Modern Love: Sex & Relationships

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2010-03-01T12:13:00.001-05:00

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Happy Together

2009-03-11T06:30:00.007-04:00

Can two wild, impulsive, spontaneous lovers find happiness together?

by Roy F. Baumeister, Eppes Eminent Professor of Psychology and head of the social psychology graduate program at Florida State University, and author of The Cultural Animal and Psychology Today's Cultural Animal blog.

What mix of partners makes for the best relationships? For decades, research has pitted two theories against each other. The similarity theory, which is the usual winner, holds that the smaller the differences between two people's personalities, the better match they make. In contrast, the theory of complementarity says that opposites attract; therefore the bigger the difference, the better.

What about self-control? In recent years, evidence has pointed toward many benefits of self-control. This raises a challenge for the similarity theory. Can a good relationship form between two people who are similar precisely because both lack self-control? Or would complementarity make a better pair, such that one partner is disciplined, organized, and reliable, while the other brings spontaneity and a carefree attitude to the romance?

Several recent studies by Kathleen Vohs, Catrin Finkenauer, and myself have begun to sort out the answer. We assembled dating couples, married couples, and even pairs of same-sex friends, measured their self-control levels, and looked at how the combination of self-control scores predicted their satisfaction with the relationship.

The difference between partners' scores predicted nothing. Neither similarity nor oppositeness produced a good relationship. These results contradicted both theories.

Rather, it was the total of the two scores that predicted success. The more self-control both partners had, the better they got along. This was true for friends, dating couples, and long-term spouses.

We did find that in romantic relationships (though not the same-sex friends), partners tended to be more different than similar. Thus, in terms of self-control, opposites do seem to attract - but oppositeness does not make for a better relationship.

Thus, to return to the question of whether two people with low self-control can find happiness together, the answer is that the odds are not good. They might have a very exciting and fun-filled fling for a short time. However, their prospects for a satisfying long-term stable relationship are poor. Over the long run, two people with good self-control share the best chance of a happy love relationship.

*****

Read more by Roy F. Baumeister on Psychology Today’s Cultural Animal blog.

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Second-Hand Procrastination

2009-03-10T10:18:00.005-04:00

How your task-delay affects those around you.

by Timothy A. Pychyl, PhD, Professor of Psychology, Carleton University, Ottawa, Canada, and author of Psychology Today's Don't Delay blog.

With the fatigue of all-nighters, the stress of those last-minute efforts and perhaps the inferior result of not enough time spent on task, it might appear that procrastination only harms the procrastinator. The truth is, when the procrastinator finishes his binge of work, social devastation lays all about.

In the name of "working better under pressure," too often social engagements are canceled, promises are broken, and favors called in to have others problem solve last-minute catastrophes (a jammed printer becomes a national emergency). Anyone within the vicinity suffers the intense pressure of the looming deadline. Procrastination harms relationships at home and at work.

Procrastination, the mundane yet quintessential self-regulation problem, undermines relationships. Just as the failure of self-regulation related to substance abuse, excessive shopping, gambling or over-eating does, procrastination has social consequences.

The irony is that procrastinators may feel smug relief on making the deadline once again at the eleventh hour, while those close to them are frustrated and fed up. Second-hand procrastination - the stressful effects of living or working with a procrastinator can strain relationships to their breaking point.

*****

Read more by Timothy A. Pychyl, PhD on Psychology Today’s Don't Delay blog.

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The Love Choice

2009-03-09T07:00:00.005-04:00

Having too many choices can be a bad thing.

by Barry Schwartz, Dorwin Cartwright Professor of Social Theory and Social Action at Swarthmore College, and author of The Paradox of Choice and Psychology Today's The Choices Worth Having blog.

It seems obvious that the more choice people have, the better off they are. Whether it's about salad dressings, places to live, things to order on a menu, or romantic partners, the more options there are, the more likely you are to find just what you want.

Obvious, but empirically false.

There is now ample evidence that although some choice is good, there can be too much of a good thing. And when people have too many options, they are paralyzed into indecision. If they overcome paralysis and choose, they make bad decisions. And if they manage to make good decisions, they are dissatisfied, convinced that another option would have been better. These phenomena have been observed in choices of consumer products like jams and chocolates, choices of mutual funds for retirement, and choices of potential partners in speed dating settings. And the problems are exacerbated in people who are out to find the "best" (we call them "maximizers") rather than just "good enough" (we call them "satisficers"). While there are probably not too many people in frantic pursuit of the "best" salad dressing, it's a whole other story when it comes to romantic partners.

So, counterintuitive as it may seem, the evidence suggests that people are more likely to form romantic attachments, and be satisfied with them, if the set of possibilities is limited. "Limit your options" is not easy advice to follow in modern America, especially when it comes to romance. But it may be worth your while to try.

*****

Read more by Barry Scwartz on Psychology Today’s The Choices Worth Having blog.

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Other People Matter

2009-03-06T07:00:00.007-05:00

Loving relationships make life worth living.

by Christopher Peterson, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of Michigan, and author of A Primer in Positive Psychology and Psychology Today's The Good Life blog.

Positive psychology is the scientific study of what makes life most worth living. The topics of concern to this new field range from the biochemical bases of joy to the well-being of nations. However, a three-word summary suffices: Other people matter. There is not a finding or theory in positive psychology that does not underscore the importance of other people for our happiness and health.

