End of Year Reflections: Part One -- Parenting Our Parents

This is a bit of a departure from the usual focus of my blog. Some of these thoughts brush up against aspects of sexuality, but not in the usual way you have found them here.

Last week, I found myself talking to some new clients who had entered therapy to reinvigorate the sexual part of their marriage. As she so deftly put it, "I would like to want sex with my husband to match how much I love him."

As we examined important aspects of their lives together that usually have a bearing on this type of change, things like job demands, time spent apart, bedtimes, and the ambiance of their bedroom; I focused on some of the strengths of their circumstances.

They truly like each other. They've been friends since their teens. They respect each other. They both earnestly avoid hurting each other.

Then one other strength of their situation emerged. She had a sister living nearby to whom she could entrust the overnight care of the two children who were still at home. When there are family members nearby who can take the kids while the couple goes away over night, that's a very good sign for a couple looking to restore their sexual connection. (Of course, a sitter can always be hired, but the childcare cost on top of the lodging costs make the trip unaffordable for some.) Many couples find that they can kick off such a change when they can get away for an overnight or weekend. There's often something more exciting and enticing about doing it in somebody else's room. It's a good way to begin again when there's been a "dry spell."

When they had gone, my thoughts turned to my previous week and the siblings in our lives. In fact, all my husband's siblings were in town for the holidays from Maine, New York, and Montana -- no such luck for us with nearby relatives. They had all gathered here because their 82-year old mom (who lives here) has lung cancer and no one knows what next year's holiday season will bring.

As an only child, my family is always present and accounted for -- my 94-year old mom lives here too. So, with our aging mothers and as parents of a five - and an eight-year old, our friends are fond of calling us the "triple-decker sandwich" generation. (Yes, if anyone is doing the math, we are late breeders on my side of the family.)

Then my thoughts wandered to my mom, who had managed to have a really bad week. She was diagnosed with pneumonia on Monday and on Thursday had fallen either because of a heart attack or in falling caused a heart attack. The fall had left her with two contusions on her head and a very bruised neck, but miraculously, no broken bones. We spent the customary nine hours in the ER and got her admitted to the hospital by 5 am. Friday morning. Did I forget to mention that she has Alzheimer's?

Then, lots of tests, trying to figure out what all had happened and what more was to come. I learned that my mom's heart was pumping at only 25% ejection fraction -- not good. I asked the hospitalist physician whether I needed to be investigating hospice care for her. He agreed that I should look into it and made the referral.

The hospice nurse came the next day to evaluate my mom. Long story made short, though the doctor did recommend it, my mother did not qualify for hospice with the group that evaluated her. Her ejection fraction needed to be 20%! Since this was a federal program funded by Medicare, I assumed that the hospice issue was closed. My mother was just not close enough to death's door.

The next day, my mom seemed worse. The pneumonia did not seem to be clearing. So, on Sunday I went to the beautiful cemetery one town over and made arrangements. As the very nice "Family Service Counselor" put it, I should decide about everything on my mother's burial so that when she was no longer "pending," things would be easier at "the time of need." (Every field has its own lexicon!)

Trying to summarize her life with three "emblems" and eight words of my choosing for her gravestone turned out to be much more difficult than I ever thought it would be. Even though she had lived into her mid-nineties, I realized that I wasn't ready for her life to end. Luckily, there were boxes of Kleenex at every stage of the process -- from caskets to funeral services. I eventually wrote: "She was the best mom that she could be." I knew that though my mom had her limitations, she had devoted herself to parenting 100%.

Related Topics:

• Helping through Hospice
• When Your Parents Depend on You

Technorati Tags: parents, parenting, sandwich generation, holidays, family, sexuality

From the Sex Files: Squeaky Beds at Holiday Time

In my therapy office the past week the most frequently discussed topic was sleeping arrangements for the upcoming holidays. We analyzed everything from etiquette to squeaking mattress as my clients contemplated visiting their parents, in-laws and their intended future relatives.

Some folks related that they felt sexually constrained during these visits. No activity would occur for them. Others found that they were stimulated by the naughtiness of doing it under their parents' roof. That also varied. One son-in-law was interested in being "naughty" at his wife's family home, yet another man was the more hesitant party when at his in-laws' home.

We also covered the issue of shared walls during holiday visits. None of my clients were going to face an actual shared wall with parents, but some did have an "upstairs, downstairs" arrangement. We discussed headboards that tap (or bang) the wall and the implied meanings of such transmissions of sound. Some considered it a measure of sexual prowess, but others winced at the intimacy of parents or in-laws hearing their "sexual rhythms."

Mind you, everyone discussing this issue was well over the age of 21. These were not college students still on the dole from their parents. Yet, for some, the stay in their family's homes invoked old and current issues like: parental disapproval of one's choice of mate, repercussions over marital straying known to the family, power struggles about decision making during the visit, concerns about conceiving a child, and sharing one's mate with the holiday hosts.

I did remind several people that their parents might well be concerned about their sexual privacy and that this street runs both ways. And, while these folks could acknowledge that their parents did have sex by virtue of their own existence, it was a thought that they tended to banish quite quickly.

