Happy Together

Can two wild, impulsive, spontaneous lovers find happiness together?

by Roy F. Baumeister, Eppes Eminent Professor of Psychology and head of the social psychology graduate program at Florida State University, and author of The Cultural Animal and Psychology Today's Cultural Animal blog.

What mix of partners makes for the best relationships? For decades, research has pitted two theories against each other. The similarity theory, which is the usual winner, holds that the smaller the differences between two people's personalities, the better match they make. In contrast, the theory of complementarity says that opposites attract; therefore the bigger the difference, the better.

What about self-control? In recent years, evidence has pointed toward many benefits of self-control. This raises a challenge for the similarity theory. Can a good relationship form between two people who are similar precisely because both lack self-control? Or would complementarity make a better pair, such that one partner is disciplined, organized, and reliable, while the other brings spontaneity and a carefree attitude to the romance?

Several recent studies by Kathleen Vohs, Catrin Finkenauer, and myself have begun to sort out the answer. We assembled dating couples, married couples, and even pairs of same-sex friends, measured their self-control levels, and looked at how the combination of self-control scores predicted their satisfaction with the relationship.

The difference between partners' scores predicted nothing. Neither similarity nor oppositeness produced a good relationship. These results contradicted both theories.

Rather, it was the total of the two scores that predicted success. The more self-control both partners had, the better they got along. This was true for friends, dating couples, and long-term spouses.

We did find that in romantic relationships (though not the same-sex friends), partners tended to be more different than similar. Thus, in terms of self-control, opposites do seem to attract - but oppositeness does not make for a better relationship.

Thus, to return to the question of whether two people with low self-control can find happiness together, the answer is that the odds are not good. They might have a very exciting and fun-filled fling for a short time. However, their prospects for a satisfying long-term stable relationship are poor. Over the long run, two people with good self-control share the best chance of a happy love relationship.

*****

Read more by Roy F. Baumeister on Psychology Today’s Cultural Animal blog.

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Second-Hand Procrastination

How your task-delay affects those around you.

by Timothy A. Pychyl, PhD, Professor of Psychology, Carleton University, Ottawa, Canada, and author of Psychology Today's Don't Delay blog.

With the fatigue of all-nighters, the stress of those last-minute efforts and perhaps the inferior result of not enough time spent on task, it might appear that procrastination only harms the procrastinator. The truth is, when the procrastinator finishes his binge of work, social devastation lays all about.

In the name of "working better under pressure," too often social engagements are canceled, promises are broken, and favors called in to have others problem solve last-minute catastrophes (a jammed printer becomes a national emergency). Anyone within the vicinity suffers the intense pressure of the looming deadline. Procrastination harms relationships at home and at work.

Procrastination, the mundane yet quintessential self-regulation problem, undermines relationships. Just as the failure of self-regulation related to substance abuse, excessive shopping, gambling or over-eating does, procrastination has social consequences.

The irony is that procrastinators may feel smug relief on making the deadline once again at the eleventh hour, while those close to them are frustrated and fed up. Second-hand procrastination - the stressful effects of living or working with a procrastinator can strain relationships to their breaking point.

*****

Read more by Timothy A. Pychyl, PhD on Psychology Today’s Don't Delay blog.

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Other People Matter

Loving relationships make life worth living.

by Christopher Peterson, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of Michigan, and author of A Primer in Positive Psychology and Psychology Today's The Good Life blog.

Positive psychology is the scientific study of what makes life most worth living. The topics of concern to this new field range from the biochemical bases of joy to the well-being of nations. However, a three-word summary suffices: Other people matter. There is not a finding or theory in positive psychology that does not underscore the importance of other people for our happiness and health.

The best way to savor pleasure is in the company of others. The most important determinants of a satisfied life are social. Indeed, good relationships with others may be a necessary condition for a happy life. Money can buy happiness - if we spend it on others. Achievement results not just from genius and perseverance but also from teaching and nurture. Character is learned from our parents and teachers. A good friend at work matters more than salary or status. People with close relationships are healthier than those without, despite - we assume - greater exposure to germs.

