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Did My Daughter Do a Hair Flip?
Learning to beguile at a young age.
by Steven Schlozman, MD, Associate Director of Medical Student Education in Psychiatry for Harvard Medical School and author of Psychology Today's Grand Rounds blog.
"Did she just do a hair flip?" my wife asks, smiling, wide eyed, as if our 8-year-old daughter has said a new word or taken her first few steps.
I replay what I've just seen. My daughter's talking to a great kid whom she's known since kindergarten. He says something charming and my sweet "latency age" child effortlessly tilts her little head down and throws it back, her long chestnut hair sweeping forward and then back again along her shoulder blades. Her friend, just for an instant, loses his balance, stumbles a bit toward the wall against which he had a second before been so confidently leaning. It's like there was a small earthquake, but he regains his composure quickly and is back to his confident poise in almost no time. I could have missed the whole thing if I had hiccupped.
I nod to my wife and agree: "Yeah. That was a hair flip...I'm going in."
"Don't you dare," warns my wife, reminding me of all the reasons that I married her. We men often descend into buffoonery without the guidance of our wiser partners.
Freud felt that the sexual world of an 8-year-old was "latent." Hah! Hell, my legs felt rubbery. My daughter knew, at some very deep-rooted biological and unconscious level, exactly what she was doing. When Desmond Morris wrote The Naked Ape, he argued that humans learn to flirt early as a function of adaptive evolutionary pressures. In this sense, flirtation, of which the Hair Flip is a specific enactment, helps humans to occupy a biological niche that I believe has as much to do with romance as it does with reproduction. I have been on the receiving end of a Hair Flip, and it is a true pheromone, an invitation to continue the interaction, a sign that things are going well.
And that, as a psychiatrist and as a father, I must acknowledge is a good thing. That my daughter can do a Hair Flip is wicked cool. Her rapidly developing brain gleaned a social and evolutionarily adaptive communicative cue from the prevailing culture and called upon it at the appropriate time. THIS IS NORMAL! Any discomfort I experience is about my own coming to terms with my daughter's capacity to beguile. And for this, I know a lot of good shrinks I can talk to.
Read more by Steven Schlozman, MD on Psychology Today’s Grand Rounds blog.
Related Topics:
"Did she just do a hair flip?" my wife asks, smiling, wide eyed, as if our 8-year-old daughter has said a new word or taken her first few steps.
I replay what I've just seen. My daughter's talking to a great kid whom she's known since kindergarten. He says something charming and my sweet "latency age" child effortlessly tilts her little head down and throws it back, her long chestnut hair sweeping forward and then back again along her shoulder blades. Her friend, just for an instant, loses his balance, stumbles a bit toward the wall against which he had a second before been so confidently leaning. It's like there was a small earthquake, but he regains his composure quickly and is back to his confident poise in almost no time. I could have missed the whole thing if I had hiccupped.
I nod to my wife and agree: "Yeah. That was a hair flip...I'm going in."
"Don't you dare," warns my wife, reminding me of all the reasons that I married her. We men often descend into buffoonery without the guidance of our wiser partners.
Freud felt that the sexual world of an 8-year-old was "latent." Hah! Hell, my legs felt rubbery. My daughter knew, at some very deep-rooted biological and unconscious level, exactly what she was doing. When Desmond Morris wrote The Naked Ape, he argued that humans learn to flirt early as a function of adaptive evolutionary pressures. In this sense, flirtation, of which the Hair Flip is a specific enactment, helps humans to occupy a biological niche that I believe has as much to do with romance as it does with reproduction. I have been on the receiving end of a Hair Flip, and it is a true pheromone, an invitation to continue the interaction, a sign that things are going well.
And that, as a psychiatrist and as a father, I must acknowledge is a good thing. That my daughter can do a Hair Flip is wicked cool. Her rapidly developing brain gleaned a social and evolutionarily adaptive communicative cue from the prevailing culture and called upon it at the appropriate time. THIS IS NORMAL! Any discomfort I experience is about my own coming to terms with my daughter's capacity to beguile. And for this, I know a lot of good shrinks I can talk to.
*****
Read more by Steven Schlozman, MD on Psychology Today’s Grand Rounds blog.
Related Topics:
Labels: modern love, sexuality
10 Comments:
Doc,
Since your daughter was in her mother's arms, she's been practicing a lot of "moves", and most of them were aimed at YOU!! Babies are outrageous flirts from the git-go. This one caught you viscerally because you aren't the object of it. Little girls practice all of that on their daddies, and love them dearly and deeply, if they are around to bask in that daddy worship. It is definitely unconscious imprinting. If a little girl doesn't have a daddy, that's when it gets dicey, because she'll try those moves on some other grown male, and you, mental health guy, surely know the possible results of that.
Yep, daddy, she was born a sexual being, and now it's moving outward to the rest of the male population, and you are going to need that wise woman you married to get you through all that little one's good and bad choices over her lifetime. Reproduction is our first mission on the planet, and that's an awkward thing in a society that expects us to finish graduate school! The good news is that all those early interactions with you have been a success, because she's right on track!
