should have taught that. It seems today that the Sexual Affairs are becoming more financially motivated than just for sex. In all the years that I have worked in companies, I have found that the other woman is just 2 cents short of a prostitute. Their goals are everending persuits of happiness through the downfall of someone elses losses and their families loss. I have met numerous women in my years of employment that use their pants rather than their abilities to get ahead. They are nothing short of a bank robber when they risk it all, childrens losing their fathers, wifes losing their partners and their hard earned assets to a hooker putting it out there to steel if from the hard working supporting wife. Not to mention how they put the hard working co-worker to the side so he/she can stomp over them with their stalettos. Its time someone speaks up in the name of Morals and for the sake of the family
Cheaters its time to analize your selves and quit blaming the partner for your short falls.
I was married for 18 years. Four boys, really nice house and two business'. My wife announced that she was seeing somebody and that was that. Asked me to move out, but still wants me to provide for all of her expensive habits. Who knows, I may even be providing for her boyfriend at this point. Affairs are like cancer, they kill.
Its not right to "cheat", but I dont think humans are "hardwired" to be with one person.
*Sigh*
Cheating, & lies(cause that's what it leads to)...hurting someone like 'THAT' is absolutely direful! I hate that excuse..well he or she cheated because they weren't sexually satisified at home or blah, blah, blah...THEN LEAVE that person before you hurt them worst and CHEAT!..Because of selfish reasons. At least leaving them first and being honest cuts the pain in half. I remember how I felt when one night I felt something in my gut..something wrong! My SO was expecting my call after my long day at work, I told him I'd call when I'd get off. I called finally happy to finish the day and then to get to hear his voice..BUT something was real wrong..he wasn't answering. Tried for about an hour no answer. It was after midnight and my gut was burning..I drove to his place and I got in to his complex(hard to do)got to his loft and before I knocked I listened through the door(the door is a industrial like door, hallow and easy to hear thru), cause all was dark inside..AND I swear to this day I heard a girl moaning(pretty intense sounding) MY BLOOD almost drained from the bottom of my feet! I knocked right away and then listened again..the moaning stopped. I knocked and knocked and knockey..no answer. I then call from my cell. I could hear his phone ringing. But no answer either. I had tears in my eyes, anger in my whole body..or I think hurt! I sat there outside for nearly an hour to wait. I listened again thru the door and I could hear slight whispers(mind you this is open loft in the inside very echoey, no bedrooms. AND no other doors but the front one!) Something in me wanted to wait til dawn, I knew obliviously he had someone in there..but my heart just took my home instead. It was what it was..looked like crap, smelled like it...HAD to be it! You know. I finally talked to him the next day..of course he sound very distant!! I told him I was knocking at his door and calling, all he said was he crashed out, fell deep asleep! Yeah right!!! Shortly after about a week and half later needless to say he left me. GEE I wonder why?? I have never done anything like that..gone to someones home uninvited but my gut was telling something was not right! AND I'm glad I went albeit I didn't see it with my own eyes but I probably saved me from some more of his 'to come lies' and more of my wasted time invested. SECRETIVE SEX Outside a COMMITTED Relationship is the worst kind of treachery!!! And I think of all the worst stories out there..like catching them in the act, in your bed!! My God..I can't imagine.. but if I had a key to his place at that time I most likely would have been in that position!
Cheating is cheating is cheating. No matter what form it is in. If you are married sex should be between you and your spouse only. Someone always ends up hurt and a lot of the times it's the children that suffer the most (when children are involved). Oh, and just a footnote here - if you have ever been cheated on you are not "paying anyone back" by cheating on them. All you are doing is degrading yourself and pulling yourself down to their immoral level. No wonder STD's are so prevalent and widespread. No one knows how to practice self-control anymore. No one thinks about the diseases they could be giving to their partner. Cheating is the epitomy of selfishness and just should not be done. Leave first, but don't put someone whom you say you love and care for at risk. Even if you use the excuse that you used a condom, there are still diseases (HPV, herpes, genital warts, etc.) that can be spread. Leave marriage the way God intended it to be - between one man and one woman.
I have been married for over 20 years and have 2 boys, 12 and 16 years old. My wife and I dated for 2 years and we seemed compatible in every way. As soon as we married she basically stopped being intimate with me. There were times that 6 to 9 months would pass before she would allow me to touch her. At the age of 39 I had had enough and went to the Doctor to be chemically castrated. He would have none of this and tried to get me to go see a therapist. Unfortuneatly I didn't go. I found out when i was 42 that my wife was having an affair with a co-worker. I totally lost it. About 3 minutes after I found out I passed out. The next night after dinner I threw up. I don't remember much of the next 18 months. Medication for clinical depression and anxiety made me a zombie. My therapist said it was so devastating because I had convinced myself if I did everything at home and allow her to come home and relax everything would be okay. Well that's just what she did. She came home around 6 every afternoon, played games on the computer and drank winecoolers while I cooked, cleaned, washed clothes, and did homework with the boys. If it got done at home I did it. She was too busy lying on her back taking care of her boyfriend to do anything for the family. She's still here, says she doesn't want to leave. She still takes birth control pills even though it's been over 3 years since we have had sex. She says they help regulate her cycle. So women can be snakes too!
I'm currently in a "physical" relationship - and have been for almost five years. We are both married but neither one of us are happy with our marriages. My husband has no idea that I'm seeing another man, let alone for over four years. He's clueless. I have no desire to ever have any intimacy with my husband again. The man I'm involved with has the same kind of relationship with his spouse - dull and unexciting and that too, lacking intimacy. I have no shame or guilt over my "other man" in my life - he excites me, makes me feel loved and wanted. Maybe someday we'll find ourselves together, but until then, I'm perfectly content with what I have. Maybe it's time for all spouses to "wake up and feel the coffee"...take a good long hard look at what you share with your spouse. Not what you're looking for? Then do something about it - life is too short.
I am now married to the man that I "cheated" with when married to my former husband. There are reasons that people in committed relationships engage in extra-relational sex. Unless they're sociopaths or narcissists and that's not the topic under discussion.
One thing I'd mention in this morass of confession and pain is that so-called cheating is not always a cry for attention to the primary relationship but rather a cry for an end to the primary relationship. And couples therapy often - in its infinite variety of models - is a painful exercise in futility.
When a man or woman must account for his/her whereabouts 100% of the time, or sit still and endure daily verbal lashings and anger, or be willing to expose the other relationship to the relentless insecure questioning of the spouse/partner/whatever, the primary relationship is essentially over, unless the wounding partner is willing to give up their 'balls' or 'vaginas' to the wounded
partner. This is not an easy to thing to do, for anyone. Sometimes, the motives for trying to keep going are as 'impure' as the 'other' relationship: fear, guilt, money.
I think stating that you want to end your primary relationship prior to an affair is a more honest approach - also unrealistic, as our security and dependency needs tend to overcome our need to be honest thoughtful human beings.
In the sudden shock and trauma of discovery, people can't find a direction that doesn't cause pain and the initial impulse is both 'throw the bum out' AND 'save the marriage. Very difficult to live that way. Growth and change are painful and costly. Moving on may well be part of the picture.
Signed,
a therapist
i have been in a secretive sex relationship for more than 3 years.my husband doesn't even thinks i can cheat on him, we are not married but we've been toghether for 9 years. that relationship has helped me with my husband: i called it "therapy" for myself. my husband and i have great sex life, but this relationship.... i don't know it gives excitment. the other guy is also married. this relationship it's only @ work.
to the person who is speaking of being addicted to the lifestyle of swinging, and who is asking for help, and to anyone who wants to get a handle on affairs and hurting others (and yourself): I had a problem with similar things and by some fortunate circumstances ended up at an SLAA meeting. This program saved my life, my marraige, and makes me a better man everyday. I have integrity now, and a WONDERFUL sex life with my wife, uneffected by porn, liasons, etc that were messing things up so badly. People don't usually come into SLAA until they have totally wrecked their entire life, but really, check it out, and get a handle on your life before the total chaos happens, before you kids hate you, etc.
Sometimes sex is just that. I have cheated with 5 men and my husband has no clue. Its no that I don't love him, sometimes I just need to have more sex.
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My current SO was cheated on by his ex-wife. After they had their two children, she stopped being intimate with him. He continued to be himself... a caring, committed, hard-working father and husband. She asked him to get a vasectomy because she didn't want to have more children. He did, not only because they agreed about not having more children, but also because he was hoping it would help her feel more relaxed about being intimate (not having to worry about getting pregnant). A year later he found out she was cheating on him. She begged him to stay and try couples therapy. He did. She then asked him to move out, but still continue therapy. He did. The whole time, she was still cheating on him. After their eventual divorce, she even had the nerve to ask him if he could tell her lover how to properly pleasure her. That, he would not do. If the sex was better with her husband, why did she feel the need to shut him out and get it elsewhere??? To this day, five years after the divorce, my SO still has issues with "love." He says he's 110% committed to me... for the past 2 years we've had a fantastic relationship and sex life, but he cannot say "I love you" because of how deeply his ex's cheating hurt him.
Women cheat and Men cheat and I think they are usually for different reasons...A man still cares for his wife but she is no longer intimate and an affair begins with someone else who gives him what his wife quit giving him...not just the excitement but the listening and caring...the wife gets in a rut and doesnt want to put forth the effort to make love anymore so he cheats...yet, he doesnt want to hurt his wife because she is a decent person...she just doesn't pay attention to him anymore...then, there's the kids...he doesnt want to hurt them either...it becomes a juggle...and you can credit many of them for trying to get the wife to pay attention again and again by telling the wife he is unhappy...maybe a week or two things will go fine but then its back to the non caring and the no sex....and face it, men want sex and wives forget that its in their nature to want it...guys are visual beings and can be aroused easily by the shape of a women's body or the way she moves and if his wife feels sexy and gives the slightest advance the guy is aroused, women sometimes fail to keep it going after they have had children and the husband is thrown to the back burner...So, thats one scenerio...Now you take a women...she has the kids all day and when her husband comes home from work she is so ready for adult company and conversation... her husband says he is tired and wants to lie down...he is in the habit of napping while she finishes dinner...he has gotten in a rut...he quits giving her attention that she needs like he use to give her without having to beg for it...she gets complimented at the local grocery or if she works, she gets hit on by a male colleague...soon the attention makes her give in to an affair... she too doesn't want to hurt the husband because he is a decent guy who works hard and she loves her kids and doesn't want to shake their world...but, women are more aroused by touch and tenderness and sweet conversation...So you have 2 different scenerios and so much unhappiness and guilt and things just go down hill from there...at the time they are looking to feel better but not seeing the outcome an affair brings...it comes crashing down...Sometimes it's the heart on fire and the mind can't think straight and many people get hurt...I don't think that a lot of people intend the hurt that it causes the other partner but it happens and its a mess...It all comes down to the lack of communication...partners quit talking and they guit being a unity like it was in the beginning when you talked and you loved everything about each other... It happens to good people that are not cheap or easy by nature...just lonely or feeling unwanted...and it happens to men and women..sometimes its just that and not always sleasy...Sleasy is when a man or woman sets out to be naughty...maybe she wants to take a man from someone because he has money and she has the good looks to play him....and then maybe he is a man with married men syndrome who likes to be stroked by lots of affairs to feel good yet keep his home life intact...Each affair is different, yet they are wrong by all means...But, they are about people and their lives and their unhappiness and so many different pesonalities are involved...and sometimes no matter how hard a person tries they cannot get what they need at home anymore so they get weak...maybe yes they should have communicated more...but what if they cant get that from their partner. And really, there are no guarantees for any of us...no matter how right you do it or how wrong...you just can't see it coming and it can happen to anyone...sometimes just because the flesh gets weak and sometimes because someone feels that life is greener on the other side...Its like everything in life...you have to have enough pride and morals to stand for something and get out if you are not happy...i asked my ex to tell me if he was not happy and to please not make a fool out of me by cheating...Not too many people can do that though and books will tell you that most people dont get up the nerve to leave their spouse until there is someone else to go to and/or when they get caught...Maybe most of the world just cant stand to be alone and they have to have a plan or they have to have that other person already in place so they can leave and not be consumed with loneliness...I have read alot about affairs and about married men syndrome and one case was an affair that went on for 25 years in secrecy and they both had spouse's and didn't want to hurt them or their children and when the man died, the woman couldn't go the man's funeral because it was all a big secret...its sad beyond measure...i've also read where a good women who had good morals and a pure heart got involved with a business man...and sometimes thats the one men go after because they are hard to get and it gives them a challenge and its sad sometimes that a man doesnt realize he needs a challenge to feel fullfilled...she falls in love with him and because he is a traveling man, she doesnt know he is married because he sees her often and takes her on trips and she has fallen head over heels. For months and months they are just like a normal couple and then she finds out he is married...by then her heart is involved so much its hard to find reason...she believes all his tales of a wife that doesnt live him and that he stays married because of a sickly child...he promises her everything and its hard to not be caught up in all the bliss he feeds her...after several years she gives him an ultimatum and he dumps her...he soon moves on to another traveling companion and she falls apart... its just plain sad that he used her and she couldnt see it and his life goes on as if he doesn't have a heart...And, one day the same man finds out his wife has been having an affair and he loses his mind...Talk about wanting your cake and eating it too and then it coming back leaving a bad taste in your mouth...I divorced a man who said he wasnt happy and didnt know what he wanted out of life after 2 kids and 16 years of marriage... and even then it was after he laid out till all hours of the night and yet he didn't have the guts to leave...he would miss at least 2 days a week at work and the finances became a mess...and he didn't act like he had a wife and kids...He was hateful and rude all the time and I finally decided that if we drove him that crazy that the kids and I didn't need to be there...Sometimes you just get tired...But, it hurt beyond measure even though I had to be the one to call it quits...i never understood his being miserable because i never was a crouch at him, never refused the wifely things and I took good care of the house and kids...when I look back I know I was too good to him and even though the sex was always good and was always there...he got swept up to the whims of the world when daylight came..and I stayed to try to keep a family foundation for my children... but sometimes you can't make certain pesonalities of people happy no matter what and that's just the reality of it...I have not yet remarried...but i have a great boyfriend of 8 years...we enjoy each others company, we have so much love for each other and we have great communication and life is truly good...I have a little fear of the marriage thing because in my mind it changes once you sign that piece of paper...but i am getting through that and i sometimes contribute our good relationship to the fact that we are friends first and that gives us respect for one another and that's why we can talk to each other about anything and we have made a promise to each other to always communicate...i dont expect him to read between the lines if im upset and he lets me be myself totally...It may help that we have both been hurt before and maybe sometimes you just have to get through the bad to find the good...Truly though...can you ever make sense of anyones failed relationships... there's just so many things and so much heartache and stubborness that some relationships are doomed anyway... and now...my ex wants me back because he is in church with a belief that he can never remarry because he has a living wife...it was never about me then and its not about me now...its still about him and that is sad because he brought it on himself....things do sometimes go full circle but i dont wish him to be alone...I just cant be his answer...I'm over him and I'm over the bitterness...Now, i can reflect on the fact that even after a failed marriage I had a good life and I've raised two wonderful children....i like myself and I am truly happy....the outcome is what matters...So whether you are the man or the woman who got cheated on...just remember....maybe its got to happen so you can get where you really need to be...OVER IT AND HAPPY
My spouse and I just had our 19th anniversary. Throughout our marriage I have felt strongly that he has not been faithful to me. By our first anniversary I had found him self satisfying while looking at porn. I was devistated but committed to our vows and we were expecting our first child. We went to counseling and were told that he was addicted to porn. We were told that it was an illness. I have gone to Sex and Love Addicts Annonymous meetings and counseling through the years to learn how to have a marriage with someone with this addiction. Though there has never been any problems, I've always felt extra responsibility where our children were concerned. My spouse says that he has been this way for so long that it won't ever change. I've always prayed that someday he would see and want to stop. He insists that the porn and fantasies are separate from our relationship. He says that he really prefers us together more than the other. I have lost interest in having intimate relations when I don't think he's with me anyway. It hasn't mattered if I'm young/old, thin/heavy, or dressed-up/dressed-down, he still has to have the porn. All of our marriage I've competed with his addiction for his affection. He's held fast to his belief that he has always been faithful to me because he's never had a physical relationship with anyone else in all these years. I have always believed that he couldn't be faithful to me if he was looking at, thinking of, and fantasizing about the women he saw in the porn. At the end of January 2007 he announced that he no longer wants to be married to me. I've had health and emotional issues over the past two years; he says it's just too hard to live with. Not to mention the emotional relationship he's fantasized himself into with a 22 yr old employee. I asked him directly in counseling if he was willing to give the porn up so that we could have a real relationship. The porn won. He insists that the porn and all had little or nothing to do with his decision. I guess one can justify it however one wants, fidelity or infidelity. All I know is that I've loved and been true to him every day of our marriage in all ways. I only have to be responsible for my own choices and decisions. I am actually looking forward to peace and no competition.
My spouse and I just had our 19th anniversary. Throughout our marriage I have felt strongly that he has not been faithful to me. By our first anniversary I had found him self satisfying while looking at porn. I was devistated but committed to our vows and we were expecting our first child. We went to counseling and were told that he was addicted to porn. We were told that it was an illness. I have gone to Sex and Love Addicts Annonymous meetings and counseling through the years to learn how to have a marriage with someone with this addiction. Though there has never been any problems, I've always felt extra responsibility where our children were concerned. My spouse says that he has been this way for so long that it won't ever change. I've always prayed that someday he would see and want to stop. He insists that the porn and fantasies are separate from our relationship. He says that he really prefers us together more than the other. I have lost interest in having intimate relations when I don't think he's with me anyway. It hasn't mattered if I'm young/old, thin/heavy, or dressed-up/dressed-down, he still has to have the porn. All of our marriage I've competed with his addiction for his affection. He's held fast to his belief that he has always been faithful to me because he's never had a physical relationship with anyone else in all these years. I have always believed that he couldn't be faithful to me if he was looking at, thinking of, and fantasizing about the women he saw in the porn. At the end of January 2007 he announced that he no longer wants to be married to me. I've had health and emotional issues over the past two years; he says it's just too hard to live with. Not to mention the emotional relationship he's fantasized himself into with a 22 yr old employee. I asked him directly in counseling if he was willing to give the porn up so that we could have a real relationship. The porn won. He insists that the porn and all had little or nothing to do with his decision. I guess one can justify it however one wants, fidelity or infidelity. All I know is that I've loved and been true to him every day of our marriage in all ways. I only have to be responsible for my own choices and decisions. I am actually looking forward to peace and no competition.
I have been married now 7 months to a man I dated for 7 years. My husband was diagnosed with Stomach Cancer in June and I have been having "secretive sex" now for over a month with an old boyfriend. Is it wrong .. probably but I have this huge need to feel wanted and not a caretaker.. while I never plan on telling my husband who was only given 3 years to live if we are lucky.. I feel .. and this maybe wrong but that I am not cheating ... taking something I need so I can give something my loved one needs and that is not me begging to make love anymore.
Never in my life have I read an account of behavior as sick and as reprehensible as that. I've been lonely for a very long time but after browsing through the comments posted here, I'm starting to believe I'm much better off alone.
I think I have read two sane replies to this blog post and I truly feel sorry for all but those two. I've been dating my current boy friend over a year. Two months into our relationship we started having sex, since then the sex has only gotten better. I have no complaints and wouldn't dare cheat and ruin our relationship. I believe that cheaters are not only ruining their lives, but also the lives of everyone else involved. Breaking up families and homes is not a thing to be proud of.
It is so easy for people to be judgemental towards those of us who have cheated. Of course it is not something that I am proud of. I have to live with the lies and deception everyday. I have been married for 25 years, have two children. I have a husband that as far as I know has no idea that I have been having an affair for 4 years. I never ever thought I would be unfaithful but I met someone who made me feel alive, someone who talks to me, someone who loves me, and the sex is great, too. My husband is detached, distracted, too busy with work travel, as well as his sports and hobbies. We grew apart for many reasons but one of the main reasons was difference in parenting styles. He is non-confrontational, does not like conflict and does not communicate. Even when son was arrested for possession of pot, he said nothing, not one word. No punishment. I grounded son, took away car privileges, father ignored my punishment, gave kid car keys. That is just one of many examples. There has been no intamacy between us in years. He never was that much into sex unless I initiated it. I do not know what will happen - I do not want to break up the family because I still have a teenager at home. I feel guilty because my husband is a good guy, very sweet good father, not a bad man, good provider but I am not in love with him anymore. Life is too short not to be happy. It is very complicated and as I said in the beginning it is very easy for people to be judgemental. I am not cheating to get ahead professionally although we did meet through work. It just happened because we were both in loveless marriages. I know it is wrong but I also know that I have to have some happiness in my life.
You're right. It's very easy for decent folks to form negative opinions of people whose behavior indicates a complete lack of integrity and moral values, and disturbingly unbridled narcissism. Grow up and file for divorce.
What if your wife has Alzheimers and has been in a home for a year??
Anonymous @ 12:53
Your vows for marriage included the phrase "In sickness and in health."
Adultery is a hot topic. Personally, I would never do it. Not because of the guilt, but because there is always a better solution than sneeking around behind someone's back to have a physical and/or emotional relationship with someone else. If the relationship you are currently in does not provide that, then leave that relationship.
It's more heartbreaking to find out that someone has deceived you and pretty much abused the love you gave them than it is to go through the heartbreak of being dumped/divorced.
When I learned of my husband's cheating on me five years ago, I was devastated. 27 years of marriage invalidated. I had always trusted him completely; now I don't trust him at all. He went on a business trip three days after I discovered his secret. I took a day off of work and changed my bank accounts because I am the salary earner in the family. I was afraid I'd come home the next pay day and find my direct deposit paycheck gone from the bank. I had always said I would never stay with anyone who cheated on me, but he has a progressive disease that will leave him in a wheelchair in as few as 3-5 years. There is no one else to take care of him; his disability benefits would never cover his expenses. So I am still with him. And I am faithful to him. I meant my vows even if he did not. But he has both my wedding bands in his possession; I wear no rings that are symbols of his broken vows. In fact I left them both unwearable by putting them through a vice in his workshop. The anger is gone; but so is the trust. Forever. Til death do us part.
On the other hand, the partner may never find out, and it's fun. There is another side to this issue.
