The Starfish Position

Yesterday as I sat under a hair dryer waiting for the highlighting bleach to do its magic, I scanned an issue of Glamour magazine since it was within reach once I was under the dryer. I haven't looked at one in more than a decade. I usually bring my own reading material to distract me from the heat, but happened to forget to do so yesterday.

I was really struck by the intensity of the images, different from those in the People magazine that sits in my therapy office waiting room. Sure, there are make up and hair care product ads, but the ones in Glamour just jumped off the page. I sat there thinking about how incredibly difficult it is for teenage and twenty-something females to feel good about their face and body with these amazing images of perfection. Air brushing finished off what actual physical beauty failed to offer in reality.

I was also struck by the sadism of articles on figure flaws and similar topics. If the pictures didn't do the job of planting insecurity, the articles would finish the job. I do understand that magazines are essentially about reader numbers and that playing to people's fears increases readership - yet I found this pretty assaulting.

I know that I'm not writing anything new here - so far.

Later on, I remembered a comment that a client had made that week about some different types of casual sexual encounters. We talked about "Kleenex dates." These were sexual hook ups in which the males essentially saw their female partners as the equivalent of Kleenex - a place to figuratively blow their nose and deposit their semen, nothing more.

Photo Credit: Kyle Flood

Then he brought up another facet of casual sex - a female who is what's called a "starfish." This was a term that was coined to describe that during sex some females merely lay there like a starfish - legs apart and arms outspread with no movement or participation. They provide access to their genitals but there's not much else going on for them nor being done for their partner.

I wondered if there was any connection between the starfish and Glamour magazine. I thought of a few possible connections. Some women think that if they look good, that's all that they need do in order to be a worthy sexual partner. Laying there looking good is the sum total of their participation.

I also thought about how sexualized the Glamour magazine ads are. Obviously, I'm all for sexuality, yet I wondered how many young women find themselves pulled into partnered sex by magazines and other cultural messages before they're really ready, like swimmers in a rip tide. I suspected that some of these women were expert at the starfish position too. For them it isn't so much that they think that it's all they need to do, but instead because they don't have a clue about what they could do.

I'd be interested in hearing from people (probably it would be males predominantly) who have been in sexual situations with women in the starfish position. Was it more about the women thinking, "This is all I need to do" or that they were thinking, "This is all I know how to do?"

Related Topics:

• Virginity Lost, Experience Gained
• The Shy Girl's Guide to Satisfaction (In Bed)

Technorati Tags: sex matters, healthy sexuality, starfish, body image, self image

If Insurance Paid for Marital and Relationship Therapy...

You may not know that most health insurers do not pay for marital (and relationship) therapy. A relationship that is in trouble does not constitute a medical condition - even though it can have a lot of impact on people. So, if it's not a medical condition, no coverage.

Unless a couple is using a Flex Spending Account (also often called a "cafeteria plan"), into which they have put pre-taxed dollars, they most often cannot pay for their couples therapy with anything except their own after-tax money. Most insurance companies require a mental health diagnosis to cover therapy. This forces mental health professionals into labels that can be arbitrary and not the best description of what is going on.

All the way around, this is unfortunate - especially financially. A study in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy (7, 2007) found that insurance companies who covered the screening and treatment of marital distress would probably save much more money than they spent. This would mean more money for therapists, lower premiums for clients, and improved relationships for many trouble couples.

Where do the savings come from? It turns out that people use medical healthcare services less after receiving therapy for their relationship problems. One study found that the average couple who went to therapy reduced their use of healthcare more than 20% in the six months following their therapy - regardless of how successful the therapy was! According to this study by the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services, healthcare costs average over $7,000 per person per year in the U.S. So, anything that lowers that expenditure by 20% can add up to a lot of saved money for insurance companies.

So, the question was asked, "Is it worthwhile for insurance companies to pay for relationship therapy?" According to Ben Caldwell, the author of the study in the Jouranl of Marital and Family Therapy, the answer is affirmative. It turns out that if health insurance companies paid for therapy for distressed couples, they would save up to $1.48 in later healthcare costs for every $1 they spent.

So, why are things the way they are? Insurance companies need to be convinced that couples therapy can be effective - even as a short term option - and that it will add to their profits. Research that supports this position is starting to emerge. And relationship therapy methods and approaches are continually being refined and honed to offer greater gain for the couple.

The study also found out that tax payers would save money too if marital distress screening and treatment were paid for through governmental sources. A study conducted in Utah found that the taxpayer cost of a single divorce is conservatively estimated at $30,000. This was calculated in direct costs such as food stamps and indirect costs such as more police to combat an increase in crime. If government agencies paid for the cost of marital therapy at about $2,000, every divorce that was avoided would return about $30,000. Even if only 16% of the couples identified as being in distress went on to get therapy, the government would still break even.

This is a no-brainer.

Related Topics:

• The 'Good Enough' Marriage
• Sex Therapy & Other Counseling

Technorati Tags: marital therapy, relationship therapy, health insurance, sexual health