From the Sex Files: A Father and Son Talk
I was struck this week by a client's description of the "birds and bees talk" he got when he was about thirteen. His father suddenly said to him one day, "Let's go fishing this weekend." Fishing wasn't one of their regular activities, so even at thirteen, my client knew that something was up.
So, there they were - father in the front seat driving and son in the back seat looking at the back of his dad's head. Father was sweating bullets. Nevertheless he lurched along with some vagaries about sex being one of the great and beautiful things in life, in a marriage, between husband and wife. Then there was some more verbal stumbling and mumbling around that didn't make a lot of sense.
Then, his dad sort of turned his head and said, "We good? ... Great ... (phew) ... so ... you hungry? Let's eat." The sex talk was now complete.
My client meanwhile had already gotten what he now refers to as his mom's "meta message" - that sex before marriage would lead to burning in hell and disease - not that she had ever said those exact words to him. So, he now had the total sex education he could expect from his parents by age thirteen - both very one-sided communications and none of it eyeball to eyeball involving any dialogue.
I can't say that anyone has ever painted such a vivid picture of parental discomfort as this man did in his description of his fishing trip drive. He, admirably enough, has come to an acceptance of his father - both his strengths and his shortcomings.
My client told me this story because I had asked about it. We had been investigating some earlier life experiences that may have led to some of his adult decisions about sex. So far in his life he had participated in secretive sex outside his marriage and again in a later primary relationship. In his new marriage, he had almost begun in that direction.
Though at the time I did not make any specific connections to the sex talk and the sexual straying, I did find this sex talk scenario poignant. I realized that if parents need to make it impossible for their children to look them in the eye, they might as well hand them a book and say, "Read this." At least then, they'd get some information instead of only visible perspiration.
Here are three books that I really like to suggest for sex ed moments both for the tongue-tied and those who are more comfortable:
Parents often lament the sexualized culture in which their kids grow up. Here are some very handy tools to weaken the impact of that culture and to strengthen the impact of their family's values on that topic.
Related Topics: Technorati Tags: sex talk, Sex Files, health and wellness
So, there they were - father in the front seat driving and son in the back seat looking at the back of his dad's head. Father was sweating bullets. Nevertheless he lurched along with some vagaries about sex being one of the great and beautiful things in life, in a marriage, between husband and wife. Then there was some more verbal stumbling and mumbling around that didn't make a lot of sense.
Then, his dad sort of turned his head and said, "We good? ... Great ... (phew) ... so ... you hungry? Let's eat." The sex talk was now complete.
My client meanwhile had already gotten what he now refers to as his mom's "meta message" - that sex before marriage would lead to burning in hell and disease - not that she had ever said those exact words to him. So, he now had the total sex education he could expect from his parents by age thirteen - both very one-sided communications and none of it eyeball to eyeball involving any dialogue.
I can't say that anyone has ever painted such a vivid picture of parental discomfort as this man did in his description of his fishing trip drive. He, admirably enough, has come to an acceptance of his father - both his strengths and his shortcomings.
My client told me this story because I had asked about it. We had been investigating some earlier life experiences that may have led to some of his adult decisions about sex. So far in his life he had participated in secretive sex outside his marriage and again in a later primary relationship. In his new marriage, he had almost begun in that direction.
Though at the time I did not make any specific connections to the sex talk and the sexual straying, I did find this sex talk scenario poignant. I realized that if parents need to make it impossible for their children to look them in the eye, they might as well hand them a book and say, "Read this." At least then, they'd get some information instead of only visible perspiration.
Here are three books that I really like to suggest for sex ed moments both for the tongue-tied and those who are more comfortable:
It's Not the Stork: A Book about Girls, Boys, Babies, Bodies, Families, and Friends, by Robie Harris. It's aimed at ages four and up (or younger if this child has older siblings, is an "older" three, or if you want to sit and talk it through one or two pages at a time).
It's So Amazing! A Book About Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families, by Robie Harris. It's aimed at age seven and up. (I've used this with my five-year old, but with lots of dialogue.)