The Beatles told us that all we need is love. Positive psychology explains why. The good life follows in the wake of loving relationships with friends, neighbors, colleagues, family members, and spouses.

Other people matter. And we are all other people to someone else.

*****

Read more by Christopher Peterson, PhD on Psychology Today’s The Good Life blog.

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What Should I Say?

How to communicate in a relationship.

by Steven Stosny, PhD, author of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It and Psychology Today's Anger in the Age of Entitlement blog.

Most people fret about what to say when a partner says or does something. "What should I say?" is the question I hear most. My pat response: "Don't worry about what to say; focus on the emotional state you are in and the emotional state of your partner when you say it."

Emotional disconnection is the biggest single factor in divorce. Most divorcees say they just "grew apart," largely because they "couldn't communicate." This is sad because the problem was not about communication, it is about disconnection.

The chronic stress of disconnection in marriage stems from a slight difference in the way the sexes experience fear and shame. This subtle difference is inherent in the dilemma, "Do we talk about the relationship or not?" The real reason women usually want to talk about it is disconnection makes them feel anxious and isolated.

The real reason men typically don't want to talk about it is that her dissatisfaction with him makes him feel like a failure. His shame is too great to allow him to understand her anxiety, and her anxiety keeps her from seeing his shame. When they try to alleviate their feelings of vulnerability in opposite ways - by talking and not talking - all they end up sharing are disappointment and heartache.

Instead of starting discussions with complaints, approach your partner differently:

• A desire for connection (this is actually the goal of wanting to "talk about it").


• Curiosity about her perspective.


• Mindfulness that he is someone you love and value.


• Appreciation of the assets she brings to your relationship.


• The belief that he is a reasonable person: If you convey value and respect and give enough information, he will at least acknowledge the importance of what you say, even if he disagrees.

If you can do the above, almost anything you say will be successful and will eventually lead to a compassionate and loving connection that goes beyond words.

*****

Read more postings by Steven Stosny on Psychology Today's Anger in the Age of Entitlement blog.

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In Times of Sickness

What does not destroy you binds you for life.

by Pamela Weintraub, senior editor at Discover Magazine, author of Cure Unknown: Inside The Lyme Epidemic, and author of the Psychology Today's Emerging Diseases blog.

When my family moved from New York City to the Westchester suburbs in 1993, what started as a dream of paradise ended in nightmare: The beautiful deer traipsing across our property in Chappaqua carried thousands of ticks, and the ticks carried Lyme disease. Five years later we were all sick in the heart of an epidemic, and there was no diagnosis in sight. Especially sick was our eldest son - once a straight A student and traveling basketball player.

We went from doctor to doctor looking for answers, commenced treatment for our son's late stage Lyme, spent our life savings to pay medical bills, and even lost our house. It's no surprise that my relationship with my husband was mightily strained. With other people my husband and I might discuss a movie or politics or some light-hearted foible on the job - but for each other we had only troubles. There were bills, doctors, disturbing calls from the school, a pain-stricken child who might never recover.

Could any relationship survive these travails?

Fast forward to 2009: Our family of four has left the suburb to a better place, the brownstone expanse of Brooklyn. In Brooklyn we have espresso bars on the corner and movie houses down the street, and even the local park is concrete. In Brooklyn, the sidewalks are endless and the ticks, very few. So many years later our son has recovered - in fact, graduated from Brown University - and our family has stayed intact.

The reason? Despite all the stress, my husband and I were the only people who cared enough to dig out of this desperate situation, to stay and fight. We plundered our resources and fought until our sick child recovered. We might have wanted to flee each other, but when water is flooding your ship, you don't toss the only set of hands helping you pump it out.

Years after the fact I can say without a doubt: What does not destroy you makes you stronger. It's true that the illness of a child can push you apart - but it can also bring you together. After all, who else but the other parent of your child is going to walk with you to the ends of the Earth, relinquish everything and never stop trying until life has been set right.

*****

Read more by Pamela Weintraub on Psychology Today’s Emerging Diseases blog.