The best way to savor pleasure is in the company of others. The most important determinants of a satisfied life are social. Indeed, good relationships with others may be a necessary condition for a happy life. Money can buy happiness - if we spend it on others. Achievement results not just from genius and perseverance but also from teaching and nurture. Character is learned from our parents and teachers. A good friend at work matters more than salary or status. People with close relationships are healthier than those without, despite - we assume - greater exposure to germs.

The Beatles told us that all we need is love. Positive psychology explains why. The good life follows in the wake of loving relationships with friends, neighbors, colleagues, family members, and spouses.

Other people matter. And we are all other people to someone else.

*****

Read more by Christopher Peterson, PhD on Psychology Today’s The Good Life blog.

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Love Acts

2009-03-05T08:00:00.009-05:00

How to cultivate love in your life.

by Steven C. Hayes, Nevada Foundation Professor at the Department of Psychology at the University of Nevada Reno, and author of Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life and Psychology Today's Get Out of Your Mind blog.

You can look at a flower in three different ways.

Photo: Flemming Christiansen

You can look at it the way a judge at the county fair might, comparing it to an ideal to see if it measures up. It rarely will. This petal is wilted. That leaf is brown.

You can look at it the way an artist might, taking it in with attentive appreciation. There is a beautiful totality to a flower. Its wholeness speaks in a resonant mix of tones, including even the wilted petal, and browning leaf.

Or you can look at it the way that a gardener might, noting what it needs to prosper, and taking careful steps to support its growth.

If you want to cultivate love in your life, foster the gaze of the artist and the active care of the gardener. And begin with the person in the mirror.

Science teaches us that love is an action, not just a feeling. When we accept people for who they are, we are doing something loving. When we see through our normal habits of judgment and criticism, and attend to others as whole human beings we are doing something loving. When we step forward and serve the deep purposes of others we are loving, one moment at a time.

If you think of times you felt truly loved, see if it isn't the case that those times had such qualities. You were accepted, noticed, and actively treated as worthy by another.

But if that is the essence of a loving stance, it needs to begin at home. When we allow our deepest feelings, thoughts, and memories to be subjected to the critical skills of the judge within, we begin to believe that we are neither capable nor worthy of love.

It does no good to try to fix what we see, pulling off a petal here, and spray painting a leaf there. We know what is underneath, and if we fool others by such methods, we will simply devalue the love of the fools we have created. That is why the love of others rarely batters its way in. We have to invite it in, by doing love as an action - with others, for others, but first and foremost, with yourself.

*****

Read more by Steven C. Hayes on Psychology Today’s Get Out of Your Mind blog.

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"Obamalot"

2009-03-04T10:12:00.009-05:00

A cool, new brand of marriage that may just inspire young men.

by Paul Dobransky MD, clinical psychiatrist, and author of The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love, The Power of Female Friendship and Psychology Today's The Urban Scientist blog.

The Obamas are without a doubt, exemplars of "coolness." This isn't a scientifically definable term. But as the torch of leadership gets passed from generation to generation, the youthful term coolness is no less real as an assessment of one's character, social value, and behavior to be emulated by the masses.

After September 11, it was well noted that a resurgence of committed relationships came into favor with even the least likely stragglers to walk down the aisle - young males. Cut back to the present. Recently, a New York blogger bemoans the ongoing trend toward being "caught between responsibility and a perpetual adolescence. Now one wonders what happened to the young single man's interest in commitment.

Enter the Obamas: The new Camelot. They are the cool, hip, rad, in vogue, royal couple. The husband represents not just a celebrity rock star, nor the serious role of a world leader, but both. He is the Rock Star President - the likes of which we've never seen before. With unhappiness in committed relationships, the divorce rate, and the high number of abandoning fathers out there, one has to ask what Obamalot will do to glamorize marriage, as well as what kind of positive effect the new president may have on young males who would rather avoid commitment.

How will this happen?

By dividing a man's behavior into:

Masculinity
Character

It is clear. Often, today's young men seek role models who exude masculine identity, regardless of the questionable character in their dalliances with women, their ethics in generating an income, and their raison d'etre sometimes amounting to nothing more than money as an end unto itself.

The masculine drives for ambition and power we see in male celebrities - the coolness that appeals to young men - is something Barack Obama displays in spades. Yet while he has that appeal for the young, Obama also has the high character and maturity required to lead the free world. And if anything, maturity is needed in a lasting relationship - as well as patience, wisdom, equanimity, and empathy.

It is these two forces - masculinity and character - that equip a man to have both the coolness that feeds healthy pride, as well as the maturity to commit to lasting love in the arms of another.

*****

Read more by Paul Dobransky MD on Psychology Today’s The Urban Scientist blog.

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What Should I Say?

2009-03-03T15:34:00.002-05:00

How to communicate in a relationship.

by Steven Stosny, PhD, author of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It and Psychology Today's Anger in the Age of Entitlement blog.

Most people fret about what to say when a partner says or does something. "What should I say?" is the question I hear most. My pat response: "Don't worry about what to say; focus on the emotional state you are in and the emotional state of your partner when you say it."

Emotional disconnection is the biggest single factor in divorce. Most divorcees say they just "grew apart," largely because they "couldn't communicate." This is sad because the problem was not about communication, it is about disconnection.

The chronic stress of disconnection in marriage stems from a slight difference in the way the sexes experience fear and shame. This subtle difference is inherent in the dilemma, "Do we talk about the relationship or not?" The real reason women usually want to talk about it is disconnection makes them feel anxious and isolated.

