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Hard to Get
Does Playing Hard to Get Work?
by Jay Dixit, Psychology Today Senior Editor and contributor for Brainstorm.
We've all had the experience. You meet someone and there's a connection. Maybe you go on a date or two. But then you call them and... they don't call you back. You wait, and you wonder. What did you do wrong? Did she meet someone else? Then, when she finally does call, you're so relieved you want to never let her go.
There's little doubt playing hard to get can increase romantic desire. "When you don't seem quite so available, it makes you seem mysterious, feeds the other person's imagination, makes them doubt whether they have you," says Robert Greene, whose The Art of Seduction is the ultimate playbook for the hard-to-get game. "Anything you do that makes the other person's imagination take flight furthers the seduction process."
If you're excited about someone, uncertainty about how they feel toward you can actually heighten your attraction to that person, explains Paul Eastwick, a psychologist at Northwestern. You have a drive to reduce the uncertainty, which causes you to obsess - which in turn deepens your feelings.
We all want what we can't have - and we value more what we work harder to get. When someone plays hard to get, it forces us to invest more, and the more effort we put in, the more we assume it must have been worth it.
Playing hard to get works because it increases a person's perceived value. "It's simple sexual economics," explains Peter Jonason, a researcher at New Mexico State University who studies the phenomenon. "You give the impression of lower availability, and thus increase demand." We're programmed to be attracted to the best mates possible, and as with other types of negotiations - such as a job offer - cues that you have other options signal your desirability.
"Those who are high in mate value are indeed hard to get for most, since they are highly sought and in great demand," explains David Buss, an evolutionary psychologist at the University of Texas and author of The Evolution of Desire. "Being overly eager is a clear signal that you are lower in mate value."
But playing hard to get is a dangerous game. We like people who like us back, and if you seem too unattainable, you risk causing the other person to lose hope and give up altogether. But stretching out that period of anxious anticipation can be a powerful weapon of courtship. Use with caution.
Read more by Jay Dixit on Psychology Today’s Brainstorm blog.
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We've all had the experience. You meet someone and there's a connection. Maybe you go on a date or two. But then you call them and... they don't call you back. You wait, and you wonder. What did you do wrong? Did she meet someone else? Then, when she finally does call, you're so relieved you want to never let her go.
There's little doubt playing hard to get can increase romantic desire. "When you don't seem quite so available, it makes you seem mysterious, feeds the other person's imagination, makes them doubt whether they have you," says Robert Greene, whose The Art of Seduction is the ultimate playbook for the hard-to-get game. "Anything you do that makes the other person's imagination take flight furthers the seduction process."
If you're excited about someone, uncertainty about how they feel toward you can actually heighten your attraction to that person, explains Paul Eastwick, a psychologist at Northwestern. You have a drive to reduce the uncertainty, which causes you to obsess - which in turn deepens your feelings.
We all want what we can't have - and we value more what we work harder to get. When someone plays hard to get, it forces us to invest more, and the more effort we put in, the more we assume it must have been worth it.
Playing hard to get works because it increases a person's perceived value. "It's simple sexual economics," explains Peter Jonason, a researcher at New Mexico State University who studies the phenomenon. "You give the impression of lower availability, and thus increase demand." We're programmed to be attracted to the best mates possible, and as with other types of negotiations - such as a job offer - cues that you have other options signal your desirability.
"Those who are high in mate value are indeed hard to get for most, since they are highly sought and in great demand," explains David Buss, an evolutionary psychologist at the University of Texas and author of The Evolution of Desire. "Being overly eager is a clear signal that you are lower in mate value."
But playing hard to get is a dangerous game. We like people who like us back, and if you seem too unattainable, you risk causing the other person to lose hope and give up altogether. But stretching out that period of anxious anticipation can be a powerful weapon of courtship. Use with caution.
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Read more by Jay Dixit on Psychology Today’s Brainstorm blog.
Related Topics:
Labels: modern love, seduction
5 Comments:
I don't agree.
Once that value has been built up in a person's mind, what happens when the true value is revealed? UGH ... Dump and run.
And what happens when this turns into a total challenge effort and the challenge is conquered? UGH ... Dump and run.
People need to play less games and be more real from the start. Relationships are hard enough without beginning them with fake interactions.
Be true and be yourself because you are going to have to be yourself at some point. Might as well get it over with from the start!
Playing game in relationship is cheating,if you are true in love no need of playing game.
Man playing game when he want to cheat that person, want to increase his importantance.
All con man are expert in playing game,because they want to cheat their devotees.
It may be possible author qouted some psychlogists,that may American way of to teach how cheat insocant people
I don’t agree with this article either. I think that playing hard to get is immature. I have had girls do that to me and I moved on. If I call you 2x and you don’t answer and you call me back weeks later, then we have nothing to talk about.
I feel that women shouldn't PLAY hard to get, but rather BE hard to get!!! Its a real turn on when that guy you locked your eye on WANTS YOU! If you give it too soon, theres no time for him to WANT, he just GETS.... And for a woman when the sexual encounter finally does happen with someone you want and you know he wants you.... WELL thats when the shaky-leg, hold your breath, try not to scream, and squirty orgasms after taking it hard with no complaint comes from... but in my experience it only works ONCE... the next sex session is exactly what it sounds like... A SESSION via APPOINTMENT!
I am a female that is living with a man that has alow sexual drve (he would rather be golfing). I want sex and approach 99% of the time. This gives him an advantage as I overlook his nastiness & rejection in order to get sex...what the heck is wrong with me???
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