Related Topics:

• Keep Your Sex Life Alive Post-Kids
• Sex Drive: How Do Men and Women Compare?

Technorati Tags: sex, squeky beds, holidays, Christmas

From the Sex Files: Lowered Expectations

Today in my therapy office I had a session with a man who had decided that he was going to accept his situation and lower his expectations about his wife. Normally, I'm a fan of people reducing their strenuous expectations of their mate and getting more reality into the picture. Today I felt differently.

I had worked with this man for a little over a year. He initially had come in to discuss his concerns about his own sexual functioning. He wanted to learn to last longer. Among the information I had offered him was the useful book by Jacob Williams, Premature Ejaculation: New Hope for an Old Problem. We had discussed issues such as anxiety, self-acceptance, and not viewing sex as a performance.

But what had led him into my office after a twenty-year marriage? It turned out that he was there because he wanted to last longer with an extramarital partner.

During the course of the year, the secretive sex with this woman came to an end. She was married also and had entered therapy with her husband to try to work it out. There were some restarts between them and some more stops, but ultimately it ended several months ago. We continued to meet and pondered his sexual coming of age and his beliefs about sexuality now. At heart, he was a fairly romantic person. Yet, today we ran into one of the problems of a certain kind of romantic image of sexuality.

Throughout his whole life, he had wanted to be with a woman who really desired him - desire that did not fade over time. His wife's sexual frequency had dwindled when kids were added to their lives - like nearly every couple. The rejection he experienced during those years were pretty discouraging and had led him to feel that there was little hope of his ever finding this type of sexual intimacy with his wife.

Yet, the kids were now much more independent. I encouraged him to approach his wife again with any one of the following questions and statements:

"Do you ever want to know more about me and what I think?"

"I want you to get to know me more."

"I'd like to get to know you more."

"I'd like to last longer during sex. I've read this book. Would you be willing to read it also?"

We talked about the courage that it would take to offer these words. I had told him that it takes real courage to want to connect deeply, intimately, and sexually. Few people can really handle it. Allowing someone to mean that much can be a personally risky position. It's difficult to handle knowing that there's one person who matters that much to you. He said, "Like going out on a ledge." So, theoretically, he understood.

But when I suggested some of the practical ways to begin to have a conversation with his wife, not about his affair, but about his dilemma - he realized that having the courage to go out on his personal ledge was more than he thought he could do. I wasn't asking that he reveal the affair, just that he try to change the things in his relationship that had led him there.

He said, "Maybe I don't have the courage." Throughout our sessions, he often said that he didn't want to push his wife. I agreed that pushing wasn't likely to bring them closer together. But inviting his wife's interest and curiosity in something that mattered to him would not be pushing.

I said that if he had been my husband, I surely would have wanted a chance to consider the things that interested him, that relying on her answers from a decade ago wasn't really doing her justice. He said that he would think it over. But, I sensed that he had really decided to lower his expectations and that would be his solution - that and perhaps another affair.

Related Topics:

• When the Thrill Is Gone
• Passionate Marriage

Technorati Tags: sex, marriage, passion

Oatmeal Does What?

Nearly twenty-five years ago, when I was studying for my comprehensive exams for my Ph.D. in sexology, I had to learn a certain amount of history as it pertained to cultural beliefs about sexuality. I learned it - though I had no picture of why some of it might be particularly useful. But because of my study of history, it turned out that I got to have a private chuckle a few days ago.

But, before the chuckle, here's the bit of history that came to mind.

In the early 20th century, there was a strong cultural urge to suppress sexual self-stimulation. The most creative (if not diabolical) minds developed many inventions to curb this practice of masturbation - some of them quite "pinchy." They had a fairly righteous agenda in mind. But, the entrepreneurs of the time also spotted a ripe opportunity in the hysteria.

All it took was the widespread circulation of the equivalent of today's "urban legend" that hot cereal, when consumed at breakfast, stimulated the urge to masturbate. Enter John Harvey Kellogg (of Battlecreek fame) with his line of cold cereals and a certain Sylvester Graham of Graham Crackers. These dry morsels of food (served with cold milk) certainly could not be accused of stimulating the libido - and, as it turned out, also claimed the supposed moral high ground of suppressing it. And so, a few fortunes began.

With the colder weather setting in, lately I had been serving my eight-year old son oatmeal for breakfast. When he and I happened to be alone at the kitchen table, he said, "Mom, I don't think I want oatmeal for breakfast any more."

"Why not, do you want something else?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"This cereal gives me erections."

"Is that right?"

"Yes, I've got one right now."

"Oh, sweetie. That's just your body's way of checking that your penis is working fine. It will do that from time to time while you're awake and four to six times at night while you're sleeping."

"Really?"

"Yep, really. So, it's not the cereal, though there are some famous men who thought so and made a bunch of money telling other people that it did."

"OK, Mom."

Related Topics:

• Beyond Oatmeal
• Your Guide to Masturbation

Technorati Tags: oatmeal, masturbation, sexuality