The real reason men typically don't want to talk about it is that her dissatisfaction with him makes him feel like a failure. His shame is too great to allow him to understand her anxiety, and her anxiety keeps her from seeing his shame. When they try to alleviate their feelings of vulnerability in opposite ways - by talking and not talking - all they end up sharing are disappointment and heartache.

Instead of starting discussions with complaints, approach your partner differently:

A desire for connection (this is actually the goal of wanting to "talk about it").

Curiosity about her perspective.

Mindfulness that he is someone you love and value.

Appreciation of the assets she brings to your relationship.

The belief that he is a reasonable person: If you convey value and respect and give enough information, he will at least acknowledge the importance of what you say, even if he disagrees.

If you can do the above, almost anything you say will be successful and will eventually lead to a compassionate and loving connection that goes beyond words.

*****

Read more postings by Steven Stosny on Psychology Today's Anger in the Age of Entitlement blog.

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In Times of Sickness

2009-03-02T13:42:00.006-05:00

What does not destroy you binds you for life.

by Pamela Weintraub, senior editor at Discover Magazine, author of Cure Unknown: Inside The Lyme Epidemic, and author of the Psychology Today's Emerging Diseases blog.

When my family moved from New York City to the Westchester suburbs in 1993, what started as a dream of paradise ended in nightmare: The beautiful deer traipsing across our property in Chappaqua carried thousands of ticks, and the ticks carried Lyme disease. Five years later we were all sick in the heart of an epidemic, and there was no diagnosis in sight. Especially sick was our eldest son - once a straight A student and traveling basketball player.

We went from doctor to doctor looking for answers, commenced treatment for our son's late stage Lyme, spent our life savings to pay medical bills, and even lost our house. It's no surprise that my relationship with my husband was mightily strained. With other people my husband and I might discuss a movie or politics or some light-hearted foible on the job - but for each other we had only troubles. There were bills, doctors, disturbing calls from the school, a pain-stricken child who might never recover.

Could any relationship survive these travails?

Fast forward to 2009: Our family of four has left the suburb to a better place, the brownstone expanse of Brooklyn. In Brooklyn we have espresso bars on the corner and movie houses down the street, and even the local park is concrete. In Brooklyn, the sidewalks are endless and the ticks, very few. So many years later our son has recovered - in fact, graduated from Brown University - and our family has stayed intact.

The reason? Despite all the stress, my husband and I were the only people who cared enough to dig out of this desperate situation, to stay and fight. We plundered our resources and fought until our sick child recovered. We might have wanted to flee each other, but when water is flooding your ship, you don't toss the only set of hands helping you pump it out.

Years after the fact I can say without a doubt: What does not destroy you makes you stronger. It's true that the illness of a child can push you apart - but it can also bring you together. After all, who else but the other parent of your child is going to walk with you to the ends of the Earth, relinquish everything and never stop trying until life has been set right.

*****

Read more by Pamela Weintraub on Psychology Today’s Emerging Diseases blog.

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Are You Hot or Not?

2009-02-27T06:48:00.003-05:00

I am awesome for unspecified reasons.

by Matthew Hutson, Psychology Today News Editor and contributor for Brainstorm.

A few years ago, when I was a HOTorNOT profile moderator, I painfully read over 1,000 profiles. I could have written a sociology dissertation on it. One of my peeves: Why would anyone present herself with such sentiments as "I really like hanging out," or "I'm into pretty much anything." Best of all, "I like to have fun."

Really? Me too. We're a perfect match.

One guy actually listed "Anywhere in the world" among the things he finds "hot."

Anywhere - I love "there".

According to a paper in Computers and Human Behavior, these milquetoast daters should not expect success. In one study, the researchers compared the effects of emotionality in introductory emails.

So while JimJ789 exclaimed "Travel excites me since it allows me to see places and people that I read about," FrankXYZ summoned only "I also like to travel. After I go on a vacation I feel very content that I have done something I like." Unsurprisingly, Jim was seen as more confident, happy, enthusiastic, cheerful, energetic, excited, interesting, proud, determined, strong, bold, and daring, while Frank was seen as more calm, relaxed, at ease, shy, and nervous. I assume most people would choose the more "interesting" man.

The researchers also looked at self-disclosure. Sample emails included lines like "I would tell [my ex-wife] that I was lonely and she would change the topic." The imaginary man who shared the most was seen as open, and the most discreet man was considered strongest.

Psychology Today has covered another study that bears on the issue of TMI: The less you share initially while dating online, the more easily others can fill in the blanks with high expectations, which may score you that face-to-face meet-up. So maybe saying that you're "into pretty much anything" is hot after all.

*****

Read more by Matthew Hutson on Psychology Today’s Brainstorm blog.

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The Love Addict

2009-02-26T07:23:00.002-05:00

Love is the hardest addiction to quit.

by Stanton Peele, PhD, author of 7 Tools to Beat Addiction, and Psychology Today's Addiction in Society blog.

We often warn people about addictions, those destructive habits that are hard to quit. In recent years, the term addiction has been applied beyond drugs and alcohol, and even cigarettes, to behaviors ranging from shopping to sex. I have also written about love relationships that can be addictive.

Obviously, I don't mean all love is addictive - starting with parent-child love and strong marriages. But, as a psychologist and addiction expert, I often encounter destructive intimate relationships. When you speak to a woman who has been abused in a relationship, but refuses to leave, the abused person explains, "I stay because I love him."