After reading all these comments I feel sick I have been married 20 years to the man I adore, even though we hardly have sex I would never cheat on him you know we all have to stand before our maker one day and having affairs is not the right thing to do. Try harder with your marriage it beats divorce and destroying your family.
i was married for over 39 years to my late wife i was NEVER unfaithful to her,tho i had many chances to do so. as she laid in her casket, i was extremely glad that i had remained faithful
I was a deceived mate with few social skills. My mate had finished with the marriage. When I tried to rebuild my life, I encountered therapists who didn't understand my difficulties. I settled for a long relationship with a delightful widower but he wasn't very social. I stayed in it too long. Please don't laugh folks, now I'm 70 and finally ready for emotional intimacy and being a member of society. I know more than I used to but am still shy with men. Any suggestions welcome!
I have been married for almost 25 years, the past 10 have been difficult. My husband had become distant, traveled for business more often, started smoking pot, detached himself as often as possible. Meanwhile, I stayed fully devoted yet miserable.. We'd have sex only about 2 times a year, mostly bc he'd go to sleep sooo early and wake up real early and I'd go to bed later and wake up *regular* time.
Well it happened when I wasn't looking. We had a young man staying with us on weekends, sort of as his host family. My husband would go to sleep and the young man and I would stay up laughing and talking. One day I looked at him and saw a MAN, not a young man and I was falling in love. It was the same for him, and what I suppose started as an emotional affair slowly turned into a physical affair.
My husband is still clueless. The boyfriend is overseas on business for about 9 more months and we still keep in touch. I send him packages, we flirt, he writes emails to ME and snail mail to my family etc. What I have yet to mention is he is the same age as my oldest daughter. I know it sounds crazy, but somehow we fell in love/like.
As fate would have it, I noticed lots of odd charges on our bank acct for the past few months and after investigating found them to be charges to porn chat rooms, video chats and such. I confronted husband and first he denied it but when he knew i knew, fessed up to talking to a young girl in russia and *IT's NOT WHAT YOU THINK!*. how does he know what i think?
We have drifted apart no doubt. Can this marriage be saved? I don't know. I was really mad at him more for wasting OUR funds on his indescretions than for chatting. I mentioned the D word, he says what's the rush? He's perfectly happy... He has a great weight lifted off his shoulders since it's out in the open, or so he says. I am the biggest hypocrite, involved with my guy. But what he doesn't know won't hurt him. This is a crazy situation to find myself in. I still love my spouse, but not in the marital way. Can WE get it back or should we just move on, changing the lives of our 3 children forever? How did life get so complicated?
How this "STUFF" get started in the first place? Morals? Values? You've GOT to be kidding me! It's ALL because of the MEDIA---mags...-TV....the Internet...We are DESTROYING OURSELVES!-Anonymous
Why should anyone be so shocked? Cheaters have all the excuses. Cheaters don't want anyone to judge them. It is not their fault! It's their partners fault they "fell out of love" and "loveless marrige". I have come to find out that while the person that cheats can justify to themselves "why", and might even find a support system among other cheaters, or the person that their having sex with.The truth is it is all about them! It is not about their partners problems it is about their weakness. When I discovered that my husband was with another woman I was devastated. I loved him,and just like the spouses mentioned in the artical I had no idea. I felt raped by him and the woman he slept with. I couldn't wash enough.Unfortunately he never stopped having sex with me. I had nightmares of both of them chasing & stabbing me. I thought that it was because I had given him 4 children and my body wasn't the same. I thought its because I was lacking somehow. Funny thing happened though. After giving 120% for 15years, and thinking that I was worthless. I found out that I was smart, very capable, and very desirable. I have a wonderful life without the cheater. I have a new marriage now almost 4 years,a man that loves my body, a new baby, a great career, a new home, and the love and respect of my children. He is still misrable. Now he can't cheat on me so he gets to cheat on his girlfriend, and I am now what he loved and lost. So no matter how much he blamed me for his affair, my happy life now proves who had the problem. So all you cheaters out there find some strength to take resposibilty for the hurt and pain you are causing your innocent spouse, because they are proably better off without you. You need them more then they need you, they just don't know it yet. My ex thought I couldn't live without him, and so did I. So I greived the loss of my marriage I held on to my children and weathered their pain too. Once the horrible gut renching pain subsided a little I realized that the choice was mine. The pain and suffering my ex inflicted didn't need to be repeated, and it was my decision to get him out of my life. He has said to me not too long ago that if I had only "been like this" when we were together he never would have strayed. My reply was I could never have "been like this" when we were together. His selfish self serving behavior would never allow it. I would like to know whats wrong with his girlfriend that he has to cheat on her. After all she was his answer to his unhappiness with me. By the way for all those cheaters that said "life is too short" they are right. Life is too short to be with someone with no self control, someone selfish that only cares about their own happiness. I am sure that the pain that a cheater causes to their spouse is one of the worst form of abuse there really isn't any good excuse for it.I firmly believe that god is keeping score and everyone will answer to him at one point or another.
I have been reading all these posts with a mixture of sadness, anger and incredulousness. My wife and I have been married 25 years. She was the first woman I dated and the first woman with whom I made love. During these 25 years we have had many ups and downs, some very serious.
Nowhere in these posts have I read about having faith in your partner, forgiveness, commitment and love - at least not all of them together. When we married, it was with the intention of remaining married, and honoring the vows we made to each other. We have always agreed that NO MATTER WHAT, the other person would be there for us. Forgiveness of faults and mistakes is crucial to our relationship, as is love and respect. At the worst of times, when we have been emotionally separated and empty, neither of us has even considered sex with another person - we promised each other that we would be faithful, respect one another, and honor one another - and maintain our personal integrity in order that we both be true to our commitment.
We have had struggles with alcohol and drugs, emotional isolation and loneliness within this relationship - but the commitment to one another always pulled us through even the worst of times. Sex has always been an important part of our relationship, but only as a physical expression of our emotional commitment.
We have now come to a point in our lives at which, due to medical reasons, we will no longer be able to have a sexual relationship. While we will miss that aspect of our life together, we give it up gladly to continue to share the love and life we have built together, and to continue to be there for each other.
The perspective that mortality imposes is truly profound. If sex is more important than an emotionally satisfying, loving relationship, you are clearly in the wrong relationship regardless of the quality of your sex life
This is more of a question than comment. What would you people say about a couple that has been in a monogamous heterosexual relationship for just under a year, and all of a sudden the female finds evidence that the man is communicating sexually with another male? No previous signs of bisexualism or same sex fantasies. Our sex life, in my eyes is wonderful, and according to him it is too. We enjoy sex almost daily. I have even found evidence that directly after having sex with me, he emailed this guy about having sex with him. Any suggestions???
It is absolutely exhausting to try and slog through all the badly spelled words, malapropisms, and bizarre punctuation some of your people put out there in the arena of 'free expression'. If you want to get your ideas across, try proofreading before hitting send!
my husband stopped paying attention to me, then i stopped caring about him over many years. then some guy is actually interested in my views and we have conversations and become friends. then friends with benefits, then lovers. that's how it happens.
husband is so stuck in his own butt, doesn't see whats going on right under his nose in his own house. my lover/friend is a friend to the whole family and here all the time unless away on business. maybe if he paid attention i wouldnt be in this situation.
Everything I read says something about the wife/husband and their feelings during and after an affair. What about the person they had the affair with? What does that person do when the cheating wife/husband ends the affair...especially after 10 years of secrecy and being told you are truly loved by the cheating husband/wife...and even after 10 years you are still madly in love with the cheating wife/husband. How does the victim deal with this type of breakup? Since all of this was secretive, there is no outside support to help you through it. How long does it take to get over this type of breakup? NOTE: It was the cheating wife/husband that sought and reached out to someone outside the marriage, made a connection and enjoyed the best sex ever. Kind of like Prince Charles and Camilla. How long would that have continued if there was no tragic ending that brought them together?
I've read quite a few of the comments, and most were good. Liars and cheaters will hurt themselves in the long run. Cheating on the culprit in order to "get back" is not a remedy. You will only degrade yourself. Just get out of the relationship before it's too late.
I have advice for ALL of us...I am also the victim of someone who needs me more than I need him. He has been involved in calling sex hot lines (which are not done for FREE)...he has problems with money and has custody of two children he is not even SURE are his. He begs me to come back and I THOUGHT I loved him. I now see that it is a totally destructive relationship. He will suck me in and swallow me up (emotionally, financially, mentally and ultimately--physically). It is our duty to ourselves, whether male or female, to care MORE about ourselves than another person....I feel for those with children involved, but we are not doing THEM any justice whatsoever either, to stay in a "totally draining-nothing-in-it-for-ME" relationship. I cannot find any selfishness in that statement. We are only as good to OTHERS as we are to OURSELVES in the first place...so if we are stuck in a fruitless situation,,,,,get OUT...run as fast as you can...even the children will be happier. Did you ever notice that unhappiness can be a legacy we pass on to them? Wake up...get out of anything that is bad...even those of you who are stuck because it is not financially advantageous to leave. You might as well be in PRISON anyway! You only go around once...LIVE...find happiness--it IS out there.
to the woman who has determined that her husband has been having sex with another man, I suggest two courses of action: (1)see a doctor IMMEDIATELY & determine if you have any STD'S. (2)
confront your husband with the info you have, & act accordingly
I was cheated by a man that I thought was my world. He took very good care of me & my daughter, until his class reunion came around & he hooked up with an old girlfriend. I stayed in the marraige because I thought I could make it work. I was in counciling two times a week & feeling like crap about myself. When he came to me & told me she was pregant, I still stayed until the baby was born. He promised that he would bring the baby home during his visits but of course he did not. So I filled for a divorce. We have been divorced for 1yr & 3months. To this day he tells me that if he could take me back that he would, to be a family with his son. The damage that he has done is terrible. He does not realize the hurt that he has caused not only me but my daughter who loved him very much. Anyone who cheats is asking for what they get and they deserve waht they get.
I do not know why I cheat. I have had 2 affairs before this current one but at least, the 3rd makes me feel very loved. Reflecting on the 2 past affairs, they just died cos I was posted elsewhere. The feeling has slowly died but I am sure we will rekindle and have some good sex if we meet up. As for the current one, I am quite in love. I ahve even thought of leaving my family...I hate it when I dont get the sms on the phone over weekends , when I do not get a call. I may no longer be so hot with my SO but with my new love...WOW!!!So what's wrong? I really do not know why and I loathe this behavious as I do not think this is norm and such secret love can kill the soul.Has anyone an answer?
I caught my husband of thirty years in my bed with a low class dope smoking skank. He is a well repected MD. She pulled a gun out of her purse, in my house after hiding all night behind my coutch. I am a RN. She never graduated from high school. My husband moved into her single wide trailor from hour fifteen acred house ranch. We are still married, he refuses to settle. They are currently in the Bahamas vacationing. He refuses to divide our property. I worked the entire marriage. He took out a substantial insurance policy on me after I caught them. I have recently hired my third lawyer. There is no justice for women in the US. The men with the most money making ability gets to keep everything. Regardless of the horrible pain and emotional baggage I am left with forever, I just want my half of our estate. I am about ready to give up. I have done all the recomended things. PI. best attorney. stay away from him. All I have is a broken heart and a sad story to tell. At age 55, I have to start over.
What do you do when you want to divorce and other partner will not agree to it? Reasons for adultery are many as mentioned on all these comments. You need to move on and the other person is not allowing it, nor wants therapy. The partner not allowing the divorce feels they are "stuck" with the hurt of infidelity, like when you have a cronic pain that nothing cures it. Then what?
Wow!! There's a lot of deep emotion in this line of chatter. I've been married for 11 years. My husband has never managed to consummate the deal. After about 17 months of being pushed away, I started looking elsewhere. Eventually, I met a wonderful man and fell in love. I don't consider it cheating as there was never anything to cheat on, we're only married on paper. I haven't gotten a divorce because I can't make myself say the words. It's a cross between being raised to be a good girl/wife and not hurting my husband, even though he hurts me every day . . not physically, but emotionally. I'm stronger than he is and do not wish to take advantage of that.
The one thing I learned from cheating is that NO ONE knows what goes on behind closed doors. Yes, some people cheat because they are sexual gluttons, but some people are just lonely and hurt and need to feel loved and lovable again and it has nothing to do with wanting to hurt one's spouse or anyone else. You can't categorize all affairs the same way. I think there are as many reasons as there are affairs. You also can't expect a person to stay faithful in a marriage without sex. I've chatted on-line with many men who've cheated on their wives. I'm not sure how many are telling the truth or not, but a major theme has been that their wives no longer are sexual with them. Please, ladies, don't shut your men out. And also, please don't be so quick to judge situations you aren't involved in. Sometimes things are not as they seem.
WITH ALL THIS SAID I WANT TO TELL YOU A STORY ABOUT ME. I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR THE PAST TWO YRS, I HAVE KNOWN MY HUSBAND FOR 8YRS. HE HAS CHEATED ON ME TWICE, I HAVE ALWAYS TOLD MYSELF THAT I WILL NOT STAND BY A MAN THAT CHEATS! I HAVE LIED TO MYSELF. EACH TIME I HAD A FEELING AND WE WOMEN DO HAVE A SIXTH SENCE IT CAME TRUE! I WAS HURT, UNWANTED, UNAPPRECIATED AND EVERYTHING THAT FOLLOWS. HE IS THAT TYPE OF INDIVIDUAL THAT LIKES TO CARE FOR HIMSELF, AND I COULD SAY HE IS SELFISH IN EVERY SENCE WHEN IT COMES TO HIM, EVEN SEX. IN THE BEGINING OF OUR RELATIONSHIP HE ALWAYS ADORED, COMPLIMENTED, AND EXPRESSED INTEREST IN ME. THAT IS DONE FOR THE PAST SEVEN YEARS. I HAVE STOOD BY HIM BECAUSE OF HIS BIG HEART, INTELIGENCE, OPEN MINDNESS, FUTURE,AND HIS CONDITION OF BI-POLAR. I HAVE GIVEN HIM EVERYTHING HE COULD POSIBILY HAVE HOME, CAR, FRESH MEALS EVERYDAY, NURTURE, SEX AND LOVE HE HAD IT ALL WHAT WAS HIS EXCUSE TO CHEAT HE NEVER JUSTIFIED THAT. HE IS IN THE HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW AND I AM JUST FED UP WITH HIS CHEATING, I DID HAVE THOUGHTS TO DO THE SAME BUT I JUST CANT BRING MYSELF OF DOING SO. I DONT WANT TO LEAVE HIM BECAUSE I DO HAVE AN 8 YRS OLD GIRL AT HOME. I THOUGHT THE AGE AND ME NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM MADE HIM CHEAT. LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK.
i have been with my husband for 1o years. at frist it was great but after my frist miscarragie, i cheated. i almost lost my husband. i was upset and we worked everything out. but then it happened agian,i lost anouther baby. and now im cheating agian and he dont know. the bad thing is it is with i his best friend. and the frist time was with a friend of his. i dont feel bad for it, ijust want more. does any one have any ideas of hope for me. because i really dont want to lose my man. hes 42 and im 28 does that make a differance?
I truly believe people confuse SEX with love. If your relationship started out as a sexual thing then that's how it will be forever! There's no love in sexual attraction just sex. And you don't have to have sex to show love.
If you're married, your marriage should go deeper than just "on paper" as one person put it. There are ways to reconnect but if you give up by forsaking your marriage then you're the loser not your partner. And if you feel like I'm judging you right now please realize that I'm not but I do not agree with your lifestyle. Feeling judged is you allowing yourself to feel guilty for what you did.
To old bromide and everyone else.
I have to agree that a relationship is about trust and forgiveness and love. Even when the worst happens, it all comes down to those things.
A few months ago, I learned that my husband was cheating. The affair lasted only about a month, but he was ready to leave me and our children. Ready to skip out on almost 10 years of our life together.
When he came home, he was scared. He was coming back to me, but was sure that I would kick him out. I'd always said that I would. But I couldn't do it. We struggled through about a week, trying to trust on my part, and trying to make it up on his part.
Then the day came when he came home from work, and packed his stuff to move out. I helped. I let him go. I told him that I would be here, but I helped.
Two days later, he called asking if he could come home. I said yes.
That was 8 months ago. And through counseling and much prayer, we have a stronger marriage now than we've ever had in the past. The trust isn't back to 100% yet, but it's much better. And through listening to each-others emotional and physical needs, we're finally beinging to build a relationship that is more than just living together...it's compassion, passion and real love.
As the hurt person in the situation, I hurt very badly at times-blaming myself for not giving him what he required. But it's a two-way street. While I didn't cheat, I realize now that I have needs that weren't being met-or even addressed!
The only way to avoid situations such as this is to be completely open and honest with your partner. In every matter....no matter how big or how small; a need is a need and should be met.
So, in some really messed-up way, I am thankful for what happened, because it's brought us closer than ever before.
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Having experianced this in our marrage I would say that the article was very acurate. It did take at least a year before the healing could even begin to start. There is still quite a bit of not wanting to trust but its getts better ever so slowly with time.
IM MESSING AROUND WITH A MARRIED MAN. I THNKS HIS WIFE KNOWS SHE FOUND SOME OF MY PICS ON HIS COMPUTER. IM NOT GOING TO STOP THE AFFAIR NEITHER IS HE.
I have read all the comments on this subject and would like to give my point of veiw.
My ex-wife and I had known each other for 10 years before we decided to marry. There were some finacial issues and location issue since I lived in Colorado and she lived in Illinois. I ended up moving to Illinois and it was my choice to do so. Almost from the beginning, we had problems with trust and intimacy. I predominately initiated sex and as newlyweds(we never lived together)I thought that we should be more involved with each other as opposed to our families. My wife was very devoted to her mother and her daughter and I wanted to spend more time with my new wife. She began to withdraw and I isolated myself with work. We searched for solutions to our problems. I entered individual therapy and she and I were counseled by our pastor. But she still seem to have her " love bucket " filled by her family and I was more or less left to fend for myself. Weeks then months were going by without affection, intimacy or sex. I compensed by masturbating since whenever I approached her, I was turned down or was told that we could do it be she wouldn't be into it. Before our marriage, there was no problem in the sexual arena. It finally became to much for me and had a breif affair. It was wrong qand was not what I wanted for our relationship. We separated fro a year and worked on our issues. We spoke and decided we would try it once more, but nothing really changed. She would leave the room when I entered. She would no longer respond to words of love and endearment. We barely said two words to each other in the course of a week and the weekends would come and she stayed in the bedroom watching westerns most of the day. Then we would go to church together and she would spend Sunday with her mother and daughter and did not come home until about 8:00 or 9:00 in the evening. We were doing Friday Date nights and trying new places to eat and seeing movies we agreed upon. Soon that even stopped. I suggested that we try to meet with our pastor again but she refused. We tried to talk things over and get to the bottom of the issue without sucess. There was no love trust or respect in our marriage by this time. My ex-wife had said she forgave me but it was apparent she did not. I was not getting what I needed from the marriage and she was getting her needs met with her family. Ergo, I had an another affair. Is what I did the right thing to do? No. Do I feel justified? No, I don't. This has destroy me and my life.
the bottom line is men need physical intimacy to feel love and women need emotional intimacy. Oftentimes in a marriage the husband thinks all is well as long as there is regular sex, while the wife is miserable and just going through the motions.
It's unfortunate but it happens all the time. Men get lazy and quit communicating, women get lazy and quit trying to be sexy. When we are trying to attract a mate we are sexy, clever, cute, and charming. But too often once we are settled in we just think the marriage will take care of itself.
Everyone needs excitement. The problem is a lack of communication. That and this bizarre notion of being faithful to a "vow" taken in our youth.
I lost my virginity to my boyfriend when I was 15. A few monthes later he cheated on me. To this day I still sabotage every relationship I am in. I start to get worried around the 8 or 9 month mark that I am giving the person too much of myself. Too much power to hurt me with things like cheating. All of my relationships fail, in part, to my first sexual relationship ending in cheating. He didn't just hurt me once. He hurts me everytime I cause a relationship to end.
I cannot believe that I am in the predicament I am in.... I have had nightmares about my husband cheating on me.... The dreams have been so real that I actually feel extreme anger towards him in the morning... In the dream I see myself reacting to finding out about the cheating and wake feeling TOTAL devastation... I have had at least 10 of these types of dreams in the 13 years of marriage.... The first 5 years of marriage were very tough. But I was commited to my marriage.... In the 6th year we discovered that my husband had ADHD and that releived some of the Pain and feelings of abuse..... And yet I was still committed..... I was able to love him for a long time knowing that it wasn't his fault... he is "handicapped" I wouldn't want him to stop loving me if I suddenly became hadicapped.... And so..... I was committed to this marriage..... My mother was divored a number of times which is why I am sooooo committed.... We now have 4 children and I love them more than you could ever know... And so I am committed..... HOWEVER.............. somehow I have changed.... I can longer hang onto "it is not his fault (cause he is "handicapped")We haven't been intimate in almost a year and I DO NOT need sex from anyone.... I have "shut down" for at least the past 3 years. I have told him that if things don't change I will have to leave.... I have slowly been loosing my care or even concern for him in the last year at least.... And recently we have discovered that he actually has narcissism and not ADHD..... Which as far as I can tell there is no real treatment for... he is very much a "child" and has NO real responsibilities... I take care of darn near EVERYTHING. Bills, paperwork, house, children, etc....I actually worry if he could make it in the world without someone taking care of him... I have stayed at home for the last 10 years to raise our children but economic times have forced me back into the work field... In just the last 2 months I have become closer with a male coworker/friend that very much has the same kind of marriage that I have.... In trying to support eachother we have found out that we have extremely uncanny parallels in our lives... and not just a few.... It's almost a twilight zone situation.... I did the asking and he gave the answers so I KNOW he wasn't lying to impress me.... We started off as helping eachother stay with our spouses... Encouraging eachother to look for happy moments, to concentrate on them... We really only e-mailed each other occasionally at first and then more often as we searched for deeper and deeper support... We have to hide it at work because we didn't want anyone to think "stupid" thoughts of this very innocent help and support that we needed. And didn't want any rumors... So I email'd from home when I can and he rely'd at work... lately it has moved to phone calls on the way home from work.... we talk at least 3-4 times a day now... thru e-mail, on the phone, whenever we can.... The conversations are mostly still about staying with our spouses because niether one of us want to put our children through a divorce.... but also about how precious the friendship is...He is so good to his kids... (We also live in the same community and have been acquintence type friends for years) The problem???? He is my other half..... LIKE LITERALLY... he can complete a sentence for me... I don't know how to explain it. I CANNOT TELL YOU ENOUGH HOW PARALLEL our lives are... down to minute details.... childhood experiences, demographics, music, humor, studies, goals, morals, vaules, etc... There is a respect so great their isn't even a word in the human language to describe it... What you may need to know is that I am a rational, very practical, well educated individual. I am NOT the cheating type and neither is he at all.... At the very beginning of this we tried to set boundries to make sure this didn't happen.... But we have come to a point that I have no idea what to do with now...When he moves past me, it's as if the whole worlds energy moves with him, it's a heavy, heavy pull.. We have convinced ourselves that we are just very best friend in the whole world.... But at a recent gathering I was able to hug another male friend of mine without even thinking twice about it. And as he touched me on my arm to say goodbye, I thought I would melt to the floor... The sad part is the more we make the right choices to do the right thing, them more we long for eachother, because we never had that in our spouses (them making righteous choices) I can't stop the friendship, it would be as if I was cutting off my air supply... But I can't put my kids through a divorce either that my husband would turn into a selfish competition for the childrens approval... (narcassist CANNOT have "bad files" they will do anything to look flawless.. Including abuse if necessary... Walking on verbal egg shells and keeping the peace is the only way I can keep some form of normalcy in my kids life) The other bad part... I don't think I would want to marry my friend even if we both divorced... I wouldn't want to ruin this,.... But I don't know what THIS is.... I don't have lusty passions for him, but he gives me serious butterflies when I even get an e-mail... My world moves when he walks by me... He feels it too and it is so intense now we worry that others can feel it as well. We can't be near eachother with out a smirk on our faces (not a naughty smirk an "I cant stop smiling smirk") God help us, I have no idea what to do??? We will not even allowing ourselves to indulge or think about "cheating" it's not an option... AT ALL!!! which only makes me want him more..... But not for the sex... It isn't even about that... It's about the closeness, the sharing, the compassion, the trust.... We have definately "slipped" into "Emotional cheating" with exactly the opposite in mind.... AND now what do we do??????
anonymous above,
I want to encourage you to post this over on our Couples Coping message board. The members there are very supportive and helpful.
