From The Sex Files: She Had a "Requirement" for Orgasm

Last week I met with a client I had not seen in about five years. He was filling me in on all that had gone on in his life: his work, his former obsession with playing a particular online game, the emptying out of the contents of his childhood home precipitated by his aging mother's move near her relatives, his rapid ejaculation, and about the women with whom he had been sexual. I heard about one partner who had an unusual requirement in order for her to reach her orgasm.

She needed to be holding his penis with her hand.

I realized instantly that she would not be part of the 30% of women who are able to have an orgasm during intercourse. (You can't hold it in your hand if it's already inside of you.) And then I tried to conjure up positions in which two people could arrange themselves that would permit this type of holding: various arrangements of oral stimulation of her by him and a handful of ones that would allow his manual stimulation of her.

Vibrator use also came to mind. Then I realized that all sorts of sexual stimulation could work for her if the crucial ingredient was that she be able to hold his penis at the same time. So, what initially seemed like an impediment to a sexual relationship actually started in some ways to look like a benefit.

It sounded like this "holding" added a lot - if I understood him correctly. If her hand was "happy," then her sexuality was "happy." It's that way with a fetish. Just one aspect of a sexual situation can carry the whole experience forward in an increasingly arousing direction.

Fetishes are often the "holders" for a person's sexuality. They sometimes spring from people's discomfort with integrating the fact that they are sexual. Rather than weave an acceptance of sexuality throughout their definition of who they are, people with fetishes tend to keep it fairly compartmentalized. They take the "holder" out of the closet whenever they want to be sexual. Then, when they're done, they put it back.

As I reflected on the possible background of this woman I'd never met, I thought about several things.

• She had turned her "holder" into a "holding."
• Some men might really enjoy her having this need.
• Fetishes for women are fairly uncommon when compared to men - why that is, I'm not sure.

All of this suggested that there was probably a unique tale to be told by her - but not one that I would likely ever learn.

Related Topics:

• Looking for Love: Understanding What You Need
• 10 Secrets to a Better Love Life

Technorati Tags: sex, fetish, health and wellness

The Four Paths to Conflict Resolution

Photo: Masahiro Hayata

Over and over again this week I found myself explaining what in the field of psychotherapy is commonly called "the four methods of conflict resolution." I actually view these approaches as "the four ways to get to an agreement." Three of the methods are commonly used and often put couples into resentment and disharmony. But the fourth is quite good and can help a relationship stay on a healthy course. Of course, it's not always easy to do.

The first approach is Competition. It involves struggling to dominate the other person, avoid granting his or her desire, and just plain getting one's way. The motto for this approach is: "I win and you lose."

The second style is Accommodation. The person who solves differences by accommodation gives up on his or her wishes and rolls over to the other person's choices. The motto for this style is: "I lose and you win."

The third path is Compromise. Many folks think that this is the best option for resolving differences, but actually, it's not all that good. When compromise occurs, both people wind up giving up on something that they want - and typically they linger arguing over who gave up more! This motto is: "I lose and you lose."

The most useful choice is Cooperation. This involves a sometimes complicated (but worthwhile) endeavor to figure out what both parties want and then look for a way to have that happen. The motto is: "I win and you win."

Cooperation requires that the two individuals figure out exactly what is at the root of their desires. This may mean stripping away lots of little extras that can get tacked onto "their side" of the matter. Here's an example.

Suppose that a couple is planning a vacation. They may bicker and debate about where to go. All sorts of issues may be rolled up in this "ball of wax." But, if the couple really does some soul searching, they might realize that he wants to go someplace that is not too expensive (since he has other destinations for some of his money). She may say, "What I really want is to go to a tropical destination."

So, let's take it from his viewpoint. If competition is used, they would go to Motel Six in Oregon. It's certainly cheap, but it's neither tropical nor really cold in the summer.

If accommodation is used, they would go to a Marriott in Mexico. It's certainly tropical there, but it's not going to be such a bargain.