On the other hand, when people leave a marriage or love affair, they often describe the most intense withdrawal, often extending over years. I recently wrote a blog post titled, "The Seven Hardest Addictions to Quit - Love Is the Worst." One woman responded: "My divorce has left me completely blindsided and affected every aspect of my life. It is something that I have struggled for years to get over and to this day cannot seem to move forward."

I have heard many similar horrible experiences. As with other addictions, I don't blame the object of the addiction entirely - I feel people who form such destructive attachments lack something in their core selves that creates the need for the addiction.

Of course, our society romanticizes all sorts of love connections. We need to inform our children - and even many adults - that just because you are strongly attracted to someone does not mean the relationship is a good one.

*****

Read more by Stanton Peele, PhD on Psychology Today’s Addiction in Society blog.

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The Testosterone President?

2009-02-25T15:29:00.004-05:00

The secret to Barack Obama's success.

by Abraham Morgentaler, MD, author of Testosterone For Life and The Viagra Myth: The Surprising Impact on Love and Relationships, and Psychology Today’s Men, Sex and Testosterone blog.

President Barack Obama has been widely lauded for his coolness under pressure. As one of the youngest U.S. Presidents, one has to wonder: Could generous testosterone levels contribute to his calm demeanor?

Ridiculous? After all, we associate testosterone with the darker side of male behavior - violence and aggression. Surprisingly, raising testosterone does not cause aggressive behavior in men. On the contrary, low testosterone causes unpredictable behavior in animals and irritability in men. Testosterone actually appears to act as a mood stabilizer.

William, 48, came to my office with his wife. "He's become a grumpy old man," she said. "Little things set him off. He's not the same man I married." William just shrugged. Tests revealed low testosterone. Three months after beginning testosterone therapy, William reported, "My wife likes me again. I notice I'm more upbeat, and better able to deal with problems and frustrations."

New research reveals important health benefits from having normal levels of testosterone, not only for mood, but also for bone density, muscle mass, sexual function, and sense of well-being. Having a youthful testosterone level may not help us live forever, but with our current President, it might just keep us out of a war or two.

*****

Read more by Abraham Morgentaler, MD on Psychology Today’s Men, Sex and Testosterone blog.

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Repair Your Relationship Rules

2009-02-23T11:00:00.001-05:00

How to end a fight: relationship psychologist John Gottman's rules to patching things up.

by Jay Dixit, Psychology Today Senior Editor and contributor for Brainstorm.

Cool off. Don't talk about the relationship if either of you is angry. People have an emotional refractory period during which it's hard for them to think clearly. Take a break for at least half an hour and settle down-while thinking about something else. Start again when you're both calm.

De-escalate. Show affection, ask interested questions, and use self-deprecating humor to make your words sound less harsh, critical, or confrontational. If your partner says, "You worry too much about money," you might respond with, "I know I can be pretty tight with my money-it's part of my Scottish heritage. But I really do need to talk to you about the budget."

Find out your partner's feelings. A direct question like "What are you feeling?" is fine.

Validate your partner's feelings. Respond in an understanding, compassionate way, and apologize if possible. Show that you understand why he feels the way he does. If your partner says, "I'm hurt because you didn't ask me about my day, and it makes me feel like you're not interested in me," you might respond with, "I'm really sorry, I've been preoccupied with my own day. I can see why you're feeling neglected."

Discover your partner's needs. Ask questions like, "What do you need here?"

Talk about your needs. Share how you're feeling-it can't be a one-way street. You might say, "You're right, I've been working hard, and that's an issue. I've been trying to make sure we have enough money for that vacation we've been planning." Tell your partner what you need, too.

Work toward a solution. If your partner says, "We're not going on dates like we usually do because you're working so hard," you might respond with, "OK, let's do that. When can we go on a date?"

Follow up. People don't always say everything they want to say the first time around, so take another pass. Ask, "What else are you feeling? How do you feel about this issue now? Have we covered everything? What else do you need?" Often, the initial argument covers only the leading edge feeling. If you don't go back and ask if there's anything else, you'll wind up revisiting the issue in another fight down the line.

*****

Read more by Jay Dixit on Psychology Today’s Brainstorm blog.

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Yes, Tonight - and Every Night - Honey

2009-02-20T06:00:00.007-05:00

Men do everything they do in order to get laid.

by Satoshi Kanazawa, PhD, evolutionary psychologist at London School of Economics and author of Psychology Today's The Scientific Fundamentalist blog.

From an evolutionary psychological perspective, the ultimate (albeit often unconscious) motive of all human behavior is reproductive success. Among humans (and all other mammals), sex and mating are a female choice; it happens when and with whom women, not men, want it.

The power of female choice becomes apparent in a simple thought experiment. Imagine a society where sex and mating were entirely a male choice; individuals have sex whenever and with whomever men want, not whenever and with whomever women want. What would happen in such a society? Absolutely nothing, because people would never stop having sex! There would be no civilization in such a society, because people would not do anything besides have sex.

In reality, women do often say no to men. This is why men throughout history have had to conquer foreign lands, win battles and wars, compose symphonies, author books, write sonnets, paint portraits and cathedral ceilings, make scientific discoveries, play in rock bands, and write new computer software, in order to impress women so that they will agree to have sex with them. There would be no civilization, no art, no literature, no music, no Beatles, no Microsoft, if sex and mating were a male choice. Men have built (and destroyed) civilizations in order to impress women so that they might say yes. Women are the reason men do everything.

Bill Maher captures the essence of female choice perfectly, when he quips: "For a man to walk in to a bar and have his choice of any woman he wants, he would have to be the ruler of the world. For a woman to have the same power over men, she'd have to do her hair." Any reasonably attractive young woman exercises as much power as the (male) ruler of the world.

