How Tension and Relaxation are Important to Women's Orgasms

About 10% of women have never had an orgasm -- either with a partner or during masturbation. So quite a few of them have found their way into my therapy practice. Many come to their first appointment with some confusion about issues involved when learning to become orgasmic.

One key issue is learning to develop a balance between relaxation and tension during sexual activity. But, how can a woman be both tense and relaxed at the same time?

The type of tension that helps reach orgasm is muscle tension (myotonia, the scientific language for the same thing). Many women who have not yet had an orgasm have the mistaken impression that they should relax and "just lay there." They've heard that relaxation during sex is important. But it turns out that muscle tension is very often necessary to have an orgasm. So many women learn to have their first orgasm by incorporating a fair amount of leg, abdominal and buttock tension. Sometimes even the muscles of the feet can be tensed in a productive way. And some women tense their upper body as well.

Only a very small percentage of women experience no body tension as they approach the release of orgasm. Interestingly, there are muscle contractions that occur in the lower pelvis that are a key part of the experience of orgasm. The same muscles that you squeeze in order to stop the flow of urine midstream contract automatically during orgasm.

This group is called the pubococcygeus muscle group and a conscious contraction of that group is called a "Kegel exercise." Many women contract these muscles during their sexual experiences in order to help build up their arousal. Contractions (or tensing) of the various muscles bring more blood to that area of the body. One important aspect of arousal is increased blood flow to the genital area (called vasocongestion in scientific terms).

So, where's the relaxation part of this equation? In the brain. By suggesting that a woman "relax," what is meant is that during sex it's best for her not to be worrying, questioning herself, or getting ahead of where she actually is in the process of building sexual arousal. The main task is to be focused primarily on the feeling of the sensations of the stimulation.

To help keep this type of relaxation going, I recommend using the "silent radio technique." You may have seen one of these in post offices or other public places in which long lines can form. Their purpose is to keep people's hostility at a low level despite long waits. Think of a Times Square sign in which words stream into view from the left-hand side of a rectangular black box, travel to the right edge, and then disappear off the screen. The ones I've seen have horoscopes, sports scores, news highlights and such.

When using it during sex, some women find it helpful to put a repetitive mantra such as "I can take as long as I want" or "This really feels great" on their mental silent radio. It keeps the brain occupied -- but with a thought that will foster sexual arousal rather than with one that decreases arousal.

So one aspect of learning to be orgasmic involves these two suggestions that, on the surface, seem to be contradictory, but when employed tend to help make substantial progress toward the desired outcome.

Related Topics:

• WebMD Video: For Women: Loss of Libido as You Age
• WebMD Video: Exercises for Better Sexsion

Technorati Tags: orgasm, masturbation, sexual satisfaction, health-and-wellness

Sexual Satisfaction Tied to Smell

You may remember the experiment in 1995 in which female (presumably heterosexual) college students were asked to rate the "pleasantness" of the smell of several unwashed T-shirts that had been worn for two nights by several different male students. It showed that the more different the woman and man were in their genes (in particuar, the ones that cause immune responses), the more "pleasant" she rated his T-shirt.

In other words, the less they both had genes that serve the protective function of causing immune responses, the more likely the woman would be sexually attracted to him. On average, heterosexual couples share only about 20% of their immune system genes. So, when it comes to immune system genes, opposites do attract.

More studies have occurred on related topics. Male odors that a heterosexual woman subconsciously recognizes may have a powerful effect on sexual attraction. In Psychological Science, Oct. 2006, researchers found that woman appeared happieset with their sex lives when their immune systems were not similar to those of their male partners. Women whose immune systems were similar to their male romantic partner's were also more likely to have sex with other men -- or at least to think about doing it.

The men and women in this study answered questions about their relationships. Each person rated their partner in terms of thoughtfulness, attractiveness, support, intelligence and other similar attributes. They also answered questions about their enjoyment of sex and their level of attraction to others.

There was no correlation between the immune system genes and the nonsexual factors of their relationship, but there was a correlation with the sexual factors. In fact, the greater the similar immune system genes, the greater the likelihood of dissatisfaction with the woman's sex life with that partner.

Interestingly, there was no correlation between men's gene and their enthusiasm for sex with the partner they had nor for interest in having sex with other women.

What might be driving the women's response? The researchers speculate that women, on an unconscious level, may be seeking to produce healthy children and therefore respond to men with very different sets of genes from their own. Children with different sets of immune system genes may have a greater ability to fight off a wider set of diseases.

This "scent of a man" certainly is not the entire explanation for heterosexual women's attraction, but it does offer an evoluationary perspective on some attractions that otherwise seem indescribable.

Related Topics:

• WebMD Video: Human Pheromones: Our Love Scents
• WebMD Video: Exercises for Better Sex

Technorati Tags: sexuality, sex matters, pheromones