Valentine's Day: Love on Demand
For as long as I've been writing for readers (other than my college professors), I've been asked to write something about Valentine's Day when the holiday approaches. So, readers of The San Francisco Examiner, onhealth.com, WebMDmagazine and WebMD.com have been subjected to my somewhat contrarian views about the holiday for about fifteen years. Here we go again.
Today I found that I'm not alone when I read Nancy Gibbs' essay, "A Time to Forget," in Time magazine (the 2/18/2008 issue). As she puts it, true romance comes unscheduled, ripens over time, and includes private jokes, sudden kisses and flowers for no particular reason. She wraps it all up with the apt Shakespeare quote: "Love sought is good, but given unsought is better."
So true. I can recall a number of clients for whom Valentine's Day has been a real white- knuckle time. Somehow the burden of orchestrating Valentine's Day has fallen primarily upon men. In heterosexual couples, the men sweat whether they will be viewed as having done enough. Or, maybe they are reminded of it on the radio or get a text message from their significant other "hinting" about it and realize that they've forgotten. They then buy some flowers from those folks on the street corners as they drive home that day. Or, perhaps they forget altogether.
Women are often in two categories: 1) Having high hopes of getting exactly the expression of love they wanted (or something even better and beyond that!) or 2) Wondering if their mate will do anything at all. In same-sex couples, the assigned Valentine's roles get quite blurry and each person in the relationship is free to choose among any of these very uncomfortable positions.
I've found that unhitched couples often do much more when it comes to celebrating Valentine's Day. It's a bit like an audition -- "See how romantic and creative I can be? Now can I actually get the part??" My own dating life had aspects of that.
Once one does "get the part," Valentine's Day can morph in several directions. There's the "newlywed" (legal or via commitment ceremonies for same-sex couples) phase. Special efforts are made to confirm that we're not an old, tired couple. Later, for couples who choose this route, there's the "we've-had-kids" phase when a romantic dinner out requires a sitter and throws off the typical school night routine (unless it happens to fall on a weekend).
Then a strange thing occurs -- children are brought in on the holiday. Kids are writing out a Valentine card to each kid in class and sending them to their parents. For my five-year old, it became an exercise in writing out the names of nineteen kids and signing his name that many times (quite a task!). I had purchased Spiderman cards and he was quite happy with my selection. But, buying his eight-year old brother Spiderman cards was a huge mistake. "Mom, Spiderman is so kindergarten. You should've gotten Harry Potter or Yu-Gi-Oh." Will someone remind me what all this has to do with romance or sexy lingerie? Or love?
Valentine's Day isn't the first holiday to be unnecessarily expanded through clever marketing and never-ending attempts to surprise the public -- even with the absurd (potatoes carved in the shape of a heart available online?). No doubt, there will be electronic Valentine's cards and text abbreviations of "bvf" ("best Valentine forever") soaring through the cables on Thursday.
Valentine's Day has become an event filled with pressure to love on demand -- and that's the very antithesis of romance or good sex. More important than cards, candy and flowers will be hearing, "I love you" on February 15th.
Related Topics:
Technorati Tags: Valentines, love, sex, relationships
Today I found that I'm not alone when I read Nancy Gibbs' essay, "A Time to Forget," in Time magazine (the 2/18/2008 issue). As she puts it, true romance comes unscheduled, ripens over time, and includes private jokes, sudden kisses and flowers for no particular reason. She wraps it all up with the apt Shakespeare quote: "Love sought is good, but given unsought is better."So true. I can recall a number of clients for whom Valentine's Day has been a real white- knuckle time. Somehow the burden of orchestrating Valentine's Day has fallen primarily upon men. In heterosexual couples, the men sweat whether they will be viewed as having done enough. Or, maybe they are reminded of it on the radio or get a text message from their significant other "hinting" about it and realize that they've forgotten. They then buy some flowers from those folks on the street corners as they drive home that day. Or, perhaps they forget altogether.
Women are often in two categories: 1) Having high hopes of getting exactly the expression of love they wanted (or something even better and beyond that!) or 2) Wondering if their mate will do anything at all. In same-sex couples, the assigned Valentine's roles get quite blurry and each person in the relationship is free to choose among any of these very uncomfortable positions.
I've found that unhitched couples often do much more when it comes to celebrating Valentine's Day. It's a bit like an audition -- "See how romantic and creative I can be? Now can I actually get the part??" My own dating life had aspects of that.
Once one does "get the part," Valentine's Day can morph in several directions. There's the "newlywed" (legal or via commitment ceremonies for same-sex couples) phase. Special efforts are made to confirm that we're not an old, tired couple. Later, for couples who choose this route, there's the "we've-had-kids" phase when a romantic dinner out requires a sitter and throws off the typical school night routine (unless it happens to fall on a weekend).
Then a strange thing occurs -- children are brought in on the holiday. Kids are writing out a Valentine card to each kid in class and sending them to their parents. For my five-year old, it became an exercise in writing out the names of nineteen kids and signing his name that many times (quite a task!). I had purchased Spiderman cards and he was quite happy with my selection. But, buying his eight-year old brother Spiderman cards was a huge mistake. "Mom, Spiderman is so kindergarten. You should've gotten Harry Potter or Yu-Gi-Oh." Will someone remind me what all this has to do with romance or sexy lingerie? Or love?
Valentine's Day isn't the first holiday to be unnecessarily expanded through clever marketing and never-ending attempts to surprise the public -- even with the absurd (potatoes carved in the shape of a heart available online?). No doubt, there will be electronic Valentine's cards and text abbreviations of "bvf" ("best Valentine forever") soaring through the cables on Thursday.
Valentine's Day has become an event filled with pressure to love on demand -- and that's the very antithesis of romance or good sex. More important than cards, candy and flowers will be hearing, "I love you" on February 15th.
Related Topics:
Technorati Tags: Valentines, love, sex, relationships
3 Comments:
This is such a great entry on your blog. VD has just become such a nonissue in my married life because of all this hubbub and stress! I am much more concerned about the every day support and love I get from my mate than the flowers that die the day after Feb. 14. It's pressure on relationships that need not be.
I'd like to point out that the above Anonymous commenter likely meant "Valentines Day" for the abbreviation "VD". :)
Regarding your message about 10 reasons why women do not want sex from 2006, I suggest you write another version of this to draw out some more progressive viewpoints. The 1069 comments were wide-ranging and need to be summarized by you. If you already did this, please re-direct me.
For example, developing sex as a power and control tool initially then caring for maintenance and communication hints reaching beyond boundaries for LTR
Thanks
Nigel@FallSafety.com
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