Put differently, every woman has the power to predict the future, while very few men do. If a man wakes up in the morning and says to himself, "Tonight I will get laid," the prediction will almost always fail, unless he is incredibly handsome. If a woman - any woman - wakes up in the morning and says to herself, "Tonight I will get laid," the prediction will always come true every time. Such is the power of female choice. This is why men - be they criminals or scientists - must impress women; men do everything they do in order to get laid.

*****

Read more by Satoshi Kanazawa on Psychology Today’s The Scientific Fundamentalist blog.

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Hard to Get

2009-02-17T07:25:00.005-05:00

Does Playing Hard to Get Work?

by Jay Dixit, Psychology Today Senior Editor and contributor for Brainstorm.

We've all had the experience. You meet someone and there's a connection. Maybe you go on a date or two. But then you call them and... they don't call you back. You wait, and you wonder. What did you do wrong? Did she meet someone else? Then, when she finally does call, you're so relieved you want to never let her go.

There's little doubt playing hard to get can increase romantic desire. "When you don't seem quite so available, it makes you seem mysterious, feeds the other person's imagination, makes them doubt whether they have you," says Robert Greene, whose The Art of Seduction is the ultimate playbook for the hard-to-get game. "Anything you do that makes the other person's imagination take flight furthers the seduction process."

If you're excited about someone, uncertainty about how they feel toward you can actually heighten your attraction to that person, explains Paul Eastwick, a psychologist at Northwestern. You have a drive to reduce the uncertainty, which causes you to obsess - which in turn deepens your feelings.

We all want what we can't have - and we value more what we work harder to get. When someone plays hard to get, it forces us to invest more, and the more effort we put in, the more we assume it must have been worth it.

Playing hard to get works because it increases a person's perceived value. "It's simple sexual economics," explains Peter Jonason, a researcher at New Mexico State University who studies the phenomenon. "You give the impression of lower availability, and thus increase demand." We're programmed to be attracted to the best mates possible, and as with other types of negotiations - such as a job offer - cues that you have other options signal your desirability.

"Those who are high in mate value are indeed hard to get for most, since they are highly sought and in great demand," explains David Buss, an evolutionary psychologist at the University of Texas and author of The Evolution of Desire. "Being overly eager is a clear signal that you are lower in mate value."

But playing hard to get is a dangerous game. We like people who like us back, and if you seem too unattainable, you risk causing the other person to lose hope and give up altogether. But stretching out that period of anxious anticipation can be a powerful weapon of courtship. Use with caution.

*****

Read more by Jay Dixit on Psychology Today’s Brainstorm blog.

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Turn Off Your Defense System

2009-02-16T06:00:00.011-05:00

When you are defensive, the worst is likely to happen.

by Steven Stosny, PhD, author of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It and Psychology Today's Anger in the Age of Entitlement blog.

Except in the case of abuse or battering, the real barrier to a satisfying intimate relationship is not the personality, selfishness, ill will, poor behavior choices, or communication skills of you or your partner. The real enemy of your relationship is the hypersensitive automatic defense system that has evolved between you.

Activated almost entirely without words, the defense system is triggered unconsciously by body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice. By the time you're aware of any feelings, it's usually in an advanced stage. It's the feeling you get when your partner doesn't look at you, or sighs as you enter the room, or when he starts with that "tone." Suddenly you find yourself in a defensive posture, prepared for the worst.

Of course, when you are both defensive, the worst is likely to happen. You can just as suddenly find yourself in a battle of cold shoulders or curt exchanges or hot arguments- the missiles start flying on their own, with no one giving the order. You both feel powerless. You get irritable, impatient, resentful, or angry and want to stonewall, ignore, avoid, shut down, criticize, yell, or devalue yourself or your partner.

Disarming Your Defenses

See it as a pattern between you rather than something your partner does to you.

Make a core value decision of what is more important to you-giving in to your defense system or disarming it.

Maintain the will to disarm it, even when it feels awkward or scary to do so.

Appreciate times of hypersensitivity and the enormous power of incendiary triggers.

Be compassionate to yourself and your partner.

Be allies against it-it's bigger than either one of you but not bigger than both of you.

Be able to say, "Oh, we're triggered again; let's set it right. You're important to me; I want us to be close."

*****

Read more postings by Steven Stosny on Psychology Today's Anger in the Age of Entitlement blog.

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Did My Daughter Do a Hair Flip?

2009-02-13T06:00:00.008-05:00

Learning to beguile at a young age.

by Steven Schlozman, MD, Associate Director of Medical Student Education in Psychiatry for Harvard Medical School and author of Psychology Today's Grand Rounds blog.

"Did she just do a hair flip?" my wife asks, smiling, wide eyed, as if our 8-year-old daughter has said a new word or taken her first few steps.

I replay what I've just seen. My daughter's talking to a great kid whom she's known since kindergarten. He says something charming and my sweet "latency age" child effortlessly tilts her little head down and throws it back, her long chestnut hair sweeping forward and then back again along her shoulder blades. Her friend, just for an instant, loses his balance, stumbles a bit toward the wall against which he had a second before been so confidently leaning. It's like there was a small earthquake, but he regains his composure quickly and is back to his confident poise in almost no time. I could have missed the whole thing if I had hiccupped.

I nod to my wife and agree: "Yeah. That was a hair flip...I'm going in."

