Email a Friend
Print Article
A Compassionate Husband and His High Maintenance Wife
I was working with a client this week who had come to the realization that he probably needed to end his marriage. Fortunately, there are no children involved.
A while back I had suggested that he read a book called Stop Walking on Eggshells. He did so and then returned to meet with me. I often recommend this book when I suspect that a client of mine has a loved one who has the mental condition called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). In his case, I had met his wife and I was rather sure that this diagnosis was accurate, but rather than apply a label to her, I thought that it would be beneficial for him to come to his own conclusion.
He did. And, he was quite grateful for the reading suggestion because it had clarified so many things for him.
Once he finished the book, he dove into its recommended resources list and picked up The ABC's of BPD, Love and Loathing, and Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist. He expressed such great relief about finally getting to a place of understanding his feelings while living with a wife with BPD.
And, interestingly enough, he was now trying to locate an attorney who understood the mental condition of BPD. Why? Because he still loved her and didn't want to abuse or punish her in the way that some divorces can. He wanted his attorney to know what to expect and not select strategies that would likely worsen the process for him and for his wife. He wanted compassion in his divorce.
This man sat in my office like many other men I have met over the years who were coping with a similar predicament. I was struck by his big-heartedness. He, like the others, was kind, patient, understanding and, amazingly, not angry with his wife. These salt-of-the-earth men are filled with compassion that exceeds that of most others. I have often thought that they are among the few who can, for a while (sometimes a long while) make it work with a BPD mate. I felt my eyes water up a bit and saw that his did too.
Partners of BPD individuals cope with the no-win situations that their "high maintenance" loved ones repeatedly manufacture. If there is nothing wrong, they can find something. If everyone's happy, they can find a reason not to be. If it's been a pretty good day, they know how to bring everyone down. They can turn any compliment into an insult. Why do they do this?
The way that experts in this particular field describe it is this: BPD folks have a "hole in their soul." There's an emptiness inside that is almost intolerable. Rather than feel this aching void, they stir up the emotions of those around them with their actions. For a time, the distraction this causes solves their problem. They don't have to feel the "hole." But it only works...for a while.
As we were talking, my client pointed out a section in Splitting for attorneys. I listened and thought that divorce attorneys probably came into contact with an exceptionally high number of BPD clients (or opposing clients). I found myself wishing that all divorce attorneys would read the book with the hoped for result of much less pain for everyone involved. I've heard many stories about "impossible clients" and "drama queens" (and occasionally "kings") from my colleagues who work in the world of divorce law. Here is some material that could really be of help if they would take the time.
All of these resources, plus various forms of support for people with BPD and their loved ones (including parents), can be found at BPD Central. If you are in a relationship with a "high maintenance" person, I think you might find some relief at this site.
Related Topics: Technorati Tags: Sex Matters, borderline personality disorder, BPD, divorce
A while back I had suggested that he read a book called Stop Walking on Eggshells. He did so and then returned to meet with me. I often recommend this book when I suspect that a client of mine has a loved one who has the mental condition called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). In his case, I had met his wife and I was rather sure that this diagnosis was accurate, but rather than apply a label to her, I thought that it would be beneficial for him to come to his own conclusion.
He did. And, he was quite grateful for the reading suggestion because it had clarified so many things for him.
Once he finished the book, he dove into its recommended resources list and picked up The ABC's of BPD, Love and Loathing, and Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist. He expressed such great relief about finally getting to a place of understanding his feelings while living with a wife with BPD.
And, interestingly enough, he was now trying to locate an attorney who understood the mental condition of BPD. Why? Because he still loved her and didn't want to abuse or punish her in the way that some divorces can. He wanted his attorney to know what to expect and not select strategies that would likely worsen the process for him and for his wife. He wanted compassion in his divorce.
This man sat in my office like many other men I have met over the years who were coping with a similar predicament. I was struck by his big-heartedness. He, like the others, was kind, patient, understanding and, amazingly, not angry with his wife. These salt-of-the-earth men are filled with compassion that exceeds that of most others. I have often thought that they are among the few who can, for a while (sometimes a long while) make it work with a BPD mate. I felt my eyes water up a bit and saw that his did too.
Partners of BPD individuals cope with the no-win situations that their "high maintenance" loved ones repeatedly manufacture. If there is nothing wrong, they can find something. If everyone's happy, they can find a reason not to be. If it's been a pretty good day, they know how to bring everyone down. They can turn any compliment into an insult. Why do they do this?
