Why Do Men Like Eliot Spitzer Seek Out Prostitution?
I don't know Eliot Spitzer personally, but I certainly have had men like him as clients in my therapy office. How do they get themselves into such a mess?
There are lots of reasons. Some think that because they are rich and powerful, they are above the law. The law applies to others but not to them. By the tone and content of Spitzer's public admission, I doubt that this reason has much relevance in his case.
Some people, by virtue of their life paths (work, friends, coincidence, etc.) wind up having exposure to slices of life that they ordinarily wouldn't seek out. And, just as people can't take their eyes off of a traffic accident, there's a type of fascination that can spring up when one rubs shoulders with sex workers - even when one is trying to destroy their livelihood and making a living while doing so.
Spitzer wouldn't be the first person to walk near "the gutter" and get muddy while doing so. And, like many other hypocrites who have prosecuted and persecuted sex workers, their zeal for doing so is equally matched by their horrified recognition of the over-powering attraction to this facet of sexuality. Dostoyevsky couldn't have invented more conflicted characters than the prominent list of men we've recently seen whose relationship to sex is out of control.
But, what else? Maybe he's like many accomplished men who seldom do anything special for themselves. These are the same guys who spend small fortunes on a Super Bowl tickets or fancy sports cars. And, while these decisions may be insane, they aren't illegal.
And, speaking of sports cars - for some it's the adrenaline rush. Playing along life's edge can be very compelling for certain men. I recall suggesting to one former client that made decisions similar to Spitzer's (also with a lot to lose) that racing cars or jumping out of airplanes (with a parachute) offered the adrenaline rush but no risk of illegality.
Another prominent client who risks a lot, pursues problematic sex in part because of sexual exploitation he experienced as a child and teen. He got accustomed to sex with the risk of discovery and "naughty" written all over it. He finds it almost unbeatable - and we're still working on that. This is different from the man who is looking for an adrenaline rush and so has risky sex as one way to get that rush. This is about preferring sex that contains risk - it's the type of sex he prefers.
The last group of reasons has to do with the style of sex also. Some men seek out prostitution because they do not wish to end their marriage for all sorts of reasons, but they are still looking to have sex that stimulates them. The sexual style of their wife no longer or never did match their own. Some are avoiding a wife at home who can only have sex while drunk. Some are hoping to get oral sex that feels more than obligatory - or any at all! And, it could be that he simply didn't think he could reveal what he truly wanted sexually at home - or if he did, that he'd get it there. Or if he did, how he'd handle her ridicule, rejection or disgust.
And, last there's the issue of what sex means to such a man.
Having sex with drop dead gorgeous 20-something women can be highly meaningful to a man - particularly when in his late 40s, he is invisible to these same women. Intercourse with such a woman lets a man relive what he may think are his most virile years. And, debates about whether Silda Spitzer is "hot" aside - she's in her forties too and has three daughters (and I'll assume gave birth to them). That's a different body than a 25-year old model which is what you'll see at the website for The Emperor's Club. Men who can't face their own aging and mortality sometimes think that aging can be reversed by osmosis during sex. And maybe that's what this is all about.
It takes courage and tenacity to keep on having sex with the same partner and finding a way to make it fulfilling - but that assumes that it was ever there in the first place. And, like the Clintons, we'll probably never know - nor really need to.
Related Topics: Technorati Tags: Eliot Spitzer, prostitution, sexual health, Sex Matters
There are lots of reasons. Some think that because they are rich and powerful, they are above the law. The law applies to others but not to them. By the tone and content of Spitzer's public admission, I doubt that this reason has much relevance in his case.
Some people, by virtue of their life paths (work, friends, coincidence, etc.) wind up having exposure to slices of life that they ordinarily wouldn't seek out. And, just as people can't take their eyes off of a traffic accident, there's a type of fascination that can spring up when one rubs shoulders with sex workers - even when one is trying to destroy their livelihood and making a living while doing so.
Spitzer wouldn't be the first person to walk near "the gutter" and get muddy while doing so. And, like many other hypocrites who have prosecuted and persecuted sex workers, their zeal for doing so is equally matched by their horrified recognition of the over-powering attraction to this facet of sexuality. Dostoyevsky couldn't have invented more conflicted characters than the prominent list of men we've recently seen whose relationship to sex is out of control.