We divorced over mathematical differences. I thought marriage only worked with two people - she thought three would be ok. I found out my wife cheated on me for over two years when I realized it. I wanted to keep the marriage so I told her to cut it off cold and get counseling. She went but refused to give him up so it was over. That was 6 years ago.
The biggest thing that I see wrong is the selfishness of the cheater to force the spouse and children to change to suit their desires. They have to lie and hide things to cover their lustful activities which destroys all believability to those they hurt.
Is it really worth it to do that to those you claim to love or have loved in the past just to satisfy yourself?
Been with the same guy since I was 17. We have now been married almost 37 years with two grown children, businesses, etc.
The law of marriage was made when we lived to about 40 max and a woman was basically the man's propery. Alot has changed. The laws of marriage should change too! How about a renewable contract every 5 years?? Then there wouldn't be all this shame of being human and wanting to explore different people as well as getting to know yourself. And by the way, who are any of us to judge?
It's my 35th anniversary this month. I don't know what it is for him. Once he discovered porn on the Internet he was full steam ahead. He denied it was his; he blamed our son. His job has meant many nights, weekends of on-call. I just believed I was too horrible to be loving with or kind to since I'd had children, lost my figure, etc. It turns out he prefers men. I must be the most complacent, ignorant moron on the planet. Still, at nearly 60 I don't want to start over. Cheats are pigs. No, that insults the pig.
I have been divorced 1 year and 3 months. I didn't know even ex is cheating on me for our three years of marriage and we have one handsome son. Finally I want to settle every thing by discussion he told me that he doesn't love and I am not attracting him and I lost hope and got divorced and moved out from his house but I am hearted emotionally that I am no longer be loved again, no attractive but I am financially take care my self and my son. But I don't know what happen to me even I don't have a boy friend yet and I can't forget my ex. please write your advice for me how to cope this situation.
Last Thanksgiving my wife informed me that she had an affair. It happened in October, 6 months into our marriage. She promised me that it was over. Five awkward months later she ended it. I served my wife with divorce papers last x-mas morning and she refused to sign them. I read later that the day you decide to end your marriage is the day you begin a year of trying to save it. It has not quite been a year and my wife told me that it is over. I admit that I haven't done all that I could have to help save my marriage, I felt that since she strayed from our relationship that she was in charge of fixing it. I am wrong. Our marrige is both of our responsibilities. I have spent more than half of this year giving demands and threatening divorce rather than trying to forgive her and make her feel comfortable, loved and accepted. Three weeks ago I found that she was still in contact with the co-actor in the affair against my wishes. I feel that this is my fault. I want so badly to forgive and move on but feel that I am still being cheated on. I never wanted to leave her nor do I want to now. She is my best friend. I want to make it work, but how do I get over my own selfishness? How can I prove to her that she IS the most important aspect of my life?
I (48yo) wouldn't want my SO(52yo) to cheat on me for the sake of sex. There is supposed to be more to the relationship than that. For me, it is a big part of my relationships. I am cheating on my SO for just that reason. He cannot satisfy me. I would like to climax too! I have tried to coach him, but it got to the point that I may as well do it myself!! That's not how I want to get "that feeling". I have been dealing with this for almost three months. I told my SO of the "maintenance man" I was seeing before we started dating, but stopped seeing him when we decided to change the relationship. It has been three months and I am going to get back in "touch" with the "maintenance man". BTW - the "maintenance man" is ONLY for PHYSICAL SATISFACTION. He has never failed to make me climax!
You people scare the crap out of me. I'm only twenty years old, from what I've read it makes me want to break with my girlfriend and end up alone. I don't think I can trust any girls after all the female responses I've read. I don't understand how you could all do such thing, you all most be really needy. I'm not understanding how most of you do not really feel guilty I hope I do not ever cheat. I'm not saying I will not cheat because you never know what the future will bring, but I just hope I don't ever cheat and hide such guilt inside me.
You people scare the crap out of me. I'm only twenty years old, from what I've read it makes me want to break with my girlfriend and end up alone. I don't think I can trust any girls after all the female responses I've read. I don't understand how you could all do such thing, you all most be really needy. I'm not understanding how most of you do not really feel guilty I hope I do not ever cheat. I'm not saying I will not cheat because you never know what the future will bring, but I just hope I don't ever cheat and hide such guilt inside me.
I agree with the above poster. I will never trust a woman again after what I've read here.
I have been with my husband for 17 years and never ever even thought of another man or looked at another man and also thought that any woman that broke up a marraige was just a horrible person without any morals/values. I have since met a married man at work and we have become very close emotionally and if it weren't for his ED problem I would find it too easy to cheat (physically). But his problem does not bother me at all. I have never felt these feelings before and know how horrible we both feel for have this deep relationship on our spouses. His wife (smart lady) found out about us because we talked so much on our mobiles - we can't help it. He said he felt no quilt that he thought he would that she found out. WE continue our relationship and do not plan on stopping any time soon. He just looks at me and I feel awesome - we do not even need to touch one another or kiss. He just makes me feel AHHHH!
I have been with my husband for 10 years an married for 6 years, the thing about cheating is yea its not right, an its not the point of he/she isnt doing something right sexualy or physicaly its the excitement of being with someone else, someone elses touch. When your with someone so long sex gets old an boring most of the time, knowing exzackly what the other person is going to do, you know there every touch an every move, an to be with someone else you dont! I dont think its right to do it behind your partners back, i am very open with my husband in what i need, for the most part he doesnt understand, in ways he does, but i still think its good to be open with your spouse!
oh, an this goes with the one comment above this one, we have been together since i was 16, thats another reason i say all that because we didnt get time to experience diff things, that makes a relationship really hard!
I have never cheated on my husband, but wonder if hew has. I have not had sex for over 5 years because he is the one not interested. I am about to lose my mind sometimes, esp now that I have ran into an old friend who is going through the same thing with his wife. I don't know if I'll stay with my husband but I do know I'll have to wait on my affair because when I tuck my children in every night it reminds me of my responsibility. I know most people are thinking, well you can wait because you are a women and they do not want sex as much. NOT my case. But I know good things come to those who wait.
I have never cheated on my husband but have definitely considered it. It is a very difficult thing when your spouse no longer wants to have sex. He isn't cheating, just has lost interest in sexual activity. I am lucky if I have gotten it maybe 5 times in the last year.Most of those were because I initiated it, begged for it and pestered him for several days. It hurts to not be wanted.I am still young and I could find someone else, but I love him so I stay in a mostly sexless marriage.None of our friends know or our family and if I leave I will look like the bad one.
im a a 22 yr old man, i guess that having an affair outside relationship is just the same as being a psycho..why not end the damn love in the first place, as a cheater you need not to sneek on your bf/gf and have ur genitals played by another, those people who do such foolishness are just dependent in the person theyre cheating.. if i will know my gurl is cheating on me,i will leave her outright, no dramas, no counseling, no explanations..if she cant respect me, then i might as well get her out of my life.. i cant accept a woman who is getting fornicated by someone else.. If she's like that, the only difference between her and a slut is the amount of damn money being spent on her.. cheaters are such a disgrace
I am a 32 year old male. I have stepped out on my wife of 12 years more times than I care to admit. I do love her however, honestly..sex with her is boring. Yes, I have tried to think of new ways to rekindle what was once there but the fact of the matter is I crave excitement. The woman I am other woman I am with now is also married and has been through the same broplems as I have. Our SO not only have a lack of sexual desire, they have made us feel like there is something wrong with us. My lover and I have no problems sexually. In fact she does everything I could have ever wanted. We make love almost everytime we see each other. Do I feel bad about stepping out on my wife..Yes however; as I said I've tried to talk about it with NOTHING changing. I have needs as well as other married men AND women and I'm glad I found someone I can take care of and that takes care of me. We take it to the next level and my life is good
I am a 32 year old male. I have stepped out on my wife of 12 years more times than I care to admit. I do love her however, honestly..sex with her is boring. Yes, I have tried to think of new ways to rekindle what was once there but the fact of the matter is I crave excitement. The woman I am other woman I am with now is also married and has been through the same broplems as I have. Our SO not only have a lack of sexual desire, they have made us feel like there is something wrong with us. My lover and I have no problems sexually. In fact she does everything I could have ever wanted. We make love almost everytime we see each other. Do I feel bad about stepping out on my wife..Yes however; as I said I've tried to talk about it with NOTHING changing. I have needs as well as other married men AND women and I'm glad I found someone I can take care of and that takes care of me. We take it to the next level and my life is good
I've read through almost all 83 comments. What I'm reading is a lot of anger and fingerpointing from people who've been cheated on and a lot anger and guilt towards their partners from people who've done the cheating.
What I'm NOT reading is anyone taking personal responsibility for their own feelings and lives and that's probably happening because I haven't read one response from anyone who's indicated they know how to communicate effectively.
This is what cheating is: filling in the gaps. Plain and simple.
If someone feels they aren't getting what they need from another person, then they'll find it elsewhere whether that's through the regular use of porn and masturbation, cybersex, an emotional affair, or physical sex with another person.
This is why people fill in the gaps:
One partner isn't meeting the other's needs. If one partner isn't meeting the other's needs, this is usually because (A) no one is telling anybody else what those needs are...or (B) they are telling them, but doing it ineffectively...or (C) they're telling them what the needs are, but the partner continues to refuse to meet them.
If you find yourself in scenario (C), then you are in the wrong relationship. I don't care how many children you have, how sick they are, how much you pay towards a mortgage every month, what a great mother/father your partner is, you fill in the blank. If you are in a relationship and you state to your partner that you are unhappy and not getting your needs met and your partner's response is anything other than: "I'm sorry, let's fix that" or "Let's go get counseling and work on this," then You. Are. In. The. Wrong. Relationship.
If find yourself in scenarios (A) or (B) then you need to find a counselor to teach you effective communication techniques. And your partner needs to go with you. And you both need to commit to learning these techniques. And if your partner refuses to go? Then scroll back up to what I said about scenario (C).
Relationships are work. They take effort. But there should also be some personal responsibility from each partner. If someone is cheating, it's usually due to the fact that the partner in primary relationship just doesn't give a cr@p anymore and/or is oblivious to the cheating partner's unhappiness. If someone is cheating, it's usually because s/he is either too incompetent to let the partner in the primary relationship know how unhappy they are, or they're expert excuse makers and very good compartmentalizers.
In other words, no one is right or wrong. It is what it is because the relationship has a lot of problems. So you either decide to forgive and work those problems out, or you decide maybe this isn't the person for you and you move forward with your life.
Life is about choices and the lessons we learn when we make those choices. Stay present, stay focused on reality, and be prepared to do the work necessary to keep things on track and the likelihood one person will stray from the other goes way, way down.
I really liked the (A), (B), (C) options. That's the way i saw it when it happened. However, i am still puzzled, not because i am not forgiving or not have any trust, but because all this 5 years that i have been with my boyfriend i always had a feeling that we try to work on relationship but something always blocks us.
I am not married. We have been together for five years. I am 25 and he is 27. I was his first girlfriend and for me he was the second. We were pretty inexperienced in sex both of us when we started. All these five years we never managed to have exciting sex because of a physical problem of his, called "phimosis".
For me it has been always very frustrating that he was refusing to get himself through a 20 min surgical operation, which could have improved our sexual life. I always had the feeling that he didn't like my body or my style, in general that i am not erotic enough for him and i was always blaming him for the bad sex we had.
I tried several times to discuss my needs and he was always leaving me with the impression that he will do something about it and that he likes me, but something was blocking him. At the end i started blaming myself, my body the way i look and thinking that he is with me because he is not so popular to women (also because of his phimosis) and that he stays with me because at least we are fiends and i understand him.
The previous 3 months he went through a period that he couldn't get any erection at all (he didn't mention anything to me). However i didn't pay so much attention to it because most of the times i want to have sex he is tired and wants to satisfy me but he doesn't finish(i was always thinking, he is doing that out of obligation, but he always claimed that he liked it). In addition he was saying that he was really stressed because of his work. He wasn't looking very well for long time so i pushed him to talk to me. He told me about his erection problem and he asked me to loose weight so that i would be more attractive to him (i am bit overweight, but i am in the current weight since the day he met me). I asked him to break up, because what he was describing was confirming the fears that i had since the beginning and i felt like he was trying all these years to fall in love with me although he was just seeing me as not good enough.
After that he said that all these months that he had no erection he was talking everyday with a girlfriend of his and that they finally had sex -they were sleeping together for 5 days. I felt completely stupid.
I tried to stop our contact, but he was calling me every day, saying that he loves me and he understood the fact that he was not listening to my needs and he now wants to take action on that. He did the circumcision two weeks after we broke up and he was sending to me porn movies and erotic stuff expressing in that way all the things he wants to try with me if i accept him back. About the other girl he explained a thousand times that he did that out of curiosity and he is not in love with her.
I accepted him back. At the moment he is very depressed (?). He is going through a kind of personality crisis, questing himself, his certainties, the way he was approaching life so far and saying that he had very childish manners in the past.
He is very confused and i have a feeling that he wants me to support him. On the other hand i am seeing this change as something positive for him and potentially for us, but i am scared that he could be just hiding behind me and he is not having the guts to face the life alone. This is the second time that is happening and i am afraid that it is not going to get us nowhere. My instinct tells me to stop this relationship. However the fact that he always lets me to be myself and we have been always communicating, discussing and listening each other no matter how difficult the things we were brining in for discussion were keeps me trying it with him. The only thing that we couldn't communicate really well was sex. They say that this is the mirror of the relationship and i am afraid whether i should look at it or not(?). He says that he wants to improve that (he started with the circumcision)and he asks me to lose weight,so that i can be part of his fantasies. Could that have been really the problem that brought us here? Or we are getting again into a vicious circle that will bring us to the same point? Maybe we are not in love in the first place, but we are good friends?(i have no doubt that this is the strongest part in our relationship and we both recognize it as something really important). Maybe we would like to be with somebody else and we are afraid to look for that?
I would really like to have your thoughts on my story if you have any.
I really liked the (A), (B), (C) options. That's the way i saw it when it happened. However, i am still puzzled, not because i am not forgiving or not have any trust, but because all this 5 years that i have been with my boyfriend i always had a feeling that we try to work on relationship but something always blocks us.
I am not married. We have been together for five years. I am 25 and he is 27. I was his first girlfriend and for me he was the second. We were pretty inexperienced in sex both of us when we started. All these five years we never managed to have exciting sex because of a physical problem of his, called "phimosis".
For me it has been always very frustrating that he was refusing to get himself through a 20 min surgical operation, which could have improved our sexual life. I always had the feeling that he didn't like my body or my style, in general that i am not erotic enough for him and i was always blaming him for the bad sex we had.
I tried several times to discuss my needs and he was always leaving me with the impression that he will do something about it and that he likes me, but something was blocking him. At the end i started blaming myself, my body the way i look and thinking that he is with me because he is not so popular to women (also because of his phimosis) and that he stays with me because at least we are fiends and i understand him.
The previous 3 months he went through a period that he couldn't get any erection at all (he didn't mention anything to me). However i didn't pay so much attention to it because most of the times i want to have sex he is tired and wants to satisfy me but he doesn't finish(i was always thinking, he is doing that out of obligation, but he always claimed that he liked it). In addition he was saying that he was really stressed because of his work. He wasn't looking very well for long time so i pushed him to talk to me. He told me about his erection problem and he asked me to loose weight so that i would be more attractive to him (i am bit overweight, but i am in the current weight since the day he met me). I asked him to break up, because what he was describing was confirming the fears that i had since the beginning and i felt like he was trying all these years to fall in love with me although he was just seeing me as not good enough.
After that he said that all these months that he had no erection he was talking everyday with a girlfriend of his and that they finally had sex -they were sleeping together for 5 days. I felt completely stupid.
I tried to stop our contact, but he was calling me every day, saying that he loves me and he understood the fact that he was not listening to my needs and he now wants to take action on that. He did the circumcision two weeks after we broke up and he was sending to me porn movies and erotic stuff expressing in that way all the things he wants to try with me if i accept him back. About the other girl he explained a thousand times that he did that out of curiosity and he is not in love with her.
I accepted him back. At the moment he is very depressed (?). He is going through a kind of personality crisis, questing himself, his certainties, the way he was approaching life so far and saying that he had very childish manners in the past.
He is very confused and i have a feeling that he wants me to support him. On the other hand i am seeing this change as something positive for him and potentially for us, but i am scared that he could be just hiding behind me and he is not having the guts to face the life alone. This is the second time that is happening and i am afraid that it is not going to get us nowhere. My instinct tells me to stop this relationship. However the fact that he always lets me to be myself and we have been always communicating, discussing and listening each other no matter how difficult the things we were brining in for discussion were keeps me trying it with him. The only thing that we couldn't communicate really well was sex. They say that this is the mirror of the relationship and i am afraid whether i should look at it or not(?). He says that he wants to improve that (he started with the circumcision)and he asks me to lose weight,so that i can be part of his fantasies. Could that have been really the problem that brought us here? Or we are getting again into a vicious circle that will bring us to the same point? Maybe we are not in love in the first place, but we are good friends?(i have no doubt that this is the strongest part in our relationship and we both recognize it as something really important). Maybe we would like to be with somebody else and we are afraid to look for that?
I would really like to have your thoughts on my story if you have any.
I have tried to talk to my wife about our sex life or lack there of. She never wants to talk about it and makes it seem like everything is OK when I haven't liked it for a few years now aain she always puts it off as no big deal. I am wrong for wanting to go find someone on the side that can "break me off" with what I need and feel I should have been getting all along.
Now heres the thing, my partner whom we have a fantastic sex life and love each other very much, but we dont live together nor do we talk about making a future togther its a in the moment relationship,(we have been togther for several years) he respects me on a very deep level and me him. Hes very creative, musical, artist and for him to find his creative vibe he needs outside women, these women mean nothing to him other than the chase and the sex, they only get the smallest part of who he really is they never get what he gives me. He always tells me if there is another women I always have the choose of walking away from what we have, but why would I ? he is interesting , challenging, different, intelligent and I am independent, strong and know my own value. We don't own our partners and its a hard call to expect someone to be faithful for the rest of their lives...I dont sleep round on him thats cause I have no need, but I know he wouldn't be upset if I did cause our bond is deeper than just sex.
WOW! I have read through most of the postings here and have GOT to add my comments. After a COMMITTED 17 year relationship (12 years of marriage and 5 years dating exclusively)...it all hit the fan. Cutting to the chase, I am now 37, still married with 3 kids (ages 8,4 and 2). Last year, I had a 9 month EVENT with a woman 11 years YOUNGER than me! The sex was the most INCREDIBLE thing that EVER happened to me. Who KNEW it could be SO F-ing GREAT !!!?!?! Simply put, we TOTALLY FELL head over heals in LOVE with each other. It was like being 17 again! One small detail I didn't mention: she is married with a child, too...I think we were a bit confused about TO WHOM we were married. Naturally, it ended badly between us, but I would do it AGAIN in a HEARTBEAT ! And never got caught!!! Post THAT!
Mr annoymous above, would it have been so great if your partner had found you out? For me its the dishonesty, that is distroying, at least for me and my partner its out in the open,even if it hurts I still always know what is going on and have the freedom of choice always. I know that while he tells me whats going on he's showing me respect....I am the annoymous above your comment,human relationships fascinate me.
My husband and i met when we were only kids we grew up together. Shortly affter we begain actuly dateing we decided to get married.We were both only 18 young and stupid. Before i could settel into my new adult my husband joined the army. I was all alone and barly knew what life was about.when he went to boot champ I began a short lived affair. Torwad the end of the littel trist i relized that this man did not really care about me .The affair thought me one of my most valuable life lessins.It taught me how wonderful my husband is and how rare a good man is . the affair actully strengthend my loyalty to him .I know that most cheating dose not end like this. But i think it gos to show that maybe we should not allways foccus on whats wronge and right but rather on how it molds us. my husband and i have now been together 15 years and are so vary in love. and i threw that affair know with out a doubt that the only place for me is beside him
As far as I’m concerned, I’ve never had an affair, but I’m sure that some of you might think that I have. A few years ago, I was in a long distance relationship with a boyfriend that I’d been with since high school. He had gone off to college, and I was staying in town to go to the junior college. I ended up becoming friends with a guy from one of my classes and we became really close pretty quickly. After about a year of friendship and a lot of problems with the boyfriend I had (he was very selfish and expected me to do all sorts of sexual stuff with him with no reciprocation). After awhile, I could see that I was falling in love with my friend, and that I was getting somewhat distant with my boyfriend. When it all came to a head, I realized that I wanted to pursue a relationship with my male friend, but did not really want to leave the boyfriend (even though he was not very good at being a boyfriend!).
