From The Sex Files: More Fetishes

Here's another unusual, true story.

About six years ago, I received an email from a prospective client who stated that he wanted my help in managing some discussions with his fiancee about a fetish of his before they got married. I replied that I would be happy to help him with this and we set an appointment.

I briefly thought to myself, "Hmmmm... what fetish will this be? Leather, lace, rubber, infantilism...?" (If you haven't heard the term, don't let your mind wander in a worrisome direction. It has nothing to do with actual children. It's the idea that one partner is a baby, dresses like one, and is cared for by the other person in that manner.) It's not that often that help is requested for the first two, but the last two (and other unusual ones) do sometimes require some assistance.

My new client and his fiancee came to their scheduled appointment and filled out their first appointment forms. Then he began to explain his fetish.

It turned out that he was very aroused by the sight of a woman having a hair cut. Yes, the hair on her head. Several thoughts instantly zinged through my mind. The first was somewhat personal: "Gee, even at the hair salon, there may be someone lurking and watching!" The second involved his fiancee; she had very straight hair that was cut in a somewhat stylish page boy. With some of her jawline showing, it was as short as it could be while still looking attractive. I thought, "I bet she used to have much longer hair!"

My hunch was correct. Quite often, as part of his getting aroused, he would cut a short amount of her hair. In fact, she had begun their relationship with much longer hair.

We spent some of our therapy time thinking through what might have led to his fetish. The only experience that seemed to contribute somehow was my client's emotional response at age ten to his parents' decision to have a large tree in their front yard chopped down. He was saddened by losing it and he had not had known before the event that it was scheduled to happen. He felt there might be some connection between his fetish and that event. Beyond that, we had no idea what had led to his erotic attraction to seeing women having their hair cut.

My work with them amounted to some "normalizing" (a term mental health professionals use to help clients feel less stigmatized about something) their experience together. I let them know that many couples create sexual patterns that are uniquely their own. There seemed to be no harm in their sex play. She was not upset by her hairstyle -- just concerned.

My client was quite helpful in "normalizing" this as well. It turned out that there were several websites that offered pictures of attractive women having their hair cut. My client had himself visited these sites when further cutting on his fiancee's hair would have resulted in odd looking hair (as well as prior to meeting her).

This client's interests again sent the message home to me that sexual arousal involves a wide array of possibilities. Websites for sexual imagery don't exist in a vacuum. There were probably lots of people viewing these images and finding them arousing. And I thought that I'd heard everything after twenty-two years practicing sex therapy in San Francisco.

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From The Sex Files: Fetishes

I am often asked what's the most unusual story that I've ever heard in my office. Several come to mind. Here's one.

About twenty years ago, when I had only been a sex therapist for a few years, a man then in his forties came in and described his fetishistic relationship with a particular sound. Yes, that's right -- a sound.

When he was about ten years old, he and his buddies would play baseball in the dead end street where they lived. An attractive young, married woman lived on the street. She had a car that was difficult to start. She would get in the car and attempt to start it and this often took a while. The boys would all move to the side of the street and wait for her to get the car started and drive down the street through the middle of their game. Because my client found her attractive, he found the somewhat whining sound of a car engine that "just won't turn over" eventually became linked to feelings of sexual arousal.

When he became old enough to drive, my client began to create his own "damsel in distress" situations that reminded him of his attractive neighbor's struggle with her car. He would drive to a local shopping area and wait until he saw an attractive woman park her car. While she was in doing her grocery shopping, he would lift the hood of the car (hood locks were yet to be invented) and pull a wire loose on her distributor cap. Then he would wait for her to return to her car.

She'd get in and struggle with getting the car started. He'd watch, gathering his fantasy material for a while. Then, he would go to the woman and ask if she needed help with getting her car started. He'd then go under the hood and replace the wire he'd moved earlier. She'd thank him, grateful for his help, and he'd work his way toward asking her out on a date. This worked out several times and once even progressed into a long term relationship.

As I sat listening to his story, I realized two things. First, given the right circumstances, a person could develop an eroticism for probably any sound. That meant that it was likely that somewhere someone probably gets turned on by the sound of a blender or fingernails on a chalkboard. Second, I couldn't help but think that this story gave a new meaning to the term "auto-eroticism."

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Are ALL Welcome?

A church in Carlsbad, CA recently faced a complex religious issue when a former inmate revealed to the congregation that he had been in prison for molesting children. He had been seeking a place to worship and liked this particular church.

His request pushed this close-knit congregation into a series of challenging discussions about how exactly they intended to live their faith in real, "this world" conditions. After all, they had a sign in front of the church reading "All are welcome." All means all -- or does it?

One might instantly say that all does mean all. But, imagine if you are a teen or an adult who had been sexually exploited earlier in life. Would you be able to deal with sitting next to someone whom you knew had perpetrated some similar act on others? How might that affect your endeavors to move on in your life? Might that impede your progress in therapy?

But, on the other hand, where in the world might we want a convicted sex offender to turn once released from prison having served their time? Doesn't organized religion and places of worship seem like a very good place to seek support, guidance and community? Aren't we seeking a world in which sex offenders don't re-offend? Isn't a sex offender likely to resist re-offending when counsel, compassion, and understanding are freely offered?