Happy, conflicted you!
uh-uh. hair flips at that age are NOT good. she's eight years old! if you don't nip it in the bud now, when does it end? i'm certainly not suggesting to put her under ur thumb until she's 21. just remember she's a kid, and she will need her childhood and your proper parental guidance to mature into a healthy, happy, mature and sexual individual. just be careful when you approach that slippery slope. there are girls in parts of the world that are having sex and reproducing at nine. don't let it happen to your daughter.
While I would like to keep my children innocent for as long as I can, I think that 10:27 a.m. is so over reacting!!! Get a grip. Its an eight year old simply interacting. The Hair flip is not something dirty and sexual like you make it out to be, its totally harmless.
I think its perfectly fine -- 10:27 am is over reacting.
Think of the impression it would imprint upon her to tell her that innocent flirting is wrong and shameful. THAT would give her hang ups and a complex - to have her father, her primary figure for male approval, scold and condone her would certainly send her looking for that approval elsewhere and THAT is the slippery slope
Wow. Why is it that men perceive everything a female does as sexual? I guarantee that 90% of the times that a man interprets something this way, she does not have sex on her mind. Especially an 8 year old for goodness sake! Get over yourselves and your giant egos! Maybe if you did there would be less sexual assault in this world.
I think its sweet and who are we to look for more than it was. As he says, it could have been missed within a second. All kids go through those stages, without giving it it a second thought. So did we all. You dont suddenly develop this at 18.(I wish). Its cute that a parent could witness this, as part of growing up. At least shes going in the right direction. Lets not always analyse and spread everything so thinly.That little girl never even noticed nature doing its thing. It was there when she first opened her eyes and daddy cuddled her. Like others said before me. You must be a loving dad, and accept that feather in your cap. well done with a balanced little girl.
I dont have a problem with a hair flip at all, certainly not at 8. I agree with Lydia and 7:55. I have 4 kids, 2 of which are girls and aged 3 & 4. They are naturally affectionate and loved individuals. My 4yr old will prance up and down with her hand on her hip and "flip" her hair with her hand. That doesnt constitute anything sexual...she is practicing to be a lady and doing what comes naturally.
Yes, we as mothers, need to guide our little ladies and make them aware of the dangers out there, but not at the expense of her imagination and self esteem.
Unfortunately a few years back I remember a good friend of mine's little brother taking his eight year old girlfriend "behind the swingset" when he was nine and bragging to us about how he had his way with her. What actually happened I don't know and don't want to because it disgusted me but obviously stuck with me.
Everyone's talking about over-reaction, but seriously I think all that 10:27 am was trying to say, is if she's old enough to flirt and beguile she's probably old enough to have a good conversation with her mother and father about values, sex and boys. I know alot of people just think aw it's so cute, but how cute do you think it is when you see a sixteen year old flashing her cha cha's on a girls gone wild video. I'm just saying that we should talk to our children VERY early about sex, flirtation and the big bad world out there, before they go out and experience everything on their own without guidance.
Doctor, I applaud your wife. One of the things that I am most grateful to my mother for is that when I came of the dating age, she allowed me to make my mistakes, even when both she and my father knew that a guy I was dating wasn't good for me. Your daughter obviously has several years before this becomes an issue, but what I'm trying to say is that what your wife and my mother demonstrate is trust, both in who their children are AND in the way they have raised their children. That is an accomplishment, and kudos to you for allowing yourself to be restrained from the very natural instinct to protect. I do not think this was necessarily an overt sexual invitation, as some suggest it may be, but I do agree with the previous comment. She's obviously on the right page in her development, and in this day and age, it is NEVER to early to talk to a child about sex (I just turned 24, so I remember). Good luck. I enjoyed a great story and an example of healthy, loving parenting.
Doc,
I gotta tell you as a woman and a mother I agree with most of the posters here on some level. She's growing into a young woman and everything that comes with it. Tp be perfectly honest I've always been thankful that my parents allowed me to "test the waters" as it were before being thrown into the "real" dating world. I would rather see her "practicing" while you and your wife are HOME and present than try to stop her and wait for her to start "practicing" in an environment where she will have no back up if a problem occurs.
Navigating the beginnings of male/female interactions is dangerous territory at any age. I applaud your wife for her "assistance" with the situation. She's spot on. Better to NOT overreact now but I do agree that a talk between your lovely "growing up girl" and Mom might be in good order.
That said the first poster had it right. Many children are outrageous flirts from birth. I know my own son is VERY guilty of this at the tender age of 5. Most parents just don't watch closely enough to catch it or are watching the "cute baby antics" rather than looking at what they're really doing. Pics of me at 3 show batting long eyelashes at my father and I certainly didn't turn out all that awful. :)
You're doing a great job as a parent. Just make sure this article is duly buried at this site before she's old enough to find it and be embarrassed.....:) lol
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