When You Find Your Kids Under the Blanket

Recently I received a comment from a parent concerned about her children's sexual curiosity and exploration. Since this is a common concern, I thought I'd share her question and my response.

"I just googled "sexual curiousity" because we found our son (6) and daughter (3) under the covers with her panties off (no touching but still...) and were horrified and grief-stricken. He knows it is wrong (and she is too young to understand) but what do we do now? What consequences can we give him (we gave him a time out) so that he understands the behaviour is always wrong (when you're a child) without him thinking he's a horrible person? Do we need help?"

Childhood naturally involves the understanding of bodies - both one's own and of others. Adults may be well intentioned when they stumble across children in the midst of this phase of data gathering, but they often misunderstand what is going on. Keep in mind that when two teens or two adults are in the same bed and one of them has their underpants off, it likely means that something sexual may be about to happen. It is not necessary nor fair to make that same assumption with young children of this age.

Think about all of the data that children gather in a normal day. They ask many questions about so much. At five and six years of age, they are little scientists exploring and trying to understand. So, if you hold the scene you happened upon in that light, you will be much less disturbed by it and your children will be much less traumatized by your reaction to it.

An appropriate reaction might be, "Oh, I see you two are under the covers together. Come on out and let's get everyone dressed in our usual daytime clothes." Then you go do that and take as many deep breaths as you think you need while you keep reminding yourself that these are not adults nor teens.

Kids do not make the same inferences in situations that adults do. For all you know, your three-year-old may have wandered in from having gone to the bathroom (it is that potty training time) and climbed into the bed with her brother to pretend it's a tent. So, you can ask the kids while you're busy fixing them a snack (giving your nervous hands something to do), "Were you two playing a game in the bed?" "Yes? Oh, what kind of game?" Play the curious and unflapped detective. Find out what they say that they were doing.

If you somehow were to learn that they were engaged in genital touching, then you can casually say, "Oh, you know, in our house, we only touch our own bodies when it's the part that's under our underpants. We don't touch other people there." No shaming. No crisis. Keep it matter of fact and tell it the same way that you would say, "In our house, we brush our teeth every night before we go to bed."

To help you get to this less panicked place, there are a few books that I would recommend:

• It's Not the Stork! by Robie Harris (ages 3 and up)


• It's So Amazing by Robie Harris (ages 7 and up)


• It's Perfectly Normal by Robie Harris (ages 10 and up)


• The Thinking Parent's Guide to Talking Sense About Sex by Deborah Roffman (for parents)


• But How'd I Get in There in the First Place? by Deborah Roffman (for parents)


• How to Be the Best Lover by Howard Schiffer (for boys age 13 and up)

(I am still waiting for the female counterpart to Schiffer's book to be written!)

So, the help that you need is just more information about the normal developmental stages that children pass through with regard to their bodies. Any time you get a "teachable moment," go for it. Offer your sexual philosophy in small bits and without great fanfare any time.

Answer only the question that has been asked. Don't think that because a seemingly sexual topic has been raised that it's time for "the big talk." Having "the big talk" is a mistake for everyone - it makes you nervous and your kids too, not to mention that it's just too much information for kids to take in all at once. Just keep a steady, open dialogue going on that can come up at any time - even when you're just chopping vegetables in the kitchen for that night's dinner.

Related Topics:

Sex Education: Who Should Teach It?

Sex Ed for Your Kids: One Talk Won't Do