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The Secret to a Happy Marriage (and Healthy Self): Separate Beds? I Doubt it!
This topic is always popular: sleeping in separate beds for the sake of getting restful sleep and enjoying your partner even more as a result.
If you answered yes to any of the above, you're not alone (well, maybe you are alone now sleeping soundly in your own bed).
In 2005, the National Sleep Foundation began reporting on this trend in separate sleeping beds. A survey then showed that 23 percent of married Americans sleep alone, an increase from 12 percent in 2001. Glamour magazine also reported on a survey of builders and architects who predict that double master bedrooms will soon be the norm.
Then there's the report by British sleep specialist Dr. Neil Stanley at a recent conference that has lots of people talking on the Internet: married people suffer 50 percent more harmful sleep disturbances if they share a bed. And this does not bode well for the sufferer of poor sleep, as it can cause depression, heart disease, stroke, lung disorders and accidents.
No doubt about that. He could have just summed it all up by saying bed partners are hazardous to your health!
But I think this is a bit one-sided. I am not questioning the validity of his results, but there are some serious advantages to sleeping with a bed partner.
Okay, so the separate bed thing may not be for everyone. But if you have a bad bed partner, and the last time you got a good night's sleep was when you were alone in your bed, then it may be time to look at this situation. Here is what I suggest:
If you are concerned that your bed partner may have a sleep disorder, a visit to a primary care physician and/or sleep specialist is the place to start to rule out potentially serious disorders like sleep apnea, periodic limb movement, or restless leg syndrome, or any other health issue that could be interfering with their (or your) sleep.
Or, in the very least, opt for a bigger bed. You may be surprised by how well today's mattresses can accommodate two very different sleepers.
Here is what I know to be true above all else:
I have saved more marriages as a sleep specialist than I probably would have as a marital therapist, just by getting people back in bed, sleeping together!
Sweet Dreams.
Michael J. Breus, PhD
The Sleep Doctor™
www.thesleepdoctor.com
Related Topics:
- Have you ever been awakened by your bed partner? (snoring, thrashing, moving around)
- Have you ever been the unintentional recipient of a battle by your bed partner in the middle of the night? (hit or punched as your bed partner physically plays out his dream without even knowing it)
- Have you ever gotten better sleep in your partner's absence?
- Have you ever slept on a couch because you couldn't get the sleep you needed in the same bed as your partner?
- Have you ever thought about sleeping in separate beds on a routine basis?
If you answered yes to any of the above, you're not alone (well, maybe you are alone now sleeping soundly in your own bed).
In 2005, the National Sleep Foundation began reporting on this trend in separate sleeping beds. A survey then showed that 23 percent of married Americans sleep alone, an increase from 12 percent in 2001. Glamour magazine also reported on a survey of builders and architects who predict that double master bedrooms will soon be the norm.
Then there's the report by British sleep specialist Dr. Neil Stanley at a recent conference that has lots of people talking on the Internet: married people suffer 50 percent more harmful sleep disturbances if they share a bed. And this does not bode well for the sufferer of poor sleep, as it can cause depression, heart disease, stroke, lung disorders and accidents.
No doubt about that. He could have just summed it all up by saying bed partners are hazardous to your health!
But I think this is a bit one-sided. I am not questioning the validity of his results, but there are some serious advantages to sleeping with a bed partner.
- In many cases this is the time for intimacy, from cuddling to sex, and it usually occurs in bed. Sure you can have "dates" for this, but how do you say "Honey I love you, thanks and Bye!"
- Sometimes this is one of the best times for communication. If you have been running around all day, and not had time to "catch up" with your partner, this is usually the best time to do it. Of course large emotional discussions are best out of the bedroom, but just everyday catching up is fine.
- While I can't put my finger on it, the mere fact that you are physically close to someone, feels like (no pun intended) it has a positive effect on any relationship. Think about what you are saying to someone when you refuse to sleep next to them.
- There is also one research study from Australia that shows men sleep better when they are sleeping next to someone.
Okay, so the separate bed thing may not be for everyone. But if you have a bad bed partner, and the last time you got a good night's sleep was when you were alone in your bed, then it may be time to look at this situation. Here is what I suggest:
If you are concerned that your bed partner may have a sleep disorder, a visit to a primary care physician and/or sleep specialist is the place to start to rule out potentially serious disorders like sleep apnea, periodic limb movement, or restless leg syndrome, or any other health issue that could be interfering with their (or your) sleep.