But, what else? Maybe he's like many accomplished men who seldom do anything special for themselves. These are the same guys who spend small fortunes on a Super Bowl tickets or fancy sports cars. And, while these decisions may be insane, they aren't illegal.
And, speaking of sports cars - for some it's the adrenaline rush. Playing along life's edge can be very compelling for certain men. I recall suggesting to one former client that made decisions similar to Spitzer's (also with a lot to lose) that racing cars or jumping out of airplanes (with a parachute) offered the adrenaline rush but no risk of illegality.
Another prominent client who risks a lot, pursues problematic sex in part because of sexual exploitation he experienced as a child and teen. He got accustomed to sex with the risk of discovery and "naughty" written all over it. He finds it almost unbeatable - and we're still working on that. This is different from the man who is looking for an adrenaline rush and so has risky sex as one way to get that rush. This is about preferring sex that contains risk - it's the type of sex he prefers.
The last group of reasons has to do with the style of sex also. Some men seek out prostitution because they do not wish to end their marriage for all sorts of reasons, but they are still looking to have sex that stimulates them. The sexual style of their wife no longer or never did match their own. Some are avoiding a wife at home who can only have sex while drunk. Some are hoping to get oral sex that feels more than obligatory - or any at all! And, it could be that he simply didn't think he could reveal what he truly wanted sexually at home - or if he did, that he'd get it there. Or if he did, how he'd handle her ridicule, rejection or disgust.
And, last there's the issue of what sex means to such a man.
Having sex with drop dead gorgeous 20-something women can be highly meaningful to a man - particularly when in his late 40s, he is invisible to these same women. Intercourse with such a woman lets a man relive what he may think are his most virile years. And, debates about whether Silda Spitzer is "hot" aside - she's in her forties too and has three daughters (and I'll assume gave birth to them). That's a different body than a 25-year old model which is what you'll see at the website for The Emperor's Club. Men who can't face their own aging and mortality sometimes think that aging can be reversed by osmosis during sex. And maybe that's what this is all about.
It takes courage and tenacity to keep on having sex with the same partner and finding a way to make it fulfilling - but that assumes that it was ever there in the first place. And, like the Clintons, we'll probably never know - nor really need to.
Related Topics: Technorati Tags: Eliot Spitzer, prostitution, sexual health, Sex Matters
5 Comments:
I agree with what Louanne has to say, but there is also another part to the makeup of men. As much as we have a natural urge to breath, men also have the natural urge to have sex, it helps relax a man especially after the stress of the day, whatever that may be. If a wife continually says no, the urge could be strong enough in some men to seek a subsitute sex partner. I'm not condoning the act, just giving reason why some men would do something that they wouldn't normally do, and the strength of the male urge to have sex.
For some reason, I’m kind of disappointed with this post. I didn’t think that WebMD was a place where people touted around the “morality” of sex in some sort of heterosexual, Christian, puritanical place to be. I expect a bit less bias about how “stupid” men are and that patronizing “well, you know boys will be boys” tone, as though men cannot help but be sex-obsessed idiots.
I would like to address two problems that I see. The first is the myth that keeps being perpetuated here over and over and over again that men are somehow stupid and cannot control themselves. This is not true at all. Just as you can restrain yourself from murder, rape, and other destructive activities, so can you control yourself when it comes to sex, etc. Telling someone that you just HAD to have sex with someone else is on par with saying that you HAD to murder someone. Unless you believe that you have no free will, it’s pretty difficult to say that there was no choice involved. People need to learn to admit when they’ve consciously chosen something, and come to terms with that.
Speaking as a woman, myself, I’ve seen all types. There are men who are idiots (and no, you cannot change them, to all those women out there who fantasize that they can turn them into dream men who look like romance novel characters), but the most important thing is that men, just like women, are intelligent. If you’re talking about first world countries like the US, the average man’s intelligence will be at least at the level of a high school graduate, if not someone with community college or a university degree. So men aren’t stupid, and I’m tired of people using the excuse of “well, he just HAD to do it” as a justifiable excuse for cheating or something. And it seems ridiculous to me that people would still think that the idea of “staying together for the kids” is anything but unhealthy.
