Figuring Out If a Women Really Wants It
Lately I've been thinking about the, sometimes thorny issue of consenting to a sexual act. Recently, the topic kept presenting itself to me from different angles.
About a week ago, I was listening to a radio interview of two college-aged women who were present at a party celebrating a win for a college athletic team in the Silicon Valley area of CA. The party was in the small home of one of the players off campus.
These women described what they witnessed and what they did when an 18-year-old inebriated and passed out woman was sexually assaulted in a bedroom by approximately a half-dozen males at the party. On the radio, they were describing how the case played out in court recently to their chagrin, particularly because they were witnesses and yet, had never been called to testify. They went through the gory and frustrating details and it appears that further action may take place in court. Clearly, this passed out woman could not have consented by any definition of law though, unfortunately, this is not as uncommon as we would like to hope.
Then, I was reading an article about a new book, Studies in Applied Interpersonal Communication, by Michael Motley, a University of California at Davis professor. He did an interesting study on how males and females interpret what females say when in the very early stages of sexual kissing.
When a female says, "It's getting late," she means that she wants to stop what they're doing and go their separate ways. If she finished her sentence, it would go, "I should already be home in bed - alone." Most males in this study, however, interpreted this to mean that she wants to skip the preliminaries and go forward a bit more quickly.
Or, if a woman says, "I'm seeing someone else," (meaning that she wants to stop because her affections are really with another man), males tend to think this means, "Keep going, but let's be discreet," or "Keep going, but I want you to know that I'm not making a commitment."
Motley concludes that in their efforts to not offend or upset their male partners with direct and forceful words, women are merely confusing them. He found out that men would prefer to hear it loud and clear, even if it smarts a little bit, rather than trying to read the woman's mind and risk offending her and/or losing the sexual opportunity.
Then, last night I watched the fourth and final episode on VH1 about the sexual revolution covering the 1950s up to the late 1980s. It was a well done piece and, from my view point, accurate. I'd lived through many of the hallmark events they highlighted during my 22 years in San Francisco. Colleagues, friends, and professors told the stories on screen that I had personally watched unfold.
One woman, at Plato's Retreat in New York City, was trying to set a Guinness Record for having intercourse with men in a particular amount of time. She was aiming somewhere in the 80s. When she was interviewed midway through, she commented that she didn't feel sexually fulfilled yet. Then, after her record-breaking marathon was over, she still commented that she could have enjoyed even more. Though she seemed euphoric, she did not seem "chemically altered,"; this was just who she was.
Then I thought about these three scenarios together. I realized that there was a connection between the illegal acts of the multiple rapes at the party, the misunderstanding of female communications during the early stages of sexual contact, and the quite amazing state of sexual desire the Plato's Retreat woman demonstrated. Some young men (and some old) hope that women are insatiable, want it any time and any where, and that somehow having sex with them will contribute to the woman's life, even if she's unconscious.
In each of these scenarios the woman's interest in sex is different. In one case, we don't know what she wanted. And, while it's possible that her idea of a good time is having intercourse with a roomful of young males while she's unconscious, that's not a bet I'd be very willing to take. In the next scenario, we're not talking about rape - it's merely miscommunication and misunderstanding. She might be interested in sex with the male in question, but just not right then. In the last case, she is very eager to go through as many men as possible and it's clear that she does want this experience.
When I consider all these stories, I am struck by how accurate Alfred Kinsey was in the 1950s when he observed that women have a much wider range of variation than men in how they approach sex, what they do, and how they feel about it. So, what's the "take home message" here? Crystal clear communication about sexual activity between people is a must.
Related Topics: Technorati Tags: sex, communication
About a week ago, I was listening to a radio interview of two college-aged women who were present at a party celebrating a win for a college athletic team in the Silicon Valley area of CA. The party was in the small home of one of the players off campus.
These women described what they witnessed and what they did when an 18-year-old inebriated and passed out woman was sexually assaulted in a bedroom by approximately a half-dozen males at the party. On the radio, they were describing how the case played out in court recently to their chagrin, particularly because they were witnesses and yet, had never been called to testify. They went through the gory and frustrating details and it appears that further action may take place in court. Clearly, this passed out woman could not have consented by any definition of law though, unfortunately, this is not as uncommon as we would like to hope.
Then, I was reading an article about a new book, Studies in Applied Interpersonal Communication, by Michael Motley, a University of California at Davis professor. He did an interesting study on how males and females interpret what females say when in the very early stages of sexual kissing.
