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Re-Invigorate Your Relationship

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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD - Blogs
By Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhDPsychologistApril 15, 2015
From the WebMD Archives

Has your relationship slipped into a boring rut? You love your partner, but you’re just not feeling the love? Then it’s time for a relationship “pick-us-up.” When relationships are stagnating, it’s often because the partners in it are stagnating, too. So, one of the best things you can do for your relationship is for each of you to re-energize yourself.

People are most attractive when they are totally engaged doing or talking about their interests and passions. It’s entrancing. And frequently when partners first meet, this experience is part of what captures their attention and keeps them spellbound. However, with time and the natural rhythms of life, the energy fades at some point. If all goes well, the partners hang in there and are ready to ride the wave of energy up again when it surges. But all too often partners become emotionally disconnected from their own lives, losing their zest for life. Not surprisingly, their interest in each other also fades.

If this describes your relationship, don’t worry — it can be revived. The formula is relatively simple: renew your personal enjoyment in your own lives and then share these with each other.

Begin by paying attention. What are you already doing that you really enjoy? What possible new experiences pique your curiosity? If these questions leave you feeling blank, think about what pursuits you have enjoyed in the past. Then follow up on this reflection with action. Explore your interests. Venture out into some unknown territory that you’ve wondered about. This could mean learning a new language, becoming a literacy volunteer, or making plans to visit a new place. The important part of this exercise is that you feel engaged in what you are doing.

When you connect with an activity or interest, you will naturally feel energized. The poet David Mason recently addressed this experience of this in an interview in The Sun magazine. He said, “Sometimes I can’t just sit here vibrating with my own joy; I have to write about it, share it.” Similarly, you’ll find that in connecting with an interest, your enjoyment will shine like a light from within – a light that will likely draw your partner in. Sometimes this alone is enough to re-invigorate your relationship, but you may also need to engage with your partner about your new interest in a more direct way — whether by including your partner in your interest or even just talking about it.

To increase your attraction to your partner, encourage them to share their active interests with you. If they seem caught in mechanically going through the motions of daily life, suggest that they return to an old interest – or perhaps pursue a new one. When they invest themselves in some aspect of their life that truly interests them – and share this with you – then you will likely once again feel the pull toward them.

So, engage your curiosity and explore your interests – it could be the step that re-invigorates you and your partner, both individually and as a couple.

Entries for the Relationships blog are for general educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation; and they should not be relied upon as a substitute for individual professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you need help for an emotional or behavioral problem, please seek the assistance of a psychologist or other qualified mental health professional.

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About the Author
Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD

Dr. Becker-Phelps is a licensed psychologist in NJ and NY, and is on staff at Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital, Somerset. She is dedicated to helping people understand themselves and what they need to do to become emotionally and psychologically healthy. She accomplishes this through her work as a psychotherapist, speaker and writer. She is the author of Bouncing Back from Rejection and Insecure in Love.

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