"Don't you dare," warns my wife, reminding me of all the reasons that I married her. We men often descend into buffoonery without the guidance of our wiser partners.

Freud felt that the sexual world of an 8-year-old was "latent." Hah! Hell, my legs felt rubbery. My daughter knew, at some very deep-rooted biological and unconscious level, exactly what she was doing. When Desmond Morris wrote The Naked Ape, he argued that humans learn to flirt early as a function of adaptive evolutionary pressures. In this sense, flirtation, of which the Hair Flip is a specific enactment, helps humans to occupy a biological niche that I believe has as much to do with romance as it does with reproduction. I have been on the receiving end of a Hair Flip, and it is a true pheromone, an invitation to continue the interaction, a sign that things are going well.

And that, as a psychiatrist and as a father, I must acknowledge is a good thing. That my daughter can do a Hair Flip is wicked cool. Her rapidly developing brain gleaned a social and evolutionarily adaptive communicative cue from the prevailing culture and called upon it at the appropriate time. THIS IS NORMAL! Any discomfort I experience is about my own coming to terms with my daughter's capacity to beguile. And for this, I know a lot of good shrinks I can talk to.

*****

Read more by Steven Schlozman, MD on Psychology Today’s Grand Rounds blog.

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Schooled in Jealousy

2009-02-12T06:00:00.008-05:00

by Thomas Moore, author of Psychology Today's Care of the Soul blog.

When I think of how naive and ignorant I was about love in my late teens and twenties, and not much better in my thirties, I wonder how I survived. When I was twenty-six, going on thirteen, a friend who was a Catholic sister pleaded with me not to get seriously involved with anyone. She knew how inexperienced I was.

But I learned quickly. I had to, given my romantic temperament and my tendency to fall fast and deep into love. I learned most of the laws of love through jealousy-burning, painful, clinging, obliterating jealousy.

I know that jealousy can be a dangerous thing. It is one of the love sicknesses. But you shouldn't just try to get rid of it. It has a purpose: to make your capacity to love more mature.

Jealousy forces you to consider one of the great conundrums that every person faces: how to want another person madly and at the same time grant her her freedom as a person with her own life and fate. You can't learn this from a book or a counseling session. Jealousy can teach you, but only if you are able to go through it to the end. All the questions with which you torture yourself, all your doubts, all your shifting back and forth-all of these tools of jealousy twist you out of your immaturity and eventually teach you how to love. Your heart expands, and you become capable of loving the other passionately while taking pleasure in honoring the mysterious laws and attractions that make her who she is.

*****

Read more by Thomas Moore on Psychology Today’s Care of the Soul blog.

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Loving What Is

2009-02-11T06:00:00.013-05:00

by Alix Kates Shulman, author of To Love What Is: A Marriage Transformed and Psychology Today's Love and Dementia blog.

In July 2004, my husband, whom I fell for in 1950, tumbled off a balcony, suffering a traumatic brain injury that left him unable to remember anything from that day on or find his way home from across the street. Our marriage, built on equality and mutual support, was radically transformed as I became his caregiver.

People wondered why I didn't place him in a nursing home and get on with my life, not realizing that his dependency brought us closer and infused my life with new purpose. Though his emotional outbursts, typical of TBI, were sometimes difficult to handle, behind his symptoms he remained his gentle, sunny self, dancing with me daily, relishing a cappuccino, thanking me for "sticking by" him.

For the entire first year, I was determined to heal him, like someone possessed. But after I recognized that his cognitive impairment was permanent, I switched my goal to creating for us lives as fulfilling as possible. For him that meant being with me; for me it also meant writing. I hired a caregiver weekdays from 9 to 2 and began writing To Love What Is: A Marriage Transformed, a memoir about his accident and its aftermath. Of all my books, it was the most efficiently written, partly because time was limited; partly because our searing story, a love story, came pouring out of me.

Love, life's natural sweetener, can ease the way to embracing your fate (amor fati, in Nietzsche's phrase), accepting whatever lies in store. If someday I am no longer able to care for him at home, I hope I will adapt gracefully and continue to love what is.

*****

Read more by Alix Kates Shulman on Psychology Today’s Love and Dementia blog.

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Hungry for Heavier Women?

2009-02-10T06:00:00.010-05:00

Why men love heavy women in bad times.

by Matthew Hutson, Psychology Today News Editor and contributor for Brainstorm.

When men are hungry they're more attracted to heavier women. Some evolutionary psychologists argue that in an environment where food is scarce, potential sires want to bank their sperm in a body that can provide for its offspring. What about when other resources are scarce? Can financial insolvency prompt desire for a plump mate?

Some evidence says yes. Viren Swami, Martin Tovée, and others have shown that in societies around the world, socioeconomic status negatively correlates with preferred mate weight: men in cultures with fat wallets want skinny women. Comparing populations is scientifically messy though; too many extraneous factors.

Psychologists Leif Nelson and Evan Morrison manipulated individual male participants' financial satisfaction by asking them about personal savings in a way that made them feel either rich or poor, then asked them to name the ideal body weight of a potential partner. Feeling poor added a few pounds to that number. (They also demonstrated that hungry men want fat women by cornering undergrads on their way in or out of the dining hall.)

Swami and Tovée repeated Nelson and Morrison's hunger study, confirming their results. But when they repeated the personal-savings study using purportedly more rigorous methods (subjects rated photographs of women), men induced to feel rich and men induced to feel poor each preferred women with a BMI between 20 and 21. And the groups had identical ratings of women with a BMI of 30. So financial insecurity did NOT arouse a preference for plus-sizes.

