Let The Ceremonies Begin!

On June 17 California began performing marriages between same sex couples. As a Californian for the last 36 years and a former San Franciscan for 22 years, I've been watching this social and legal battle unfold for quite some time.

When San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsome began issuing marriage licenses to same sex couples in 2004, I sensed that there would be some kind of obstruction and eventually there was. Yet, even Governor Schwarzenegger (who is personally against marriage between same sex people) was unwilling to oppose it legally from his elected office.

Groups opposing the decision by the California Supreme Court are now waging a campaign to reverse the court's decision by placing a voter initiative on the 2008 November ballot to ban same sex marriage in the state's constitution. This ballot measure campaign is being spearheaded by the Concerned Women of America.

I am amazed at times by the position that groups such as the Concerned Women of America take. So often the explanation is offered that same sex marriages will weaken heterosexual marriage. I never quite get this.

The divorce rate is rather high in the U.S. (well over 50%), but I don't see the Concerned Women of America setting their sites on fixing that threat to marriage. How about some premarital counseling offered free to couples instead of sinking these many dollars into political battles? Wouldn't marriage be less threatened if marriages lasted? Or if those who intended to marry got a realistic picture of what marriage is? This would involve understanding the nature of marriage and not holding some notion that amounts to a rose-tinted fairy tale. Some people might wisely back away from what would turn into an ill-fated marriage.

Perhaps this battle is about the haves and the have nots. Certainly we've seen other examples of this in history - Catholic priests not marrying and having family in order to keep the wealth within the church's ownership. So, is this about benefits and inheritance, making sure the heterosexuals have most of the money, privileges, and access? I don't know.

What I am fairly certain about, however, is that the folks who participate in these types of initiatives (such as the Defense of Marriage Act, otherwise known to Californians as Proposition 22) are afraid. They are afraid of the corruption of society. Anything that legitimizes the fact that there are people whose sexual orientation is other than heterosexual strikes fear into the hearts of some people. And, this fear equals the fall of society - to them.

I actually see it as the saving of our society. I value these times greatly. I am thrilled that this year's presidential candidates included the array of people it did, from members of the Latter Day Saints to a biracial male to an "old guy" to a post-menopausal female. I am glad that people who used to be disenfranchised now have access like never before. I don't think that all our tasks are complete - far from it! But when California's Supreme Court joins the state of Massachusetts in this manner, we are headed in a good direction and I too am proud of my country.

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Technorati Tags: same sex marriage, California, sex matters

What to Do With Those Sex Toys...When You're a Parent

Years ago I was on an advisory board for a company that sold sexual accessories. Back then, it only sold its wares through a paper catalog. The Internet became an vehicle for selling sex toys just as my position on the advisory board was ending -- and what a vehicle it has become!

Many years before having this advisory board position, I had run my own small sex toy company called As You Like It (a tribute to my former intention of becoming a high school English teacher). This paid my bills through grad school and gave me incredibly valuable experience speaking in front of groups (ranging from five to a thousand and ultimately on national TV and radio).

In the five years I spent doing in-home presentations of sexual accessories, I met over 7,000 people (99% women). We talked about their difficulties, their pleasures, their mates, and all the other things that women like to gab about when we get into groups. It worked very well to sell products this way because women considered such gatherings both a shopping opportunity and a social event!

One colleague of mine who was finishing up his Ph.D. in psychology at UCSF once commented to me that he thought my talks were the sneakiest form of adult sex education he'd ever seen! I had such fun explaining concepts like what caused lubrication to occur for women and what could interrupt it or ways for women to learn to become orgasmic (explain, not demonstrate) -- the products just sold themselves.

In any event, I digress. At each advisory board meeting, we would be asked what trends were going on culturally when it came to sex. Were there any products that should be included in their line of offerings? Should any new ones be invented?

I vividly recall one of the other advisory board members saying that a product needed to be created that cleverly disguised itself as a container for sex toys to keep them private from children in the household. At that point, I had no children. The idea seemed somewhat esoteric. He suggested that a rather boring looking winter coat have inside it all sorts of zippers and pockets to store sex toys. After all, most kids would pass right by such a coat in their parents' closet.

I now have a five-year old and a nine-year old and I couldn't agree more!!

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Technorati Tags: sexuality, parenting