So I talked to both of them, and we decided that they’d both be my boyfriends. For about two years, we ended up having this relationship that was exciting and full of drama and enjoyment, and of course all sorts of issues. But I noticed that they both benefited from having one another to play off of. Even though they weren’t interested in each other sexually, I feel that they really both learned something from competing with one another, and from working together as well. In a lot of ways, I feel that it made us all stronger as individuals. Eventually, the high school boyfriend and I parted ways, but we stayed friends for awhile before drifting apart due to personal reasons. I’m still with my friend, although we’re much more than that, and we’ve been together for over 5 years, married for almost 2. Even though I was his first everything (from kiss to sex to intimate relationship), he’s grown a lot, and is always open-minded about working towards improving for the future (as am I).
One of the things that I sort of miss having the other boyfriend there for was when my husband got depressed. It always seemed to be easier to convince him to feel better and get help for his depressive bouts when there was two of us to egg him on and support him through it.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from all these posts (and I’ve read all of them!) is that I need to get my tubes tied or something and NEVER have kids. Because it seems like marriages seem to be destroyed by the simple act of having a baby. That kind of makes me sad, because I’d like to have kids. But if that means that I’ll lose my relationship with my husband or with those I love, then I’m not willing to give that up!
If a woman has sex with a man and then the next day she has sex with a different man. Can that second man be able to tell if she was with someone else the day befoe?
I doubt that the second man can tell, unless you go with him on a regular basis and he picks up on your body language but that would only happen if you felt somewhat guilty about having sex with the other guy.
Every relationship is unique and has its own chemistry.
My story is not one of a sexual affair, though I think it did cross somewhat into the realm of emotional affair. It's a little different than everything else that's posted here, and I've learned a LOT from it. Although the story is not finished yet, the ending thus far has an interesting twist....
This is a story of exploring the limits of a platonic friendship - and my eyebrows getting singed. Thankfully so.
My wife and I had been married 18 years and we had a very obvious problem in our marriage, which was her reluctance to have sex. We believe this is due to past abuse issues which she has now begun to address. But for many years she was very afraid to face them; we made some efforts which were ineffective; for most of our marriage we kept that in the closet and we tried to ignore it and deal as best we could. But eventually push came to shove.
What was far less obvious were my own issues. Patterns of defensiveness and ignoring her; some fears of emo intimacy, which were directly feeding our physical intimacy problems. My issues were buried much more deep; one therapist we saw for a year and a half never really put her finger on mine. Most of those sessions were about my wife's stuff. But I knew something was up and was working with a couple of other therapists and I began to get a grip on those things. Yep, I've got issues too.
I've come to believe that there is usually a great deal of symmetry in marriages. If she's got a physical intimacy issue, he's probably got a corresponding emotional issue. Or vise versa. He's passive aggressive because she's controlling... she's silent because he's domineering; whatever the issue is, it manifests itself in the spouse's behavior.
What I'm saying is, for a long time we thought my wife needed to be "fixed" but it turns out I was just as badly in need of repairs. Spouses tend to be very well matched in terms of dysfunction. That's my opinion based on my observations, personal experience, and that of my friends.
I am also of the opinion that it is easier for a marriage to change when the husband starts working on his stuff, than if the wife takes the lead alone. It might sound chauvinistic but I think men need to lead. If they are willing to take the initiative, we men lead more easily than we follow.
So anyway here's what happened. I was starting to unpack my issues and one day in a counseling session something emotionally "came loose" inside of me and there was a major shift in my emotions. It was like a scab came off and a huge pocket of pus underneath started oozing.
For the next six months I was depressed and miserable and I was kind of an emotional tornado. All this was related to OCD's I've been working on. It was something that felt very healthy and necessary but it was also very sad and difficult. I suddenly had a pile of anger and sadness and rage to deal with - childhood / abuse stuff - and all my wife could do was sort of "get out of the way."
I felt VERY alone. I wanted her to support me and, to be honest, maybe even "mother" me but she was not capable of doing that. In retrospect I don't think she could have. I needed to go through this myself. The intensity of emotions I was going through, and my neediness, was off the charts. I was not very functional - I could barely get my work done every day. I was very antisocial. I probably spent an hour a day journaling and crying and venting.
I stayed in therapy but I found another VERY helpful resource, one of my female friends. She was basically an email buddy but I also knew her from church. She had been through sexual abuse counseling years ago, and basically dealt with stuff my wife was still avoiding. She proved to be an outstanding resource for explaining to me what was going on, not only with my wife but also with myself. A very gifted, empathetic person. An empath, really.
I started processing my stuff with her. Via email. It was SUCH a relief to be able to explain what was going on and have someone who was supportive and who understood. It was like oxygen. She was able to MATCH my emotional intensity. After awhile, my emails with her became like an addiction.
Now I knew that I was very emotionally vulnerable and that having a relationship like this with a female - hey pal, that's dangerous territory. I am fully committed to a monogamous relationship for LIFE, and I was NEVER unaware of the dangers of such a situation. So I got myself a safety net.
First of all, my wife was aware of everything that was going on. My email box was open and there was no secret communication, nothing going on 'under the table.' Text messages, emails, phone calls, in-person meetings, all of it available for scrutiny. My wife knew this was very helpful to me and she consented to it.
Second, I took my friend's husband out to dinner and made sure he was completely OK with it too, which he was. He knew his wife and I were discussing sex and emotions and all kinds of deep stuff.
Third, I told some of my friends from church, hey this is going on, and you're welcome to ask me anything you want to ask about it. Please check up on me. Please hold me accountable.
My wife and I agreed, it's OK for my friend to come over to the house and we can talk sometimes... sometimes my wife would go to bed and my friend would leave when we got done talking. A couple times my friend even slept on the air mattress in the basement and went home the next morning.
My friend and I never had any kind of inappropriate physical contact - beyond a hug or a handshake, nothing that wouldn't be OK in a room full of people.
Nonetheless over a period of months a very strong loving bond developed; many, many "twilight zone" types of things in common, kind of like another person had said on this thread; and even a literal psychic connection between the two of us. Where she would KNOW what was going on with me, even when I wasn't there. Something you could put on a chart and prove scientifically. I won't go into all the details, but it was SPOOKY. TRIPPY. A kind of relationship and psychic bond I've never had with anyone. Sort of glamorous in a strange way. I mean how many people have you ever had who can literally read your mind 1000 miles away?
This became an exercise in exploring the limits of what a platonic friendship between man and woman can and should consist of.
Was there sexual attraction? Yes, eventually. The first admission of this to each other was scary for her, because she thought as soon as any admission was made, I would either succumb to it (scary!) or end the friendship (scary!). I've always been very vigilant, almost paranoid, about keeping the physical touch dept. within proper bounds. But we got through that and basically said to each other, "OK, you're attractive to me, I'm attractive to you, but we're both monogamous so thanks for the compliment, now let's move on."
So the "box" we put this in was brother/sister. I'm the brother she never had; she's the sister I never had.
So for awhile we're talking about all my past stuff, she's the 'therapist' and I'm the 'patient' but in time it became two-ways.
She had things she wasn't done dealing with either. She began to tell me her abuse memories, things that had happened to her. Eventually I knew more about the darkest stuff in her past than anyone else, even her husband. Yet another strange layer of emotional (and you could even say sexual) intimacy. Not physical, but emotional.
Was this an emotional affair? Depends on who you ask. (Actually, if you have to ask.....) yeah, I think it probably was. But one without secrecy, because everything was out in the open. Maybe it was as much of an emo affair as one can have in broad daylight.
I continued to check in with my friends about this and they were cautiously OK. But my wife's friends were not so comfortable.
I came to feel very deep affection for my "sis" and we exchanged emails constantly.
One day she said something to me which was sexually provocative. The way it came across it was VERY inappropriate. If I give her the benefit of the doubt, she didn't mean it the way it sounded. I don't know what she truly intended, in her heart. But anyway I sent her a nastygram email about this and sternly warned her not to talk that way to me EVER again, it was too much like porn for my mind.
She reacted very defensively. She did apologize, but it was kind of a lousy apology. She got very angry at me for being so unkind about how I handled that and accused me of doing the same thing to her first. Now this wasn't a huge deal at the time but it triggered a series of conflicts and arguments that really never stopped. The beginning of a huge pattern.
No need to go into what all we were arguing about; just that it was VERY nasty fighting and it became a trap that I didn't know how to get out of. I loved her and she loved me but the patterns of argument and conflict were very severe. It was like this switch got flipped.
What slowly became apparent over a long period of time - and with conversations with a couple of therapists and some friends - is, the reason she and I had such a brother/sister like bond - the reason we could almost read each others' minds, the reason we could go so deep emotionally with such ease - is her family abuse patterns and mine were both so very similar. There was a deep, haunting familiarity there. It had a bright affectionate side, which was wonderful for several months; it also had a very dark side, eventually. She and I had arguments that were worse than any I ever had with my wife. It was pure misery. But I couldn't make it stop.
So my wife is watching this go on - actually this is just when it was beginning - and she says to me, "this is either better than any marriage therapy..." (because we were SO deep into my stuff, and it was obvious I was making headway on my issues, shedding light on them) "...or you're a lot closer to having an affair than you think."
She says to me: "Either you fix this or I will. And if I have to, it's not gonna be pretty."
Gulp. I said, OK, I'll fix it. So I called my friend, I said, "We're not going to communicate at all for 30 days, and after 30 days we're going to put this thing on a much more reasonable track and make sure we don't have to end this or something. We need to lighten up here."
That was a miserable 3 hour phone call. My friend was enraged that I would do this without consulting her. I gave her no choice. She went along with it but at the end of 30 days she was steaming MAD. The fighting went right back to where it had been, but WORSE. She had control issues and she did not like not being in control.
It took 2 weeks to make the fighting stop. After much effort I got her to agree to an outline of how we were going to be going forward, we were going to cut things down to a couple of emails a week, and yes, things were cut WAY back. She promised me, and I promised her, we're not going to fight about anything else anymore. We're putting all that stuff behind us.
Things seemed OK for awhile. Though our "psychic connection" continued and my wife's friends and even my own friends were increasingly uncomfortable with it. Again, I kept no secrets from anybody.
You might be noticing the importance of friends and accountability and the lack of secrecy here.... I think if you're keeping secrets, you're headed for trouble. If you deliberately choose NOT to keep secrets, your ship will probably eventually right itself.
OK, so the fighting was ended. We had a wonderful reconciliation and exchanged forgiveness. But... Eventually things blew up again.
Here's what happened: I was feeling very conflicted about this. The psychic connection, the special affection we had for each other; my wife was sort of resigned to it but unhappy about it; I couldn't decide whether it was right or wrong. One of my wife's friends confronted me and told me she thought I needed to let go of it.
I couldn't decide, couldn't tell what was right or wrong.
So I prayed to God. I prayed, "God, please give me CLARITY. CLARITY, please."
TWO DAYS LATER, the anger, the accusations, everything else came back full force in a nastygram email from my friend. Things had been peachy for a month and a half and she had promised to ask questions and not blame or accuse; to be kind and not judgmental; but all that went out the window. The conflict was back. My friend was not going to let go without having an argument first.
(My wife had told me, it would come back. In my optimism I hadn't believed her.)
It culminated in a recent phone call where I got my friend to agree to a 6 month SILENCE between the two of us, and at the end there will be an opportunity for each of us to make apologies and later decide what kind of friendship we're going to have.
The promise to not fight, my friend had broken it. She started the fighting, I didn't and it was nasty. Verbally and emotionally abusive.
MOST of the trust we had has therefore been lost. She made a solemn promise to me and she broke it. I was very hurt, but the pain of having that happen to me made it a LOT easier for me to decide to suspend our friendship. My eyebrows got singed again, and after the 3rd time, eventually you start to get smart.
I said to myself: "Hey, Self, this is an emotionally abusive, high-maintenance relationship. Maybe this is not really worth it."
Which is where we are now. My wife is now comfortable with where things are at (though she is still apprehensive about what might happen in six months). This is the first time she's really been comfortable with it.
All along my wife could have told me to end this friendship and I would have. But my wife prefers to let me make my own decisions and I think her trust in me is warranted. The safety net I created did its job.
Nonetheless she has still been very hurt by this. Also she has really begun working on her own issues. I think there may even be an ingredient of my relationship with my friend spurring her to take a closer look at her issues and consider how valuable our marriage is to her.
Meanwhile I have had some profound realizations.
Many months into this friendship it occurred to me that my friend is a LOT like my mother. Not obviously, on the surface, but on the interior emotional level, very similar. Similar affection patterns; similar anger and control patterns. I respond to her in very similar ways.
The pattern is: She is a controller, I am an enabler. She gets angry takes out her frustrations on me, emotionally; I take the blame (even for things I have not done!) and do whatever I can to stay in the relationship and make it work. Badly co-dependent. It is EERILY similar to things that went on in my childhood.
When I was a kid, my mom went bipolar. When my friend was a kid, her dad was a functional alcoholic. Our platonic friendship turned emotionally abusive, in ways very similar to our respective junior high years.
I started working even more intensively with my therapist because ALL my darkest childhood stuff was getting pulled to the surface. Suddenly a lot of feelings and old emotions that were kind of buried, old wounds, brought into fresh light. Feeling all those same feelings again. Reacting to them the same way I did the first time, making the same mistakes, but now as an adult able to get help and see them with fresh eyes.
Every day I do journaling and work through my own stuff and it's helping. I'm healing. I've made a LOT of progress.
I'm through the most difficult part of mourning the loss of this friendship. It meant a great deal to me, it was very special. We may be able to be friends again but it will never and can never be as intimate as it was. Too volatile, too threatening to my marriage, too much emotional energy. Too high maintenance. But whatever happens I will dearly love my friend, even from afar, as a sister. I will pray for her and have fondness for her. She has a special place in my heart, even if we don't or even can't talk anymore. Even if I don't feel safe with her. Yep... kind of like a real sister.
Essentially I've made this into a laboratory for my own self healing. Double duty, though - working through the stuff inside my marriage; and in this platonic, overheated relationship with my friend, at the same time. I can't fix her but I can try to fix myself.
My wife has not enjoyed this process one bit but she does have a real appreciation for the accelerated nature of my learning in all this. She trusts me to make mature decisions about this friendship going forward.
Because of the things my friend has done and some of her behavior patterns - and the extreme familiarity - I'm about 50% sure my friend has a streak of bipolar. There's this Jekyl/Hyde pattern of going from extreme affection to rage, blame and accusation that is VERY hurtful.
I took all of that very, very personally, it took me a couple of months to get over it. And it also took me quite awhile to realize, this might not just be some character flaw, this might be a bipolar issue and maybe I shouldn't take it so personally. I think because of our closeness I have an ability to trigger her issues that even her own husband does not have.
One naturally thinks about things like, "What if I were married to this other person instead of the spouse that I have?"
Sometimes it takes a lot of time and insight before you begin to understand what the answer really is. Why the grass, in actual fact, really is not greener. In this case it is not.
By the way there is much symmetry between my friend's marriage and mine. My wife and her husband are very alike in certain ways. Certain patterns in both our marriages are similar. I feel that her husband is the RIGHT person for her and my wife is the RIGHT wife for me, that things were meant to be that way. Because despite my frustrations with my marriage - despite my friends' frustrations with hers - I can see very clearly that our respective spouses have been extremely supportive in ways that my friend and I could NOT have supported each other were WE married to each other. Honestly I think we might kill each other. Or, if we worked our our issues, we would still have a very stormy, up/down relationship. As compared to the relatively peaceful / tranquil marriages that she and I both have apart.
I also have to set a boundary and not subject myself to verbal and emotional abuse. One of the areas where I've learned a LOT is boundaries. I realized my boundaries were weak. I've been seeing where both my boundaries and hers have been weak, and that we had gotten into a codependent relationship and didn't even realize it until the fighting started.
In some ways it was kind of like a love addiction, which you can look up. Some of the symptoms of that. That's perhaps the reason for my friend's anger when we were silent for 30 days. Possibly similar to some patterns the relationship I had with my mom years ago.
Untangling, untangling, untangling.
I don't know what kind of friendship my friend and I will have 6 months from now. If she's not willing to own up to her side of things and make some serious apologies, it might not be all that much of a relationship. I have very little trust in her, though I still love her dearly.
Also, there is no way that this friendship can be allowed to consume the amount of attention and emotional energy that it received earlier when the fighting was going on - or for that matter, even when we got along. It was too intimate, it was a threat to our marriage.
My wife is very supportive of me as I deal with all these feelings I'm sorting out. She is, like I said, in therapy and working on her own stuff and things are headed in a good direction.
My therapist said to me, maybe it's good that this nasty childhood stuff you're dealing with got hashed outside of your marriage instead of inside. Inside, it would have been even worse.
Maybe that's true. I'm also thankful the fighting started in the first place, because if there had been no conflict and everything was STILL peachy, I think I would today be finding myself in a very emotionally intimate relationship that I wouldn't have the will to bring to an end. It could easily destroy my marriage and my beautiful family. I am THANKFUL that my friend and I had these issues.
Furthermore I think what attracted us to each other was that, on some level, we knew there was a complementary need for emotional healing, that we could be each others' emotional sparring partner. That our intensity levels could match.
The sparring has been done. Perhaps there will be more sparring in the future but if there is, it will be only if it can be done under the close supervision of pastors, friends, and full consent and knowledge of our spouses.
I have gained ENORMOUS respect for my wife because she has been a saint in all of this.
My advice to anyone who's in some sort of emo affair or too-close platonic friendship: Get help and advice from people who support not your impulses or your frustrations, but your commitments, your children, your marriage, and your marriage vows. Pray and get prayer and be completely honest with yourself and your spouse.
These men generally do not want to discuss the details of their sex outside the relationship. Yet, almost uniformly their mates definitely want to know. Getting this information seems to help them feel less insecure, even though the details of the secretive sex contain information that hurts to learn. <<<----- Maybe the "therapist" and author should clarify this statement. Men don't want to discuss their sexual trysts with YOU, your THERAPIST, or anyone else that doesn't feel the same way as they do about them. I guarantee that if you were around when they are talking to their buddies about said experience you would hear all you'd ever need to know about what went where and when, and in great detail. Men and women in this day and age view sexual relationships very differently than they did in the days of our parents. If your husband cheats on any of you I hope you realize that it is a flaw in his character and not your own. Consider this if you will: Would your husband be as understanding and willing to take you back if it was you who'd cheated? Unless could can tell me with 100% certainty that he would forgive you that offense I wouldn't even consider giving him a second chance. Of course, if both of you are cheating on each other I would hope you'd rethink your marriage.
Also, how many men do you think will ever read this article as opposed to view Asian bondage porn? Wake up ladies. Only you can do something about this!
Okay, first, I like porn, and I like it a lot. I have also been happily married for 6.5 years. I honestly don't understand the readers who consider pornography to be cheating. With that kind of logic, simply watching a football game would be considered the equivalent of playing the sport itself. And certainly not everyone that watches football actually wants to play it. That assumption makes no sense. What I look at on a computer screen has zero effect on my feeling towards my wife.
I love my wife to death, and would never dream of hurting her, but the sex isn't what I'd hoped it would be. We were "good boys and girls" while we were dating, and tried to keep the intercourse to a minimum, so neither of us knew exactly what it would be like when there were no restraints. Turns out my wife is much more conservative. So be it.
For me, pornography fills that gap that exists in our relationship.
However, I know, KNOW, that I will never cheat on her, no matter what desires I may have. I know this because it's just... freakin'... SEX. It's a stupid animal instinct designed for the sole purpose of perpetuating the species. I ~WILL NOT~ be ruled by something so primitive. I'm better than that, and my wife deserved better. It appears to me that the majority of these posters have willpower issues.
just found out my 44 y/o bf is bi-curious, in the closet, having secret online affair. I told him I knew- he denied it. I am humiliated. I broke it off with him several times, but he will not go away. Until I found all this out-I felt something was "different" with him. Now I know. So why does he bother to stay in a relationship when he could be free and explore and enjoy himself? Is he really gay and it's a show for the family? Does he really care about me. He wants to have kids with me. It's really confusing. He is really good to me other than this issue.
I read an email from my husband to a women giving the days I worked so the could have a "meeting" He even mentioned NOT wanting to wear a condum. I no longer feel attractive or sexy. I've neveer done anything like this, but I took an entire bottle of mustle relaxers to no avail. Even after a year, I still cry ALL the time and just want this pain to end.
Wow! Heavy subject. First, an enormous number of people stay in a marriage ONLY FOR THE SAKE OF THE KIDS. If after several years you realize you are never going to be compatible with your spouse (especially as a result of the person he or she is now, that she did not show prior to the wedding) we are called cheaters and are hated. But if we shunned our responsibilities to our kids and divorced; all of the sudden we are eligable bachelors, and isn't he or she a great prospect. I beleive most of the pain you feel is from insecurity, as though you have somehow been wronged. Many times the offender is trying to do his or her best to make you happy while fullfilling their committments as a parent and eventually decides to finally meet a little of their own needs. As for the God issue; read your Old Testiment. If you had hundreds of wives, and thousands of concubines, you were considered blessed (I do prefer the one wife myself, but when your miserable, be responsible with who and what you do outside). I love my kids and I care about my wife as a longtime friend. Hope this sheds a little light and puts some of you at ease.
what if there are no children, what the reason to stay in a relationship where one is always sneeking around to sample something else. I found out what he wanted in the bedroom and told him I was willing to try. But he keeps puting it off. I have caught him trying to hook up with other women through the internet and of course he denies this too. Just dont understand why he wants to be with me is all. We're not married and have no children.
My husband is a real winner. We have been married for over a year and he has admitted to kissing another women in my own house. Of coarse her story is different. In her story they actually had sex. We got through that.
