The Starfish Position
Yesterday as I sat under a hair dryer waiting for the highlighting bleach to do its magic, I scanned an issue of Glamour magazine since it was within reach once I was under the dryer. I haven't looked at one in more than a decade. I usually bring my own reading material to distract me from the heat, but happened to forget to do so yesterday.
I was really struck by the intensity of the images, different from those in the People magazine that sits in my therapy office waiting room. Sure, there are make up and hair care product ads, but the ones in Glamour just jumped off the page. I sat there thinking about how incredibly difficult it is for teenage and twenty-something females to feel good about their face and body with these amazing images of perfection. Air brushing finished off what actual physical beauty failed to offer in reality.
I was also struck by the sadism of articles on figure flaws and similar topics. If the pictures didn't do the job of planting insecurity, the articles would finish the job. I do understand that magazines are essentially about reader numbers and that playing to people's fears increases readership - yet I found this pretty assaulting.
I know that I'm not writing anything new here - so far.
Later on, I remembered a comment that a client had made that week about some different types of casual sexual encounters. We talked about "Kleenex dates." These were sexual hook ups in which the males essentially saw their female partners as the equivalent of Kleenex - a place to figuratively blow their nose and deposit their semen, nothing more.
Then he brought up another facet of casual sex - a female who is what's called a "starfish." This was a term that was coined to describe that during sex some females merely lay there like a starfish - legs apart and arms outspread with no movement or participation. They provide access to their genitals but there's not much else going on for them nor being done for their partner.
I wondered if there was any connection between the starfish and Glamour magazine. I thought of a few possible connections. Some women think that if they look good, that's all that they need do in order to be a worthy sexual partner. Laying there looking good is the sum total of their participation.
I also thought about how sexualized the Glamour magazine ads are. Obviously, I'm all for sexuality, yet I wondered how many young women find themselves pulled into partnered sex by magazines and other cultural messages before they're really ready, like swimmers in a rip tide. I suspected that some of these women were expert at the starfish position too. For them it isn't so much that they think that it's all they need to do, but instead because they don't have a clue about what they could do.
I'd be interested in hearing from people (probably it would be males predominantly) who have been in sexual situations with women in the starfish position. Was it more about the women thinking, "This is all I need to do" or that they were thinking, "This is all I know how to do?"
Related Topics: Technorati Tags: sex matters, healthy sexuality, starfish, body image, self image
I was really struck by the intensity of the images, different from those in the People magazine that sits in my therapy office waiting room. Sure, there are make up and hair care product ads, but the ones in Glamour just jumped off the page. I sat there thinking about how incredibly difficult it is for teenage and twenty-something females to feel good about their face and body with these amazing images of perfection. Air brushing finished off what actual physical beauty failed to offer in reality.
I was also struck by the sadism of articles on figure flaws and similar topics. If the pictures didn't do the job of planting insecurity, the articles would finish the job. I do understand that magazines are essentially about reader numbers and that playing to people's fears increases readership - yet I found this pretty assaulting.
I know that I'm not writing anything new here - so far.
Later on, I remembered a comment that a client had made that week about some different types of casual sexual encounters. We talked about "Kleenex dates." These were sexual hook ups in which the males essentially saw their female partners as the equivalent of Kleenex - a place to figuratively blow their nose and deposit their semen, nothing more.
Photo Credit: Kyle Flood
I wondered if there was any connection between the starfish and Glamour magazine. I thought of a few possible connections. Some women think that if they look good, that's all that they need do in order to be a worthy sexual partner. Laying there looking good is the sum total of their participation.
I also thought about how sexualized the Glamour magazine ads are. Obviously, I'm all for sexuality, yet I wondered how many young women find themselves pulled into partnered sex by magazines and other cultural messages before they're really ready, like swimmers in a rip tide. I suspected that some of these women were expert at the starfish position too. For them it isn't so much that they think that it's all they need to do, but instead because they don't have a clue about what they could do.
I'd be interested in hearing from people (probably it would be males predominantly) who have been in sexual situations with women in the starfish position. Was it more about the women thinking, "This is all I need to do" or that they were thinking, "This is all I know how to do?"
Related Topics: Technorati Tags: sex matters, healthy sexuality, starfish, body image, self image
13 Comments:
I was sexually abused as a child and so I was helpless and learned to dissociate, so in teen and adult years the behavior continued. I didn't enjoy the sex, but I had not learned to say no. If a woman is just laying there, maybe a man should take the time to ask why or care whether she enjoys sex.
