Repair Your Relationship Rules

How to end a fight: relationship psychologist John Gottman's rules to patching things up.

by Jay Dixit, Psychology Today Senior Editor and contributor for Brainstorm.

1. Cool off. Don't talk about the relationship if either of you is angry. People have an emotional refractory period during which it's hard for them to think clearly. Take a break for at least half an hour and settle down-while thinking about something else. Start again when you're both calm.


2. De-escalate. Show affection, ask interested questions, and use self-deprecating humor to make your words sound less harsh, critical, or confrontational. If your partner says, "You worry too much about money," you might respond with, "I know I can be pretty tight with my money-it's part of my Scottish heritage. But I really do need to talk to you about the budget."


3. Find out your partner's feelings. A direct question like "What are you feeling?" is fine.


4. Validate your partner's feelings. Respond in an understanding, compassionate way, and apologize if possible. Show that you understand why he feels the way he does. If your partner says, "I'm hurt because you didn't ask me about my day, and it makes me feel like you're not interested in me," you might respond with, "I'm really sorry, I've been preoccupied with my own day. I can see why you're feeling neglected."


5. Discover your partner's needs. Ask questions like, "What do you need here?"


6. Talk about your needs. Share how you're feeling-it can't be a one-way street. You might say, "You're right, I've been working hard, and that's an issue. I've been trying to make sure we have enough money for that vacation we've been planning." Tell your partner what you need, too.


7. Work toward a solution. If your partner says, "We're not going on dates like we usually do because you're working so hard," you might respond with, "OK, let's do that. When can we go on a date?"


8. Follow up. People don't always say everything they want to say the first time around, so take another pass. Ask, "What else are you feeling? How do you feel about this issue now? Have we covered everything? What else do you need?" Often, the initial argument covers only the leading edge feeling. If you don't go back and ask if there's anything else, you'll wind up revisiting the issue in another fight down the line.

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Read more by Jay Dixit on Psychology Today’s Brainstorm blog.

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• Modern Love
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