I know have to go get checked because I think he has transmitted Herpes to me from another source.
The odd thing is that he has 2 children with his ex-wife and 1 with me. His ex-wife got herpes after their devorce. He was checked and had a clean bill of health. Same with me when the birth of my son came about. Now I have servier discharge and a sore in my private. I have never slept around on my husband. I only sleep with him. How would I get this?
I guess my point is once a cheater always a cheater. If you keep then around sooner or later they will bring something home that you wont be able to wash off. I feel so stupid............
I've only been married for 2 years together for 4 and I'm ready to fly the coop as men are men and they all take classes in the bate and switch tactics class! I've had the opportunity to have secretative sex, I really wanted to but I retained myself. My marriage is ending but not becuase of that. I think too much enfausses is put on sex in a relationship, and I think that maybe if we all took a step back and was maybe 25% less selfish outtakes on things like relationships and sex, and work places might be different. I also think that we might all be happier. sorry must stop train of thought here as husband is picking a fight.... 5 more somethings until i can take those steps out the door to my new life!
I have been married for 31 years. Eight years ago, my husband had an affair for nearly a year. I found out, and it ended. We stayed together for the sake of the kids, and later, I forgave him. For the past three years, I have been fighting a new demon, cybersex. He gets pre-paid phones and carries on relationships with as many women as he can, while all the time acting like the devoted family and Church going man. Our sexual relationship has been wonderful the whole time. I have about had it with the whole thing, and have tried to understand what would make an otherwise good man act in such a self-destructive way. Does he honestly think he's not hurting anyone else?
Anonymous
I have been with my fiance for 3yrs a year in we split 4mos and got back together(his choice)after he chased me told me i was the only one, flowers, the works. when i was away on holiday with my best friend he cheated on me, of course i didnt find out till months later which during that time he slowly became a complete ass to me accussing me of cheating on him constantly asking me to recount for every moment we where apart even though he ended it! i finally told my best friend about the acusations againt me and that i thought he had to of and he did and he during the uninformed time he hung out with her and took me around her the whole time i asked him did you ever do anything her b/c i just had a feeling to top it all off he had it was his best mates ex-girlfiend, they dated 3yrs recently! Well of course thats how i got my engagment ring because he didnt want me to leave after hestation i accepted hoping that it was just that one time f-up, well it wasn't! 6months later he gets a strange phone call and hides it goes to the bathroom to even call the ho back that knew he had a girlfriend but not that he was engaged and had been? well i called and talked to her and he had actully had been talking to both of us at the bar one night keeping us away from each other. well of course i went back and checked his emails and found girl1 emails from our first relationship of them hooking up then which when i confronted him he had nothing to say about still to this day has never answered why they where there.
so now we're still together but he resents the hellout of me b/c of my pretty warrented reactions to those situtions, he holds off our marriage b/c i dont trust tells me hes going to leave me, breaks things, screams at me, calls me names, leaves for hours at a time & won't answer the phone or account his where abouts, adding on if he sees one of my 2 exs he treats me like crap and grips me out for having a relationship with someone 8yrs ago? but i should trust him?
all of this has really screwed up my life and my emotional well-being its actully hard for me to reason leaving him! at that I'm considered pretty good looking,well dressed, smart,funny, good to humans,animals,the enviroment and pretty welloff.
i was just writing this for someone else who has just expericed this for someone they love you can take them back but theres only 2 outcomes,good,it was a one time screw-up and they really want to love you the right way & go to therapy. or bad,most causes end like mine,they will do it again and hurt over and over again in everyway possible because they may "LOVE YOU"but these people dont know how to love somone right way, they have problems and if you stay with them they will make you to be their problem it will be all your fault, your fault that everything wrong done to you is because you make them that way.
dont do it leave them because you know how they acted b4 the cheat its just going to get worse after because they have emotional screwed problems,like they are usually selfish & immature. they need to fix themselfs before promising a relationship to someone else!
ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER IN SOME WAY!
My wife and I have been married 35 happy years. We have raised 4 well adjusted children. We have good sex often. We love each other. However, she likes to have sex with other men sometimes. I do not feel a need for sex with other women. I do not discourage this behavior or incourage this behavior.It does not bother me one way or the other as long as she is happy and our relationship is committed emotionally to each other.
I love my girl friend very much, gave her my master bedroom to use, pay her meals, all her holiday expenses and send her to work almosy daily. She is always secretive, lock herself in the room and on internet with all her male friends/ex lovers. She never admit she is wrong, when she wanted to buy an apartment, I wanted to help her and when i asked her who much she has, she said non of my business... she asked me to go to a concert but she just disappeared an left me standing at the staircase. I can't tell my friends, they will hate her and call me an idiot so this blog helps me release my sadness. I am not into affairs as I believe in true love and staying faithful.BTW, I am good looking, well educated, financially sound,kind and generous. I just can't trust her and no matter how painful must leave her. She has no respect for me, kept all her friends away from me...while I introduce all my friends to her.
Yes emotional affairs are hard to overcome. Thankfully, it never became physical but I do have trust issues and we are going to counseling. We love eachother very much so I believe we will be ok.
For the person who discussed "swinging" earlier: Marriage is a committed relationship, if you are going to swing then file for divorce. Ridiculous comments made and obviously there is not a religious bone in your body.
I never thought of being the cheating one, but, in the past out of weakness, I did indeed falter. I was in the affair, for about 4 months, after awhile, it only made me depressed. I ended it, told my husband out of guilt, but of course not revealing the source. It has always been very important to me not to hurt the other person, for a mistake that I brought about on my own. At that time, I never thought I would put my self in that same position again, neither do I think it is right. I've thought about it agin at times in the past, but denied myself,for wanting to do the right thing. Latley, I revealed to that certain someone, how for quite sometime now, I was attracted to them. For awhile, this person hesitated, stating he was a happy married man ,& has not ever, but to keep asking. As time went on, after several hesitations, he told me it had been a long time since he had received a pass, so he thinks now he would take me up on it! We then afterwards had many conversations on the matter, telling me he wanted &wants to be with me, but he was scared. We shared a kiss a "Good One"! I think I must have scared him off, & he said he couldn't, & had been rude to me. I had hurt for a long time after this, because, we had been talking so many times before about it. I told him later,how I felt & he said it was him not me & he never ment to hurt me he wanted to be friends.- for now! Said if he would, that it would be with me. So he started comming around with flirting with me again, & I let him into my heart once agian. So, I asked him lately, that when I went back to work, if he would start seeing me. He asked what that had to do with anything? I told him the better convieness of course! He matter a factly said "No", he didnt think he could. I am once again so hurt & confused! I know he is very attracted to me, & cant harly keep his hands off me, but, he doesnt give me direct answers, & its killing me, because although I can tell he realy likes me I just wish he would at least let me know that he was still thinking of being with me! It has mad me to be so very depressed! It seems that it is not hard for him to foget about me, but I cant stop thinking of him from the time I get up to the time I go to sleep, that if I do get to sleep. I think I am deeply in love ,but could never tell him so, for fear of realy loosing him.I just hope he comes around again, he is the only one I would feel comfortable having an affair with. This may sound pathetic to you, the reader, but I am love sick, & just needed someone to share it with! If there be any of you out there that has been through this same type of situation, & that person did eventualy give in, when you had almost lost hope, please, send me your commints. Thank you!
How do you get over the fact your wife of 11 years and your best friend start seeing each other on the sly? How do live with the fact that even though she is staying with me she really wants to be with him, but she knows that they can't make it financially. The emptiness and lonliness is at times unbearable. Walking around in a daze. At times I have to remind myself to breathe. I found out that it started almost 2 years ago, but have known for sure since July and it hasnt gotten any better yet. She syas she loves me and that we need to "work on it", but I do all the talking, and she gives me nothing. The betrayal of the 2 favorite people in my life is not able to be put into words. She says that it's over, but I been told that for the last 2 months, and they contact one another. How can you love someone and hate them so much at the same time? I am absolutely consumed by all this.
You can't wreck a happy home.
-"the other woman"
I am the one who had cheated. I regret each and everyday of my life. I was in a relationship with my boyfriend for about 3 1/2 years. I finally woke up one day and realized that I was not happy. I was sick of the way he was treating me and talking to me and never being around. I tried to talk to him, calling, sitting him down. he was always too busy to talk to me or always had to be somewhere. I even tried writing him a card figuring he would read it and realize that we needed to talk. It remained unopened 4 months after the fact. Each and every day I found myself falling more and more out of love wiht him. I confided in one of his "friends" and his friend preceeded to sweet talk me and whatever else came out of his mouth. I ended up cheating on my boyfriend with his "friend". He never knew about it, I never told him. I ended it after about 3 weeks with his "friend". I just recently told my boyfriend about it and we have broken up. We still talk every day, and I hoping to one day work it out. I do love him, I understand that what I did was completely wrong, I was just sick and tired of feeling the way I had felt for so long. My EX is now saying that I need to have some kind of repercussion for my actions and he is asking my to come up with what punishment I feel that I deserve. I feel that my punishment is not being with him right now. It drives me insane to not spend time with him and be with him the way I used too. Is there any suitable repercussions for the cheater??? I am not sure that there is. I am aftraid if I don't give him an answer I am going to end up losing him forever. I don't want that. HELP!!!!!
I have been with my husband 2 1/2 years.. we have 2 wonderful kids and some how in the middle of things we lost each other.. we had been married 6 months when he cheated by sleeping with not one but two girls. and one was a girl i dont even like.To top it all off at the time i was pregnant with our second child. (i guess me being fat again was just to much) I felt so grows like it was me. I took him back and seems like every 6 months he does something..talks to another woman, doesnt know what he wants, if he wants me i just dont know what to do anymore. I tried to leave but with two kids under 2 thats hard to do alone. I love him more than anything but still i shouldnt have to do this..
I have been with my boyfriend for 2yrs and i have cheated on him three times ...i'm not pround of it but i really thinks that he is cheating on me...i know two wrongs donot make a right..i was very hurt and i thought that it would make me feel better but i feel worst! i found text messages from females in his phone about how good it was last ight and how they can't wait to give it to him again..so should i tell him what i did and also let him know that i saw the text messages on his phone? or should i just walk away from this relationship? even though i love him to death..what should i do??
have been with my husband for 24 years and married 16. just found out he has been having an affair for the last month. i feel so hurt cant get images of him and the other woman out of my head. dont know what to do cant understand why he did it everything has been fine in our relationship. he said he has not stopped loving me that i have done nothing wrong just that even though we were together he felt alone. im so scared of how i feel. trying to hold it together so the kids dont notice that something is wrong. i cant believe he has done this to us. he so upset for hurting me. i found out as he got a text from her just after our anniversary.help how do i get through this.
we r married for 2 years.have a 7 months old daughter.my husband was caught for prostitution.my life has been a hell since then. though we r living together for my baby sake but we have no intimacy ..no sex life for the past 1 year.
where will i go if i divorce him....am now scared if he has any STD....
I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years. I just recently found out he's been cheating on me. 2 months ago we had a beautiful son, he was cheating on me through my entire pregnancy. He told me the reason he cheated on me ws because his financial status was going down the drain, to the point he was having trouble paying his bills and the girl he was seeing behind my back was paying all his bills. Hence, the restaurant I worked for went out of business 3 months into my prgnancy, and my boyfriend said, "love you don't have to get a job while being pregnant! Don't stress yourself and the baby, just relax, I'll handle the bills."
Well we reconciled. But I can never forgive him, I've just learned to accept what happened and put it in the past. It's tragic and I felt set up but I'm a strong women and my son deserves to be raised by both parents, especially if there's a chance the love can be rekindled.
However, so far he's apologized for everything and does realize what he did was completely wrong and unneccessary, so everything is working out.
But his excuse for cheating was pathetic! We have a wonderful sex life so it goes to show everyone that there is an abundance of different reasons why people cheat.
cheating only matters when your the one being cheated on. and this is tragic.
I've been married for 7 years now and have 2 children, and so far our sex life is great. I married my wonderful husband when I was 19 years old. And you know sometimes I do ask myself, how will it feel to have sex with someone else that is not him, or how would it feel to kiss someone else that is not him. Before we married, we both promised if we ever felt the urge to cheat or have an affair, we were going to let one another know. I myself do not understand why people cheat, why would you ever want to hurt that person whom you fell in love with, why would you want to hurt your children with a bitter divorce. Have respect for one another and let your spouse know how you feel. You will save yourself stress, guilt, heartache, worries your going to be caught, and etc.
I've been with my husband for 7 years but just been married for 2 we have 2 adorable sons and i would do anything for them but to stay in relationship just for them would be hard if there were cheating involved and no sex and comunication between us. My husband has never cheated on me and hope he never does cuz i dont know if i would b able to forgive him.
im a married 29 year old woman,i dont cheat on my husband as far as penetration but i do have a friend(just a friend)whom i call when i need to get off and he will eat me until i orgasm and then when im done he takes care of himself i dont touch or fondle him nor do i perform oral on him he just gets me off and thats it, reason being my husband is incarcerated has been for the last 5 years with 2 more 2 go.HELP ME PLEASE my friends tell me "EATING AINT CHEATING"and my friend tells me he just loves to eat my pussy and hes fine with the fact that i dont do anything for him
I am 45 and my husband is 65, we have been married for 8 months and since we married I am always told "no" with relations with him, but when he is ready I am to be. It hurts me, we talked about it and he said that's just how it is going to be. I said I have feelings too. He said you heard me....I am sad with this situation but I love him so much. I will never cheat, don't even think about it, but I am frustrated. I ask him if it is me, or have I done anything wrong for him to back off, he said "no, it's not you"....He does hold me every evening and everynight, but I am not allowed to do anything else and it makes me frustrated.
response to the "other woman"
"cant wreck a happy home"...???
Well then I take it you are confident in meddling in any relationship seeing as not a single one is perfect. That is a disgraceful comment as well as a pathetic mentality. The only justice is that if that is how things are, then it will end up happening to the homewrecker too.. who obviously doesn't have the good of the relationship at mind, so how could hers be good?
For all you cheaters out there: If you want out of your marriage then have the nerve to get a divorce. Do you really think your doing your spouse a favor by lying, cheating, deceiving? What comes around goes around. You'll get yours sooner than you know. My husband was cheater and he'll probably cheat on his new girlfriend but now I have the most wonderful and loyal man I could ever ask for. I only wish I could have gotten rid of the husband a lot sooner. So remember, all of you who enjoy cheating, just leave us. We get over it and are much happier for it. You're not worth it at all.
If height varied as much as sex drive there wold be people walking around 40 feet tall with others only 6 inches tall.
i have been involved in both kinds of affairs.(been the cheater as well as being cheated on) All I can say is that it would certainly be a lot nicer world if people could accept their spouses "cheating". As old Bill Shakespeare put it... "Nothing is good or bad but thinking makes it so." My advice is if you are gonna cheat try harder not to get caught....try to understand why they are cheating....try to forgive and forget. I have seen many situations where cheating didn't work but I've also seen many where it did contribute greatly to everybodies happiness.
I was cheated on in the worst way. I knew about it and overlooked it. I asked my SO before we got too involved if he wanted to be friends with benefits or exclusive. He wanted us to be exclusive and asked me to cut all others out of my life, which I did, for him. I am not arrogant but I am slim, been told I am attractive, having been hit on by many baseball players and other drop dead good looking atheletes. This man has a face only a mother can love, but he had everything else, so I thought, that I ever wanted and I was very captivated by that. He started with the cyber cheating and then cheated on me for real with a 300 pound woman with a face only a mother could love who is very messed up. At one time he had proposed to both of us and had us both thinking we were going to marry him. He kept putting us each on a pedastal and then on his shit list. It has been a real roller coaster ride. I have come to learn and strongly believe that he suffers from borderline personality disorder - he has all the symptoms. I don't believe good honest people cheat. I am coming to find that cheaters seem to have serious mental health issues. If you cheated, consider how low you felt in your situation and you may find clinical depression there. If you don't even care about your SO, it may be boderline personality disorder or even worse. Good healthy people don't cheat. Period. If you are not happy about something, talk with your significant other. You might be surprised about how far he or she is willing to go to make you happy before you cheat.
I like the guy who posted the A,B,C options.... they're right... if you tell your SO you aren't getting your needs met and has done nothing to try to fix it, what else do you do? Listen, I am literally stuck in a relationship that he will not let me just go, nothing physical, he just wn't give me a divorce after 3 years of trying to get him into counselling. Between my family, my 2 kids and the fact that I am a stay at home mom, the only way out is through a divorce, I have no other means right now to give me options...(i have been looking for steady work for 2 years to no avail)A few months ago I ran into an old friend and for the first tim in 13 years I had butterflies...t felt too right to be wrong. We began seeing each other very casually, and the truth is I have never been happier. The other man knows the situation and has his own children, no wife, but we both know that it will not go anywhere unless I become single, and we are both fine with that...i know that for whatever reason he is in my life now, and I am thankful for that, but nobody knows what the future will bring. We both needed each other at this point in time, that's what brought us together. If you had asked me 2 yrs ago if there was a chace for my marriage to be fixed I would have said, absolutely, but in the time since he has just told me that there's no reason to go to counseling, and he doesn't think this can work... but i have sat around long enough, he keeps me in emotional limbo and has no response when I tell him I can't even be attracted to a man who thinks so little of my feelings. So, I have to say there is really no shame in my game....I even told him over a year ago that I just couldn't bring myself to kiss him...also told him that I was willing to try to get back to that place but he wasn't interested. So now we both have a relationship that we want, he has the wife that stays home and does everything, and I have 1 or 2 nights a month that someone actually makes me feel like a woman again. When you have gone over 3 years without passion, romance and sex, you beome starved for affection, I am surprised I have held out as long as I did, he probably hasn't, but then again, I don't really care.
My wife and I have been married for over 40 years and are in our late 50's. As you can tell, we got married as teenagers. About 7 years ago, we were "seduced" into the swinger's lifestyle by another couple who had been involved for more than 20 years. The experience was frightening and FUN. It made us examine our love for each other, our relationship to each other, and sexual appeal for each other. What we discovered was that there really is a difference between sex and love and we truly have come to know that difference.
We know that our love for each other will never be replaced but we also know that our sexual enjoyment has never been higher. We have met some wonderful and outstanding people in the lifestyle and while we know it isn't for everyone, it has become truly satisfying for us.
About 10 years ago I was diagnosed with diabetes. I suffer from ED because of this disease and medication that I am required to take. I certainly didn't want to see my lovely wife not be able to continue to have the enjoyment of wonderful sexual satisfaction because of my physical limitations. I sincerely enjoy seeing her having sexual fun and the most enjoyable part of the evening is when she looks at me during sex with another man or woman and tells me how much she loves me. Then afterwords, when we are alone, she is able to show that love to me in a very erotic and stimulating way even though I often have trouble (even with medication) having a normal erection during these sexual sessions.
It isn't just one sided on her part. We are sometimes with another couple and everyone loves the flirtation and emotional stimulation that goes with the anticipation of the evening even though I often tell them of my sexual disfunction.
We have often thought that most people who are not in the lifestyle have trouble contemplating such a relationship because they have not been able to separate their feelings of "ownership" vs true love. When you love someone you don't OWN them. Being possessive usually means that there is a sense of self-doubt that becomes manifested in feelings of possessiveness or "ownership."
As a trained Counselor (I have a Master's in Counseling) I have often seen extramarital affairs ruin a potentially wonderful marriage because partners can't get past the difference between love and sex. What a shame!
If you believe in God and religion (which we do)then you also know that we were made sexual creatures by the very nature of how our bodies have been developed. Being in the lifestyle hasn't cause us to love our God any less. We are still good people. We still love and respect each other. We are still wonderful parents and grandparents (no, our kids don't know) and we still know how to behave appropriately in public settings and in private rendezvous sessions. We give to charity, perform community service, and still go to church. As stated earlier, we know that this lifestyle isn't for everyone but we truly wish that couples could have open discussion about their desires and beliefs when it comes to sex in their marriage. Most men and women wouldn't cheat if they could learn to communicate in a more open manner. Swinging may not be for everyone but more open communication would allow for couples to better work out their sexual differences and hopefully find true sexual enjoyment again whether it is in a monogomous relationship or one that allows for the openess found in the lifestle.
I think that everyone needs to face facts that no one is perfect. I've read comments that people enjoyed their affairs and others whereas people judged the others.
No one can judge except GOD!!
Everyone is human and everyone can make mistakes. So,don't judge someone's situation, pray that they will find a better way and forgiveness for their sins.
How incredibly sad. Even the title of the article is sad. What a horrible world we inhabit.
I am 22 years old, have a girlfriend of 4 years, and I never want to be married. Thank you to all of these intellectuals who have opened my eyes to the harsh reality of what some people call love.
I'm 23 and I've been with my man for 7 yrs now. I trust him more than he trusts me and hes cheated on me like a billion times . as for the last comment from webmd I can see how true that is.It was mostly in the first 3- 5 yrs of our relationship we have 2 kids and a house now only cause I saved him from himself and loved him through all the bullshit he's put me through.Also I find that He cheated on me more frequently when we were having sex 2 to 5 times a day as to the past few yrs when we have sex like twice a week. So all the comments that therapy and saving a relationship is a waste of time I do not agree with . But then again what he dont know wont hurt him lol but then again he probably has the same attitude. Twice a week I'm 23 X( hes 35 now and ready to settle down wiith his little 20yr old hehehe anyway point is were happy now and I've been to hell and back .
I am very interested in the comment "we started swinging and it was the best thing that every happened to my marriage and me." We have been married for 16 years and I think this would really help, but I really do not think I could ever convince my wife of this - bring this up would most likely have very negative consequences. Are there any good selling points of this you can share?
i've been with my husband 15 yrs and he's cheated on me many times and this idea that men cheat b/c their wives aren't intimate w/ them is a stupid lie. i have sex w/ my husband everyday and he still has to roam? we have 3 wonderful kids and now he has a newborn w/ one of his affairs. i gave that man my whole life and this is how he thanks me, cheating does nothing but HURT, if u want to be with someone else, just leave, how can people be so stupid?
I just found my boyfriend of 2 years posting ads on Sugardaddy.com and craigslist outlining exactly the type of empy sexual affair he was in the market for...The shock, pain and horror were like nothing I could imagine.