The way that experts in this particular field describe it is this: BPD folks have a "hole in their soul." There's an emptiness inside that is almost intolerable. Rather than feel this aching void, they stir up the emotions of those around them with their actions. For a time, the distraction this causes solves their problem. They don't have to feel the "hole." But it only works...for a while.
As we were talking, my client pointed out a section in Splitting for attorneys. I listened and thought that divorce attorneys probably came into contact with an exceptionally high number of BPD clients (or opposing clients). I found myself wishing that all divorce attorneys would read the book with the hoped for result of much less pain for everyone involved. I've heard many stories about "impossible clients" and "drama queens" (and occasionally "kings") from my colleagues who work in the world of divorce law. Here is some material that could really be of help if they would take the time.
All of these resources, plus various forms of support for people with BPD and their loved ones (including parents), can be found at BPD Central. If you are in a relationship with a "high maintenance" person, I think you might find some relief at this site.
Related Topics: Technorati Tags: Sex Matters, borderline personality disorder, BPD, divorce
19 Comments:
I found this to be a very interesting article and it does put into prescriptive some people I have met.
I do wonder though where do you find information on woman who screw around with no thought of the damage they are inflicting on their loved ones. I mean if they want to do that how come they always make up ways to keep in a relation and then still hurt a person for no reason or until they can't take it anymore.
If you know send me a message at concert19766@yahoo.com I would love to have an answer.
i ran accross this article and i believe it is describing my husband, perfectly. so much so that i have started researching it further. Been married 15 years and has been emotional roller coaster. is this a real medical problem?
Hi! I am one of those high maintenance women, though it got a lot better over the years with various diagnosis.
My husband and I were in a relationship for two years, when I was diagnosed with ADD (couch potato type). WOW, the knowledge we gained through books and meds helped us tremendously. Later I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder. Now that is medicated quiet well and I am very stable.
Before you get a divorce, have some information, and maybe there is a medical reason behind certain behaviours.
For Better or Worse! If she had cancer would you leave her? Have you tried to get support?for yourself? has she been for HELP??
In your heart if you know you have tried your best and still can't live with it-then Let Go as humane as possible. Best of Luck.
What do you do when your wife tells you that she all of a sudden HAS NO sexual desire and does not have the URGES or passion that I (husband) have for the love making??? How can I get help for my wife when she doesn't want any? What about my marriage??? What causes them to just STOP at a sudden???
This is a very touchy subject for me because when a MALE doctor told me that I should have a hysterectomy at the age of 43, after having a very long fulfiling love life, it was like my life was ending. I had the hysterectomy, then never could get the hormones straightened out, had sex but never had any satisfaction (no orgasms), did not want sex anymore because it always hurt, and yet did not want to hurt my husband's feelings. The doctor called the surgery a "hubby pleaser". I called it the "wife torturer". There are so many reasons why sex "all of a sudden" is not desirable. They are doing studies here where I live with hormone therapy to increase the sex drive in women who no longer have any sex drive. I am going to see if I qualify. Don't get upset with her, she is struggling to know how to please you and not being able to please herself anymore. How would you feel if you 1) could not get an erection 2) could not get aroused 3) not have an orgasm anymore 4) it hurt every time you tried to have sex? These are some of the things she MAY be experiencing in the female world. Keep trying maybe they will come up with another type of hormone that will help her. Keep asking your doctor, go to a "sex therapist", and above all don't stop loving your wife, because a lot of what is going on with her is very common with women, just not heard about "on the 6 oclock news".
This is the first post by Ms. Cole Weston I've read, and I don't know if I'll be reading any more. I have to wonder if she's familiar with the words "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH, in joy and in sorrow, 'til death do us part..." Marriage certainly isn't easy, but it's awfully convenient to find a diagnosis to slap on your spouse and use it as an excuse to void marriage vows. Maybe some people marry in haste or marry the wrong person, but married is married. There must have been reasons and good qualities that brought them into the marriage in the first place, and I suggest they focus on those instead of looking for an excuse to opt out. How very sad!
This author has a big problem, and that is helping people fins a "medical reason" to leave their spouse. This author is sick. If I really thought my spouse had this disorder I would get to therapy (and church) immediately with them. I wouldn't dump them out on the street because it made my life challanging. This "disorder" is not more than an excuse for divorce. A lot of the things these books descibe I can see in many people from co workers to family. They are NORMAL! Shame on this author! Shame shame shame on you!
I was married to a beautiful, passionate, controlling woman for over 30 years. She filed for divorce about two years ago and it was final 1 year ago.
I came upon this article while searching for some answers to some physical symptoms I have been having and wish I had seen it about 10 years ago. The first twenty years had the typical ups and downs but we still loved each other very much.
