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Happy Together
Can two wild, impulsive, spontaneous lovers find happiness together?
by Roy F. Baumeister, Eppes Eminent Professor of Psychology and head of the social psychology graduate program at Florida State University, and author of The Cultural Animal and Psychology Today's Cultural Animal blog.
What mix of partners makes for the best relationships? For decades, research has pitted two theories against each other. The similarity theory, which is the usual winner, holds that the smaller the differences between two people's personalities, the better match they make. In contrast, the theory of complementarity says that opposites attract; therefore the bigger the difference, the better.
What about self-control? In recent years, evidence has pointed toward many benefits of self-control. This raises a challenge for the similarity theory. Can a good relationship form between two people who are similar precisely because both lack self-control? Or would complementarity make a better pair, such that one partner is disciplined, organized, and reliable, while the other brings spontaneity and a carefree attitude to the romance?
Several recent studies by Kathleen Vohs, Catrin Finkenauer, and myself have begun to sort out the answer. We assembled dating couples, married couples, and even pairs of same-sex friends, measured their self-control levels, and looked at how the combination of self-control scores predicted their satisfaction with the relationship.
The difference between partners' scores predicted nothing. Neither similarity nor oppositeness produced a good relationship. These results contradicted both theories.
Rather, it was the total of the two scores that predicted success. The more self-control both partners had, the better they got along. This was true for friends, dating couples, and long-term spouses.
We did find that in romantic relationships (though not the same-sex friends), partners tended to be more different than similar. Thus, in terms of self-control, opposites do seem to attract - but oppositeness does not make for a better relationship.
Thus, to return to the question of whether two people with low self-control can find happiness together, the answer is that the odds are not good. They might have a very exciting and fun-filled fling for a short time. However, their prospects for a satisfying long-term stable relationship are poor. Over the long run, two people with good self-control share the best chance of a happy love relationship.
Read more by Roy F. Baumeister on Psychology Today’s Cultural Animal blog.
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What mix of partners makes for the best relationships? For decades, research has pitted two theories against each other. The similarity theory, which is the usual winner, holds that the smaller the differences between two people's personalities, the better match they make. In contrast, the theory of complementarity says that opposites attract; therefore the bigger the difference, the better.
What about self-control? In recent years, evidence has pointed toward many benefits of self-control. This raises a challenge for the similarity theory. Can a good relationship form between two people who are similar precisely because both lack self-control? Or would complementarity make a better pair, such that one partner is disciplined, organized, and reliable, while the other brings spontaneity and a carefree attitude to the romance?
Several recent studies by Kathleen Vohs, Catrin Finkenauer, and myself have begun to sort out the answer. We assembled dating couples, married couples, and even pairs of same-sex friends, measured their self-control levels, and looked at how the combination of self-control scores predicted their satisfaction with the relationship.
The difference between partners' scores predicted nothing. Neither similarity nor oppositeness produced a good relationship. These results contradicted both theories.
Rather, it was the total of the two scores that predicted success. The more self-control both partners had, the better they got along. This was true for friends, dating couples, and long-term spouses.
We did find that in romantic relationships (though not the same-sex friends), partners tended to be more different than similar. Thus, in terms of self-control, opposites do seem to attract - but oppositeness does not make for a better relationship.
Thus, to return to the question of whether two people with low self-control can find happiness together, the answer is that the odds are not good. They might have a very exciting and fun-filled fling for a short time. However, their prospects for a satisfying long-term stable relationship are poor. Over the long run, two people with good self-control share the best chance of a happy love relationship.
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Read more by Roy F. Baumeister on Psychology Today’s Cultural Animal blog.
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Labels: marriage, modern love, relationships
9 Comments:
It seems to be, either way your doomed! I guess it depends on how much your willing to take from your partner and how willing you are to work things out. Hard to believe people who have common interest are still at risk for relationship issues. Do you ever find a middle ground for the best results in relationships and longevity? Hmmmm?
I also feel that if a couple has more self control they last longer because of the decrese in risk of disease etc., opposed to those couples who cannot control themselves and end up with regrets. I am currently doing a Final project for my Human Anatomy class and I chose the topic of HPV and have learned a lot recently about how easy it is to get it, if more people knew about how simple it is, they would not choose their partner so lightly. If you have a relationship and learn to value it before you get to sexual intercourse, chances are, of course the turn out will be better than the relationship when sex is the only factor. Then what will happen? The two partners split up and have regrets. More people should learn how to be "Happy Together" rather than focusing on sex, which never turns out fore the best in the end.
The relationship I currently have follows more of the similarity theory. Me and my girl get along great, and we think very much the same...however, I only feel a moderate attraction for her.
Meanwhile, I have an ex-girlfriend who dumped me 5 years ago, and who comes into my life from time to time, and I fantasize about her all the time. She had a COMPLETELY different personality than me. More along the lines of the complimentary theory.
However, I'd have to agree that the similarity theory is better at holding relationships together.
Thank you for this blog. I trained as an Imago Relationship Therapist, an approach well-known for the "opposites attract" theory that it hinges on. It basically helps couples look at their differences as something special trying to happen so that they get on board and take responsibility for their reactions rather than become negative and blame each other. Interestingly, I have often thought that the couples that this approach connects to are the ones that have a decent amount of self control already and just need a positive narrative to put on their problems to keep them invested. For the couples that Imago doesn't work well with? Well...I teach them emotional regulation and that seems to hit the nail on the head most of the time.
I invite you to get in on some relationship discussions I also have going at http://www.keithmillercounseling.com/component/option,com_agora/Itemid,70/
hi,all information is very good and useful for living better.
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I have a question, what about couples that have different social circles, like i like the artsy crowd and my gf likes the rnb clubs. I feel like we compromise and are at times wondering if either of us would be more suited for someone in our own circle. However i did discuss the matter with her, as we are a well "self-controlled" couple and we openly speak about matters, and she vowed that she just likes different music. But when we go out to her kind of places, maybe its just me being paranoid, but i see her fascination and how she enjoys the attention from that kinda crowd.
Thank for your kind words of wisdom, i would really appreciate some advice as this is the ONLY thing that creates anxiety in our relationship. cause she too in my circle gets the same paranoia.
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