I have been in an exclusive relationship for 17 years and left the "teen and twenty something" scene behind many years ago. But I have the opportunity to work with many of those young men and women, and it seems to me that their sexual training is limited by the world they live in. When I was a teen the first round of birth control pills was just hitting the market and the sixties was just beginning. I was allowed, even encouraged, to explore and expand my sexuality, and the women of my generation were claiming their sexual rights as well, learning to explore themselves and becoming familiar with their own bodies. In my twenties I expected that my partners were going to share the sexual experience fully with me and that we would discover each others needs and desires together.
Of course the psychology of advertising was in it's infancy in those days; at least relative to the current state of it's near total media domination. So young people today have their lives highly, or even totally in many cases, scripted by the amount to which they buy into the advertising with which they are bombarded. Unless there is an offset from a strong family; where sexuality has some status as an important part of spirituality, independence and creativity; then those teens and twenties are left with an empty sense of what they are supposed to be doing with their sexuality.
I could go on and on about how the politics of the past sixteen years or so has contributed to the plight of young people, but I would encourage people to look at that for themselves. The resurgence of guilt and shame as a tool for the manipulation of political goals is rampant, and I, personally, beseech my higher power on a daily basis to intervene in this runaway repression of the human spirit. I think we should all hold our political leaders accountable for developing an awareness of the effect of state sponsored sexual manipulation on young people in particular, and everyone should have a rudimentary understanding of the goals and effects of advertising in general. We human beings are, after all, much more than consumers. I hope people will think about that during this election season and ask the candidates to address the issue of sexual freedom of expression.
i was molested as a child and i feel that it has left its mark on me as a adult. my first sexual accounter in my mid twenties was very overwhelming and i did not connect with my partner. but it was also that my partner was more interested in getting what he wanted and not so much in how i was feeling or thinking. and when i did share with him what i was feeling i did not get the support i deserved. he told me that i should be out there and get over it, pretty much.it took me many years before i felt comfortable again, one in my body, and two, with sex. my last boyfriend was the type of person who got to know me as who i was, faults and all, which i believe allowed me to fully be present both in and out of the bedroom.
My personal experience with young males when I was a teenager was that most of them have learn pretty much “taught” about sexuality through porn, where women are pretty much there to get a man off, with the exception of a few sloppy five-second oral on her scenes.
I remember that one of my ex boyfriends (who I was with from later high school to early college years) had the “porn picture of the day” where he would show me stuff that he wanted me to do to him. His interest was primarily in doing things to me that didn’t result in me getting much if any pleasure. Of course, I thought that he would eventually show an interest in my body, considering that he thought I was attractive, but all he ever seemed to want was digital manipulation, breast manipulation, or oral manipulation on him.
And since I had no access to porn or anything like that, plus my family was pretty hush-hush about sex (my mom wouldn’t even let me try birth control pills to help lessen the horrible pain I got from period cramps because she was convinced that I just wanted to be a slut and sleep around), I was pretty clueless about what I wanted. I knew how to masturbate, but I was clueless about interpersonal sexual relations with another person.
Then I met the man who is now my husband. He didn’t just want to use me for various sexual things that he wanted (which, after being “trained” for a few years by the other boyfriend, I was pretty sure that women should not expect much from their partners unless they got vaginal sex and then, that pleasure was pretty much their own business to get themselves as an after effect of the thrusting penis in her). He focused on sensual touching and enjoying my body, and he was actually super into trying oral sex on me (even though it doesn’t do much for me for some reason). I found that I was completely unprepared and somewhat afraid of being treated like a sexual PERSON as opposed to a sexual OBJECT. After all, it was easy to just let someone pour semen on my face or between my breasts or on my hand than it was to actually be looked at like a person flaws and all and loved and attractive. It was overwhelming. I guess I had been taught that my sexual power lay not in being pleasured myself but in being “good enough” to create pleasure in my partners.
Needless to say, it took me over a year of loving sexual support with my (now) husband before I had an orgasm through interpersonal sexual activity.
Of course, the good news is that once I finally got to orgasm that one time, it’s been fairly regular for me to orgasm through intercourse ever since.