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Repair Your Relationship Rules

How to end a fight: relationship psychologist John Gottman's rules to patching things up.

by Jay Dixit, Psychology Today Senior Editor and contributor for Brainstorm.

1. Cool off. Don't talk about the relationship if either of you is angry. People have an emotional refractory period during which it's hard for them to think clearly. Take a break for at least half an hour and settle down-while thinking about something else. Start again when you're both calm.


2. De-escalate. Show affection, ask interested questions, and use self-deprecating humor to make your words sound less harsh, critical, or confrontational. If your partner says, "You worry too much about money," you might respond with, "I know I can be pretty tight with my money-it's part of my Scottish heritage. But I really do need to talk to you about the budget."


3. Find out your partner's feelings. A direct question like "What are you feeling?" is fine.


4. Validate your partner's feelings. Respond in an understanding, compassionate way, and apologize if possible. Show that you understand why he feels the way he does. If your partner says, "I'm hurt because you didn't ask me about my day, and it makes me feel like you're not interested in me," you might respond with, "I'm really sorry, I've been preoccupied with my own day. I can see why you're feeling neglected."


5. Discover your partner's needs. Ask questions like, "What do you need here?"


6. Talk about your needs. Share how you're feeling-it can't be a one-way street. You might say, "You're right, I've been working hard, and that's an issue. I've been trying to make sure we have enough money for that vacation we've been planning." Tell your partner what you need, too.


7. Work toward a solution. If your partner says, "We're not going on dates like we usually do because you're working so hard," you might respond with, "OK, let's do that. When can we go on a date?"


8. Follow up. People don't always say everything they want to say the first time around, so take another pass. Ask, "What else are you feeling? How do you feel about this issue now? Have we covered everything? What else do you need?" Often, the initial argument covers only the leading edge feeling. If you don't go back and ask if there's anything else, you'll wind up revisiting the issue in another fight down the line.

*****

Read more by Jay Dixit on Psychology Today’s Brainstorm blog.

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Yes, Tonight - and Every Night - Honey

Men do everything they do in order to get laid.

by Satoshi Kanazawa, PhD, evolutionary psychologist at London School of Economics and author of Psychology Today's The Scientific Fundamentalist blog.

From an evolutionary psychological perspective, the ultimate (albeit often unconscious) motive of all human behavior is reproductive success. Among humans (and all other mammals), sex and mating are a female choice; it happens when and with whom women, not men, want it.

The power of female choice becomes apparent in a simple thought experiment. Imagine a society where sex and mating were entirely a male choice; individuals have sex whenever and with whomever men want, not whenever and with whomever women want. What would happen in such a society? Absolutely nothing, because people would never stop having sex! There would be no civilization in such a society, because people would not do anything besides have sex.

In reality, women do often say no to men. This is why men throughout history have had to conquer foreign lands, win battles and wars, compose symphonies, author books, write sonnets, paint portraits and cathedral ceilings, make scientific discoveries, play in rock bands, and write new computer software, in order to impress women so that they will agree to have sex with them. There would be no civilization, no art, no literature, no music, no Beatles, no Microsoft, if sex and mating were a male choice. Men have built (and destroyed) civilizations in order to impress women so that they might say yes. Women are the reason men do everything.

Bill Maher captures the essence of female choice perfectly, when he quips: "For a man to walk in to a bar and have his choice of any woman he wants, he would have to be the ruler of the world. For a woman to have the same power over men, she'd have to do her hair." Any reasonably attractive young woman exercises as much power as the (male) ruler of the world.

Put differently, every woman has the power to predict the future, while very few men do. If a man wakes up in the morning and says to himself, "Tonight I will get laid," the prediction will almost always fail, unless he is incredibly handsome. If a woman - any woman - wakes up in the morning and says to herself, "Tonight I will get laid," the prediction will always come true every time. Such is the power of female choice. This is why men - be they criminals or scientists - must impress women; men do everything they do in order to get laid.

*****

Read more by Satoshi Kanazawa on Psychology Today’s The Scientific Fundamentalist blog.

