Sexy Senior Citizens

I've been thinking about how sex plays out in "the senior years" lately. I have quite a few sixty and older clients right now and they keep me on my toes.

I was listening to my colleague, Dr. Dean Edell, on his national radio show recently. He was describing a study conducted in Scandinavia of senior citizens seventy and older. Essentially, the study found that many of these seniors were quite content with their sex lives. In fact, they were more satisfied now than they had been ten years ago in most ways that the research had evaluated.

As I listened, I was doing the math and realized that today's seventy-year olds were in their late twenties and early thirties when the sexual revolution was going on. I thought about what might have caused them dissatisfaction in their sixties and why that might have lifted ten years later.

I don't know for sure, but here's my hunch. In the sixties lots of physical changes begin to set in that can derail or frustrate sexuality. It's a time of adjusting to creaking joints, hearing aids, rising blood pressure and eyesight that yearns for arms just a bit longer than they are. The reality of mortality takes a firm hold on life and I suspect that it's psychologically daunting for many people.

Yet, why would seventy-year olds be happier with their sexuality? I've noticed that some seventy-year olds simply refuse to give up. They enjoyed the fruits of what I think of as "the golden age of sex" (lots of sexual exploration coupled with no fatal diseases). Now, at seventy, they fully appreciate the gift that sex is and, "gosh darn it," they won't quit until they have to. So what if there's an ache or pain; the natural morphine of orgasm will chase that away.

Another medical doctor colleague (in his late fifties) has this observation framed on his office wall, summarizing the cycle of life:

Life is graded on a curve.
At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is having friends.
At age 16, success is having a driver's license.
At age 20, success is having sex.
At age 35, success is having money.
At age 50, success is having money.
At age 60, success is having sex.
At age 70, success is having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is having friends.
At age 80, success is not peeing in your pants.

I have no idea when this was written, but given the increasing longevity of seniors, I think that we could easily add another decade of "success is having money" at age 60 and in doing so, find that at 70 "success is having sex." I know that many of my clients would agree and in about 15 years, I hope to agree as well.

**********************************************************

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'
The other replies, 'Oh, sure I do.'
The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'
The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'

**********************************************************

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Technorati Tags: sexuality, aging

A Compassionate Husband and His High Maintenance Wife

I was working with a client this week who had come to the realization that he probably needed to end his marriage. Fortunately, there are no children involved.

A while back I had suggested that he read a book called Stop Walking on Eggshells. He did so and then returned to meet with me. I often recommend this book when I suspect that a client of mine has a loved one who has the mental condition called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). In his case, I had met his wife and I was rather sure that this diagnosis was accurate, but rather than apply a label to her, I thought that it would be beneficial for him to come to his own conclusion.

He did. And, he was quite grateful for the reading suggestion because it had clarified so many things for him.

Once he finished the book, he dove into its recommended resources list and picked up The ABC's of BPD, Love and Loathing, and Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist. He expressed such great relief about finally getting to a place of understanding his feelings while living with a wife with BPD.

And, interestingly enough, he was now trying to locate an attorney who understood the mental condition of BPD. Why? Because he still loved her and didn't want to abuse or punish her in the way that some divorces can. He wanted his attorney to know what to expect and not select strategies that would likely worsen the process for him and for his wife. He wanted compassion in his divorce.

This man sat in my office like many other men I have met over the years who were coping with a similar predicament. I was struck by his big-heartedness. He, like the others, was kind, patient, understanding and, amazingly, not angry with his wife. These salt-of-the-earth men are filled with compassion that exceeds that of most others. I have often thought that they are among the few who can, for a while (sometimes a long while) make it work with a BPD mate. I felt my eyes water up a bit and saw that his did too.

Partners of BPD individuals cope with the no-win situations that their "high maintenance" loved ones repeatedly manufacture. If there is nothing wrong, they can find something. If everyone's happy, they can find a reason not to be. If it's been a pretty good day, they know how to bring everyone down. They can turn any compliment into an insult. Why do they do this?

The way that experts in this particular field describe it is this: BPD folks have a "hole in their soul." There's an emptiness inside that is almost intolerable. Rather than feel this aching void, they stir up the emotions of those around them with their actions. For a time, the distraction this causes solves their problem. They don't have to feel the "hole." But it only works...for a while.

