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Getting Things Started
People come to my office for all sorts of reasons that pertain to their sexuality. But one of the most frequent issues that surfaces in our discussions turns out to be initiation - how to get sex started with one's partner. It turns out that this can be a problem both for people in a new relationship and for folks who've been together for many years.
Among the newly dating, I've seen initiations that move at warp speed and those that have a more glacial pace. Sometimes the speedier folks' motivation for jumping into sex quickly can range from "I'm so turned on that I can't wait any longer" to issues that pertain to anxiety - "If I try to delay, he'll think I'm not into sex" and "If I don't make a move, she'll think I'm not attracted to her."
The slower moving group may also base its decision on issues of anxiety: "If I let it happen, what will he think of me?" and "If I try too soon, she'll think I think she's easy." And, in some cases, it's the converse of those who are so turned on they can barely keep their clothes on. It's "I'm not really sure that I'm attracted to this person."
People in long term relationships seem to collect even more reasons for hesitating when it comes to initiating sex. There are ones that pertain to one's sense of self and those relating to one's partner.
Often self-criticism lies at the heart of some of these reasons: "I'm too fat to get naked," or "I may not get an erection." Other times it boils down to a battle among competing human urges: "I'm too tired" or "I can't be late to work." But other times, it revolves around the fact that there are obstacles in the relationship that are difficult to overcome or ignore: "He's mean to me," or "I'm just a paycheck to her" or "Why have sex at home when the sex I'm having elsewhere satisfies me more?" And last, there are times when there just isn't any urge: "I could live the rest of my life without having sex again and it wouldn't be a problem."
Women who misunderstand the mechanism of the PDE5 inhibitors (Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra) often will say, "Men have Viagra, why isn't there something for women?" They sometimes oversimplify the issue of lack of sexual contact in their relationship - that a pill could make all the difference they need - when, in fact, there are so many possible explanations for the difficulty of initiating sex. Sex is complex and getting it started is sometimes also complex.
Sorting out all of these reasons that inhibit the initiation of sex is one of the jobs of a sex therapist. It's one that comes up nearly every day. It's quite clear that initiation issues plague a lot of people. Just notice the number of articles in magazines that tackle the topic of sexual frequency and the absence of sexual desire - even in men's magazines.
Some people are unfortunately in the situation of having several reasons that obstruct starting up their sexual connection with a partner. At that point, it is very much like peeling the layers of an onion - physiologically fixing those that can be fixed and tackling those beliefs and ideas that rest upon anxiety within oneself and within a relationship. Asking oneself to be completely candid about what gets in the way of starting up a sexual encounter is the very necessary first step to making a change.
Related Topics: Technorati Tags: initiating sex, healthy sexuality
Among the newly dating, I've seen initiations that move at warp speed and those that have a more glacial pace. Sometimes the speedier folks' motivation for jumping into sex quickly can range from "I'm so turned on that I can't wait any longer" to issues that pertain to anxiety - "If I try to delay, he'll think I'm not into sex" and "If I don't make a move, she'll think I'm not attracted to her."
The slower moving group may also base its decision on issues of anxiety: "If I let it happen, what will he think of me?" and "If I try too soon, she'll think I think she's easy." And, in some cases, it's the converse of those who are so turned on they can barely keep their clothes on. It's "I'm not really sure that I'm attracted to this person."
People in long term relationships seem to collect even more reasons for hesitating when it comes to initiating sex. There are ones that pertain to one's sense of self and those relating to one's partner.
Often self-criticism lies at the heart of some of these reasons: "I'm too fat to get naked," or "I may not get an erection." Other times it boils down to a battle among competing human urges: "I'm too tired" or "I can't be late to work." But other times, it revolves around the fact that there are obstacles in the relationship that are difficult to overcome or ignore: "He's mean to me," or "I'm just a paycheck to her" or "Why have sex at home when the sex I'm having elsewhere satisfies me more?" And last, there are times when there just isn't any urge: "I could live the rest of my life without having sex again and it wouldn't be a problem."
Women who misunderstand the mechanism of the PDE5 inhibitors (Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra) often will say, "Men have Viagra, why isn't there something for women?" They sometimes oversimplify the issue of lack of sexual contact in their relationship - that a pill could make all the difference they need - when, in fact, there are so many possible explanations for the difficulty of initiating sex. Sex is complex and getting it started is sometimes also complex.
Sorting out all of these reasons that inhibit the initiation of sex is one of the jobs of a sex therapist. It's one that comes up nearly every day. It's quite clear that initiation issues plague a lot of people. Just notice the number of articles in magazines that tackle the topic of sexual frequency and the absence of sexual desire - even in men's magazines.
Some people are unfortunately in the situation of having several reasons that obstruct starting up their sexual connection with a partner. At that point, it is very much like peeling the layers of an onion - physiologically fixing those that can be fixed and tackling those beliefs and ideas that rest upon anxiety within oneself and within a relationship. Asking oneself to be completely candid about what gets in the way of starting up a sexual encounter is the very necessary first step to making a change.