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Turn Off Your Defense System

When you are defensive, the worst is likely to happen.

by Steven Stosny, PhD, author of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It and Psychology Today's Anger in the Age of Entitlement blog.

Except in the case of abuse or battering, the real barrier to a satisfying intimate relationship is not the personality, selfishness, ill will, poor behavior choices, or communication skills of you or your partner. The real enemy of your relationship is the hypersensitive automatic defense system that has evolved between you.

Activated almost entirely without words, the defense system is triggered unconsciously by body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice. By the time you're aware of any feelings, it's usually in an advanced stage. It's the feeling you get when your partner doesn't look at you, or sighs as you enter the room, or when he starts with that "tone." Suddenly you find yourself in a defensive posture, prepared for the worst.

Of course, when you are both defensive, the worst is likely to happen. You can just as suddenly find yourself in a battle of cold shoulders or curt exchanges or hot arguments- the missiles start flying on their own, with no one giving the order. You both feel powerless. You get irritable, impatient, resentful, or angry and want to stonewall, ignore, avoid, shut down, criticize, yell, or devalue yourself or your partner.

Disarming Your Defenses

• See it as a pattern between you rather than something your partner does to you.


• Make a core value decision of what is more important to you-giving in to your defense system or disarming it.


• Maintain the will to disarm it, even when it feels awkward or scary to do so.


• Appreciate times of hypersensitivity and the enormous power of incendiary triggers.


• Be compassionate to yourself and your partner.


• Be allies against it-it's bigger than either one of you but not bigger than both of you.


• Be able to say, "Oh, we're triggered again; let's set it right. You're important to me; I want us to be close."

*****

Read more postings by Steven Stosny on Psychology Today's Anger in the Age of Entitlement blog.

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Schooled in Jealousy

by Thomas Moore, author of Psychology Today's Care of the Soul blog.

When I think of how naive and ignorant I was about love in my late teens and twenties, and not much better in my thirties, I wonder how I survived. When I was twenty-six, going on thirteen, a friend who was a Catholic sister pleaded with me not to get seriously involved with anyone. She knew how inexperienced I was.

But I learned quickly. I had to, given my romantic temperament and my tendency to fall fast and deep into love. I learned most of the laws of love through jealousy-burning, painful, clinging, obliterating jealousy.

I know that jealousy can be a dangerous thing. It is one of the love sicknesses. But you shouldn't just try to get rid of it. It has a purpose: to make your capacity to love more mature.

Jealousy forces you to consider one of the great conundrums that every person faces: how to want another person madly and at the same time grant her her freedom as a person with her own life and fate. You can't learn this from a book or a counseling session. Jealousy can teach you, but only if you are able to go through it to the end. All the questions with which you torture yourself, all your doubts, all your shifting back and forth-all of these tools of jealousy twist you out of your immaturity and eventually teach you how to love. Your heart expands, and you become capable of loving the other passionately while taking pleasure in honoring the mysterious laws and attractions that make her who she is.

*****

Read more by Thomas Moore on Psychology Today’s Care of the Soul blog.

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Loving What Is

by Alix Kates Shulman, author of To Love What Is: A Marriage Transformed and Psychology Today's Love and Dementia blog.

In July 2004, my husband, whom I fell for in 1950, tumbled off a balcony, suffering a traumatic brain injury that left him unable to remember anything from that day on or find his way home from across the street. Our marriage, built on equality and mutual support, was radically transformed as I became his caregiver.

People wondered why I didn't place him in a nursing home and get on with my life, not realizing that his dependency brought us closer and infused my life with new purpose. Though his emotional outbursts, typical of TBI, were sometimes difficult to handle, behind his symptoms he remained his gentle, sunny self, dancing with me daily, relishing a cappuccino, thanking me for "sticking by" him.

For the entire first year, I was determined to heal him, like someone possessed. But after I recognized that his cognitive impairment was permanent, I switched my goal to creating for us lives as fulfilling as possible. For him that meant being with me; for me it also meant writing. I hired a caregiver weekdays from 9 to 2 and began writing To Love What Is: A Marriage Transformed, a memoir about his accident and its aftermath. Of all my books, it was the most efficiently written, partly because time was limited; partly because our searing story, a love story, came pouring out of me.