As we were talking, my client pointed out a section in Splitting for attorneys. I listened and thought that divorce attorneys probably came into contact with an exceptionally high number of BPD clients (or opposing clients). I found myself wishing that all divorce attorneys would read the book with the hoped for result of much less pain for everyone involved. I've heard many stories about "impossible clients" and "drama queens" (and occasionally "kings") from my colleagues who work in the world of divorce law. Here is some material that could really be of help if they would take the time.

All of these resources, plus various forms of support for people with BPD and their loved ones (including parents), can be found at BPD Central. If you are in a relationship with a "high maintenance" person, I think you might find some relief at this site.

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• Borderline: Walking the Line
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Technorati Tags: Sex Matters, borderline personality disorder, BPD, divorce

Let The Ceremonies Begin!

On June 17 California began performing marriages between same sex couples. As a Californian for the last 36 years and a former San Franciscan for 22 years, I've been watching this social and legal battle unfold for quite some time.

When San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsome began issuing marriage licenses to same sex couples in 2004, I sensed that there would be some kind of obstruction and eventually there was. Yet, even Governor Schwarzenegger (who is personally against marriage between same sex people) was unwilling to oppose it legally from his elected office.

Groups opposing the decision by the California Supreme Court are now waging a campaign to reverse the court's decision by placing a voter initiative on the 2008 November ballot to ban same sex marriage in the state's constitution. This ballot measure campaign is being spearheaded by the Concerned Women of America.

I am amazed at times by the position that groups such as the Concerned Women of America take. So often the explanation is offered that same sex marriages will weaken heterosexual marriage. I never quite get this.

The divorce rate is rather high in the U.S. (well over 50%), but I don't see the Concerned Women of America setting their sites on fixing that threat to marriage. How about some premarital counseling offered free to couples instead of sinking these many dollars into political battles? Wouldn't marriage be less threatened if marriages lasted? Or if those who intended to marry got a realistic picture of what marriage is? This would involve understanding the nature of marriage and not holding some notion that amounts to a rose-tinted fairy tale. Some people might wisely back away from what would turn into an ill-fated marriage.

Perhaps this battle is about the haves and the have nots. Certainly we've seen other examples of this in history - Catholic priests not marrying and having family in order to keep the wealth within the church's ownership. So, is this about benefits and inheritance, making sure the heterosexuals have most of the money, privileges, and access? I don't know.

What I am fairly certain about, however, is that the folks who participate in these types of initiatives (such as the Defense of Marriage Act, otherwise known to Californians as Proposition 22) are afraid. They are afraid of the corruption of society. Anything that legitimizes the fact that there are people whose sexual orientation is other than heterosexual strikes fear into the hearts of some people. And, this fear equals the fall of society - to them.

I actually see it as the saving of our society. I value these times greatly. I am thrilled that this year's presidential candidates included the array of people it did, from members of the Latter Day Saints to a biracial male to an "old guy" to a post-menopausal female. I am glad that people who used to be disenfranchised now have access like never before. I don't think that all our tasks are complete - far from it! But when California's Supreme Court joins the state of Massachusetts in this manner, we are headed in a good direction and I too am proud of my country.

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• Study: Same-Sex Parents Raise Well-Adjusted Kids
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Technorati Tags: same sex marriage, California, sex matters

What to Do With Those Sex Toys...When You're a Parent

Years ago I was on an advisory board for a company that sold sexual accessories. Back then, it only sold its wares through a paper catalog. The Internet became an vehicle for selling sex toys just as my position on the advisory board was ending -- and what a vehicle it has become!

Many years before having this advisory board position, I had run my own small sex toy company called As You Like It (a tribute to my former intention of becoming a high school English teacher). This paid my bills through grad school and gave me incredibly valuable experience speaking in front of groups (ranging from five to a thousand and ultimately on national TV and radio).

In the five years I spent doing in-home presentations of sexual accessories, I met over 7,000 people (99% women). We talked about their difficulties, their pleasures, their mates, and all the other things that women like to gab about when we get into groups. It worked very well to sell products this way because women considered such gatherings both a shopping opportunity and a social event!

One colleague of mine who was finishing up his Ph.D. in psychology at UCSF once commented to me that he thought my talks were the sneakiest form of adult sex education he'd ever seen! I had such fun explaining concepts like what caused lubrication to occur for women and what could interrupt it or ways for women to learn to become orgasmic (explain, not demonstrate) -- the products just sold themselves.

