A Compassionate Husband and His High Maintenance Wife
I was working with a client this week who had come to the realization that he probably needed to end his marriage. Fortunately, there are no children involved.
A while back I had suggested that he read a book called Stop Walking on Eggshells. He did so and then returned to meet with me. I often recommend this book when I suspect that a client of mine has a loved one who has the mental condition called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). In his case, I had met his wife and I was rather sure that this diagnosis was accurate, but rather than apply a label to her, I thought that it would be beneficial for him to come to his own conclusion.
He did. And, he was quite grateful for the reading suggestion because it had clarified so many things for him.
Once he finished the book, he dove into its recommended resources list and picked up The ABC's of BPD, Love and Loathing, and Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist. He expressed such great relief about finally getting to a place of understanding his feelings while living with a wife with BPD.
And, interestingly enough, he was now trying to locate an attorney who understood the mental condition of BPD. Why? Because he still loved her and didn't want to abuse or punish her in the way that some divorces can. He wanted his attorney to know what to expect and not select strategies that would likely worsen the process for him and for his wife. He wanted compassion in his divorce.
This man sat in my office like many other men I have met over the years who were coping with a similar predicament. I was struck by his big-heartedness. He, like the others, was kind, patient, understanding and, amazingly, not angry with his wife. These salt-of-the-earth men are filled with compassion that exceeds that of most others. I have often thought that they are among the few who can, for a while (sometimes a long while) make it work with a BPD mate. I felt my eyes water up a bit and saw that his did too.
Partners of BPD individuals cope with the no-win situations that their "high maintenance" loved ones repeatedly manufacture. If there is nothing wrong, they can find something. If everyone's happy, they can find a reason not to be. If it's been a pretty good day, they know how to bring everyone down. They can turn any compliment into an insult. Why do they do this?
The way that experts in this particular field describe it is this: BPD folks have a "hole in their soul." There's an emptiness inside that is almost intolerable. Rather than feel this aching void, they stir up the emotions of those around them with their actions. For a time, the distraction this causes solves their problem. They don't have to feel the "hole." But it only works...for a while.
As we were talking, my client pointed out a section in Splitting for attorneys. I listened and thought that divorce attorneys probably came into contact with an exceptionally high number of BPD clients (or opposing clients). I found myself wishing that all divorce attorneys would read the book with the hoped for result of much less pain for everyone involved. I've heard many stories about "impossible clients" and "drama queens" (and occasionally "kings") from my colleagues who work in the world of divorce law. Here is some material that could really be of help if they would take the time.
All of these resources, plus various forms of support for people with BPD and their loved ones (including parents), can be found at BPD Central. If you are in a relationship with a "high maintenance" person, I think you might find some relief at this site.
Related Topics: Technorati Tags: Sex Matters, borderline personality disorder, BPD, divorce
A while back I had suggested that he read a book called Stop Walking on Eggshells. He did so and then returned to meet with me. I often recommend this book when I suspect that a client of mine has a loved one who has the mental condition called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). In his case, I had met his wife and I was rather sure that this diagnosis was accurate, but rather than apply a label to her, I thought that it would be beneficial for him to come to his own conclusion.
He did. And, he was quite grateful for the reading suggestion because it had clarified so many things for him.
Once he finished the book, he dove into its recommended resources list and picked up The ABC's of BPD, Love and Loathing, and Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist. He expressed such great relief about finally getting to a place of understanding his feelings while living with a wife with BPD.
And, interestingly enough, he was now trying to locate an attorney who understood the mental condition of BPD. Why? Because he still loved her and didn't want to abuse or punish her in the way that some divorces can. He wanted his attorney to know what to expect and not select strategies that would likely worsen the process for him and for his wife. He wanted compassion in his divorce.
This man sat in my office like many other men I have met over the years who were coping with a similar predicament. I was struck by his big-heartedness. He, like the others, was kind, patient, understanding and, amazingly, not angry with his wife. These salt-of-the-earth men are filled with compassion that exceeds that of most others. I have often thought that they are among the few who can, for a while (sometimes a long while) make it work with a BPD mate. I felt my eyes water up a bit and saw that his did too.
Partners of BPD individuals cope with the no-win situations that their "high maintenance" loved ones repeatedly manufacture. If there is nothing wrong, they can find something. If everyone's happy, they can find a reason not to be. If it's been a pretty good day, they know how to bring everyone down. They can turn any compliment into an insult. Why do they do this?
The way that experts in this particular field describe it is this: BPD folks have a "hole in their soul." There's an emptiness inside that is almost intolerable. Rather than feel this aching void, they stir up the emotions of those around them with their actions. For a time, the distraction this causes solves their problem. They don't have to feel the "hole." But it only works...for a while.
As we were talking, my client pointed out a section in Splitting for attorneys. I listened and thought that divorce attorneys probably came into contact with an exceptionally high number of BPD clients (or opposing clients). I found myself wishing that all divorce attorneys would read the book with the hoped for result of much less pain for everyone involved. I've heard many stories about "impossible clients" and "drama queens" (and occasionally "kings") from my colleagues who work in the world of divorce law. Here is some material that could really be of help if they would take the time.
