Sex After Arguing
I've often been asked about why and how people have "make up sex" - sex after arguing. While reading Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity, I found one of the better explanations I've heard.
She was discussing a couple she had been seeing in her therapy office. James was a man who was overly accommodating to Stella. While James' mother had led him to feel burdened with responsibility and guilt, in contrast, Stella was a graceful, vibrant and independent woman.
Summarizing here with a very large stroke of the brush, Stella had become the keeper of their sex life. She wanted it. James didn't. She wanted to talk about it. He didn't. Stella had reached the point of hating being the one who made it happen, but she did not dare stop doing so for fear that he would do nothing to keep their sexual relationship alive.
As it turned out, James' only experiences anxiety-free sex was when he masturbated where he attended to himself without what he perceived as the pressure of another's demands. His fantasy women were not vulnerable and they could not be hurt by his sexual selfishness. When he had sex with Stella, he couldn't allow this side of himself out because deep down he feared that he would hurt her emotionally. During sex, he reenacted (without needing to) a nonsexual aspect of his relationship with his mother: choosing between attending to himself and having closeness.
This couple was stumped. They had written off their relationship as "bad chemistry." But Perel worked on James' issue of overly attending to Stella - in particular, straightening out the difference between healthy separateness and indifference. If you want all the details of this part, get the book.
This couple did get their sex life jump-started. As it turned out, each time they had sex, it was after they argued. James reported that he was bothered by this.
Here's what Perel said:
I have seen caricatured portrayals of "make up sex" in TV and movie dramas. And I do think that most people imagine such a scenario where hateful expression transforms into impassioned loving expression.
But a more sophisticated look at this is warranted. I do think that the physiologic similarities are relevant. When arguments occur, there is a deeply felt self-centered set of emotions experienced by both. Contrast that type of focus and energy with a somewhat tentative sexual style that some couples fall into. For these couples, their best sex may be "make up sex" because during an argument they've just been engaged in the type of self-centered jockeying that can make for sexual thrills. The arguments become a solution to a problem of tepid sex. For some couples, they never progress past this dynamic. But, others begin to understand that their sexual style needs an injection of energy and that it need not be from an argument.
Related Topics:
She was discussing a couple she had been seeing in her therapy office. James was a man who was overly accommodating to Stella. While James' mother had led him to feel burdened with responsibility and guilt, in contrast, Stella was a graceful, vibrant and independent woman.
Summarizing here with a very large stroke of the brush, Stella had become the keeper of their sex life. She wanted it. James didn't. She wanted to talk about it. He didn't. Stella had reached the point of hating being the one who made it happen, but she did not dare stop doing so for fear that he would do nothing to keep their sexual relationship alive.
As it turned out, James' only experiences anxiety-free sex was when he masturbated where he attended to himself without what he perceived as the pressure of another's demands. His fantasy women were not vulnerable and they could not be hurt by his sexual selfishness. When he had sex with Stella, he couldn't allow this side of himself out because deep down he feared that he would hurt her emotionally. During sex, he reenacted (without needing to) a nonsexual aspect of his relationship with his mother: choosing between attending to himself and having closeness.
This couple was stumped. They had written off their relationship as "bad chemistry." But Perel worked on James' issue of overly attending to Stella - in particular, straightening out the difference between healthy separateness and indifference. If you want all the details of this part, get the book.
This couple did get their sex life jump-started. As it turned out, each time they had sex, it was after they argued. James reported that he was bothered by this.
Here's what Perel said:
"Anger and excitement have a complicated relationship. Physiologically, anger and arousal have a lot in common. Psychologically, too. In your case, I thinkI have seen a similar pattern among some clients in my therapy practice: internal conflict related to caring for self over others, a preference for masturbation over partnered sex, unexpressed (or seldom expressed) frustration and anger, and a sexual connection that comes to life after the "negative" emotions are expressed - right after they are expressed, say during an argument.
the anger emboldens you. It relieves you of compliance, and leaves you feeling
more entitled. Anger highlights separateness and is a counterpoint to
dependence; this is why it can so powerfully stoke desire. It gives you the
distance you need. As a habit it can be problematic, but there's no denying that
it's a powerful stimulant."
I have seen caricatured portrayals of "make up sex" in TV and movie dramas. And I do think that most people imagine such a scenario where hateful expression transforms into impassioned loving expression.
But a more sophisticated look at this is warranted. I do think that the physiologic similarities are relevant. When arguments occur, there is a deeply felt self-centered set of emotions experienced by both. Contrast that type of focus and energy with a somewhat tentative sexual style that some couples fall into. For these couples, their best sex may be "make up sex" because during an argument they've just been engaged in the type of self-centered jockeying that can make for sexual thrills. The arguments become a solution to a problem of tepid sex. For some couples, they never progress past this dynamic. But, others begin to understand that their sexual style needs an injection of energy and that it need not be from an argument.
Related Topics:
- WebMD Video: How Gender Differences Affect Relationships
- Make Over Your Sex Life!
- 31 Ways to Say "Yes" to Sex
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