Love, life's natural sweetener, can ease the way to embracing your fate (amor fati, in Nietzsche's phrase), accepting whatever lies in store. If someday I am no longer able to care for him at home, I hope I will adapt gracefully and continue to love what is.

*****

Read more by Alix Kates Shulman on Psychology Today’s Love and Dementia blog.

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Hungry for Heavier Women?

Why men love heavy women in bad times.

by Matthew Hutson, Psychology Today News Editor and contributor for Brainstorm.



When men are hungry they're more attracted to heavier women. Some evolutionary psychologists argue that in an environment where food is scarce, potential sires want to bank their sperm in a body that can provide for its offspring. What about when other resources are scarce? Can financial insolvency prompt desire for a plump mate?

Some evidence says yes. Viren Swami, Martin Tovée, and others have shown that in societies around the world, socioeconomic status negatively correlates with preferred mate weight: men in cultures with fat wallets want skinny women. Comparing populations is scientifically messy though; too many extraneous factors.

Psychologists Leif Nelson and Evan Morrison manipulated individual male participants' financial satisfaction by asking them about personal savings in a way that made them feel either rich or poor, then asked them to name the ideal body weight of a potential partner. Feeling poor added a few pounds to that number. (They also demonstrated that hungry men want fat women by cornering undergrads on their way in or out of the dining hall.)

Swami and Tovée repeated Nelson and Morrison's hunger study, confirming their results. But when they repeated the personal-savings study using purportedly more rigorous methods (subjects rated photographs of women), men induced to feel rich and men induced to feel poor each preferred women with a BMI between 20 and 21. And the groups had identical ratings of women with a BMI of 30. So financial insecurity did NOT arouse a preference for plus-sizes.

So what makes food special as a resource? It's possible that money is too abstract and too recent an invention to tap into the same drives as physiological hunger. Or maybe hunger merely enhances aesthetic appreciation of any heavy object, whether a woman or a watermelon.

*****

Read more by Matthew Hutson on Psychology Today’s Brainstorm blog.

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How to Berate Your Mate

Changing two me's into a we.

by Jay Dixit, Psychology Today Senior Editor and contributor for Brainstorm.

If your partner is doing something that's bothering you, there's a right way and a wrong way to bring it up. The right way to do it is gently, in such a way that the other person can't possibly doubt your love - what relationship psychologist John Gottman calls "softened startup."

The wrong way is to make your partner feel criticized. Gottman has found that 96 percent of time, the way the conflict begins is the way it continues-which is why conversations that start with criticism end in anger and bitterness.

Forget old resentments, let go of the need to win, and don't assign blame. Gottman calls this method "no fault discussion." Rather than dredging up old arguments, figuring out whose fault it was, and bringing up past grievances, you start fresh.

Complain, don't blame; start the sentence with "I" instead of "you" to make it clear you're not criticizing the other person, but rather, bringing up a problem with the relationship you can solve together; describe what's happening without evaluating or judging; talk clearly about what you need; be polite; and give your appreciation.

Finally, maintain your emotional connection with your partner even when discussing irritants. Be present and listen to each other with empathy and emotional openness, and using the tools at your disposal-eye contact, voice, and touch-to maintain a loving connection during the conversation. Being present with your partner is more important than the topic of discussion.

"Basically we have to become more loving," says John Buri, a psychologist at the University of St. Thomas. "The heart of it comes down to moving from two me's to a we. If we can take on an identity of we, it changes everything."

*****

Read more by Jay Dixit on Psychology Today’s Brainstorm blog.

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The Dating Cheat Sheet

When he's just not that into you.

by Carlin Flora, Psychology Today's Senior Editor and contributor for Brainstorm.


This is for those of you who didn't see the Sex and the City episode that launched the handy-if-harsh phrase, "He's just not that into you." And for those who didn't read the book with the same title by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. And for those who don't plan on seeing the star-studded movie based on the book. Here's your Valentine's gift: A "Cliff Notes" to this practical dating philosophy.