It's Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex and Sexual Health, by Robie Harris. (I find ten the right time to start with this book.)
Parents often lament the sexualized culture in which their kids grow up. Here are some very handy tools to weaken the impact of that culture and to strengthen the impact of their family's values on that topic.
Related Topics: Technorati Tags: sex talk, Sex Files, health and wellness
5 Comments:
Thank you for this. Our abstinence education programs are doing kids today at dis-service. Read any of the WebMD relationship, pregnancy, and sex-related message boards and you'll find way, way too many questions from young people who are wildly misinformed about their bodies and sexuality.
It would be nice if these kids didn't have to reach out to strangers on a website for accurate information, and could get it at school or from honest parents. The number of posts alone should tell us they WANT this information!
Hmm. We did not do really well with our kids. My two sons were at least as nervous as I was when I was giving them the low-down, and I tried to be as complete as possible. And as young as possible.
My best success... I was a Scout Leader and had only one boy for a whole year. He had ADHD really bad. I knew his mom pretty well. He started asking questions about AIDS which led me to understand he knew Nothing and was extremely anxious to know, and that his single mom was going to tell him nothing.
I made a snap decision, probably risky, to give him the dump of information. So we sat on a wall in a public place for a couple of hours while I was extremely explicit. No ADHD this time!
Fortunately his mom was very grateful. He was informed. I lost touch, so I do not know how the intervening 17 years happened, he would be 28 now. But it was a good experience.
I didn't know exactly what to say to my kids, but we talked a lot about what was right and wrong in my liberal opinion. And they seem to be doing ok as adults. Fortunately the educational system had a more realistic approach to sex education when they were young.
In my case, my dad especially, was very clear about not getting someone pregnant. He said "Be good! And if you can't be good, be careful." I don't remember all the details of how I learned it, but I was really clear that getting pregnant could happen with semen anywhere near the vagina. And I knew that the popular practice of “pulling out” would be completely ineffective at preventing pregnancy. Beyond that, I learned about caring, commitment and boundaries from my parents and my peer group. I don't think there was ever a "talk" in the classical sense about the mechanics or the values.
Of course, when I was 13, Walt Disney was trying to sue Annette Funicello for exposing her navel in one of the Beach Blanket movies. Oh how things have changed, huh. But I think kids still derive their core sexual values from their families. Again though, the nuclear family is something completely different than it was in my childhood. Consequently, I think that the educational system should be doing a lot more than is possible through "abstinence only" sex education to inform young people about the mechanics of sexuality. While “abstinence” may be a great goal there needs to be a realistic approach to what is going on in the lives of young people. Unless parents actually “abstained” only, which we know for a fact most did not, then the kids are getting a mixed message and end up having to follow to their instincts; which is a mixed bag at best.
:>)
I am so thankful that I didn't get "the talk."
My mom was given a pad and a pamphlet when she got her first period at 13. Other than that, nothing from my Gram.
So my mom didn't want that to happen to us. I don't remember not having an understanding of "where babies come from" or "finding out" that someday puberty would happen.
I also knew from a young age that sex is natural, my family believes sex should be for marriage, if someone makes the choice to have sex they should protect themselves from STDs and unplanned pregnancy, and that if anything "happened" to me, ie pregnancy it would have been okay to come to them.
By the criteria I use, this approach worked well compared to many of my friends' experiences.
If we can teach our kids that there is a time and a place to go to the bathroom, there shouldn't be a problem with teaching them that there is a time and a place to have sex...and that there are times and places to NOT. It SHOULD be the parent's responsibility to do the research necessary to adequately inform their kids...there is no excuse not to. But, we know that it won't happen for many, so we rely on public education to do so instead. But teaching someone about sex without having a real relationship with them is going to be minimally effective at best. That is why all these kids are on the boards and calling Dr. Drew for advice, because they don't have relationships with adults they trust and look up to. It doesn't matter what you teach, abstinence, "safe sex", etc, if it doesn't come from someone who has a relationship it will not make much of a lasting impact.
Post a Comment