All of these resources, plus various forms of support for people with BPD and their loved ones (including parents), can be found at BPD Central. If you are in a relationship with a "high maintenance" person, I think you might find some relief at this site.
Related Topics: Technorati Tags: Sex Matters, borderline personality disorder, BPD, divorce
11 Comments:
I found this to be a very interesting article and it does put into prescriptive some people I have met.
I do wonder though where do you find information on woman who screw around with no thought of the damage they are inflicting on their loved ones. I mean if they want to do that how come they always make up ways to keep in a relation and then still hurt a person for no reason or until they can't take it anymore.
If you know send me a message at concert19766@yahoo.com I would love to have an answer.
i ran accross this article and i believe it is describing my husband, perfectly. so much so that i have started researching it further. Been married 15 years and has been emotional roller coaster. is this a real medical problem?
Hi! I am one of those high maintenance women, though it got a lot better over the years with various diagnosis.
My husband and I were in a relationship for two years, when I was diagnosed with ADD (couch potato type). WOW, the knowledge we gained through books and meds helped us tremendously. Later I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder. Now that is medicated quiet well and I am very stable.
Before you get a divorce, have some information, and maybe there is a medical reason behind certain behaviours.
For Better or Worse! If she had cancer would you leave her? Have you tried to get support?for yourself? has she been for HELP??
In your heart if you know you have tried your best and still can't live with it-then Let Go as humane as possible. Best of Luck.
What do you do when your wife tells you that she all of a sudden HAS NO sexual desire and does not have the URGES or passion that I (husband) have for the love making??? How can I get help for my wife when she doesn't want any? What about my marriage??? What causes them to just STOP at a sudden???
This is a very touchy subject for me because when a MALE doctor told me that I should have a hysterectomy at the age of 43, after having a very long fulfiling love life, it was like my life was ending. I had the hysterectomy, then never could get the hormones straightened out, had sex but never had any satisfaction (no orgasms), did not want sex anymore because it always hurt, and yet did not want to hurt my husband's feelings. The doctor called the surgery a "hubby pleaser". I called it the "wife torturer". There are so many reasons why sex "all of a sudden" is not desirable. They are doing studies here where I live with hormone therapy to increase the sex drive in women who no longer have any sex drive. I am going to see if I qualify. Don't get upset with her, she is struggling to know how to please you and not being able to please herself anymore. How would you feel if you 1) could not get an erection 2) could not get aroused 3) not have an orgasm anymore 4) it hurt every time you tried to have sex? These are some of the things she MAY be experiencing in the female world. Keep trying maybe they will come up with another type of hormone that will help her. Keep asking your doctor, go to a "sex therapist", and above all don't stop loving your wife, because a lot of what is going on with her is very common with women, just not heard about "on the 6 oclock news".
This is the first post by Ms. Cole Weston I've read, and I don't know if I'll be reading any more. I have to wonder if she's familiar with the words "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH, in joy and in sorrow, 'til death do us part..." Marriage certainly isn't easy, but it's awfully convenient to find a diagnosis to slap on your spouse and use it as an excuse to void marriage vows. Maybe some people marry in haste or marry the wrong person, but married is married. There must have been reasons and good qualities that brought them into the marriage in the first place, and I suggest they focus on those instead of looking for an excuse to opt out. How very sad!
This author has a big problem, and that is helping people fins a "medical reason" to leave their spouse. This author is sick. If I really thought my spouse had this disorder I would get to therapy (and church) immediately with them. I wouldn't dump them out on the street because it made my life challanging. This "disorder" is not more than an excuse for divorce. A lot of the things these books descibe I can see in many people from co workers to family. They are NORMAL! Shame on this author! Shame shame shame on you!
I was married to a beautiful, passionate, controlling woman for over 30 years. She filed for divorce about two years ago and it was final 1 year ago.
I came upon this article while searching for some answers to some physical symptoms I have been having and wish I had seen it about 10 years ago. The first twenty years had the typical ups and downs but we still loved each other very much.
The next 5 years began to deteriorate and I began grasping at straws trying to please her.
The final 5 years were hell for both of us. On and off counseling early in our marriage helped, but the last 5 years it seemed both of us gave up.
I had no idea there was such a disorder. Had I know, perhaps we would have made it.
Thanks for the insight. At least I know it wasn't ALL my fault.
I wondered if it has occurred to this author that people (often women) diagnosed with BPD are often sex abuse victims who are misdiagnosed. The real problem is post-traumatic stress disorder which carries many overlapping symptoms of BPD. I agree with the writer "in sickness and in health." At least give it a try and show some compassion for the person you are suppose to love.
It seems that most of the men I have met are attracted to Drama Queens. They don't seem to appreciate low maintenance women. I'm thinking about taking up acting lessons!
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