So what makes food special as a resource? It's possible that money is too abstract and too recent an invention to tap into the same drives as physiological hunger. Or maybe hunger merely enhances aesthetic appreciation of any heavy object, whether a woman or a watermelon.

*****

Read more by Matthew Hutson on Psychology Today’s Brainstorm blog.

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How to Berate Your Mate

2009-02-09T06:00:00.009-05:00

Changing two me's into a we.

by Jay Dixit, Psychology Today Senior Editor and contributor for Brainstorm.

If your partner is doing something that's bothering you, there's a right way and a wrong way to bring it up. The right way to do it is gently, in such a way that the other person can't possibly doubt your love - what relationship psychologist John Gottman calls "softened startup."

The wrong way is to make your partner feel criticized. Gottman has found that 96 percent of time, the way the conflict begins is the way it continues-which is why conversations that start with criticism end in anger and bitterness.

Forget old resentments, let go of the need to win, and don't assign blame. Gottman calls this method "no fault discussion." Rather than dredging up old arguments, figuring out whose fault it was, and bringing up past grievances, you start fresh.

Complain, don't blame; start the sentence with "I" instead of "you" to make it clear you're not criticizing the other person, but rather, bringing up a problem with the relationship you can solve together; describe what's happening without evaluating or judging; talk clearly about what you need; be polite; and give your appreciation.

Finally, maintain your emotional connection with your partner even when discussing irritants. Be present and listen to each other with empathy and emotional openness, and using the tools at your disposal-eye contact, voice, and touch-to maintain a loving connection during the conversation. Being present with your partner is more important than the topic of discussion.

"Basically we have to become more loving," says John Buri, a psychologist at the University of St. Thomas. "The heart of it comes down to moving from two me's to a we. If we can take on an identity of we, it changes everything."

*****

Read more by Jay Dixit on Psychology Today’s Brainstorm blog.

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The Dating Cheat Sheet

2009-02-06T06:00:00.007-05:00

When he's just not that into you.

by Carlin Flora, Psychology Today's Senior Editor and contributor for Brainstorm.

This is for those of you who didn't see the Sex and the City episode that launched the handy-if-harsh phrase, "He's just not that into you." And for those who didn't read the book with the same title by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. And for those who don't plan on seeing the star-studded movie based on the book. Here's your Valentine's gift: A "Cliff Notes" to this practical dating philosophy.

Here's the scenario: You meet a man whom you're excited about. You have a great time with him. Then he doesn't call for a while, or leaves it to you to ask him out for the next date. Maybe he flat out says that he's not interested in a relationship, or that he's completely focused on his business-novel-yoga.

But you know that you're a great catch, and that you could be a wonderful girlfriend for him. What do you do? You give him the benefit of the doubt - you're a nice, understanding person, after all. You come up with excuses for his mixed messages: "He's busy." "He just doesn't like talking on the phone." "My last email landed in his junk folder." "He's intimidated by my intelligence."

The simple truth you need to hear: if a guy really likes you, he will chase you, call you, ask you out, and want you to be his girlfriend. Men, the authors of the book insist, would rather do anything than actually TELL you that they are not into you. So you need to take their actions at face value.

It's easy, really. Stop going out with men who aren't treating you the way they should if they really like you. And yet, of course it's complicated, because women like to think of themselves (and the men they're dating) as exceptional: "Well, maybe this stuff applies to most guys, but my guy really is busy!" Or, "Well, he says he's not ready for a new girlfriend, but I know he'll change his mind."

Also, it's very hard to meet a man with whom you really click. So when you do - especially if you're feeling lonely - you're going to hang on to hope rather than read his clear signals. (Remember, "mixed" signals are negative signals.) Instead, have hope that you will meet a great guy who is into you. That is, if you're not busy wasting time on those who aren't.

*****

Read more by Carlin Flora on Psychology Today’s Brainstorm blog.

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Welcome to Modern Love

2009-02-06T05:30:00.004-05:00

It's still the same old story,
A fight for love and glory,
A case of do or die...

Is it the same old story? What's so different about love in the time of texting and testing? And what universal truths remain the same? Or are there new ways of thinking about dating, mating and relating?

Welcome to the world of Modern Love, a new title and new direction for our blog where we'll be talking about sex, relationships, and health. A variety of guest experts will share their thinking about the way we love today. So whether you're part of a committed couple or are a single seeking someone; a hot body or a homebody, come along and share the ride - and your comments - as we explore the current state of love, sex, health and harmony.

The world will always welcome lovers as time goes by.*

Kate Royston
Community Editor

*© 1931 Warner Bros. Music Corporation, ASCAP

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Using Television for Health Education

2008-12-03T01:56:00.002-05:00

The Kaiser Family Foundation, in collaboration with the writers and producers of Grey's Anatomy, conducted a study of how information about health could affect the accuracy of knowledge of the show's viewers. They decided to pick a topic that had some relevance but was still was obscure enough to offer the possibility of measuring a change in the level of knowledge: HIV-positive women giving birth.

Throughout an episode of Grey's Anatomy, two characters repeatedly emphasized the health fact that with proper medical treatment, HIV-positive pregnant women have a 98% chance of giving birth to a healthy baby not infected with HIV. Researchers measured both level of knowledge and attitude of regular viewers of the show with these questions:

As far as you know, if a woman who is HIV positive becomes pregnant and receives the proper treatment, what is the chance that she will give birth to a healthy baby - that is, a baby who is NOT infected with HIV?