According to Rev. Debra Haffner, director of the Religious Institute on Sexual Morality, Justice and Healing in Norwalk, CN, congregations have always had sex offenders, but they have mostly not been known to the members of that congregation. Parole officers have recommended that offenders seek places of worship for support. It's been a “good fit” if the congregation just didn't know.

This particular man decided to be open about his past instead. Some members of the congregation indicated that they would leave the church if he were permitted to attend. Others indicated that they would leave the church if he were not permitted to attend. It's become a balancing act between fears and principles for that congregation.

As one church leader put it, can congregations serve the needs of all its congregants? This church is struggling to decide whose needs they are serving. For now, the former inmate is not attending the main church service and instead meeting with a small group of willing attendants from that church. (One other church, when facing the same question, held two services so that those who did not want to worship with a sex offender could attend the other service.)

Just where does a church draw the line? It seems easier for many to draw the line at sex offenders. Even prisoners (including those who have taken life) have their own skewed sense of indignation toward sex offenders in prisons -- as though death was infinitely and always preferable to sexual exploitation (in no way do I mean to minimize the potential effects of the latter experience).

Yet, in our culture sex has a unique type of phobia attached to it if it is unlawfully expressed. Politicians seem to hold a type of pride when vilifying a sex offender -- nearly always greater than other types of offenders. If a "Megan's List" for murderers exists, it certainly has not gotten similar publicity. It leads me to wonder if there is a Megan's List for murderers available on the Internet.

I think that places of worship will want to stop and think quite clearly about placing a sign in front which states that "all are welcome." And, if there's one out there, they should be ready to handle dilemmas like the one presented in Carlsbad.

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Testosterone for Women

Some commenters on the "Perfect Moment" post had questions about testosterone supplementation. Rather than posting in the comments, I'll give you the basics here about supplementing testosterone for women.

If there are no problematic symptoms (such as facial hair, deepening of the voice, enlargement of the clitoris -- which can occur with topical application directly to the clitoris), some physicians do not retest women's testosterone levels.

I prefer to play it completely safe and gather the data from blood testing with my clients. I recommend retesting of Sex Hormone Binding Globulin (SHBG), Total Testosterone (TT), and liver function every 1 - 2 years. At this point, I am not seeing any research that recommends discontinuing testosterone supplementation (particularly if it is being applied transdermally -- which means "through the skin"). With oral testosterone, there is more potential for an effect on the liver.

The values for the TT and SHBG can then be plugged into the online calculator here. Females should have a value for their free testosterone (FT) that falls between 0.4 - 0.8 ng/dl.

Once testosterone supplementation has begun, the ovaries and adrenal glands (which are the primary sources of testosterone production in females) tend to decrease their own output. So, in order to keep the benefits of testosterone supplementation, a female needs to continue it. Adding testosterone does not "wake up" testosterone production -- if anything, it can help it "fall asleep."

Cost can be a factor in making such a decision, but supplementing testosterone via a transdermal method certainly costs much less than a cup of coffee each day.

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Is Homosexuality "Against Nature?"

In November, 2006 a natural history museum exhibit opened in Oslo, Norway that features 51 species of animals that routinely exhibit homosexual behavior. It's called "Against Nature?" According to the project coordinator of the exhibition, Petter Bockman, homosexuality has been observed in 1,500 species and the phenomenon has been described in detail for 500 of them.

Scientists rarely discuss this topic. Many people who oppose homosexuality often refer to the behavior as "unnatural" and will even say, "You don't see animals doing that!" to prove their point. It turns out they are wrong.

Scientists tend not to discuss it because it doesn't appear to benefit the cause of continuing the species, the driving force assumed to underlie most behaviors and traits in living things. Yet, scientists may need to reconsider their slant on this. Furthering the species may not always be the ultimate goal.

Many animals -- especially humans -- engage in sexual activities much more than is needed for reproduction. Some scientists will offer other explanations including the one about homosexual behavior occurring for purposes of dominance, but some experts in the field just think it's about sexual pleasure -- pure and simple.

There are also scientists who hold the position that there may be some evolutionary benefits, such as alliances and protection among animals of the same sex -- best friends who "hook up," if you'll pardon the anthropomorphism.

Then there are interesting "couples" like the black swans. About 25% of these birds are raised by male-male "parents." Male couples sometimes mate with a female just to have a baby swan. Once she lays the egg, they chase her away, hatch the egg themselves and raise their baby swan.

Then there are the animals that just don't follow the "he and she" model. Some species have both male and female sex organs. And, many sea life species have no real "sex life." They just squirt their eggs or semen into the sea -- on the chance that it connects with the complementary part that also happens to be floating around in those same waters just then.

Animal homosexuality is poorly understood and many educators shy away from teaching it -- fearing that assumptions will be made about them. Others do not want to encounter the response of prejudiced and reactive people.

Why did I write about homosexual animals? To illuminate the lack of scientific basis for the argument that a homosexual way of life cannot be accepted among humans because it is against the "laws of nature." Fifteen hundred species (not individual organisms) can't all be "deviant" -- whatever that word means -- and after all, they are a part of "nature."

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Photo Credit: jb-foto