I confronted him and he said he was sorry, confused, that nothing ever happened-but the most painful thing was the person he wanted was me-without the part of him actually having to be accountable for being there emotionally. It's really hard and it's been tempting to take him back- but I will never trust him again. And the fact is that he doesn't care about anyone but himself. I believe people like him will never change and even though he treated me well in most ways-I have to end it-which sucks because he was willing to try-but the fact that he has that in him is deadly for my self esteem.There is no worse feeling than knowing your guy is ready and willing to try anything or anyone. I just wanted to share that it is hard-but there is someone who will not cheat and that's who I want.And by the way- he paid for everything-which makes it really hard to walk away. But all his money brought was pain. Thanks for listening. And I hope anyone else who is on the fence gets some inspiration to demand more.
I've heard all the excuses: he wasn't paying enough attention, I was drunk, I was weak, It was the moment, I couldn't help myself, my husband doesn't make enough money, our sex life was boring, etc. The bottom line is you cheated. My wife cheated and tried to blame it on me for being away, not paying attention, etc. It's not the victim's fault. You want to cheat? End the relationship first. I'm still trying to get over it and it's been 10 years. It's not all the time, but I've lost a lot of trust in people. I'll never go into a relationship 100% again. I'll never totally trust a woman 100%. It might be 95%, but not all the way.
that is why we are meant only to one person and socially, cheating is wrong because it will totally affect our feelings if the other person in the relationship will cheat, well, it depends on the persons in that relationship if they have some ordeal or something..
we maybe attracted to many, its part of being human but we don't nurse the feeling, that's why you're in a commitment, we must learn to control..and if you can't control, get out of that relationship first, don't be selfish!
..cheating really sucks..hehehe
-immortal07-
Physical presence is also important. I am still married with my husband for 6 years now and for that 6 years we only lived together for 4 years. I am still honest and faithful to him. Until now, He is in another country and I am in another country. He said he trust me and I trust him but still I have a feeling he is a man and he will surely look for a woman. So for me not to torture my mind of him cheating me and be unhappy ... I cheated him. I know it is wrong but woman has needs too. I would not tell him of my infidelity because I still love him and still wants to keep the marriage.
As a married woman for a month This all makes me really sad && curious. To anyone out there reading this dont do it!! I had to go through this too long from the time I was about 7 to the age of 16 I saw all the things my father did to my mother && I still live with it now. I must admit I have hatred towards my father for all of his "extramarrital relations". I feel like he put us on the back burner for just a piece of a**. Sometimes I feel angry, hurt, sad, confused, && even have trouble in my own relationships at times. I find it very hard to trust people. Just try and work it out especially when there are kids involved. I can tell you first hand how hard it was to see my dad put my mom through this. && how it still effects me today. God can restore all.
my SO cheated on me after a year and a half together. blamed it on the fact that i was working on the weekends. anyways we broke up but stayed living together for a month big mistake the first time i went out on a date he flipped out. so he moved in with the home wrecker then kicked her out 3 weeks later and stupid me went back with him. Well needless to say his indescretions never ended she would call leave voice messages text even when i changed his number cause he asked me to. He called her everyday for 3 months while she was i puerto rico. So i decided to leave and a week later found out i was pregnant. so i went back and he cheated almost my whole pregnancy. Imagine watching the person you love so much when you are 8 months pregnant walking out of his lovers house. It hurts. maybe thats why i lost 30 pounds during pregnancy instead of gaining cuz i was so depressed the whole time. Now he says he isnt cheating but i believe him as much as i would believe Bush. 0%. Needless to say if you have the need to cheat then leave before you do it because it is so painful to be cheated on. there are no excuses. Karma is a *itch and someday all you cheaters will get our wrath and so will the dirty home wreckers.
cheating does only one thing-ruin a life. once that bond is broken, it's hard to regain that trust. in the back of the cheated on spouse's mind, there will always live doubt. if you feel you need to cheat, leave your spouse. this will hurt at first, but will gain you more respect for being honest with.
WAKE UP EVERYBODY! RELATIONSHIPS DO DIE! PEOPLE DO HAVE SEX OUTSIDE OF A MARRIAGE FOR WHATEVER REASON IT HAPPENS! YOU CAN LABEL IT ANYTHING YOU WANT...BUT IF A MAN/WOMAN FINDS HAPPINESS/LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE THAN THEIR SPOUSE THEN ITS SAFE TO ASSUME SOMETHING IS SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THE SPOUSE. AND WHEN ONE SPOUSE STOPS HAVING REGULAR SEX WITH THE OTHER HALF YOU HAVE A SIGN OF A RELATIONSHIP THAT IS DEAD. SO MOVE ON!
I never wanted to be "that guy" I see myself as a good natured caring human being that loves his wife and our children. i've tried for years to get my wife to notice me and appreciate all me for all that i do for our family. she gained some weight and felt unattractive. we rarely had sex even though i wanted it from her always. we met another couple and become friends. the wife of our new friends took a strong liking to me and began making advances. i was shocked and scared at first but began enjoying feeling attactive again. i kissed our friend once and i enjoyed it. i felt alive again. i felt appreciated, i felt sexy. we kissed again several more times through a span of about 6 weeks. we never had sex (thank God) and i ended it for fear of getting caught. i never wanted to hurt the love of my life. she doesnt know but is suspicious that something was there. 4 months have passed and i am a nervous wreck. i feel sick to my stomach everyday that the truth will emerge. i wish that i could have better communicated what my needs were. i tried for several years. i now know that happiness is not measured by the things in life that we don't have but by the things that we do have. i love her so much i couldnt stand the thought of losing her.
I have been married for about 1.5 years however have been with my wife for 6 years. We met in 4th grade and she was my dream girl.
Things were great for the first couple of years we were having sex on a regular basis, then longer periods went by between sex.
Then we tried having a baby, things were right back on track (sex every day). Now she's pregnant and I feel like she has just used me for my penis and forgotten about me.
I definatly don't believe in cheating but in the last six months I've been keeping track of how many times we have had sex, I can use one hand to count them. I'm 26 years old and this is just not right.
By the way, I divorced my first wife for not being intimate with me. At this point, I'm considering the same with this marriage.
Women of yesteryear used to have honor and values. They don't anymore. Why should their partners? Maybe they should understand why their partners cheated on THEM. There is always a reason, and usually, it's a pretty valid one too.
I've been married for 15 years. About 8 years ago my husband decided to have an affair which totally took me by surprise. After a year of being separated I decided to take him back and give it a try. Let me tell you it has been 8 years and I don't beleive you ever get over anything like this. And if it is happening to you or has happened to you, you are better off to end the marriage immediately and move on with your life because you will never trust them again. Although I'm still with my husband and three small children I think about leaving him everyday.
I have been married for 3 years now and about a year ago, i found out that my husband was "texting" other females. Not only "texting" them but exchangig picure mails of various body parts with each other. It was messed up because we hav dealt with this situation before. 2 weeks before we got married I fond out through an email that he was trying to have sex with my best friend and all through or marriage i felt insignificant to him. I tried to ignore the fact that we got married young, but how is it that I am able to commit and he wasn't? I struggled with that for a very long time. One of the femaes he was texting worked at a gas station, who worked directly around the corner. So imagine my shock when I talked to the trick. Honestly, I do feel like a relationship can heal from infidelity, but it will take a super long time and men that look in your wife eye, that look of hurt and distrust, it never ever really goes away. Women too. whether your man wants to admit it or not he will think about it forever.
Kind of a differant situation here.I have never cheated on my wife of 20 years and never would. While discussing such matters with my wife she made the comment "if you ever cheated our marriage would end instantly".Which gave me the impression that commitment and faithfulness was a very strong component of her persona. Now the strange part. Sometime after our discussion I found out through a mutual friend that in a previous relationship (7yr.) my wifes ex had cheated on her 3 times that she knew of. She forgave him each time.To my displeasure, I also found out that the relationship was much more sexual than ours. What seems to be off limits in our intimate lives was almost a daily occurance for her and the ex. I guess my wife was, shall we say, very orally fixated. These revelations have turned me into a hollow shell of a man. Bitter,lost and depressed. I have tried all the bells and whistles in an attempt to light the fire that I know is in there. I guess that passion was only for another and not for me. Though she may have never physically cheated on me, I feel I've been cheated for 20 years.
WOW, my favorite is the women who say they never saw it coming. Probably because you were not paying attention. No HAPPY man decides instantly one day to have an affair, it's a progression of time and then opportunity. To the ladies out there who say you will divorce your man if HE ever cheats. Go ahead and do it now, I mean after all you have already decided on divorce you're just waiting on the excuse. I am not a perfect husband, but I do all the cooking, am very engaged with our children, and work very hard to provide. I come home everyday, do not do drugs or pornography, and I have been told I am not so bad to look at. My wife of 22 years has sex with me reasonably often, but I feel it's obligitory, and she can't wait for it to be over. I know every move before it happens, and I don't care what color it is flannel is NOT SEXY. There is no kissing at all, ever, not even during sex, only the little peck when she goes to work or I leave. Well, now there is someone who wants to kiss me, and I like it. We have not been intimate YET, but I'm sure it's only a matter of time. Ladies men are not very complicated, we want the same things as you, someone to tell us we are attractive, hug on us, and tell us were valued and respected. If we don't receive that at home, sooner or later opportunity will present itself, and even a morally strong man will eventually weaken. If you want to save your marriage, then get out of your selfish world and get into his, find things he likes to do, make sure your man knows he is the greatest man you have ever known. Perform this experiment also, look at your wedding pictures, are you the attractive sexy thing he married? If not, you are in control of that and you can change your appearance. After all if you do not respect yourself why do you think he will. I will also make that challenge to the pot bellied couch potato man out there as well, your wife thinks your a fat ass, do something about it. Who would want to sleep with that. I know that infidelity is never justifiable, however marriage is a two way street and even the person who gets cheated on has some degree of culpability. To sum things up both husband and wife have a responsibility to each other to affair proof their marriage everyday, not just after the affair is discovered.
I cheated on my female partner of 18 years and she "never saw it coming". due to the fact that she just wasnt paying attention. we had a good sex life when we met but it faded into nothing and after years of being faithful and begging, the oppurtunity did present itself and it was with an ex-lover and the sex was fabulous and I recieved more emotional love from the ex than I had ever recieved from the partner of 18 years. I know I hurt her and i was faithful to her for 18 years but I just couldnt do it anymore. We worked things out but I still feel for the ex and now have no desire to sleep with the partner of 18 years but I do not want to throw all that time away. I have a heart. I just felt neglected, hurt, alone, and desparate for any kind of affection because i felt like I was dying in the relationship. so, yes, it takes effort to keep your partner..or they will eventually break. we all want love and attention. it's a basic human need.
i have been with my husband for 5 years now. I am 27 and he is 50 and an alcoholic. He has major problems with his sex drive due to the alcohol and antidepressants. A few months back I had an affair with this guy I have liked before I met my husband. I did it more for the attention I still dont receive at home. I did not do it for the sex.Quite frankly he wasnt all that good. I love my husband but he has not been taking care of things at home. I dont think he cares he just stays for the kids. Oh well. I would definatley do it again and I have absolutley no regrets about it. If my husband was taking the time to appreciate me and taking time for intimacy we wouldnt have this problem. He will never know. I personally think he has had more then one affair, although nothing has been proven. Just remember to make sure your spouse knows how much you love them and appreciate ethem and make sure you have time set aside for just the two of you if you want to preven an affair from happening to you!
I have been married 15 years, my husband is being treated for major depression and anxiety disorder for the last 10 years. about two years ago, he changed jobs and started to travel alot, during that time i started a friendly relationship with one of my co workers, who is about 12 years younger than me. The intimacy lasted about 10 months. It sounds like an excuse, but the affair helped me cope with the tough time i was having dealing with my husband's indiference.
I can relate to the comment "the affair helped me cope with the tough time i was having dealing with my husband's indiference." I'm still very afriad to approach anyone without them thinking that I am a total immoral creep.
Well my husband told me on our youngest son's birthday that he was having an affair. My story goes like this he began his affair in 1/08 and was pulling awa fromthe person inthe middle of sept. Now the kicker is that the person is my cousin step daughter she is 38 yrs old with a daughter. Her daughter came over to our home every week to spend time with my kids while her mother was suppose to be working and or going to school. Now she is pregnant with my husbands child. She told him in Oct that she is 7wks pregnant. Now she is 4 months pregnant. Her daughter calls us aunt and uncle. He seems to be remorseful, but she act like it is all ok. My husband and I have 4 children. According to my husband he started to have unprotected sex with her because she went on the pill. I am so hurt words can't even put my feeling into motion. Now she keeps on calling and texing him at least every other week. He doesn't see anything wrong with this because he isn't starting the communication. He responds to her when she contacts him. He doesn't feel that he should tell me what they are talking about, because according to him it is frivious. My thing is whay can't he just tell her to stop contacting him until the child is born. I always said that if my husband cheated on my I would be gone, but after investing 5 years in a marriage and 15 years in a friendship it is hard. I am so hurt and he can't or won't see exactly how I feel about his cheating. How can they be so selfish. According to him he told her in April/May that he isn't leaving his wife and kids. I don't think he really understand how bad this is hurting me. Then they are going to have a child what about our children. How does he plan to explain this to our children and family members. How could you sleep with your own inlaws. She was coming to my house almost every week. She is fine with playing 2nd fiddle. Will it ever stop? Will I ever be able to trust him again? It isn't an accident that she got preganat. He is shocked that she got preganat, because she knew that he wans't leaving his family. Now what do I do as a christian wife??
Phew... reading these posts was like a bad train wreck that I couldn't stop staring at!!!!!! Mostly, I am exceedingly sad for many people as well as the state of moral decay in this world. Sad for the cheaters who are empty and unfulfilled (if not realizing it now, at some point when it all falls apart or guilt or STDs get them...) and especially for those cheated on and lives of innocents, like children are destroyed. I truly, truly hope you find the joy out of life you seek... I feel misery in so many posts.
I feel that our world is just at the point where this kind of behavior is accepted as so MUCH THE NORM and we have become so desensitized to wrongdoing (in the name of personal rights and feelings) that anything goes. We no longer even see it as wrong!!! Sin DOES FEEL GOOD or it would have no pull and we would never feel tempted. We shouldn't do what God says "don't do" primarily out of guilt but because he tries to protect us out of Love.... Sin always KILLS in one way or another. Whether it kills relationships, emotions, families, or the body itself, at some point down the road it DOES KILL.
As long as you "feel good" or you are "happy", forget everyone around you. (?WHAT?)... How about SACRIFICE? How about LOYALTY? How about HONESTY & INTEGRITY? How about simply showing CONSTRAINT? What about not basing EVERYTHING ON SEX anyways??? It is truly great, but it is not necessary to live as a complete human. If we DID refrain and not sleep with tons of people before marriage our marriages might be more satisfying (MYSELF included, here) Our society is WAY TOO wrapped up in instant self-gratification! No wonder our children are all messed up... families are being destroyed at a faster rate than ever before!!
I promise I am not here to be judgmental because I know that cheating is a slippery slope and I experienced times of over indulgence in premarital sex and I am nowhere near perfect (because I am human). However, I will not cheat because it violates my belief system. I mess up, but I TRY TO DO RIGHT and I do try to tame my flesh and do right even when it hurts sometimes. I am simply here to suggest other alternatives... Many times cheating starts out innocently as a friendship. I totally get that.
However, the need being filled is a result of something being empty INSIDE THE CHEATER'S OWN SOUL! If you can say NO the minute you feel wrong coming, you can save the situation. If you look twice, you get yourself in trouble every time. If you DO mess up, how about the novel idea of stopping it? When two people commit they should both be whole with themselves and have good moral character or else they SHOULD NOT MARRY or COMMIT! A promise is a promise is a promise is a promise. You have no excuse for violating your own word regardless of the other person. If it is so bad you can't live with it, then don't live with it but work on things (even until they hurt) for the good of your relationship FIRST.
As far as the Bible, the Bible warns against being single and sexually impure, but it also warns that marriage is NOT EASY and will bring troubles too! ALL HUMANS ARE FLAWED beings and God never intended for human relationships to work alone. It is no surprise that marriages are exceedingly difficult. WE HAVE TO HAVE HIGHER SUPERNATURAL LOVE FROM GOD TO HAVE ANY KIND OF LASTING HUMAN LOVE!!!
He intended that people MUST turn to Him and seek guidance to make it work. That requires an open, honest heart, humility,and the desire to submit to God's will and the spouse. Without that, how can any marriage or commitment make it???? Especially not with the amount of hard heartedness I see on here.
As I said before, please forgive anything sounding judgmental, I just feel such pain here reading your posts and there has to be better answers than simply sticking strange parts into other strange parts to make a person feel better. We are humans designed by God and we are BETTER THAN THAT. We are not animals.
I pray that the cheaters see their behavior and feel comfort and healing from something very real and I pray that the ones cheated on or those suffering around receive healing and comfort. I pray for all of you here that you can find true happiness in a life and world that is wrought with evil, sin, and pain. It is surely no fun being human sometimes....... I pray that God touches each & every one of you as you read this....
What is missing here is "Character". Cheating is the purest form of insecurity and lack of character. Having sex is easy and the excitement of making it a secret is that much more inticing. Marriage has been diminished to purgatory and something people dread. Being married prior and divorced, I understand the idea of love and believe it is possible. Our society has made all things you want available via the internet. You may order the kind of person you want now...! I believe those frustrated with their marriages need to review their character. If your partner has been reliable ( boring ) for you ...I think that you should really take a look at your own intentions. Some of you may have a real situation where this could warrant getting divorced. However, you are probably a minority. Most likely it will require you to take a long hard look into a mirror and ask yourself, " Have I contributed to the problems of our relationship or has been easier to blame the other person." I read some of the letters about cheating and it is disturbing how many people feel comfortable about it. I know that variety and new attention is fun; but at the end of the day you are still the person disrespecting your spouses. If you cheat then expected to be cheated on. That is a crazy train that you can not get off......your new person knows that is how your new relationship began. Under that premise your new relationship will end in time as well. My point to this message is that your "Character" may need the overhaul not your spouse.
Men are hardwired to procreate and will cheat given the chance. They just put women in compartments and go about their lives - wife goes in this box. Lover in this one - and hopefully they will never meet. Like cigarettes they can stop smoking if they want to - They just enjoy it and it relaxes them. End of Story.
I've cheated on my husband twice and don't even tell me I am to blame for this by myself or I am selfish. First off, he got mad at me when we had an argument and he left for 3 days. I had no idea where he was or what he was doing and I still don't know 20 yrs. later. I did not marry him to be ignored sexually by him all the time. He would rather play a nintendo game than bother with me. It has been this way for years. I have tried everything to get him interested but nope nothing and this has been this way for years. We have not had sex in almost a year and he never touches me or anything and yes he knows I cheated on him but it was years ago and they were not affairs just one night stands. He doesn't want to divorce, and I have only been staying lately, just for financial reasons and my health is bad, but if I get disability I am thinking of leaving. Am not spending the rest of my life miserable with him. I say if your partner won't hold up their part of the deal they are just as much at fault and they are nothing but liars themselves.
What can I say, all these comments about who's to blame and why we did it. Take responsibility for your actions and hold the other person accountable for his/hers. Women, allow your men to flirt, it boosts their ego and confidence and they take out there experiences on you. Stop comparing yourselves to others and thinking, "am I not good enough"... I tell my girl that "there will always be a person better and more attractive out there, but why would I care if I have you" Insecurity, jealousy are treatable and with a little willpower, you can learn to trust and feel confident. If not and the other person doesn't respect your problem and works with you, or takes advantage you should consider whether that is the correct person for you.
Just remember, everyone cheats, sexually, emotionally, by masturbating or thinking of another person, body or situation... its a natural stimulus we use to enjoy ourselves but that doesn't make it wrong especially if in the end you come home to eat ;)
I have been married to my wife for over 37 years. Since I enjoyed hunting I wanted to do somthing for her.She always wanted to go to the Asian countries. I sent her to two different countries only because of cost. I am not a drinker,gamble and never cheated. I have to tell you we had 4 sons and I gave up most of my friends and spent my time being a father,a coach,and a buddy. I am mow 72 years old and my sons an I are very close plus my grand children. I will say this, I was always showing my love for her and telling her that also. how beautiful she is and how much I love and desire her. Well she finialy told me she was divorsing my for another man.She aloud me to stay at home for a month till I found a place to stay. We sleep in the same bed and I tried to change her mind ontil I saw engagemet ring on her hand. She had it on backwords so I won't see it. I never got a lawyer for myself and my sons were upset with me. I still try to change she mind. The confusing part she told me she only had two good years with him and maybe we will be back together again. Boy was I confused with that statment. I got to the point were my sons took my sporting peices away from me untill I headed up. Right now she is taking care of him now for 14 years and he is in real bad shape and every holidays when the family is together she tells me he has not long for this world. Just acouple months ago she called me and said to me that she and her husband never been together as man and wife. I told her that that part was over with and that she was a married women and he knew it. She was silent. I still single I date and I have girl friends 30 to 20 years younger then me, I made sure I wouldn't change for what I am I still can look in the mirror and feel good. For the last 6 years on holidays with the family She looks at me very strangely. Yes I still love her but also I think I hate her even though I don't want too. I am now dateing a some 45 yr. old medical assistant. I still don't understand it!!!!!!!!
it easy to say if your spouse cheated you would never take them back but you really never know what you would do til you are in that situation...I am a female who had a affair on my husband in which he always said he would never tolerate we are still together and have a stronger bond and sex life than we have ever had!! When someone cheats there is really no good excuse for it but there is a problem somewhere in the relationship that both people need to fix not just the"CHEATER"
i dont want to say blame trust all in all, because the real question is how much trust can you really give? you give it all or 95 percent you are in trouble or stirring trouble, you dont trust at all or maybe just 45 percent you are in trouble. nowadays when i post an add for single sites or meet people i tell the man whom im interested with that i love sex but i only want to have sex with one man i dont do women, that i want to do all the patterns and design that kamasutra has to offer, i even say i want to be your porn star,lol. bottom line is it doesnt matter no one knows how eversingle one of us think or feel or function or want or looking for or really know who they are. everybody is different, i just wish that people say who they really are from the begginng, that, when you first go out on a date that each individual should be like an open book like what im trying to do right now, but wait, that didnt work, so there, im thinking i only live once. my story didnt get to the altar like most of you people did. it happened the day before. oh it would be a sad blockbuster in the theaters if i write it and sell it cuz i know a lot of women would see through my eyes and some men would enjoy the crusade idea. im not bitter , yet, im sad and angry cuz ive been with him for seven years which is probably nothing to most of you. the pain i felt, i couldnt find a word to describe is killing me inside. i lost my trust in him on our first two years of dating but we lived together and i was traveling. we had this teacher car dealer sales woman married not married etc etc whatever woman next door that he told me about were such great fun neighbors. one girl would talk to me but kinda uneasy and funny, the other was,well, she wont look at me talk to me or even sit in the same room with me and at that time had mentioned intimate details and frequently asked me and i mean asked me only this" when are you going out of town again" i asked him about her and he said no dont be silly she is just a room mate of her and a good woman. two years later i found her number in his cell phone and i called, and she told me that they were just messing around. now ladies you tell me how you would feel or do. oh yeah by the way he came home drunk and high and beat the heeck out of me.
i am a female that cheated on my husband after being married for 10 years. i met someone online which was very stupid but he boosted my ego and made me feel wanted. what ive learned after 4 years is that he was a sociopath that fed off of others trust and enjoyed tearing peoples lives apart. my husband and i never divorced and are still married. we are trying to know each other again and it may take forever but im willing. i do agree with what the author said about underlying problems such as untreated alcholism, i am in fact a recovering alcholic and had i not been, the thought of an affair would have never entered my mind. i live with that mistake and regret it everyday...
