Happy Together

Can two wild, impulsive, spontaneous lovers find happiness together?

by Roy F. Baumeister, Eppes Eminent Professor of Psychology and head of the social psychology graduate program at Florida State University, and author of The Cultural Animal and Psychology Today's Cultural Animal blog.

What mix of partners makes for the best relationships? For decades, research has pitted two theories against each other. The similarity theory, which is the usual winner, holds that the smaller the differences between two people's personalities, the better match they make. In contrast, the theory of complementarity says that opposites attract; therefore the bigger the difference, the better.

What about self-control? In recent years, evidence has pointed toward many benefits of self-control. This raises a challenge for the similarity theory. Can a good relationship form between two people who are similar precisely because both lack self-control? Or would complementarity make a better pair, such that one partner is disciplined, organized, and reliable, while the other brings spontaneity and a carefree attitude to the romance?

Several recent studies by Kathleen Vohs, Catrin Finkenauer, and myself have begun to sort out the answer. We assembled dating couples, married couples, and even pairs of same-sex friends, measured their self-control levels, and looked at how the combination of self-control scores predicted their satisfaction with the relationship.

The difference between partners' scores predicted nothing. Neither similarity nor oppositeness produced a good relationship. These results contradicted both theories.

Rather, it was the total of the two scores that predicted success. The more self-control both partners had, the better they got along. This was true for friends, dating couples, and long-term spouses.

We did find that in romantic relationships (though not the same-sex friends), partners tended to be more different than similar. Thus, in terms of self-control, opposites do seem to attract - but oppositeness does not make for a better relationship.

Thus, to return to the question of whether two people with low self-control can find happiness together, the answer is that the odds are not good. They might have a very exciting and fun-filled fling for a short time. However, their prospects for a satisfying long-term stable relationship are poor. Over the long run, two people with good self-control share the best chance of a happy love relationship.

*****

Read more by Roy F. Baumeister on Psychology Today’s Cultural Animal blog.

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"Obamalot"

A cool, new brand of marriage that may just inspire young men.

by Paul Dobransky MD, clinical psychiatrist, and author of The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love, The Power of Female Friendship and Psychology Today's The Urban Scientist blog.

The Obamas are without a doubt, exemplars of "coolness." This isn't a scientifically definable term. But as the torch of leadership gets passed from generation to generation, the youthful term coolness is no less real as an assessment of one's character, social value, and behavior to be emulated by the masses.

After September 11, it was well noted that a resurgence of committed relationships came into favor with even the least likely stragglers to walk down the aisle - young males. Cut back to the present. Recently, a New York blogger bemoans the ongoing trend toward being "caught between responsibility and a perpetual adolescence. Now one wonders what happened to the young single man's interest in commitment.

Enter the Obamas: The new Camelot. They are the cool, hip, rad, in vogue, royal couple. The husband represents not just a celebrity rock star, nor the serious role of a world leader, but both. He is the Rock Star President - the likes of which we've never seen before. With unhappiness in committed relationships, the divorce rate, and the high number of abandoning fathers out there, one has to ask what Obamalot will do to glamorize marriage, as well as what kind of positive effect the new president may have on young males who would rather avoid commitment.

How will this happen?

By dividing a man's behavior into:

1. Masculinity
2. Character

It is clear. Often, today's young men seek role models who exude masculine identity, regardless of the questionable character in their dalliances with women, their ethics in generating an income, and their raison d'etre sometimes amounting to nothing more than money as an end unto itself.

The masculine drives for ambition and power we see in male celebrities - the coolness that appeals to young men - is something Barack Obama displays in spades. Yet while he has that appeal for the young, Obama also has the high character and maturity required to lead the free world. And if anything, maturity is needed in a lasting relationship - as well as patience, wisdom, equanimity, and empathy.

It is these two forces - masculinity and character - that equip a man to have both the coolness that feeds healthy pride, as well as the maturity to commit to lasting love in the arms of another.

*****

Read more by Paul Dobransky MD on Psychology Today’s The Urban Scientist blog.

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What Should I Say?

How to communicate in a relationship.

by Steven Stosny, PhD, author of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It and Psychology Today's Anger in the Age of Entitlement blog.

Most people fret about what to say when a partner says or does something. "What should I say?" is the question I hear most. My pat response: "Don't worry about what to say; focus on the emotional state you are in and the emotional state of your partner when you say it."

Emotional disconnection is the biggest single factor in divorce. Most divorcees say they just "grew apart," largely because they "couldn't communicate." This is sad because the problem was not about communication, it is about disconnection.

The chronic stress of disconnection in marriage stems from a slight difference in the way the sexes experience fear and shame. This subtle difference is inherent in the dilemma, "Do we talk about the relationship or not?" The real reason women usually want to talk about it is disconnection makes them feel anxious and isolated.

The real reason men typically don't want to talk about it is that her dissatisfaction with him makes him feel like a failure. His shame is too great to allow him to understand her anxiety, and her anxiety keeps her from seeing his shame. When they try to alleviate their feelings of vulnerability in opposite ways - by talking and not talking - all they end up sharing are disappointment and heartache.

Instead of starting discussions with complaints, approach your partner differently:

• A desire for connection (this is actually the goal of wanting to "talk about it").


• Curiosity about her perspective.


• Mindfulness that he is someone you love and value.


• Appreciation of the assets she brings to your relationship.


• The belief that he is a reasonable person: If you convey value and respect and give enough information, he will at least acknowledge the importance of what you say, even if he disagrees.

If you can do the above, almost anything you say will be successful and will eventually lead to a compassionate and loving connection that goes beyond words.

*****

Read more postings by Steven Stosny on Psychology Today's Anger in the Age of Entitlement blog.

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Loving What Is

by Alix Kates Shulman, author of To Love What Is: A Marriage Transformed and Psychology Today's Love and Dementia blog.

In July 2004, my husband, whom I fell for in 1950, tumbled off a balcony, suffering a traumatic brain injury that left him unable to remember anything from that day on or find his way home from across the street. Our marriage, built on equality and mutual support, was radically transformed as I became his caregiver.

People wondered why I didn't place him in a nursing home and get on with my life, not realizing that his dependency brought us closer and infused my life with new purpose. Though his emotional outbursts, typical of TBI, were sometimes difficult to handle, behind his symptoms he remained his gentle, sunny self, dancing with me daily, relishing a cappuccino, thanking me for "sticking by" him.

For the entire first year, I was determined to heal him, like someone possessed. But after I recognized that his cognitive impairment was permanent, I switched my goal to creating for us lives as fulfilling as possible. For him that meant being with me; for me it also meant writing. I hired a caregiver weekdays from 9 to 2 and began writing To Love What Is: A Marriage Transformed, a memoir about his accident and its aftermath. Of all my books, it was the most efficiently written, partly because time was limited; partly because our searing story, a love story, came pouring out of me.

Love, life's natural sweetener, can ease the way to embracing your fate (amor fati, in Nietzsche's phrase), accepting whatever lies in store. If someday I am no longer able to care for him at home, I hope I will adapt gracefully and continue to love what is.

*****

Read more by Alix Kates Shulman on Psychology Today’s Love and Dementia blog.

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