If compromise is their way of deciding, they'd head to Alaska and stay at the Ritz Carlton (if there is one there). It's cold and expensive. They both lose and I could easily picture a lot of displeasure with that outcome.

But, if it's cooperation that they choose, they'd pick an inexpensive little spot in Mexico. It's tropical and no one had to run up high bills on the charge card.

It takes the willingness to search out what really matters in order for cooperation to work. I find myself spending ample time with clients learning what those bottom line desires really are. When these desires are acknowledged, urges toward simply "winning" can be replaced with finding that great solution that leaves a smile on both faces.

Related Topics:

• Happy Couples: What It Takes to Be One
• Be Nice, Don't Nitpick

Technorati Tags: marriage, couples, happiness, conflict resolution, health and wellness

Secretive Sex Outside a Committed Relationship

This may seem like a complicated way to title a post. But, it is the way that I view it. There are committed relationships - married and unmarried - in which sex with someone other than one's partner is OK. I'm not thinking about that kind of sex today. I'm thinking about the secret kind - the kind people often call "affairs" or "cheating."

Right now I have five heterosexual couples and one gay male couple in my therapy practice in which secretive sex has occurred. These couples all share the similarity of the male having gone outside the relationship (though I have had many couples in which it's been the female and in other same-sex couples in which a female has strayed). These current couples are all married, except two. The gay male couple didn't take advantage of the brief time period when San Francisco was granting marriage licenses. And one of the heterosexual couples has lived together for more than a year. All but two involved sex with one or more females. The other two couples (one of these, the gay male couple) involved sexual activity with a male.

I want to describe some of what people go through when someone in a relationship has sexual contact with someone other than his or her committed romantic partner. It's a complicated topic; many books have been written about it. I'd like to add some of my thoughts about it from working in the trenches with people who are trying to put their relationship back together once the sex is no longer a secret. The fact that they are in therapy is a statement that they would both like to work it out. Some couples don't make it that far.

Each of these relationships also had issues running that hadn't really been acknowledged. Things like: untreated alcoholism, a sense of being insignificant, unexplored curiosity about sex with a man, imbalances in the areas of work, contributions and earnings, and difficulties managing anger.

The couples I'm currently seeing had another thing in common. None of the women really saw it coming. They were rather surprised when they happened to come across information, such as email or cell phone bills, that struck them as odd.

All report feeling like someone hit them with a two by four when they discovered their mate's sexual activities. Their ability to trust was reduced to almost none. One, in particular, began asking her mate to account for his time at all times. It wound up being very difficult for them because he was put into the predicament of lying when he tried to create a surprise trip for her birthday and a special treat on their anniversary. She is now facing choosing between surprises (which she really enjoys) and having her moment-by-moment knowledge of his whereabouts -- because he just doesn't want to lie to her anymore. I suspect she'll let go of surprises because she can't stand not knowing exactly where he is.

Another couple is wrangling with the issue that there will likely be an intersection between their lives and that of a secretive sex partner of his out in the community. Another has already run into that issue. There can be repercussions related to the work environment and one couple is coping with that.

These men generally do not want to discuss the details of their sex outside the relationship. Yet, almost uniformly their mates definitely want to know. Getting this information seems to help them feel less insecure, even though the details of the secretive sex contain information that hurts to learn.

In seeking this information, the betrayed are often trying to remedy the shock aspect of the situation. They attempt to piece together the signs that could have told them that this was coming or that it was even a possibility. They start explaining to themselves how this happened and often re-examine ambiguous situations looking for useful clues. Sometimes they think, "How could I have been so stupid?!"

In my experience, it takes an entire year for most couples to sense true progress after secretive sex has come to light. The partner who discovers it seems to need to go through all the seasons, all the holidays, and live through the anniversary date of the discovery - before it feels remotely safe to begin to trust again.

Related Topics:

• Virtual Sex: Threat to Real Intimacy?
• Nip Infidelity in the Bud

Technorati Tags: sex, infidelity, cheating, affairs, sexual health