Both my parents and my in--laws believe that my husband and I shouldn't be together. They say that we cheated on each other which in itself completely dissolves our vows. Three years into our marriage, my husband and I separated because the loss of both our first baby and his father left us completely emotionally drained and imcapable of functioning in a relationship. We had our own seperate lives for nearly a year before we got back together (10 years and four kids later!) During the time that we were seperated, my husband had a girlfriend who he slept with but broke off the relationship a few months in. I had a boyfriend who i did not have sex with, but i was very close to him. We are both aware of what happened in that time period and I don't think that it really counts as cheating.
My girlfriend of 3 years has had 3 affairs with other men- about 1 times a year. She is pretty and attractive, she puts herself in a position where she gets drunk and then has a sex with a man. It hurts me a lot, but, I still love her so I get over it. I think the interesting thing about discovering infidelity is what you do with it, leave or work it out or tolerate it. I think she does love me in her own way, I just think she gets very horny and needs some excitement that I cant give?
I guess I am one of the bad guys. I have been in a relationship with a man for 6 years and we are supposed to get married but I have not been faithful to him for most of our relationship. I have been having an affair with my ex husband. I felt that I did it out of guilt towards my ex because I left him for my current b/f but now everything has changed . My ex always wanted to get back together but I never wanted that I do love my current b/f but I also had love and sexual feelings for my ex. However my ex finally got tired of being my secret lover and moved 250 miles away with another woman. He has came and visited and we slept together but it wasn't the same he is trying to find the love we lost and I respect that. I still love him and I always will, we have children together and he is the only man I have ever married and felt the desire I felt for him. I get extremly jealous when hearing about his new relationship but I am coping. My advice to you all is what comes around goes around. I can only imagine that the way I feel now is how my current b/f has felt for a long time as I have told him of the affair.I do understand why people cheat and it in no way means you don't love the person you are with. Just be careful because alot of people can get hurt including yourself.
i know that cheating is bad...we all no this! but i dont wanna make excuses for myself but i just cant help it. i've been living with my boyfriend for almost 5 years and have cheated on him at least 3 times in the last 3 years! sex with him is good sometimes even great but i have to do all the work if i want it to be that way, u know? idk what it is i just want it and not from him! i love my boyfriend to death and we have our kids and all but for some reason i just cant seem to get happy with our life. i guess cuz its like the type of relationship where its his way or no way u know and i am more of a mutual type of person. and with the relationships outside of mine they make me feel appreciated wanted and beautiful with all the compliments and phone calls and attention cuz its not just about sex with the other guy for me i also get all the things my boyfriend doesnt show me in our relationship...and yea i feel guilty sometimes about it but shit happens and hes no angel u know!
I had always thought of myself as the type of person that would leave my spouse if I had ever found out he cheated. Then my husband and I started drinking one night. I got the revelation of a lifetime. I found out that my husband cheated on me when I was pregnant with our first child. I didnt find out about it till after our 3rd child was born. We hadnt even been married a year yet when it happened. Since it was such a long time since it had happened and I didnt believe it would happen again, I sorta forgave him. I say "sorta" because I found myself emotionally involved with someone else. It was an internet relationship. It never went any further than chatting on the pc and exchanging regular photos. Once it got to a point where he wanted to meet in person and see if the chemistry was there, I told him no cause I didnt want to cheat on my spouse. I love my husband so much. But I feel that if the situation is right anyone might find themselves in a position to get something they are lacking from someone else. It took some sweat and tears but I started to get the emotional intimacy from my husband and now everything is on the right track. I feel guilty about going online to get the tenderness, caring, and listening from someone else, but I believe since I finally found out what I needed then I was able to relay that to my husband and now he can give me what I need and we both can be completely happy now.
I got one for ya....... why do people cheat when they have absolutely NO reason to? thats what has happened to me so many times. they had no reason whatsoever to cheat on me.... but they did. and to cover any excuses.. our sex life was amazing... with all of them... money was good.. had a happy life... didnt fight much at all and when we did it was VERY nice to make up. everything was great about all my relationships... but they ALL cheated on me. can ya answer that one?
perhaps you all should just not be in monogamous relationships. nothing wrong with a life on the prowl. or hormone therapy for spouses with low libido (usually caused by low testosterone levels in both males and females).
And by the way, if your husband isn't having sex with you, it could be that 40 pounds you put on since you got together. jus sayin.
I was in denial for a long time about what karma meant or the biblical verse"you will reap what you sow." I cheated on my husband first, for a number of years, and ti this day he doesn't know. I found evidence that he has cheated on me for the past two years, and now I have been devastated to the point of losing weight and wondering if he is still communicating with the co-worker. I am getting my just desserts, but it hurts like hell to realize that he would do something like this.
I am a cheater. Never thought that I would ever be in such situation. I love my kids and care deeply about my husband. I am only 25 years old, but have been with my husband for 10 years (married for two). So as you can see I have basically grown up with him. My feelings at this time for him are more of "I love you" but "I'm not In love with you". Prior to the affair I had talked to him about my feelings and how I was growing apart. My hopes, dreams, goals, and aspirations for myself and my family were not the same as his or a priority. At that time he really did not pay much attention to my concerns. I was not raised in a what you call, "normal family setting" but I had guardians that cared deeply for me and my biological mother was always there, but more of a sister figure. So I would never want my kids to grow up without their father. He is a GREAT DAD, good husband and good person overall. The affair was not something I had planned or even thought about. It just happened. It is very recent and is just physical not emotional at this time. My affair says he is happy in his relationship, but seeks me out. I again have tried to talk to my husband about a seperation, but he wants to work things out. I don't expect my affair to turn into a relationship and my asking my husband to seperate are not in hopes of a relationship with my affair. I just feel I need time to find my self to figure out who I am as an idividual and where I want to be. I don't think it's fair for my family, but I don't know what to do anymore. I have always done the right thing, but failed this time. I don't want to continue the affair, but it sparks something in me that I have never felt before. My husband now is trying really hard to make things right. But I don't even feel as his wife anymore, just the mother of his children and a friend. Cheating...... it was something I never could imagine being a part of, but I have shamed myself and my family if they found out. I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to leave my husband, but not lose the father and companion he is. But I also want to find who I really am or could be. Being a mother fulfills me. I am a very active part of their lives, but I do feel as though there is a point that comes and one says, "Okay now what"? Well I'm there, "Now What"? Any advise would help.
my husband has been with me 10 years and he says that if his with me he wants to be with all the womens he want because he is coming out of jail that i could do what i want that he dont care i think that what he is saying is not right but i love him so much that i dont find how to break up with him is so hard for me i have been in a big depression what should i do
I use to be married before and my husband was a cheater. I finally had enough and walked away. I was very careful not to get involved with a married man. However, I gave this guy the benefit of the doubt. He pursued me. At first, I did not believe him and he called some friends to convince me that it was a business arrangement. His daughter was murdered by her boyfriend and then he killed himself. He claims he is there to help take care of his granddaughter only. He spent a lot of time around me and he gave me his home phone number. I began to think well maybe he is telling the truth. So the relationship commenced. I foolishly gave him a key to my home. Then I began to feel like he was lying to me. He stayed at my home during the week and by Thursday evening he would start an argument and leave. I would not hear from him until Monday after he got to work. In the mean time I changed my locks on my door. He called on Monday to set up a time to give me my key back. I told him to throw the key in the trash can. He kept trying to get me to let him come to my house and I kept saying there is no need. I told him to stop pushing. I also told him I will mail his clothes to his house. He went ballistic and started threatening me. I told him I don’t understand why he is threatening me with trying to get me fired from my job. I told him I have done nothing wrong to get fired from my place of employment. He called his childhood friends and tried to convince them to figure out away to get me fired. During all of this his father passed away. I was very hurt that he tried to do something like this to me. I was under the impression that his situation was strictly a business arrangement and he was in the process of moving out of the house anyway.
I would never try to cause problems in his marriage. I have never called his home because I thought that would be disrespectful. I use to email him until I found out that his spouse had access to his email account. She was the one who setup all the email accounts in the house. He did not know how to change his password. He is trying to make her think that he is not having an affair. I also noticed that when he emailed me he would use an on line newspaper article. The subject line would have the title of the article and he would write his comments in the middle of the article and then send it to me. This way if she read the subject line she would not think to open up the email because the email would not look suspicious. I told him that I do not feel good about this arrangement and if he is leaving he need to do it as soon as possible. I feel he never intended to end his marriage. He would constantly tell me that she would never fight for him and that he was starved for love and affection. He also told me that his wife did not love him and she did not care what he did. In his mind everything is her fault.
Pay close attention and listen very carefully and you will be surprised what you find out.
All comments welcomed!
There is another side to cheating. Sometimes people cheat because they feel like they have no other option.Everyone has different curcumstances and others shouldn't judge unless they know the whole story.I understand that cheating is wrong and hurtful. Here is a situation .......A couple that is married and has children get along with each other. The wife doesn't love the husband anymore and they have tried to make it work for the past few years, but the love and the magic is gone.The husband can't give the wife what she needs and wants. He is a good guy but doesn't give her any attention and frustrates her because he doesn't help with kids or housework. They stay together because they care about each other and because they don't want to separate the kids. The wife starts having an emotional affair that eventually turns into a sexual affair. The husband never finds out and she never feels the need to tell him or stop the affair. The affair has been going on for years.Is the wife a horrible person?
First time leaving a post anywhere.
I've been married for 13 years, blessed with 3 children. I met my husband back in college and we've been together ever since. He's my 2nd boyfriend and the only man I've been intimate with. He on the other hand "had been around". And I accepted that. He said that since we got together, there had been no other girls except me.
Our problem started a year ago. A woman (his "acquaintance" from the past) called our house then hung up the phone when my grandma answered. I called her up and found out that she was this "acquaintance" (not even friends they both said) from the past (before he even met me) and that they were talking back in 2007. Apparently my husband found her contact info when he was trying to research for his business. Long story short, both of them said no affair (emotional or physsical) happened. Just talk, mostly business. But since I found out about it, our marriage has been badly stained. 2008 was a pretty bad year full of fights and all. I found out some things from that woman that my husband never told me though I gave him a chance to tell me everything. He swears that he never cheated on me. That woman told me things about "their past" and their conversations ("your husband is trying to impress me, etc). We've been to a catholic marriage retreat weekend. But things never got better. One day I discovered an email exchange between them and there was definitely flirting from both parties. When I called my husband on it, he's very apologetic but managed to reason out that he was just trying to get her to help him with his business. Out of anger, that same day I left the house and did not come back until late that nigh. A few days later I discovered that while I was gone that night, he managed to look at her social networking site. It's a slap in the face that he could not even look for me that night, instead he looked her up. His excuse- he wanted to see what kind of life she has why she's "telling me lies" about him. And another excuse about something else that I don't even want to write here.
This is getting so long. Bottomline, a lot of hurtful things have been said and done. I've been diagnosed with depression and currently seeing a counselor. My counselor wants us to start couple's therapy. I still love the bastard but I'm so SCARED that he might do something like this again. I can' tolerate any more lying, hiding, and cheating (though both of them never admitte to that). This by the way is the second time I caught my husband talking to another woman behind my back.
after almost 24 years of marrige My wife has cheated on me recently with another woman. I seen some of the signs..asked her what was going on she kept denying it. then they got bolder. doing things in front of me. I wasn't sure what was going on. I thought maybe she wants to have a threesome with this girl..Again I asked what was going on? same answer. Nothing just friends. Then I told her some of the things I saw, (they didn't know I saw) OK she said she cam on to me like 3 times..I knew this was a lie. 1 time I knew it was her coming on to this girl. As much as many men me included fantisize about being with 2 women at once. I a normal managomous relationship I feel its wrong and someone is only going to get hurt. It didn't take long to figure out this is not what they wanted anyway. they only wanted each other..We have now been separated for about 3 weeks. My wife has finially admitted to being with this woman. She also admits she has had these feelings for about 5 or 6 years that she wanted to be with a woman, but just now acted on them. I've asked her to get help in finding who she is.I can only accept her as my wife if she was straight. She said she was getting professsional help..Found out today she was lying..Hoping to save the marrige I guess.I think its obvious to me at least at this point she has to be at least bi-sexual. I can not accept this option for a marrige either. It looks like I'm gonna need thearpy after all this as well
I had been married for several years before I suspected my husband had been cheating on me. We lived together for about a year before we go married. A woman was sending pictures to our home, writing letters etc. . .of course he never received them. One day she sent pictures I placed them in the shreader and sent them back to her. He confronted me about destroying his property. I did not say anything I just listened. A few weeks later, I left him and our two daughters. I did not take my clothing either. Everything he bought me during the marriage I left. I wanted to be free. I filed for a divorce. He wanted child support, etc. . . I paid when I felt like it; did not pick up the kids on time, returned them early. One time I paid my child support in pennies. His girlfriend could not live the life of a housewife as I did for many years. I eventually got custody of my daughters. He not only paid support for them, he would buy me things; sent additional money in the mail just for me. It did not help. I returned it. I can't be bought. I will not live unhappy for anyone. I'm a very giving person but we have have limits. I thank my parents for validating me while I was a child. I don't need anyone to make me feel good about myself. I know who I am; what I am capable of. No one can make me feel bad about myself. I love me;always have; and always will. God loves me too and that's all that matters. Yes, I could have gone out and had an affair. What would that have proven? Who would I have taught a lesson? No one!! I will not demoralize myself because some idiot did not appreciate what he had. He owed a restaruant franchise; I did not care. I wanted out. There was nothing to discuss. Yes, I was hurt by what he had done but I had to go on for me. I could not be strong for my daughters if I was not first strong for myself. Yes, I trust him with my most precious asset; my children. Anything tangable I lost; God gave it back to me and then some. No one is stuck. If you are unhappy with someone the first place you should look is within yourself. You are the reason for your misery no one else. No one can make you feel bad about yourself. The truth is that you already feel bad they are just adding to it. Love does not hurt. Read the bible on love. If God is not first in our lives how do we expect to have anything meaningful. If your marriage can be saved; save it. If not do everyone a huge favor and divorce. No need for anger or bitterness. Just move on 100%.
love is hard work.
love is the flip side of disgust.
love is terminal.
love is beyond our comprehension.
love is selfish.
love is possessive.
love is escape from self, loneliness and despair.
love is a roller coaster ride.
love is something to do.
love is a big hook.
love is a bed-warmer.
love is rough edges smoothed over.
love is a turkey in the pot.
Well I am not married but have had the same boyfriend for 6 years. REcently found out that my intuition was right, he had been seeing other people the whole time we had been together. He was very very good at lying, but also was the sweetest person, my best friend i thought. It has taken some courage to leave- its like breaking an addtiction- an addiction to an unhealthy relationship . He was very confusing- often making huge moves to being more committed, then backing off tremendously. I want the women (and men?) to know out there- people who are addicted to the ego-fill of the constant affair are not healthy- it isnt us. I loved sex, and in fact, rarely got enough- which is why i am so hurt- almost more than the lying- i felt neglected sexually so often. i was into exciting sex- i in fact thought we were a good fit becuz i loved adventure, taking chances, keeping things exciting. It just wasnt enuf and i am going thru the process now of building my self esteem back up as i realize, it wasnt me, that no one could have satisfied a man like that. I feel for the woman in his future that will also be hurt if he doesnt get counseling . (Ive since learned there are 3 of us minimum from his past that have gone thru the pain of him being a sex-user). Very Very painful experience. My husband and I divorced many years ago- he had an affair. An affair that i totally understood becuz i had neglected the relationship and had fallen out of love with him. I have since forgiven him and moved on. But this thing with my "boyfriend" - there was nothing i did to deserve this pain...................
Cheating on someone is a horrendous thing, and there is no viable excuse what so ever. With that being said, I've been a "cheatee" and a "cheater". My first husband cheated on me and eventually married the other woman. It was pain and hurt that I had never felt, and it tore my life apart. I closed myself up. I moved to another state and tried to make a new life. First it was the pot, then the valium, then the one night stands. It was all empty. I found out I was pregnant from one of my 1 night stands. That seemed to turn my life around. I stopped the pot, the valium, obviously the sleeping about and focused on the baby. While pregnant, a childhood friend moved in with me and my room mate (she is his step sister). We found we liked each other and had feelings for each other. He accepted me and the baby, and she has been his daughter ever since. We married in 2001, and for 2 yrs everything was good, or so I thought. A man I worked with showed interest in me, and after a short time, we began an affair. At first, it was exciting, and adventurous, but it really had no real meaning. My husband found out, and moved into his mother's friends home for a while to decide what he wanted to do. At this moment, I felt I wanted to be free, not married or anything. We decided to have a week end to ourselves to work things out so we had dinner at a nice restaurant, and spent the night in a nice hotel and things went well and felt good. I still continued the affair (I told husband it ended). Shortly after, I found out I was pregnant (didn't know whose child). We were also in counseling at his request. I didn't want to do the counseling so I wasn't interested in talking and such. We found out we were having twins. Something snapped inside of me and a reality set in, I had a family, a child already, pregnant w/twins, and after all the horror, a husband who still loved me very much and wanted the marriage to work. I ended the affair and worked on marriage. Things were well until 2006; once again I had an affair with a man I worked with. The sex was incredible and I could be "me". Eventually my husband found out about this and was leaving for good. I couldn't picture life without my husband in it. I started to really at my life and how I felt. I didn't feel, I was void, numb, empty and totally disconnected to my family, my spouse, my children, and even myself. I mentioned this to my husband and told him something isn't right and I needed therapy or something. I asked him to stay, he was torn. He was hurt and wasn't sure what to do. He decided we would take things on a daily basis. Things started to take shape about my life and why things were the way they were. My mother died when I was 9. I have no memories of her at all, whatso ever. My father remarried rather quickly and he and the step mother weren't very nuturing. Needless to say these traumas started something inside of me, changed me, and directed every aspect of my life. I've been in therapy since 06, and still am. I had one relapse in Dec of 07, I was friends with this man, he thought I was his girlfriend, I let him think it, and I lied to him about my marriage. We had 1 oral session, and 1 semi physical session, he couldn't perform. Since then, I've found my way back to God, stayed true to my husband, and have found out things about my childhood and have been able to understand, accept, grieve, and process these things. These things have made my marriage stronger, and pushed my husband and me closer together. I have a slight intimacy issue with my husband that I am working on. The thing for me is it was so easy to be with another man rather than my husband because it was safe, I didn't have to feel, therefore, I didn't have to hurt or be hurt. It's hard to be intimate with my husband because it isn't safe (in my mind), I do feel, and I can get hurt like I've been hurt my whole life since my mother died. My life and my family was torn apart the day she died and changed everything. Luckily, I have a VERY understanding husband, and a wonderful therapist. I now understand why I did the things I did, and I recoil from the memory. God is playing a very important roll in my life and keeping me on the path to heaven and unity of my family. In my heart and mind I know that I will NEVER stray again, EVER. If I get the notion to do so, I will call my therapist RIGHT then and there, and also my husband and figure out why. I know it will never come to this because I love my husband with all my heart and soul, and I love my family. I love myself and have feeling inside, I'm no longer empty or void. Please, all of you, do everything you can to find out why you're cheating or why your SO might be. It might be something you can fix. God Bless everyone, and give strength.
My husband and I have been married for 6 years. While I was pregnant with our 2nd daughter he had an affair with the girl that lives across the street. I'm very perceptive and knew the whole time just didn't have enough evidence to bust them until after the affair ended. The girl is married and we were all friends. After this come to light in not so many words I marched across the street and slept with him. Sorta a tit for tat. We still live across the street from them which I know she hates thats why we haven't moved. My husband and I are still together (after a short seperation and him taking a few....ok several physical attacks from me) and never better. They on the other hand have a very strained relationship and are miserable which suits me just fine.
Monogomy is not for everyone; but that has to be clearly defined within the relationship. You need to clarify the issue and come to a mutual conclusion before being cheated on is a possibility. This includes rules that need to be followed by both partners. Protection being the big one.
If you have decided to be in a committed relationship then any sex outside of that is cheating. Simple as that. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.
Also; Porn does not constitute cheating! Having an "Addiction" is one thing, but just watching it or jerking off, is not cheating. From what I can gather, that's just part of being male. They will still do that even if they are getting laid every day by the most beautiful woman in the world.
Here's a thought; try watching porn together. You reap the benefits of his being that turned on, and you just might learn a thing or two.
You can try to rationalize cheating any way you want. It's still cheating. I've known people who think it's a feather in their cap to get away with something. After we were divorced, my exwife bragged to people we knew about how many times she got away with cheating. Some of my friends from my drinking days also seemed to think it was a clever thing to do. Pay attention to how someone you're seeing treats you. Cheaters are self centered. The person who seems less than concerned with your feelings when you are dating is the one who will cheat later.