- If it is snoring that bothers your sleep, consider ear plugs, a sound machine, or some type of anti-snoring device.
- If it is their movement that bothers your sleep, consider a new mattress that reduces motion transfer.
- If they get up in the middle of the night and disturb you, consider two beds in the same room, or a mattress that reduces motion transfer.
- If they have a different schedule, consider scheduling changes, eye masks, book lights, etc.
Or, in the very least, opt for a bigger bed. You may be surprised by how well today's mattresses can accommodate two very different sleepers.
Here is what I know to be true above all else:
I have saved more marriages as a sleep specialist than I probably would have as a marital therapist, just by getting people back in bed, sleeping together!
Sweet Dreams.
Michael J. Breus, PhD
The Sleep Doctor™
www.thesleepdoctor.com
Related Topics:
Labels: health and wellness, marriage, sleep, sleep problems, snoring
11 Comments:
I think it's interesting that a male doctor is recommending that people stay in the same bed, even though I'd argue it's predominantly men who snore loud enough to wake others. For me, getting older (but having a younger child) has meant much much lighter sleep, which encroaching menopause is not helping. I can't do earplugs because someone has to hear the child, but if I don't, I don't sleep. Separate beds right now is the only thing that works for us. Don't judge someone else's choices just because you can't imagine their situation.
Dear Anonymous said,
Sounds like you have a man problem. Maybe after you get over your menopause you will see things more clearly.
Sorry, but I have to say separate beds have worked for us. I am 55 years old and I appreciate so much a good nights sleep. My husband snores and we've tried numerous things to try and help the situation and they haven't worked, so we've been in separate rooms for about 8 months. My husband agrees that his sleep has been wonderful as well. Occasionally we have "dates" and that has been good also, but we both agree the "sleep" has been fantastic (we both have jobs that we require we get the "8" hours of good sleep.
Have to agree if we won the lotto tomorrow, I build a beautiful house with 2 master bedrooms@
Separate beds came from The King
and The Queen. He ruled The country
and needed a rest. Sometimes they
have had "dates". ....It's very
interesting subject -- a history..
Today we have "a king bed" or/and
"a queen bed", and we sleep together (?!)
In the same room we also could use twin beds.
In different rooms we could use any
beds --- AND SLEEP BETTER !
Once the kids moved out and we suddenly had two extra bedrooms, it seemed silly to keep bothering each other all night and grumping at each other all day. With his intermittent insomnia and my sleep apnea (treated with a CPAP machine), separate bedrooms have made us a happier, healthier couple. Both beds are big enough for two, and both of us know how to get from one room to the other.
acai berry
After 30 years of marriage, trying all the anti-snore products on the market, at least 5 different mattress options, alway in king size, doctor visits (doctor said he deserves to snore because he works so hard), we each took our own bedrooms several months ago. The bedrooms are on opposite ends of the house and we both feel more energetic and rested when we get up each morning. The only problem has been that our five children think it is terrible that Mom & Dad aren't sleeping in the same room, that was the problem, he didn't sleep well because he was worried that I wasn't sleeping and I didn't sleep well because it takes a nanosecond for him to fall asleep & start snoring. This has saved our marriage.
To the Anonymous person who suggested that getting over menopause will make someone see things more clearly - shame on you. Your comment was uncalled for and ridiculous. You obviously don't have to deal with a snoring partner and don't view someone else's point of view as valid.
As separate sleepers, I do admit that we miss out on some of that intimate closeness of just being side by side, pats in the night, or conversation. But not sleeping is far worse and neither of us are good sleepers anyway. Just have to make an effort to stay connected as much as possible. Couples can find all kinds of ways to stay apart even when in the same room- how about turning off those darn TV's?
Seems to me that sleeping together has not always been the only acceptable choice. Separate bedrooms were the norm during certain periods... anyone know historically when sharing the same bed every night became so popular?
It's not really a comment. I just want to know quality solutions for a married couple when the female is going through menopause. My hot/cold fits every few mintues is making my husband crazy and if we keep the window open so it's cold enough for me, he's freezing and waking up with stiff muscles. Has anyone found really viable solutions without sleeping in separate beds?
b
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