When a female says, "It's getting late," she means that she wants to stop what they're doing and go their separate ways. If she finished her sentence, it would go, "I should already be home in bed - alone." Most males in this study, however, interpreted this to mean that she wants to skip the preliminaries and go forward a bit more quickly.
Or, if a woman says, "I'm seeing someone else," (meaning that she wants to stop because her affections are really with another man), males tend to think this means, "Keep going, but let's be discreet," or "Keep going, but I want you to know that I'm not making a commitment."
Motley concludes that in their efforts to not offend or upset their male partners with direct and forceful words, women are merely confusing them. He found out that men would prefer to hear it loud and clear, even if it smarts a little bit, rather than trying to read the woman's mind and risk offending her and/or losing the sexual opportunity.
Then, last night I watched the fourth and final episode on VH1 about the sexual revolution covering the 1950s up to the late 1980s. It was a well done piece and, from my view point, accurate. I'd lived through many of the hallmark events they highlighted during my 22 years in San Francisco. Colleagues, friends, and professors told the stories on screen that I had personally watched unfold.
One woman, at Plato's Retreat in New York City, was trying to set a Guinness Record for having intercourse with men in a particular amount of time. She was aiming somewhere in the 80s. When she was interviewed midway through, she commented that she didn't feel sexually fulfilled yet. Then, after her record-breaking marathon was over, she still commented that she could have enjoyed even more. Though she seemed euphoric, she did not seem "chemically altered,"; this was just who she was.
Then I thought about these three scenarios together. I realized that there was a connection between the illegal acts of the multiple rapes at the party, the misunderstanding of female communications during the early stages of sexual contact, and the quite amazing state of sexual desire the Plato's Retreat woman demonstrated. Some young men (and some old) hope that women are insatiable, want it any time and any where, and that somehow having sex with them will contribute to the woman's life, even if she's unconscious.
In each of these scenarios the woman's interest in sex is different. In one case, we don't know what she wanted. And, while it's possible that her idea of a good time is having intercourse with a roomful of young males while she's unconscious, that's not a bet I'd be very willing to take. In the next scenario, we're not talking about rape - it's merely miscommunication and misunderstanding. She might be interested in sex with the male in question, but just not right then. In the last case, she is very eager to go through as many men as possible and it's clear that she does want this experience.
When I consider all these stories, I am struck by how accurate Alfred Kinsey was in the 1950s when he observed that women have a much wider range of variation than men in how they approach sex, what they do, and how they feel about it. So, what's the "take home message" here? Crystal clear communication about sexual activity between people is a must.
Related Topics: Technorati Tags: sex, communication
2 Comments:
Dear Dr. Weston,
When my wife and I married in 1968, we both were virgins. We have been completely, faithfully monogamous over those years, and we intend to live the balance of our life together maintaining that status.
Everything we know about sexual activities we learned together, and although we experimented with oral sex, my wife was not comfortable with either act, and though I enjoyed my performance, I often felt a deep sense of guilt after the fact. Had we not sought Jack Daniels as to depress inhibitions, I doubt that such exotics ever would have taken place. We're pretty much committed, long-term missionaries, and the trio with Mr. Daniels dissolved years ago.
No kidding, sex is better at sixty-one than ever it was at twenty-one with the following exception: during the first twenty, we regularly engaged in mutual, manual foreplay. Foreplay has been unidirectional for the last twenty. My wife refuses to allow me to touch her. She won't explain why. She does all the touching with the consequence that, while I have no dysfunction, it often takes 20-30 minutes for me to obtain and maintain the optimum degree of arousal.My telling her that my state of arousal would be much quicker and much more complete if she would acquiesce,that I really miss performing digital sex, but the only concession if get is if she places a sheet between my hand and its object. She closes her eyes so tightly that she may as well have been hitting me in the face with a glass of ice water.
I know she likes sex. I know I am her best friend. But with the few years we expect to live in good health, I want that back. She, on the other hand, reacts to my advances as if she were a sixteen-year-old virgin consumed with fear that she is doing something very wrong and someone is going to catch us and punish her.
Suggestions?
i
Marrying young we delve into our sex lives together. After 45 years we have tried it all, the best sex is using a 69. After that much experience we are completely satisfied and have sex in 15 minutes, now thats good sex, which I might add deserves a wow! We are old and satisfied with no inabitions about any of it, We are in love with each other and never let anyone know anything about our sex lives together, until now. When a woman can enjoy a convulsing 20 pulse orgasm things are great, in return when her mate yells out loud upon orgasm, wy we might need to write a book.
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