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What Should I Say?
How to communicate in a relationship.
by Steven Stosny, PhD, author of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It and Psychology Today's Anger in the Age of Entitlement blog.
Most people fret about what to say when a partner says or does something. "What should I say?" is the question I hear most. My pat response: "Don't worry about what to say; focus on the emotional state you are in and the emotional state of your partner when you say it."
Emotional disconnection is the biggest single factor in divorce. Most divorcees say they just "grew apart," largely because they "couldn't communicate." This is sad because the problem was not about communication, it is about disconnection.
The chronic stress of disconnection in marriage stems from a slight difference in the way the sexes experience fear and shame. This subtle difference is inherent in the dilemma, "Do we talk about the relationship or not?" The real reason women usually want to talk about it is disconnection makes them feel anxious and isolated.
The real reason men typically don't want to talk about it is that her dissatisfaction with him makes him feel like a failure. His shame is too great to allow him to understand her anxiety, and her anxiety keeps her from seeing his shame. When they try to alleviate their feelings of vulnerability in opposite ways - by talking and not talking - all they end up sharing are disappointment and heartache.
Instead of starting discussions with complaints, approach your partner differently:
If you can do the above, almost anything you say will be successful and will eventually lead to a compassionate and loving connection that goes beyond words.
Read more postings by Steven Stosny on Psychology Today's Anger in the Age of Entitlement blog.
Related Topics:
Most people fret about what to say when a partner says or does something. "What should I say?" is the question I hear most. My pat response: "Don't worry about what to say; focus on the emotional state you are in and the emotional state of your partner when you say it."
Emotional disconnection is the biggest single factor in divorce. Most divorcees say they just "grew apart," largely because they "couldn't communicate." This is sad because the problem was not about communication, it is about disconnection.
The chronic stress of disconnection in marriage stems from a slight difference in the way the sexes experience fear and shame. This subtle difference is inherent in the dilemma, "Do we talk about the relationship or not?" The real reason women usually want to talk about it is disconnection makes them feel anxious and isolated.
The real reason men typically don't want to talk about it is that her dissatisfaction with him makes him feel like a failure. His shame is too great to allow him to understand her anxiety, and her anxiety keeps her from seeing his shame. When they try to alleviate their feelings of vulnerability in opposite ways - by talking and not talking - all they end up sharing are disappointment and heartache.
Instead of starting discussions with complaints, approach your partner differently:
- A desire for connection (this is actually the goal of wanting to "talk about it").
- Curiosity about her perspective.
- Mindfulness that he is someone you love and value.
- Appreciation of the assets she brings to your relationship.
- The belief that he is a reasonable person: If you convey value and respect and give enough information, he will at least acknowledge the importance of what you say, even if he disagrees.
If you can do the above, almost anything you say will be successful and will eventually lead to a compassionate and loving connection that goes beyond words.
*****
Read more postings by Steven Stosny on Psychology Today's Anger in the Age of Entitlement blog.
Related Topics:
Labels: communication, divorce, marriage, modern love, relationships
1 Comments:
Wow this article open my eyes. Thank you so much about the information about emotional connection.
I've never think about this aspect before. So next time before I say something I have to observe the emotion on both sides. This can really help to speak the right thing. Thanks...
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