But I kind of understand the whole “starfish’ phenomenon. I think that many women are told that they are receptacles of male lust and that they should just lie there and think of England or something. Additionally, most women are expected to have sex when they don’t necessarily want it or are too tired. So most women are used like a masturbation device so that their horny boyfriend/husband/etc can get off. You ‘d probably be pretty hard pressed to find a woman who would be able to pressure much less force her male partner to do the same when he is similarly disinterested.
I think that this has much less to do with simply saying “It’s the media’s fault” and more with the expectations that women have of themselves and men teach them that they’re only good for being sexual objects. Once a woman has to be seen as more than a sexual object, that’s when her feelings and her vulnerability comes in. And I think that so many women are putting up with bad sex lives and sexual relationships that give them no real satisfaction for the main reason that most men are to some extent like that ex boyfriend I had all those years ago. They’re self centered and expect women to be the same amount of self-centered and self-serving, and then wonder why women resent them.
Personally, I think that until men stop thinking of women largely as “cum dumps” and other such offensive ways that not much is going to change in the personal relationships between men and women. Because the way that a woman’s body is shaped allows for men to do things to her for their own pleasure while she gets nothing in return.
And until we can do anything to meaningfully change that fact, the “starfish” will probably be very common among women for centuries to come.
I was sexually abused as a child, too, and learned how to be a starfish. It was never a problem for me to enjoy sex since molestation pretty much puts your mind there. It has taken a long time, however, for me to allow myself to feel good about my body or to believe that my husband finds me attractive. My husband and I have been married for 17 years, and he is very attentive, gentle and loving. At times, I don't mind allowing him to have relations with me for his own needs, if I'm tired or whatever, simply because he IS so loving and gentle and I know that whatever I want, he will give me. As far as advertising and our government, I have a few thoughts:
1) Yes young women look at those magazines and get sucked into the Sex and the City lifestyle, and yes that is a very bad thing, not only for their minds and bodies, and their self images but also for their souls.
2) As far as guilt being a manipulative factor.....I think this generation needs a little guilt. Guilt causes people to have a conscience.
We have gone WAY too far as a society, with the "anything goes" or "do whatever you want as long as you don't hurt anybody" factor. The last statement is actually a key belief in the satanic bible and a lot of people don't realize that, and just go around spouting it off, like as long as nobody gets hurt, that we should all just do whatever we want.
3) Sexual freedom of expression? Why does anybody need to go around expressing sexuality? It was created by God for the bedroom of a married couple, and when it remains there, it's a wonderful, wonderful thing. Believe me - I used to be a promiscuous starfish and it was miserable and depressed, and now I know how wonderful it can be when I keep my expressions to myself and my husband.
4) As far as how our bodies are made, that's not going to change any time soon. I really hope nobody gets the dumb idea of altering women's genitals like they do in Africa. God made us this way for a reason - so that our loving husbands can make the extra effort to us as a sign of affection. Mine does, and if yours doesn't then I am very sorry. My husband and I happen to live according to the Bible, which actually has several passages that tell men that they need to respect, love, honor and cherish their wives, and that (you're all going to be shocked by this) her body is made for his pleasure AND VICE VERSA! Men using a woman like a Kleenex is NOT loving, honorable or cherishing her. Men are also told in Ephesians to love their wives as Christ loves the church - and Christ does not use the church and then throw it away. So - if these men would repent and get married and treat their wives with honor and dignity, then perhaps we could save the starfish for Spongebob episodes, or walks on the beach!
And ladies - if you're looking for a role model......read Proverbs 31.
Talk about a feminist. :-)
I no longer have intimate feelings for my husband for various reasons, including disinterest, disdain, and dislike. I am also experiencing some major female health issues which he chooses to ignore some times to get what he wants. So, I, too, am considered a starfish and just lie there and find myself waiting for the two minutes to be over. I am so disconnected that it doesn't really seem to bother him. Maybe my suspicions are right- maybe he is cheating on me but just wanting to have sex with me so that I won't think that he is. Instead, since I am disinterested in him, he thinks that I am cheating on him, even though I am working two full jobs, the second being an overnight job, to his one. ANNONYMOUS
It seems to be a recurring theme about being sexually molested as a child in the previous posts. I myself was molested as a child and I identify with and sympathize with all of you. It definately caused problems in my life and developing sexuality. Unfortunaely, my Mother perpetuated the stigma that 'good girls' don't do that and the only reason a boy can be interested in you is for 'one thing only'. I still suffer from some of the mixed messages I and my sister received growing up. It effects every walk of your life, not just the sexual side. And I'm personally ashamed to say that an past President of our Great Nation had the lack of judgement to publically admit that he did not have sex, he just had a blow job. Having teenagers and being around quite a few ever since then, the vast majority have bought into his mentality. That it is cool to be 'friends with benefits'. Children in grade school have heard this and are already experimenting. When questioned, they will admit to the President's saying that it was not sex. What are we to do? A lot of parenting and prayer are needed nation wide!