Its really simple. If you choose to be in a relationship and its not working out why Cheat? Has anyone ever heard of honesty??? Knowbody makes you cheat or be in a committed relationship. Every man or woman is responsible for his or her actions and when you cheat it only harder. Its simple if you are disatisfied in your relationship save the pain on both sides talk, be honest think before your actions all the things you learned as a child. Don't be selfish because most likley your spouse is feeling the same way you are feeling.
I believe both partners are responsible for the way their relationship works. Men need attention and love just like women need. A big relationship breaker is not having trust. If you love somebody and find they have lied to you Its hard to recover from. I however feel that if a man does not have enough respect for his partner to sit down and talk about potential problems before he acts its not worth reconciliation. How hard is it to be honest??? All of you out there say I love her Im just not getting enough attention or sex. Well, if you love her and respect her how could you sleep with another woman without even trying to work things out first??? I think being unhappy is a pitiful excuse. The honest truth is that you were to selfish to make the right decision. There is never a good reason to cheat it just makes you a weak coward!!!!!!
I stayed with my common law wife for 23 years. I went through many phases where my wife did not want intimacy for several years at a time. Finally, with the kids grown, and nother more to be acheived in this loveless union, I have broke my promise and left her. But I could never think of cheating, no matter what the excuse. All those who feel the need cheat must realise there are other options.You can stay faithful, and remain in the marraige situation. Or you can leave. Having an affair is usually because of:
1)Feeling that you "deserve" sex, no matter what the cost, or who you hurt.
2)Wanting to have your cake and eat it too. (the grass is greener syndrome)
I can think of no good reason why anybody would need to have an affair. It is just selfishness. Anybody can abstain from having sex, if their partner does not want it. If you can't handle it, be fair to your partner, and get out!
Out of the six committed relationships I have had so far in my life, three of them were drastically affected by "secretive sex" issues. Another of the relationships ended up being almost exclusively sexless because my male partner ended up being gay but not wanting to admit it. The sixth relationship is still intact without any "secretive sex" issues so far.
My first boyfriend, whom I dated for two years in high school, cheated on me during our entire relationship. Since we didn't spend tons of time together outside of school, I was unaware of the situation for the most part. I knew the girl who turned out to be the one he was cheating on me with. I knew she had a thing for him, and I always had a feeling... I confronted him about it a few times, and he always said he didn't even like her, so I trusted him. A few years after he moved across the United States (the reason for our breakup), he called me up one day and said he had to get something off his chest. He told me he cheated on me with that girl the whole time we were together.
My second boyfriend developed a theory that I was having sex with his best friend. Some MAJOR things were wrong with this theory: He and his friend lived in the same apartment. They lived about two hours away from me. I had never been to their apartment. I had no car and no driver's license. His friend did not have a car. The only time I was ever around his friend, he was there. He abruptly dumped me because of his theory. Less than a month later, I found out that he had a new girlfriend who was already living with him.
My third relationship, and the longest one so far, suffered for YEARS from problems related to secretive sex and sexual issues. The real problems began toward the end of my senior year in high school, approximately a year into this relationship. The signs of potential problems showed themselves very early into the relationship. Less than a month after it began, when we were talking on the phone one night, my boyfriend started telling me about the hot girls he had talked to on a bdsm "dating" site that day. I told him that it was extremely rude of him to talk to me about it, and that I believed I deserved more respect. I also told him that if he wanted to continue to frequent such websites, he should break things off with me. The relationship continued. Several other incidences occurred within that year. We discussed the possibility of a third party in our relationship. I wanted to do anything I could to please him, so I said I would be open to giving it a try. We jointly talked to several people on various websites. One day, one of these girls who we'd been casually talking to told me that my boyfriend had been calling her. He had mentioned nothing of it. I asked him about it and he said he hadn't told me "because it just never came up in conversation." Well, duh. I was extremely hurt about it not only because he hadn't told me that he'd taken contact with her to the next level, but also because he had told her he was going to buy her a collar. (In bdsm, a collar is pretty much the equivalent of an engagement--or even a wedding--ring.) Time passed. In the late spring of that year, things so happened that we ended up having a threesome with a good friend of mine (at the time). It was impeccable timing because my boyfriend and I had again seriously discussed the topic THE NIGHT BEFORE. I told him that I would have a threesome with him, but I wanted him to promise me ONE thing--that he wouldn't ejaculate on/in the other girl, only on me. Less than 24 hours after he swore he would keep that promise, he broke it. And it wasn't like "oops, it just happened." He had stopped having sexual interaction with me and started focusing solely on her for about ten minutes before he had an orgasm. Later he would say, when confronted, that he "just didn't think about" having made that promise. A few weeks after this instance, I got raped at a party I went to with my friends. The day after it happened, I went to see a movie with my boyfriend and some of his friends. After the movie we were standing outside the theater, and he and his friends, like pedophiles, were watching all the young teen girls walking out in their very tight and revealing clothing. They started cracking jokes about getting girls drunk and taking advantage of them sexually. (My boyfriend knew what had happened to me.) A few days after that, my boyfriend flat out asked me, "So are you lying about him raping you--did you just have sex with him?" Throughout the remainder of our relationship, I would periodically find (through chance, not because I was intentionally snooping) that he had dating profiles and was talking to women on dating websites, and that he was talking shit about me to his friends and assuring them that he was still looking for someone else to be with. It so happened that our sexual relationship began to become quite non-existant. We had sexual interactions at most, perhaps twice a month--and often it was merely me giving him a blowjob at his request. And he would actually tell me almost every day that he had watched porn and masturbated that day. He would regularly become angry when I tried to do things to get him "in the mood" or when I flat-out asked him to have sex with me. One day when he came home from work, I had decided that I would give him a lap dance (something I know I'm fairly good at since I was a stripper for a short while and got raving compliments from customers). When he came in, I was dressed and ready. His first words were "I'm too tired for this." Really...how much effort does it take to GET a lap dance? I convinced him that he could deal with it. After about thirty seconds, he began to laugh at me and pretty much make fun of me. I went to the bedroom, took my "clothes" off, and went to bed. He came and asked why I did that. When I told him how he made me feel, he had nothing to say, and we went to sleep. After years, I couldn't deal with the issues anymore. I couldn't bring myself to simply let go and move on, though. So I decided to go to counseling and convinced him to go with me. After the third or fourth counseling session, he dumped me "because of something the counselor said."
This post ended up being extremely long, which I hadn't planned on. Part of a point I would like to make is that many times I have felt that there is something inherently wrong with me, and no one will ever be able to be faithful to me. The "secretive sex" issues in my past relationships haven't just made the relationships suffer, it has made my self-image and self-confidence about romantic relationships suffer.
After almost 17 glorious years of marriage to my wife, she wants a divorce as she has been emotionally (and maybe even perhaps physically) cheated on me. And after some very positive & educational meetings with many different types of educated people, from neuropsycologist, to attorneys, friends, therapist, self education and realization..I have come to realize many different aspects of why perhaps one cheats and does the things that he/she may do. And further more....all these post within have great educational value and strong points of view.
1st off...cheating is cheating no matter what type or form it may be considered. You simply do not go outside the marriage or the vows that you have taken together and and also in your promise to the lord above. And through the many different reasons and the "why's" of why one may cheat are many. But let's look at this from a very educated and medical point of view that makes absolute sense to me.
The actual cheater will perform and do many things that as your spouse through the many years of marriage, you would never have dreamed that he/she could have done. 1st they actually let themselves become emotionally or physically touched by another to begin with and through this they fall into a behavorial pattern. The cheater becomes dishonest, decietful, secretive, hurtful and much more. They feel they are doing no wrong in the affair, and they feel no remorse, quilt or pain in what they are doing. At the same time, the cheater may tend to feel a great sense of anger towards the spouse who was actaully cheated on. In some cases (like mine) my wife and I actually were having sex more often before I found out about the affair. I mention this because it fits right in towards where I am going with this. And where is that you ask??
I mentioned above of those who I have spoken with and this is what I have learned...now why it may not hold true for some....it does hold water for many. When you add up all the cheating, lies, deception and etc, etc.....we come to learn that the brain of the one who is cheating is not firing on all cylinders properly or in a normal neuro mode. The cheater for various reasons has become chemically imbalanced and perhaps in some cases bipolar.
In women, we throw in a power chemical called estrogen. And with the many hormonal changes they go through and with estrogen playing a major role in that, factor in the change of life, mid life crisis and so much more, that this all in many ways combined, contributes to one becoming chemically imbalanced.
When we become chemically imbalanced the changes it produces are many. Our thought process does not work properly nor does it have the ability to to decifer emotions properly and so much more. When one is not properly balanced it starts with your autoimmune system. Your cells that handle this function are out of whack for many various reasons. Your thyroid plays a major factor in this along with your cells. For some...there may actaully be an underlying health condition (as in my wife who battles a disease called srojens) which in fact....has a great effect on the autoimmune system, thus furthering her to become even more chemically imbalanced perhaps due to such underlying conditions.
Very quickly...this all finds a way to beak down the autoimmune system which immediately fires improper signals to the brain that the body is not functioning or performing properly and in normal mode. The breakdown cuase miscommunication in many forms and ways as the body fights and looks for a way to adapt. It becomes confused, it gets defensive, it cheats, it lies it's hurtful and so much more. During this time the cheater who is going through the breakdown, also finds no wrong doing in what has become of them, because through their eyes, they often fail to realize that the body in fact... has/is been chemically altered. Thus why in fact sex was greater between us during this trying time, because her body has been chemically altered. She went from not being that sexually active to being more active. Makes sense...doesnt it!! Chemically imbalanced!!
Someone mention in their post that the cheater often speaks of runs to the wrong people when their marriage is on the line for consulatation and advice and I absolutely agree with this statement. Through what my wife has been doing to ruin our marriage and family, she has run to a friend who has been divorced, a family member who has physically cheated and others of such nature. Why?? Because the chemical alteration is forcing her to seek advice and comfort of those who have worn the same shoes and of to tell and share there same war stories, when in fact....it is perhaps through seeking some sort of medical direction that one may be more beneficial to possibly regain the satisifactiob of being once again chemically balanced. Bipolar or even in some cases.....Lupus can be other underlying symptoms.
For me...the hard part is how do I, or anyone for that matter...bring this to the attention of the cheater, when in fact..they will be deny it, fight it, call you the crazy one and so much more.....they will in fact be defensive about it, especially when they are having the problem of seeing both sides of the fense and processing anything properly. No one in fact...wants to be told they may have a problem, especailly when the wheels throughout the body are spiniing like crazy while it finds a way to right the ship and all that is going on improperly inside the body.
In ending.....yes....she has done wrong, she has crushed me and kicked me while I was down. My trust and respect for her has gone extremly way down and perhaps even away for a great deal of time. What's hard is that I still love her more than anything. My advise (though it may be to late for my marriage)....try to get your spouse to put all decisions in regards to your marriage on hold until the spouse can commit to seeking advice or perhaps medical couciling on such possible conditions before putting an end to your marriage. You probably have tried most everything else to save your marriage. I too am crushed and heartbroken and still in love with the cheater. God bless her and I hope she finds herself and gets balanced...the grass isnt always greener on the other side.
It is really unfortunate that both sexes go so far to lie, cheat, and decieve their spouse that they claim to be so much in love with. Personally, I would rather tell them how I feel than continue to lead them on and waste my time.
ATTENTION all cheaters: Grow up, communicate your pathetic actions and thoughts to your significant other, and then let them leave your sorry self for someone who will appreciate them.
All you are doing is filling up line after line of excuses on here. Go cry a river, seriously.
I would like to advise ALL the women who have been cheated on to LEAVE HIM! Please leave the man who ruined your relationship. He is not worth your time and your energy, and he does not deserve your love! If you are afraid that he will do it again, then just leave him. For your own sake.
I speak from experience when I say this.
My boyfriend and I were open with each other about our past relationships, so I knew that he slept with a married woman before me and him dated. At the time I forgave him for it and hoped and prayed that he can learn to respect the sanctity of a commited relationship. All my hopes and dreams for our future fell apart when about 1 year and 3 months into our commited relationship I found out (by email) that he was talking to the married woman he used to sleep with. They had been emailing flirtatiously behind my back. They were in the process of planning to meet up at the point where I found out about the two. He even got to the point where he told me he was going to borrow his mother's car for the day. I asked him what for and he said no reason. Well I should have known something was up. After finding those emails I immediatley clued up on him and confronted him.
Not only did he try to DENY the emails, he also tried to INVALIDATE my feelings of hurt by saying things like "it was platonic, it never would have gone anywhere, I was just talking to her"
I can honestly say that I AM SO GLAD that I left him. I did consider giving him another chance but deep down I knew I would never ever trust him again. I also knew that if he did something like this once there is no saying he wouldnt do it again.
SO PLEASE, all you ladies who were cheated on... leave him be. Just skip out on him and his antics. You deserve so much better. Dont think you can work it out, because honey there is NOTHING to work out. Dont give him the satisfaction of thinking he can get away with abusing your trust and still stay with you after cheating.
You deserve to be loved and appreciated by an honest and trustworthy man. Don't put up with cheaters.
i think that both men and women who cheat on their spouses are immature. grow up the vows were for better or worse, not act like you're 5 yrs old. there has to be a happy medium, no one can give someone else their undivided attention all the time. if you think about it, when you were dating you still did things on your own, do them still. my husband and i have been together for 8 yrs (my 2nd and his 3rd). he's cheated on me and my first reaction was to leave but we talked about things that led us to that point. we take one day at a time, builing back trust, respect, etc. i'm not saying we'll stay together but most people take the easy way out of things these days. i believe if its over then its over but have enough respect for yourself and your family not to cheat.
All cheating is detestable, but I absolutely despise women who cheat.
When a man cheats, which is usually for physical satisfaction, he meets the woman, has sex, and goes home. When a woman cheats, which is usually for emotional fulfillment, she meets the man, spills her emotions, HAS SEX, then goes home. If emotional fulfillment is what's lacking at home, why can't women find someone to talk to, and just talk, the way men find someone to have sex with, and have sex? Also, who let women decide for everyone that emotional fulfillment is more important than physical satisfaction? Right or wrong, this seems like a ploy to make a woman's adultery more acceptable...and easier to blame on the man.
I've read countless blogs from women who "wished their husbands would change". However, none of them were able to talk about the changes they made for their husbands. For example, this lady could not deal with her husband always watching sports. She ended up going to a party where she met a gentleman who turned out to be a sportscaster. After their affair, she had an interest in baseball. Consequently, her husband started to show her more attention. This was probably because he took her interest in baseball as an attempt to grow closer to him...or he felt they had something new in common. Did it ever occur to her that she could have saved the "trouble", and her husband's dignity, if she showed the same fictitious interest from the beginning? She expected him to immerse himself in things that interested her, but felt she didn't have to reciprocate.
Women today feel they shouldn't give a man credit for "doing what he's supposed to do". But turn that logic back on women, and guess who feels unappreciated or unloved. Now the man is perceived as not doing what he's supposed to do and the woman begins giving "credit" to someone else. She has the nerve to wish her husband was more like her lover, but her lover isn't taking her kids to daycare, or following her in and out of every department store, or listening to her complain about his driving. As long as women keep playing that “supposed to” B.S., they will show their lovers a different level of appreciation than they show their husbands.
For women today to take so much pride in not needing a man, one would think they wouldn’t blame so much of their unhappiness on a man. Everything from the single mother to the adulterous wife is the man's fault. Until women take equal responsibility for their actions, men and women can never be equal. And "real men" will be better off single.
*REWRITTEN*
All cheating is detestable, but I absolutely despise women who cheat.
When a man cheats, which is usually for physical satisfaction, he meets the woman, has sex, and goes home. When a woman cheats, which is usually for emotional fulfillment, she meets the man, spills her emotions, HAS SEX, then goes home. If emotional fulfillment is what's lacking at home, why can't women find someone to talk to, and just talk, the way men find someone to have sex with, and have sex? Also, who let women decide for everyone that emotional fulfillment is more important than physical satisfaction? Right or wrong, this seems like a ploy to make a woman's adultery more acceptable...and easier to blame on the man.
I've read countless blogs from women who "wished their husbands would change". However, none of these women were able to talk about the changes they made for their husbands. For example, this lady could not deal with her husband always watching sports. She ended up going to a party where she met a gentleman who turned out to be a sportscaster. After their affair, she developed an interest in baseball. Consequently, her husband started to show her more attention. This was probably because he took her interest in baseball as an attempt to grow closer to him...or he felt they had something new in common. Did it ever occur to her that she could have saved the "trouble", and her husband's dignity, if she showed the same fictitious interest from the beginning? She expected him to immerse himself in things that interested her, but felt she shouldn’t have had to reciprocate.
Women today, feel they shouldn’t have to give a man credit for "doing what he's supposed to do". But turn that logic back on women, and they’ll feel unappreciated or unloved. The woman then defines that feeling as the man NOT doing what he's supposed to do and starts giving "credit" to someone else. She has the nerve to wish her husband was more like her lover, but her lover isn't taking her kids to daycare, or following her in and out of every department store, or listening to her complain about his driving. For the sake of discretion, he barely has to wine and dine her. All he has to do is offer a sympathetic ear for a short time, then he enjoys hours of sexual bliss. When was the last time it was that easy for the husband?
As long as women keep playing that “supposed to” B.S., they will show their lovers a different level of appreciation than what they show their husbands. Ironically, most of these lovers are the men their husbands COULD HAVE BEEN had they not settled down in the first place.
For all the pride that today’s woman takes in not needing a man, she seems to blame a lot of her unhappiness on a man. Everything from the single mother to the adulterous wife is the man's fault. Until women take equal responsibility for their actions, men and women can never be equal, and "real men" are better off single.
I was married for five years. I was a stay at home mom, and very dedicated to my husband and son. We had a really good life. Then one day a women at work stared flirting with my husband and he was the fool who fell for it. I filled for divorce two weeks after it happened and it wasn't until I had the moving truck packed up with all of our stuff did he tell me that he made the biggest mistake of his life. He finally showed emotion, and told me that he was sorry. I believed him that day, and even though it didn't make the pain any easier, it was closure for me. We share a son and we are finally a year later able to work together. I still love him, and pray that we can have another shot at it..but it's not up to me, it's up to my maker and that is what I am waiting on. He was a good man, he just made a really bad decision. I have grown up a lot. Actually it made me a better person and I think it has him too. If I never spend another day with that man, it's ok because I know I can do it with out him. and for that alone I am thankful. I am thankful that I found me...I had lost that while I was a married, stay at home mom...I am happy...what goes around comes around in some form or fashion. One day his heart will break the way he broke my families. It's sad to see him, because we definitely still care...but I have to know that I am absolutely loved, and until then...I'll be living my life
I've cheated on my partner with three different men. I am very much in love with my partner and plan on being with him for the rest of my life. I don't know what I would do if he ever found out. I don't really know why I cheated. I've known these men for years. I'd had sexual relationships with two of them before meeting the man I'm with now. Neither of them are good lovers, but yet I did it anyway. I feel guilty and I feel dirty and I feel ashamed. I cry about it almost everyday. It's been 4 months since anything has happened, yet I can't be so sure it won't happen again. I don't know if it's fear of being alone or fear of commitment.
My belief is that If a partner strays outside the relationship then he/she is not satisfied with what they have. I strongly believe in one chance only. I cannot date a guy twice because there is a reason we didn't stay together the first time. I know this can be a bit too much in some situations however is he cheats, then he obviously did not like/love me enough to be with only me. It is hard to move on from someone who you thought loves you, however it's not healthy to stay in a situation thinking that maybe your partner will change. Majority of the time, people change at their own pace and it's only when they want the change to happen.
i find this blog very helpful my husband has been cheating on me 6yrs says he cant just stop its a physioloical need adores and loves me and kid but this sx is a different side of his life im going to see therapist and may be even try seperation when i knew about him and his ways i thot ill wait for changes but i now i think i need to be away so can get a wake up call .
I have been married for 19 years and have been in a relationship with another for the past 4 1/2 years. The affair has been a roller coaster. I've known this other person my entire life and we are in love. It is so painful. He cries and begs me to come to him and I want to. I just can't stand to hurt my husband anymore. My husband found out twice...I probably will end up leaving because I truly do love this other man. My husband used to abuse me but when he found out about the affair, he has changed. I fear it is too late.
My SO has been talking to other women via cell phone for the past year. There are several numbers I have noticed frequently. In December, I asked him about them and he said nothing. Actually, he got angry and left the house. A few days ago, I asked him about a specific number that has shown up on his cell at least 3-4 times a week, sometimes 2xplus a day. He got quiet and went to bed. No response. I am seriously thinking about leaving. We have been in relationship 6years.Last June 2008 I confronted him about meeting women on the internet. He is a nice guy otherwise. I suspect he is doing something. Once he said when confronted I don't have time to see anybody. He owns his business. However, I have heard messages "I guess she won't let you answer the phone." I thought you were going to call when you found your keys. I guess you are having problems getting it together."I have heard other comments. When confronted about the internet he apologized and said it went too far, he exchanged numbers with the women. He had a profile on a dating site. I have told him "trust" is an issue at this point. I have been wondering and suspecting a secretive relationship outside our ? relationship. He says our relationship is not in trouble. I had a name and asked him about her and he said "its not like that". I thought our relationship was strong.I like kissing, hugging, holding and loving him. Frequency is about 3-5x/month. We talk, go out, and laugh together. Money is not an issue. I told him I was not going to keep asking about the numbers, there are several that come up freqently. Phone records do not lie, both dialed and received calls are noted on the bill. I feel there is something going on emotionally and/or physically. He says he wants our relationship. This behavior is very upsetting to me. I did share with him last year that I was going to do whatever I needed to do to take care of myself!!!! We currently live together. To date, he has not shared any information about the numbers I asked about. I have decided what I am going to do. This situation has started changing me. I like believing in people!! I would like to know what the community think of this situation.
After reading the artical, and some of the comments, I almost don't know whether to be for or against the "infidelity". My ex-wife left me for another man. I haven't been able to get back on the horse yet. I can understand how cheating, even when you already have a good sex life with your committed, can be exciting and fun. But in another sense, I don't understand, why you have to stoop to cheating. Why not let it known that even though you're happy with your committed, that you're curious to spice things up with swinging. I disagree if it's secretive, but if it is known all around, what's the problem. I know the secret is what makes it exciting, but it can come back to bite you in the butt. Please learn to be honest.
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