The next 5 years began to deteriorate and I began grasping at straws trying to please her.
The final 5 years were hell for both of us. On and off counseling early in our marriage helped, but the last 5 years it seemed both of us gave up.
I had no idea there was such a disorder. Had I know, perhaps we would have made it.
Thanks for the insight. At least I know it wasn't ALL my fault.
I wondered if it has occurred to this author that people (often women) diagnosed with BPD are often sex abuse victims who are misdiagnosed. The real problem is post-traumatic stress disorder which carries many overlapping symptoms of BPD. I agree with the writer "in sickness and in health." At least give it a try and show some compassion for the person you are suppose to love.
It seems that most of the men I have met are attracted to Drama Queens. They don't seem to appreciate low maintenance women. I'm thinking about taking up acting lessons!
I just came across this entry, and I wanted to applaud Dr. Cole Weston for her compassion in dealing with this man and his situation.
I'm a moderator at one of the largest, most active forums for those with a bpd loved one, bpddfamily.com, and I needed to respond to some of the comments posted here.
Borderline Personality disorder is such a complex disorder. It is very difficult for a spouse or partner to deal with someone with bpd who is in treatment, much less dealing with someone who refuses to admit that he/she has anything "wrong" with him/her. As bpd is a disorder of intimacy, many people with bpd are abusive to their partners in many ways.. it's not the mental illness; it's the abuse that often accompanies it.
Most of the spouses of people with bpd have tried and tried and tried some more. "Love" and "trying" is not something that is in short supply with most of the people who come to our forums. Most are overly compassionate, and many have strong codependent characteristics. They need to understand what they are dealing with, why they got into such a difficult relationship, and they need to understand how they may be contributing to the problems in the relationship. They learn of boundaries.
That doesn't mean they will decide to stay, but they can make better decisions for themselves, their bpd partner, and any children caught in the crossfire. Unfortunately, love is never a good enough excuse to stay with a partner who is routinely abusive or destructive and isn't capable (or doesn't want) to improve the situation.
Also, bpd is not the same as bi-polar though there is co-morbidity between the two disorders. Those with bipolar can usually achieve stability with mood stabilizing medications. Not so with those with bpd.
Very often people with bpd were the victims of childhood sexual abuse... This doesn't mean that they are misdiagnosed... childhood sexual abuse can create borderline personality disorder in a susceptible individual.
In terms of marrying someone "for better or worse", there are some religions that actually allow anullment on the basis of a partner's bpd... The thinking is that someone untreated with bpd doesn't have the emotional capacity to truly enter into the marriage vows. But most of our members struggle terribly with their marriage commitments.. they don't want to leave. But they don't want to continue to be abused nor see their kids abused.
In terms of therapy, the reality is that you can't force someone to get into therapy, and, if you do manage to get someone into therapy, you can't force them to benefit from it. Most of our couples have been in therapy... either individual or couple's therapy. Some of them have gone through 6-8-10 therapists.. but often nothing improves.
The whole "would you leave someone who has cancer?" comes up often in our discussions.. too long to answer here.
The sexual issues, the cheating, these unfortunately are common issues in relationships in which one partner has diagnosed or suspected bpd. Just because your wife no longer wants sex, that doesn't mean she has bpd.. but it is a very common phenomena among people with bpd.
Thank you Dr Weston and JoannaK for such a wonderful article and very great insight.
I've been married to a woman who I believe is very much BPD. These references materials are a lifeline.
To annonymous who believes married is married, in sickness and in health. I didn't take my weeding vows to be verbally and physically abused. No one does, and unless you have been on the receiving end you can't imagine how brutal the attacks are from someone with BPD.
Another great book is called Tears and Healing.
Wonderful infomation. Thank you Dr. Weston and JoannaK.
I could be that that man. I probably will be that man. BDP is not something that one asks for, but it is one that "is what it is".. While it is not there fault, anybody dealing with this mental illness shoud ask themselves, "I am willing to put with this?" For me personally, I have found that despite the info, I can't deal with it. I wish others more success.
I am very disappointed that this article seems to imply that those suffering from BPD are impossible to live with as though they are less human because of their disorder. Someone suffering this is no more guilty than the person suffering epilepsy. The "high-maintenance" label is very unfair too and it really keeps the stigma of this condition running rampant to those who are too ignorant to grasp what this disorder is truly about and just prefer to put discriminatory and absurd labels on it. So let's just paint the wife as some kind of obnoxious thing to deal with rather than someone with a disorder that they didn't ask for. This article shows so much ignorance and lack of compassion for this man's wife that I find it absolutely sickening!