I'm not a starfish and never have been. But I will say...it may have been a close call!
A particular piece of graffiti in 10th grade tipped me off to the starfish phenomenon(before I was sexually active) . And I knew then and there it was something to be avoided.
The most beautiful girl in our class was someone we'll call Claire Danskin (nowhere near her real name). She had her pick of boyfriends and was actually quite a nice person, as opposed to some of the other girls she hung out with. In 10th grade I was in the library and saw carved into the wooden study carrel: "Clare Danksin just LIES THERE!" I was chilled to the bone, and showed my best friend. We felt bad for Claire, tho she was not actually a friend, but we learned a lesson that day: men do not like starfish girls.
If I hadn't seen that, I don't know whether or when i would have figured it out. I do recall girls who were sleeping with guys at that time would also be made fun of if they were too "into" it, and goes would tell stories of girls who "really like sex." But anyway, 25 years later my best friend and I still remember that.
It's not that I learned not to be a starfish for the guy's sake. But it was the first indication that you were "allowed" to be active! :-)
Two other quick things on the topic. I went to college in Switzerland at 20. My Swiss boyfriend initially complained because I was a "spider," meaning, he said, "your arms and legs are everywhere!" like I moved around too much. By that time I frankly didn't care, and if he *wanted* a starfish I wasn't the one. Another guy at age 21 asked worriedly after I had an orgasm whether I was ok---he'd never seen one before! so I guess he was another starfish-loving guy.
And finally, one guy told me in my 20s that beautiful women who define themselves primarily by their looks tend to be starfish-ish more than women who have developed themselves in other ways throughout their lives. The starfish women, he thought, were accustomed to passively having their beauty consumed by others, which extended to their role or non-role in sex.
That's all I have to say on the topic.
I was sexually abused when I was a child and it tore my life apart even through part of my married years. I can say my husband came to me and said baby something has to give on this you have to be there during sex with me. I realized that he wasn't criticising me but merely loved me enough to help me. I started into counseling with him by my side and not only were we able to get through this together I have come along way. I actually enjoy expermenting, exploring and enjoy sex with my husband of 19 years. I love every aspect of sex and most of all I love that I don't have to feel dirty, disgusted or angry about what happened to me as a child and that sex is okay to enjoy and have fun with. Had I not married the man I married I mat have never learned the things I did and most of all I may not have had the years of wonderful sexual experiences we have had together.
Why do I squirt durning sex ? I have done this all my life and a man told me it was not right that it was urine. is that true and what can I do to stop it?
you are not urinatating. you are having an orgasm
I don't consider myself a "starfish", as someone else mentionned, I learned pretty early in hushed talks and giggles that guys did not like it. Although it took a few years for me to get old enough to know what was meant by starfish.
I've never hidden the fact that I strongly believe and healthy relationship has an healthy sex part to it. However, as much as I believe in it and as I like intercourse, I have come to not want it because I do not know what to do to please my boyfriend and it feels selfish to be only on the receiving end of the intercourse. I mean, I feel there is so much that stimulates me, but apart from stroking his genitals, I don't have a clue what to do.
So, sometimes it happens, we do intercourse and he pressures me to be more imaginative and to follow my "inspiration". I told him, but he doesn't understand, I have no clue what to do and it makes me feel ankward. So everytime we have intercourse, instead of making the sex better it makes it worst because I get anxious and finally end up doing the "starfish" and counting the time left until he finishes.
I think it's sad that some women seem to post that they became non-starfish because they figured out it's not what *guys* like. What about what you like??? I think that by and large, most women don't like the starfish position much because it doesn't do anything for them, so change it because *you* want sex to be enjoyable for *you* not because you think the guy doesn't want you to just lay there. It's the same result but the basis of the change is different. And I would argue that the basis matters.
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