In any event, I digress. At each advisory board meeting, we would be asked what trends were going on culturally when it came to sex. Were there any products that should be included in their line of offerings? Should any new ones be invented?

I vividly recall one of the other advisory board members saying that a product needed to be created that cleverly disguised itself as a container for sex toys to keep them private from children in the household. At that point, I had no children. The idea seemed somewhat esoteric. He suggested that a rather boring looking winter coat have inside it all sorts of zippers and pockets to store sex toys. After all, most kids would pass right by such a coat in their parents' closet.

I now have a five-year old and a nine-year old and I couldn't agree more!!

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• 10 Secrets to a Better Love Life
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Technorati Tags: sexuality, parenting

Figuring Out If a Women Really Wants It

Lately I've been thinking about the, sometimes thorny issue of consenting to a sexual act. Recently, the topic kept presenting itself to me from different angles.

About a week ago, I was listening to a radio interview of two college-aged women who were present at a party celebrating a win for a college athletic team in the Silicon Valley area of CA. The party was in the small home of one of the players off campus.

These women described what they witnessed and what they did when an 18-year-old inebriated and passed out woman was sexually assaulted in a bedroom by approximately a half-dozen males at the party. On the radio, they were describing how the case played out in court recently to their chagrin, particularly because they were witnesses and yet, had never been called to testify. They went through the gory and frustrating details and it appears that further action may take place in court. Clearly, this passed out woman could not have consented by any definition of law though, unfortunately, this is not as uncommon as we would like to hope.

Then, I was reading an article about a new book, Studies in Applied Interpersonal Communication, by Michael Motley, a University of California at Davis professor. He did an interesting study on how males and females interpret what females say when in the very early stages of sexual kissing.

When a female says, "It's getting late," she means that she wants to stop what they're doing and go their separate ways. If she finished her sentence, it would go, "I should already be home in bed - alone." Most males in this study, however, interpreted this to mean that she wants to skip the preliminaries and go forward a bit more quickly.

Or, if a woman says, "I'm seeing someone else," (meaning that she wants to stop because her affections are really with another man), males tend to think this means, "Keep going, but let's be discreet," or "Keep going, but I want you to know that I'm not making a commitment."

Motley concludes that in their efforts to not offend or upset their male partners with direct and forceful words, women are merely confusing them. He found out that men would prefer to hear it loud and clear, even if it smarts a little bit, rather than trying to read the woman's mind and risk offending her and/or losing the sexual opportunity.

Then, last night I watched the fourth and final episode on VH1 about the sexual revolution covering the 1950s up to the late 1980s. It was a well done piece and, from my view point, accurate. I'd lived through many of the hallmark events they highlighted during my 22 years in San Francisco. Colleagues, friends, and professors told the stories on screen that I had personally watched unfold.

One woman, at Plato's Retreat in New York City, was trying to set a Guinness Record for having intercourse with men in a particular amount of time. She was aiming somewhere in the 80s. When she was interviewed midway through, she commented that she didn't feel sexually fulfilled yet. Then, after her record-breaking marathon was over, she still commented that she could have enjoyed even more. Though she seemed euphoric, she did not seem "chemically altered,"; this was just who she was.

Then I thought about these three scenarios together. I realized that there was a connection between the illegal acts of the multiple rapes at the party, the misunderstanding of female communications during the early stages of sexual contact, and the quite amazing state of sexual desire the Plato's Retreat woman demonstrated. Some young men (and some old) hope that women are insatiable, want it any time and any where, and that somehow having sex with them will contribute to the woman's life, even if she's unconscious.

In each of these scenarios the woman's interest in sex is different. In one case, we don't know what she wanted. And, while it's possible that her idea of a good time is having intercourse with a roomful of young males while she's unconscious, that's not a bet I'd be very willing to take. In the next scenario, we're not talking about rape - it's merely miscommunication and misunderstanding. She might be interested in sex with the male in question, but just not right then. In the last case, she is very eager to go through as many men as possible and it's clear that she does want this experience.

When I consider all these stories, I am struck by how accurate Alfred Kinsey was in the 1950s when he observed that women have a much wider range of variation than men in how they approach sex, what they do, and how they feel about it. So, what's the "take home message" here? Crystal clear communication about sexual activity between people is a must.

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Technorati Tags: sex, communication