As far as I am concerned, a man (or woman) who engages in cheating behavior is doing so out of many justifications that they come up with, but those reasons don’t really matter in light of the damage that it can cause. But cheating and engaging in sex with a prostitute are two different things. If you’re suggesting that the reason men (or women) cheat is because their partners don’t give them enough sex, aren’t attractive enough, etc, then you’re not paying attention to the main reason. The main reason that people cheat is because THEY WANT TO. Most prostitutes don’t look as glamorous as you’d think. Many of them are as (or even more-so) fat, unattractive, and/or selfish as the woman that said cheater has waiting at home for them. It’s not the fact that the woman just “couldn’t please him;” (as though women exist to submit and are forced to do whatever a man commands), but that he has a problem, and that problem includes him wanting to have sex and have it be uncomplicated. Just like porn or other “tools” that are used for some quick self-gratification, I don’t think that most men think of sex with a prostitute as cheating as much it is “using a tool for sexual gratification”. I think it’s far less emotional or even personal than most women think it is. It’s not that he’s in love with prostitutes or porn or his blow up doll. It’s the fact that it’s convenient, and it’s something he can use however he wants without having to deal with emotional baggage or ridiculous notions of fairy tale romance crap. It’s very much akin to getting a hamburger or paying someone to wash your car for you. It’s not that you can’t wash your own car or make your own burger. It’s the fact that you want to pay for the service so you don’t have to put out the effort.
The second idea that I’d like to discuss is the perceived immorality that goes along with prostitution. This is what smacks of almost religious “morality” that continually bothers me, as though making something illegal makes it bad or wrong. Well, if Prohibition is any indicator of how well legislating morality works, then consider me pro-legal prostitution. It’s not because I like streetwalkers, or because I think that prostitutes are “cool” or whatnot. It’s because prostitution is like alcohol. Make it illegal to have sex for money and people will find ways around it, and those ways tend to be dangerous. Just like white lightning and bathtub gin,, making prostitution illegal makes it an attractive business for gangs and mobs, as well as a line of work that is not regulated or covered by any of the standards that we set even the most rudimentary job at a fast food restaurant or even protect migrant workers with! It’s like most other things that you make illegal for no other reason besides the fact that some people get their panties in a twist about the idea of prostitution. Don’t want to have sex with a prostitute? THEN DON’T DO IT! Don’t want to drink alcohol? NO ONE IS FORCING THE BOTTLE ONTO YOUR LIPS! If people are concerned about their self-control, that’s an issue that should be addressed separately, not by punishing people for doing something that you are only allowed to do for free. Besides, think about what would happen if we rid the street of pimps, prostitutes were checked regularly for STDs and infections, and the overall health of the average streetwalker improved? Who would lose? The answer is: no one. Prostitutes will be protected from the mob and from abusive pimps and being murdered by clients. Clients would be protected from contracting STD’s and other such diseases. Heck, even the spouses who were cheated on would be at far less risk of having these infections being passed on, (because betrayal hurts, but testing positive for HIV hurts more). Of course, it can never be perfect,, but my question is why we make things “illegal” when they’re likely to be less dangerous if we make them legal and set aside puritanical beliefs about morality? If having sex with a prostitute is “bad” and “wrong” then what separates that from a one-night stand? Not much, except for the exchange of money. So why shouldn’t a person who wants to pay for sex be able to, and why shouldn’t a person who wants to give sex for money be able to? Why shouldn’t we make it safer for all parties involved, and allow for people to simply control themselves? After all, when we go into the supermarket, it’s not the supermarket’s fault if we buy ten gallons of ice cream and then eat it in a day. It’s not the car dealership’s fault if we drive badly and crash our cars. It’s not the fault of your cell phone that you just had to call that ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend. To some extent, I think that people, especially those who are religiously inclined, seem to put too much faith in the law for stopping people from doing things that they don’t like (aka: morality). But “I don’t like that” or “eew it’s gross” could also be applied to things like childbirth or organ transplants, and I don’t see people trying to outlaw those for “moral reasons”. In the end, I find that cheating is cheating, regardless of who you do it with. But I’d rather have someone cheat with someone who won’t give them a disease to pass on to an unsuspecting spouse, than for them to cheat and contract an STD, while the pimp beats up the sex worker, and she goes home after a day of selling herself without any protections or legal rights to have the basic standards that even migrant workers get in our country.
