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How to Berate Your Mate
Changing two me's into a we.
by Jay Dixit, Psychology Today Senior Editor and contributor for Brainstorm.
If your partner is doing something that's bothering you, there's a right way and a wrong way to bring it up. The right way to do it is gently, in such a way that the other person can't possibly doubt your love - what relationship psychologist John Gottman calls "softened startup."
The wrong way is to make your partner feel criticized. Gottman has found that 96 percent of time, the way the conflict begins is the way it continues-which is why conversations that start with criticism end in anger and bitterness.
Forget old resentments, let go of the need to win, and don't assign blame. Gottman calls this method "no fault discussion." Rather than dredging up old arguments, figuring out whose fault it was, and bringing up past grievances, you start fresh.
Complain, don't blame; start the sentence with "I" instead of "you" to make it clear you're not criticizing the other person, but rather, bringing up a problem with the relationship you can solve together; describe what's happening without evaluating or judging; talk clearly about what you need; be polite; and give your appreciation.
Finally, maintain your emotional connection with your partner even when discussing irritants. Be present and listen to each other with empathy and emotional openness, and using the tools at your disposal-eye contact, voice, and touch-to maintain a loving connection during the conversation. Being present with your partner is more important than the topic of discussion.
"Basically we have to become more loving," says John Buri, a psychologist at the University of St. Thomas. "The heart of it comes down to moving from two me's to a we. If we can take on an identity of we, it changes everything."
Read more by Jay Dixit on Psychology Today’s Brainstorm blog.
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If your partner is doing something that's bothering you, there's a right way and a wrong way to bring it up. The right way to do it is gently, in such a way that the other person can't possibly doubt your love - what relationship psychologist John Gottman calls "softened startup."
The wrong way is to make your partner feel criticized. Gottman has found that 96 percent of time, the way the conflict begins is the way it continues-which is why conversations that start with criticism end in anger and bitterness.
Forget old resentments, let go of the need to win, and don't assign blame. Gottman calls this method "no fault discussion." Rather than dredging up old arguments, figuring out whose fault it was, and bringing up past grievances, you start fresh.
Complain, don't blame; start the sentence with "I" instead of "you" to make it clear you're not criticizing the other person, but rather, bringing up a problem with the relationship you can solve together; describe what's happening without evaluating or judging; talk clearly about what you need; be polite; and give your appreciation.
Finally, maintain your emotional connection with your partner even when discussing irritants. Be present and listen to each other with empathy and emotional openness, and using the tools at your disposal-eye contact, voice, and touch-to maintain a loving connection during the conversation. Being present with your partner is more important than the topic of discussion.
"Basically we have to become more loving," says John Buri, a psychologist at the University of St. Thomas. "The heart of it comes down to moving from two me's to a we. If we can take on an identity of we, it changes everything."
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Read more by Jay Dixit on Psychology Today’s Brainstorm blog.
Related Topics:
- Modern Love
- De-stressing Relationships in a Fast-Paced World
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Labels: modern love, relationships
2 Comments:
how do I tell my friend that I love him and that I want us ti be more. He has someone in his life and they stay together but he is sleeping with me. It is going on for three months now and we both are feeling each other. How do I tell him I want more without running him away?
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