Related Topics: Technorati Tags: initiating sex, healthy sexuality
13 Comments:
i had a UTI and it was really bad i got medicine but it went away for about 2 weeks and now its back and now sex is hurting really bad, and my sides hurt, ive been having sex in this one position and it was great untill about 2 weeks ago, now it just hurts.. can my infection be causing this?
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adrienne627451@yahoo.com
Everyone (particularly women - whose urethra is shorter than that of a man) should urinate after sex. Urinary tract infections are ascending. Bacteria enters through the urethra, and moves up into the bladder. If not treated properly, it can then move up the ureters into the kidneys. During intercourse, fluids and bacteria enter the urethra. Urinating after sex can help flush out those fluids to help prevent a urinary tract infection.
LKA, RN
I think that the uti hasnt actually gone away yet. you may need a new antibiotic. urination after sex is helpful and better then not going because you do get ride of alot of bactira that was there. but yes i do beleive that if sex wasnt bothering you before the uti and now its bothering you again i would go back and see your doctor. so he/she can give you another script.
I have been married for 5 years and we have 2 children. I always have an excuse to not have sex. I am sleepy, I have to work, th kids might wake up, blah blah and more blah. Recently I have been trying to initiate it once a week. I make a goal! And I initiate it with all our clothes on and I start by rubbing his face with my fingers for a bit and then kiss him a couple times. from there we just play like its the first time and be nervous about where to touch first. Its almost like foreplay and works very well for me.
why is it that women can not understand that sex is part of life and that it is also part of being married. i have heard so many reason why they do not want to have sex, i can see if she is really sick and it maybe that she is going through her change. and if that is the question then she should tell him, you should always set aside a time and place to be with one another. time changes that i know and sex sometimes will not be there when you want it. but once are twice a week is good, and please all you women do not give the man that you once dated and now are married to all the sex that he want when you dated him just to get married and then cut him off to almost nothing at all, that wrong and all of you know that it is. the reason i say that is that is what is happen to me right. mind you i will not cheat on her like we said in front of god for better or worse.
Sometimes its hard to "get things started" when you know it won't get finished. My husband and i have been married for 16 years and it's a miracle we have 2 kids. He has so much trouble maintaining his "stance" that almost always sex ends before we want it too. It seems he has no desire and i can see why, he doesn't want to fail, yet refuses to talk to his doctor about it either. So why bother and I know it bothers him so why put pressure in an otherwise good marriage. I do miss the intimacy though.
|We have been married for 27 years and had sex for many years. however, last couple of years my wife is not showing much interest in sex and i have to satisfy by having oral sex. any help in getting her back to normal. she is nearing 50s now
WHat about married women like me who want to have sex and romance and their spouse is tired, or isn't really that interested? We have tried a schedule of at least once every 3 days, but I am sure he wishes it were once a week instead.
Why is it that women always get the blame for having low desire? Apparently, once they're married, men completely forget that women aren't made the same as they are sexually -- certainly they knew this when they were dating! A woman needs a few tender words, a little romance to get in the mood. Not just "how about it, honey?" from a sloppy, unshaven, unwashed husband.
read the comments here... one of them i identify with. After having frequent sex with my now wife, the years have passed and it has become less and less. We decided to get married. Suddenly sex drops to once a month (if i am lucky)! No reason.No bad stuff like some of the poor women posting here.no kids. we are in our early 30's. Make me wonder what the point of marriage is if it means the end of sex. It's certainly not solved by the simplistic, crass, and sexist comment that was made by the last post here.
Well this is a switch for you all. I am a mother of five, we are a blended family, my husband is a day cab truck driver he works long hours and is tired...blah blah blah. and I love him and I love sex, but he is always toooo tired..so we make love maybe once or twice a week, if I'm lucky. I usually am the one to initiate and frequently get turned down, do any of you have suggestions, cheating is not an option and I have toys but they are not as fun by myself.
thanks for your time, sharon
We've married for about 7 yrs. Sex has been improtant in our life...but she is shy to show that she wants it! I always have to initiate sex and sometimes beg her for it even when she really want it. Sometimes, we will plan to do it and don't even get close to me and wait for my move and if I don't make it (that move), she will get so angry and nerveous such it will be like insulting her once realize that I missed the target and start making some moves ( careless, kisses and touches, etc) in a bed. Sometimes, it will frustrate me after she push me away and turn her back. No matter how many swet words I may use...even she feels that she is beeing turned down...it (bad mood)can last a week! Somehow I think that she doesn't really love me...
Also, this bahaviour has been running in my head such it makes me feel that I don't even want to have sex at all!
Any advise?
we have been married for 17 yrs. and i am never in the mood. mostly because it is boring. i don't want to hurt my wifes feelings, so i don't say anything or i say it's due to something else. we have talked and in doing so we have discussed 3somes etc. she says it turns her on thinking about being with another woman. she isnt sure she could actually do it. as for me i wouldn't even have to "be" with the other woman. i'd like to participate with my wife of course, i'm just at my wits end. i mean i love my wife but we do need something to help us. how do i approach the idea of actually having a 3 some and make her comfortable with it. where do we find another woman to join us? please give me some ideas.
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