And besides, when it comes down to it, I don’t see people trying to ban most other things that fall under this same vein of “morality”. No one bans heart surgery because “it’s your own darn fault you ate too many Twinkies”. No one is outlawing medical care for car accidents because “It’s your own darn fault that you couldn’t keep your eyes on the road”. An d since people aren’t going to make car accidents or junk food or outsourcing (which arguably hurts far more people than prostitution, any day) illegal,, I don’t think there is really any good reason for why prostitution should not be regulated, just like places that serve alcohol, places that serve junk food, and places that serve tobacco.
There is no good reason that sex should not be a commodity just as every other thing in our lives can be (ie: nannies, interior decorators, carpenters, elderly care facilities, restaurants, mechanics, gardeners, chauffeurs, etc). Yes, you can do it yourself, and you’re free to get sex in other ways than paying for it. But why should I be forced to do the gardening myself when I can get someone else to do it for me? Why should anyone be forced out of sheer “moral” reasons to live up to the codes of other people’s beliefs? You might as well suggest that we ban daycares and force all women to stay at home!
And just a note about all the "women don't want sex" thing, as woman, this constantly frustrates me. I love sex, and I would love to have it multiple times per day. My husband is the one with the lower drive, so I'm in the same boat as many "frustrated" men. I think that a big problem is not the fact that women want sex less, but that many men (and I've had experience with this many times in the past) want sex that's more akin to porn than actual interactive sex. They want you to do X, Y, Z, etc, but all it does it make the woman feel like she's doing all the work and can't enjoy it. It's annoying that I have to wear the sexy clothes, do all the sexy moves, perform at least five different types of acts on him, and then all he has to offer is a few thrusts (which are for him as much as me) before he is satisfied. Of course, my current relationship is not like this, but there have been too many doozies in the past for me to say that my idea of "sex" is really the same thing as many male views of "sex". Besides, what do you consider a bout of "sex"? When the man orgasms? When both people do?
I do cheat cause I can, and don't care, not think about it and can not get IT at home. It is right no but if do you better enjoy, once you can not get ERECTION, then you're done..
I work with elected officials and a large percentage of them think that because they were elected and have a title in front of their names, they don't need to follow the same laws that everyone else does. I see this all the time. I'm sure Spitzer still doesn't think that he did anything wrong. His advisors/staff had to know that this was going on and advised him against it (I hope), but obviously he didn't listen to them.
Any political consultant work their salt will tell you that if you are going to take some kind of hard stance on something (ehtics, crime, drugs, etc.) then you had better make sure your past is completely clean on whatever subject you are taking the stand. If, for example, you are going to take a hard stance on prostitution and then get caught with a prostitute, you will fall and fall hard. You've negated any kind of explanation or excuse you might have by taking such a hard line stance on that particular subject.
One other thing: Anybody who pays 5 grand an hour for sex is just plain stupid anyway.
I find it offensive to say that it is "meaningful" to have sex with a younger woman because even a "hot" 40-something wife who has borne her husband children does not have the same body as does a 20-something year old. I am sure the author did not mean it that way but, as 40 something year old woman who likes to consider herself "hot" and gets reactions from men who affirm that opinion, I would like to think that my husband is not just being "courageous and tenacious" to continue to have sex with me. I understand that, with any partner, you have to work to keep the interest alive after years of sex with the same partner. But I would think that would be the case even if I were twenty-something. I am just so tired of the inherent value that men place upon youth. Because one thing I know for sure is that everyone is young at one time or another, and no one stays that way. So if your value as a woman goes away with age and you are left to appreciate your husband's nobility if he continues to have sex with you after you reach 40, then I have just lost all interest in ever having sex again!
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