Should Mom Worry About Her Young Daughter's Sexual Behavior?

A commenter on a previous post asked this:

I have a question pertaining to the topic here. My child, a 5-year old girl, has been exhibiting a behavior sexual in nature since about 3. She will "hump" a stuffed toy or, as of late, a balled up blanket. At first I though she was just pretending to ride them but when she switched to a blanket recently I realized what she was doing.

I am alarmed because I have asked every mom I know with a 5-year-old daughter and I found only one other mom who will say, "Yes, my child does that also." Does this mean my child has a problem? I have been taking her blanket form her at night (since it is the only time she does it) because she has been doing it every night before bed. Should I be discouraging this behavior? Should I even acknowledge it?

Though not all children discover self-pleasuring by this age, many do. Children have been known to have orgasms at this age. (We know this from interviewing adults about this and ask them to recall their experiences.) If the child does have an orgasm, it is a fairly powerful reinforcer. As any adult knows, an orgasm feels rather good. People, young and old, tend to pursue things that feel good.

Other mothers may not know if their children do masturbate. Some children hide it well. Others do it to assist in falling asleep - often when their parents have left the room. Some would mistake it for "riding" a toy. And, some parents simply would not admit it even they thought their child did masturbate.

Even as long ago as the 1950s, Alfred Kinsey found in his research that women who masturbate to orgasm before marriage tended to be much more likely to be orgasmic in their sex during marriage. And teens and young women who know that they can create an orgasm themselves any time they want tend to be less driven to seek out a sexual partner to do that for them. They also tend to be better able to express to a partner what it is that sexually pleases them. This helps these women develop greater sexual self-esteem and feel less exploited by sexual partners.

When I work with adult women who have not yet learned to be orgasmic, the first step nearly every time is to assist these women in learning how to masturbate in their own home. I provide them encouragement and specific information about what to expect during the process of learning how to become orgasmic.

So, there are many reasons why learning to self-pleasure can result in good decision-making and good sexual fulfillment later in life.

I can, however, understand your concern when you feel like your child is fairly unusual in her pursuits. Of course, you want to suggest that she only does this in her room when she's by herself. It's a private way that she's learning her body. She may be expecting privacy when using the bathroom around this time too. So you can blend this suggestion for privacy together with that one. If you take away her blanket, she may resort to her pillow. After a while, she might be sleeping on a pillowless, blanket-free bed. I doubt that you want to create such an austere sleeping environment.

If you stigmatize her behavior, punish her, or cause her to feel guilty about it, you may set in motion some psychological concerns later on. It's not that she would necessarily be traumatized by it. I certainly know many people whose parents expressed their disapproval of self-stimulation without causing a neurosis. Yet the ones who had parents who simply wove sexuality into the everyday conversation are incredibly grateful for their parents' calm acceptance of that facet of life.

Related Topics:

• Your Guide to Masturbation
• Talking to Your Kids About Sex