WebMD BlogsHealthy Sex

5 Mistakes Men Make in Bed

650x350_his-mistakes
Laurie J. Watson, LMFT - Blogs
By Laurie J. Watson, LMFTCertified sex therapistSeptember 13, 2016
From the WebMD Archives

Most men come to sex therapy to learn better technique. But, while it is important to know what she likes specifically, his sexual skill isn’t usually what’s causing the problem. If he’s making a mistake, it’s more likely to be one (or more) of the following:

1. Thinking that her lower desire means he’s unattractive. When a man sees a beautiful woman cross his path, he feels something – something in his body. His attraction stirs sensations in his genitals. The mere sight of his partner can cause a partial erection. But when a woman sees an attractive man, whether her partner or another, it would be very rare for her to feel instantaneous warmth or lubrication in her genitals. Rather, she’s notes intellectually that he is good-looking. Even with the enthusiastic exclamation, “He’s hot!” her genitals don’t signal her that it’s time to have sex. Male desire is rooted in his body; her desire springs from her memory, imagination, and fantasy. Good seduction helps her anticipate the moment and build the sexual fantasy.

2. Frustration with her slower ability to be aroused. The difference between men and women’s arousal paths is the difference between a gas grill and a charcoal grill. Women would love to instantly turn on but in most circumstances their physiology just won’t allow a quick warm up. And if she is aware of your frustration or disappointment, her self-consciousness will make her even slower to arouse. The remedy: take your time, enjoy the slow burn, and savor the tantalization.

3. Believing that good sex is about his performance. Men can ruin intimacy with their partner by worrying about their erections and how long they last. If a man struggles with erections, he may need to retreat into a bubble of concentration in order to climax; this mental focus may make him seem remote, isolated, and unattached. To reassure her and stay connected, whisper words about her – how desirable she is and how much you want her.If an erection is slow or wanes, welcome it as an interval to arouse her body. If premature ejaculation is the issue, tell her that you can’t control the fast climax because she is so sexy. And remember, oral sex can be an excellent substitute for intercourse.

4. Moving too quickly to genital touch. Once men understand how long it takes to arouse a woman, they want to get the process started. Since they like their genitals stimulated directly, they assume their partner would appreciate the same frankness. But without allowing her to prepare psychologically, the grab in the kitchen feels invasive, the reach under the covers to initiate is surprising, and the early stimulation doesn’t excite. Instead, spend some time kissing and massaging the whole body.

5. Stimulating her vagina instead of her clitoris. What she feels in her vagina is not the reverse of what he feels on his penis. Sensation in the penis is based on touch, whereas, in the vagina, feeling is created by stretch and pressure. For women, it’s the clitoris that parallels penile sensation (except, her anatomy is more delicate and sensitive). The clitoris, not the vagina, is the center of her sexual universe.

You can find Laurie Watson at AwakeningsCenter.org.

WebMD Blog
© 2016 WebMD, LLC. All rights reserved.
Blog Topics:
About the Author
Laurie J. Watson, LMFT

Laurie J. Watson, LMFT, is a certified sex therapist and author of Wanting Sex Again – How to Rekindle Desire and Heal a Sexless Marriage. Laurie helps couples “keep it hot” with her weekly podcast FOREPLAY – Radio Sex Therapy, weekend intensives, and telehealth consultations. A compelling and enthusiastic presenter, Laurie is regularly invited to speak at medical schools, conferences and retreats.

More from the Healthy Sex Blog

  • woman looking at herself in mirror

    Is Body Image Affecting Your Sex Life?

    Body image can really mess with our heads. For heterosexual women, the way they see their bodies can have a big impact on their feelings of ...

  • 650x350_Painful-Sex

    How Depression Affects Sex

    Depression can have a profound impact on sexual relationships. It can hamper our ability to feel emotionally secure with our partner, and ...

View all posts on Healthy Sex

Latest Blog Posts on WebMD

View all blog posts

Important: The opinions expressed in WebMD Blogs are solely those of the User, who may or may not have medical or scientific training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of WebMD. Blogs are not reviewed by a WebMD physician or any member of the WebMD editorial staff for accuracy, balance, objectivity, or any other reason except for compliance with our Terms and Conditions. Some of these opinions may contain information about treatments or uses of drug products that have not been approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. WebMD does not endorse any specific product, service or treatment.

Do not consider WebMD Blogs as medical advice. Never delay or disregard seeking professional medical advice from your doctor or other qualified healthcare provider because of something you have read on WebMD. You should always speak with your doctor before you start, stop, or change any prescribed part of your care plan or treatment. WebMD understands that reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment from a qualified health care provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or dial 911 immediately.

Read More