Here's the scenario: You meet a man whom you're excited about. You have a great time with him. Then he doesn't call for a while, or leaves it to you to ask him out for the next date. Maybe he flat out says that he's not interested in a relationship, or that he's completely focused on his business-novel-yoga.

But you know that you're a great catch, and that you could be a wonderful girlfriend for him. What do you do? You give him the benefit of the doubt - you're a nice, understanding person, after all. You come up with excuses for his mixed messages: "He's busy." "He just doesn't like talking on the phone." "My last email landed in his junk folder." "He's intimidated by my intelligence."

The simple truth you need to hear: if a guy really likes you, he will chase you, call you, ask you out, and want you to be his girlfriend. Men, the authors of the book insist, would rather do anything than actually TELL you that they are not into you. So you need to take their actions at face value.

It's easy, really. Stop going out with men who aren't treating you the way they should if they really like you. And yet, of course it's complicated, because women like to think of themselves (and the men they're dating) as exceptional: "Well, maybe this stuff applies to most guys, but my guy really is busy!" Or, "Well, he says he's not ready for a new girlfriend, but I know he'll change his mind."

Also, it's very hard to meet a man with whom you really click. So when you do - especially if you're feeling lonely - you're going to hang on to hope rather than read his clear signals. (Remember, "mixed" signals are negative signals.) Instead, have hope that you will meet a great guy who is into you. That is, if you're not busy wasting time on those who aren't.

*****

Read more by Carlin Flora on Psychology Today’s Brainstorm blog.

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Welcome to Modern Love

It's still the same old story,
A fight for love and glory,
A case of do or die...

Is it the same old story? What's so different about love in the time of texting and testing? And what universal truths remain the same? Or are there new ways of thinking about dating, mating and relating?

Welcome to the world of Modern Love, a new title and new direction for our blog where we'll be talking about sex, relationships, and health. A variety of guest experts will share their thinking about the way we love today. So whether you're part of a committed couple or are a single seeking someone; a hot body or a homebody, come along and share the ride - and your comments - as we explore the current state of love, sex, health and harmony.

The world will always welcome lovers as time goes by.*

Kate Royston
Community Editor

*© 1931 Warner Bros. Music Corporation, ASCAP

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When the Little Head is Thinking Better Than the Big One

For several months, I have been working with a man who was engaged to be married to his fiancée. They were in sex therapy because she was unwilling to go forward with the wedding until he was able to ejaculate in her vagina during intercourse. This had not happened yet for them, though he had done so with some other women.

He had not had many long-term relationships in his life and there had been some casual partners. In his main long-term relationship, he'd been unable to ejaculate at first, but after about four sexual experiences together things changed and there was no problem. She turned out not to be the right partner for him despite their sexual compatibility.

He had met his fiancée online and they began dating. She had many attractive features and was very appealing physically. She was about ten years younger and in her mid-twenties -- and still living at home.

My client abided by his fiancée's father-imposed curfew of 9 p.m., but over time, he began to have some misgivings about the level of independence that his intended bride would truly have, even once they were married. He had discussed this with her, but she did not see the situation similarly.

After several months of therapy that included low-dose use of Wellbutrin to facilitate orgasm for my client, they seemed no closer to reaching her requirement for marriage. So the wedding date was cancelled. They tried to continue to date and be sexual, but she dropped it down to about one date per week -- still with the 9 p.m. curfew.

My client's sexual response still did not change, despite addressing several issues that may have contributed to a lifelong pattern of being somewhat less likely to have an orgasm than many men.

Then, in one appointment that he attended alone, it all came tumbling out. He realized that his penis, the "little head," was thinking much better than the "big head" that had wanted to marry her. By not reaching orgasm, he was preventing himself from stepping into a very strict patriarchal in-law family structure -- and from all descriptions, probably a wise move for him.

Sometimes sexual dysfunctions have an unseen purpose that permit people to make better choices for themselves. This isn't the first time that I've seen this happen -- and I am sure that it will not be the last time.

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