Do you agree or disagree: it is irresponsible for a woman who knows she is HIV positive to have a baby?

To see whether the education level and attitudes were affected by the show, the study used three different sample waves. Each wave used a separate sample of 500 regular viewers of Grey's Anatomy. The first wave of participants was given a survey before the episode aired in order to establish a baseline of viewer's knowledge about mother-to-child HIV transmission. The second wave of participants was given a survey directly after the episode aired in order to measure the immediate response from viewers. The third wave was given a survey six weeks after the episode aired in order to analyze how well viewers retained the new health information.

Here were the findings:

The viewers who had accurate knowledge about the HIV fact quadrupled from 15% before the show aired to 61% directly after.

The viewers who retained the HIV health fact six weeks later dropped to 45% (which is still much more than 15%).

The viewers who agreed that it was irresponsible for a woman who knows she is HIV positive to have a baby decreased by almost half - from 61% before the show aired to 31% directly after.

After six weeks, the proportion of views who had the attitude that it was irresponsible for an HIV-positive woman to have a child increased to 47%, but it did not return to the original 61% before the show aired.

Regular viewers aged 18 to 39 and with an annual income below $50,000 were more likely to say that they had ever learned something new about health from the show.

This is exciting to me as a sex therapist and sex educator because the results are clear. Putting accurate health information in popular TV shows does affect viewers' level of knowledge and their attitudes - and it reaches thousands, if not millions (depending on the show) of people in just one hour! According to the Nielsen ratings, this Grey's Anatomy episode had over 17.5 million viewers. Doing the math, that means that more than 8 million people learned correct information in an hour. And, younger viewers with less than $50,000 yearly income were more likely to have learned something from the show. It becomes obvious then that tailoring shows to specific audiences could be a powerful tool for those interested in health education.

But, what's really important then is that the information presented be accurate. I recall a Mad About You episode in which Paul Buchman took a Viagra pill. He walked around Manhattan for a day with an unwanted erection. It was frustrating to watch this irresponsible presentation of the effect of that medication. Many men and women finished up that episode thinking that Viagra caused an erection when a man took it - and that was that. There was no indication that when Viagra was used, sexual stimulation (either physical or mental) was necessary in order for the erection to occur. Even today I speak with people who think that by taking a Viagra pill they will have a perpetual erection no matter the circumstance or level of sexual stimulation.

So, now we have the official research and I've had my personal opinions based on clients in my therapy practice since that 1999 episode of Mad About You. I am eager to see if Hollywood can do some good for public health by harnessing this powerful health education tool to promote accurate knowledge - particularly about sex matters.

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Should Mom Worry About Her Young Daughter's Sexual Behavior?

2008-10-28T11:51:00.003-04:00

A commenter on a previous post asked this:

I have a question pertaining to the topic here. My child, a 5-year old girl, has been exhibiting a behavior sexual in nature since about 3. She will "hump" a stuffed toy or, as of late, a balled up blanket. At first I though she was just pretending to ride them but when she switched to a blanket recently I realized what she was doing.

I am alarmed because I have asked every mom I know with a 5-year-old daughter and I found only one other mom who will say, "Yes, my child does that also." Does this mean my child has a problem? I have been taking her blanket form her at night (since it is the only time she does it) because she has been doing it every night before bed. Should I be discouraging this behavior? Should I even acknowledge it?

Though not all children discover self-pleasuring by this age, many do. Children have been known to have orgasms at this age. (We know this from interviewing adults about this and ask them to recall their experiences.) If the child does have an orgasm, it is a fairly powerful reinforcer. As any adult knows, an orgasm feels rather good. People, young and old, tend to pursue things that feel good.

Other mothers may not know if their children do masturbate. Some children hide it well. Others do it to assist in falling asleep - often when their parents have left the room. Some would mistake it for "riding" a toy. And, some parents simply would not admit it even they thought their child did masturbate.

Even as long ago as the 1950s, Alfred Kinsey found in his research that women who masturbate to orgasm before marriage tended to be much more likely to be orgasmic in their sex during marriage. And teens and young women who know that they can create an orgasm themselves any time they want tend to be less driven to seek out a sexual partner to do that for them. They also tend to be better able to express to a partner what it is that sexually pleases them. This helps these women develop greater sexual self-esteem and feel less exploited by sexual partners.

When I work with adult women who have not yet learned to be orgasmic, the first step nearly every time is to assist these women in learning how to masturbate in their own home. I provide them encouragement and specific information about what to expect during the process of learning how to become orgasmic.

So, there are many reasons why learning to self-pleasure can result in good decision-making and good sexual fulfillment later in life.

I can, however, understand your concern when you feel like your child is fairly unusual in her pursuits. Of course, you want to suggest that she only does this in her room when she's by herself. It's a private way that she's learning her body. She may be expecting privacy when using the bathroom around this time too. So you can blend this suggestion for privacy together with that one. If you take away her blanket, she may resort to her pillow. After a while, she might be sleeping on a pillowless, blanket-free bed. I doubt that you want to create such an austere sleeping environment.

If you stigmatize her behavior, punish her, or cause her to feel guilty about it, you may set in motion some psychological concerns later on. It's not that she would necessarily be traumatized by it. I certainly know many people whose parents expressed their disapproval of self-stimulation without causing a neurosis. Yet the ones who had parents who simply wove sexuality into the everyday conversation are incredibly grateful for their parents' calm acceptance of that facet of life.

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