"Coming Out" to Others and "Coming In" to Self

Last year I had quite a few parents bring their teenage sons to me for therapy to help them figure out their sexual orientation. Some parents brought their daughters too, but for some reason, not as many last year. For young male or females, managing the fact that they are not attracted to members of the other sex is a multifaceted process. It is not a single "event." It involves the development of their unique self and maintaining relationships with others. Most people have heard of a gay male or lesbian "coming out," but what's necessary first is the "coming in" to oneself.

What does this involve? It begins with the awareness of their minority sexual orientation. There is about a two-year period of time for many youth during which they self identify as non-heterosexual -- but they tend to keep this information to themselves.

Youths assume that they are heterosexual -- so does most everyone else. But, as they begin to realize that they are different, they must try to rectify in their minds these two sets of feelings. It can lead to some convoluted thoughts like, "I think I am normal, but I have feelings that are not normal. These feelings must be wrong...Maybe I don't really have these feelings."

Research suggests that on the average, youth are about ten when they first realize that they are not heterosexual. They are nearly thirteen when they have their first same-sex crush. At about fourteen, they label themselves as gay or lesbian. At sixteen they tend to disclose their orientation to a friend and about eighteen when they tell their parents. (These statistics come from research by D'Augelli, Hershberger and Pilkington, 1989, "Lesbian, gay and bisexual youth and their families: Disclosure of sexual orientation and its consequences," American Journal of Orthopshychiatry)

Youths are more likely to come out to peers before they come out to their families and a same-age peer is often the first choice. This experience can lead to further coming out or shutting the process down if it goes badly.

It is stressful to hide sexual orientation from one's family. But coming out to parents can be even more stressful. The majority of teens report that they come out to their mothers first, but they avoid telling if they suspect that they will be rejected. Youths from minority cultures often get an additional load because when they come out to their parents there can be repercussions because of ties that their family may have to their religious, racial, or ethnic communities. Some get stuck having to choose between being a sexual minority and an ethnic minority -- which may mean losing access to their cultural connections. Some even try to protect their families from shame by distancing themselves from the community and their family.

When teens do come out to their families, their internal motivations stem from several sources: trying to be honest, reducing the strain of deceiving others, increasing confidence, rising self-acceptance, and often anger.

As it stands, teens who are not heterosexual, for the most part, cannot rely on their parents to offer them support, accept their identity, or nurture it. So, they withdraw. Last year was an exceptional year. Each parent that I met was doing exactly that -- supporting their child. I look forward to meeting many of the same kind of parents this year.

Related Topics:

• Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual Adolescents
• Your Kids: Accept Them as They Are

Technorati Tags: parenting, coming out, sexuality, gay, lesbian, homosexual, bisexual, same sex, teen, health-and wellness

How Internet Pop Ups Destroy Lives

About seven years ago, a couple consulted me in my therapy office concerning their sexual relationship. They had both been divorced and in their early sixties. She had settled into their relationship emotionally much sooner than he had. He had resisted sexual exclusivity at first, but was gradually turning in that direction.

They did not live together and due to some of his behaviors early in their dating relationship, she did not have a great deal of trust in him. Yet, they were most definitely involved with one another.

One day she decided to "poke around" on his computer. To her surprise, sexual pop ups appeared on the screen. She made the assumption (somewhat common in 1999) that these types of ads didn't show up unless you've sought them out. And, while she didn't expect him to never look at sexually explicit materials online, she was upset about the type of sexual content that appeared. In this case, it was for females who were portrayed as "underage."

My sophistication then about computers did not include the level of understanding I have now. Nor was software to block these intrusions as effective. My client firmly declared that he never looked at that type of material, but she was unconvinced. I honestly have to say that I just didn't know. He seemed very sincere, yet...

The pop ups ultimately drove the level of distrust too high for their relationship to survive.

Yesterday, another case of malware damaging a life was brought to my attention: Julie Amero, a seventh grade substitute teacher in Connecticut. She is facing 40 years in prison after sexually explicit popup ads came up on her computer screen during a middle school literature class in 2004. When the offending windows started popping up, she'd close them. The more she closed them, the more they popped up. Not knowing how to stop them, she turned the monitor away from the students and tried as hard as she could to keep them from seeing the images on the screen. You can read more about it here. The jury convicted her of 4 counts of willfully and unlawfully endangering the morals of a minor.

The issue of trust is woven throughout in these two cases. In the first case, this couple most likely went on to other relationships. But, in the case of the teacher, most of the rest of her life is potentially at stake -- all because of the meaning that people give to sexual images.

The female client in my office was offended that the man with whom she was romantically involved might have eroticism toward females made to look very young. It was distasteful to her on a deep level and this man had not earned a high level of credibility in her eyes on topics unrelated to sex.

In the case of the children, apparently the parents of these young teens did not want to trust that the appearance of these sexual images was not intentional on the part of the teacher. They also did not trust themselves to explain the images that their children accidentally saw. And, they did not trust their children to authentically bring up their concerns or voice reactions to them to alleviate any psychological damage that they might have incurred.

Instead, they trusted in the legal system and in attorneys who thrive on building their reputations as the prosecutors of smut.

This accident was an opportunity for parents to explain that there are many sexual things that go on in the world -- and that there are people who want to see pictures of it. And so, there are people who try to make money from what some people want to see.

Parents who think that their young teens have not thought about sexuality are kidding themselves. And, many of their children have seen sexual images -- granted, not in the middle of English class. Parents would be shocked at the creativity of their children when it comes to seeking sexually explicit images online.

At times like these, I always hope that parents will reach for the "teachable moment" and connect with their kids rather than go into high speed fretting about psychological trauma. It is my suspicion that more trauma has been done to the community in which Amero taught due to the specious trial than the momentary glimpse of sexual activity her students accidentally saw.

I find myself wondering if the images had been some graphic photos of a murder scene that some peddler managed to get through the filters if Amero would be facing the possibility of 40 years for that.

Related Topics:

• Internet Porn Reaches Most Teens
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• Virtual Sex: Threat to Real Intimacy

Technorati Tags: Julie Amero, sexuality, parenting