I'm offended by the title of this article. I have BPD and there is a big difference between a "high maintenance wife" and a wife that suffers from a personality/mental disorder.
It seems that this article, along with many other articles and books revolving around BPD, focus on giving sympathy to the spouse of BPD sufferers.
Why is there such an emphasis on divorce in this case and in the BPD "help" books? BPD symptoms typically become less severe over the years. What happened to the sincerity in marriage vows? Too many doctors and authors give the spouses of BPD sufferers an excuse for divorce... because we're all so hard to deal with and we can't ever be satisfied and we're all drama queens... Personally I think it's a professional failing for any psychiatrist/psychologist to suggest divorce in the case of a BPD relationship. If they can't help people work through their problems and learn to deal with them in healthy ways, then they should refer them to someone who can.
I'm divorced, by my choice. My BPD kept me clinging on to someone for years that wasn't right for me. Now I can proudly say that I'm engaged again and have found someone who understands my disorder and is willing to be patient with me while I work it out for myself. No amount of therapy over the past 10 years has ever helped... I truly believe that BPD is one thing in a relationship that needs to be given therapy only by those involved. It takes a great deal of communication to get through the rough spots but it is possible. There is hope for us "high maintenance" girls.
I wanted to say a few worda here about BPD. My wife and I married 7 years ago and after the "romance" left shortly after the honeymoon, she started becoming very controlling. She would rage at me for very little or no reason. This has gone on and even gotton worse over the years. I started doing research online for some possible answers. What I found is that my wife meets 5 of the 9 critera needed to be a Borderline. I see people here have thought that some of us are using this as an excuse to end a marraige but I'll tell you after being cut off from all family, not having any peace at home due to walking on eggshells and all the other abuse one goes through you would be talking different. This is a serious mental condition not an excuse.
Thank you
I found this article during my decision making process.Thanks to the authors for your understanding.
My wife would undoubtably be diagnosed with BPD, if she cared enough to get evaluated or to even just humor me and talk to a professional. Because there is "nothing wrong with her", just me.
Unfortunately she has relied on my sense of duty ,loyalty , weakness and stupid belief in love to perpetuate and exacerbate her abusive cycle.
Do you even know what living with a (potentially) BPD spouse is like? Every moment of every day is a battle ground.There is always a winner and a loser every minute of the endless campaign. I can only love/hate you , you can only be my friend /enemy, I ALWAYS have to win or else YOU WILL PAY a terrible price.
There is no "US" in this marriage. There is only "ME".
I, the husband, am simply a cardboard cutout, a prop, a blurry icon representing a nominally perfect Daddy-figure that is a constant source of disappointment to her.
She is a black hole , sucking the very life out of me. Meeting her needs in the marriage is like trying to fill the Grand Canyon with dirt using a fork.
And she is okay with all of this. In fact, in her estimation ,if I see a problem in our marriage it probably means my eyes are to blame.
So to all the extremists ones here who insist on the cancer analogy.
If a mother and wife had cancer, wouldn't she go to the doctor to get it treated ? Wouldn't she want to extend her time with her family and make her remaining years as happy and joyful as possible?
Even if the treatment was painful and came at a cost wouldn't you expect that her love for her family would overwhelm her need to avoid anything she didn't "want to do"?
What if she refused that treatment despite her loved ones pleading?
Now imagine that the cancer is contagious and spreads to every member of the family EVERY DAY...
And she still refuses treatment.
Because she believes herself and her preference to be more important than any damage she does to her family.
As bad as mental illness is, you can't blame it for every decision you make in your life " I didn't run the red light officer, that was my Mental Illness!"
Everyone has free will. Your choices affect your family and loved ones. Don't you see that these men ( ME! ) are in daily HELL living with the choices their wives who they want to love FORCE on them?
We have "stuck it out". We would do anything to make it better. But we can't help her.We HAVE stayed with our marriage in sickness. And it has destroyed us and damaged our children.
So , you see, your attacks on these men and on this article are self centered and very familiar.
Like a BPD spouse you are so wrapped up in vindicating yourself that you defend the illness regardless of the cost to actual people.
Hello!
My husband and I have been maarried for 44 years this year. He had a heart attack two years ago, since then, I beleive he has developed BPD, because I can't please him in any kind of way. I honestly beleive he had a small portion of it before we were married and I just ingored it, thinking that it would get better, its' only gotten worse. I have got to old to leave him and get a job, but he has damaged my mind and I am fed up with his behavioral attitudes. I am going to purchase this book, but its' more with him than in this book. This is a mental problem.
Post a Comment