While I was taking opioids, I definitely didn’t make it public knowledge.
I didn’t care too much what people thought of me, but brandishing a big bottle of pills wherever I went – well, it just wasn’t something you do. It’s something you keep secret; something you bring out when no one’s looking. It’s taboo, prescription or not.
Basically, it wasn’t something I was proud of, especially when addiction took over and I felt trapped.
Getting clean was, for obvious reasons, the best thing I could’ve done at that time in my life, but I always found the reactions that other people had when they learned of my addiction to be funny.
“Good for you,” they’d say, patting me on the back. This was from the people who would say anything at all. The majority of them wouldn’t say anything, their silence showing their disapproval.
But I didn’t need other people’s disapproval. I already had plenty of my own.
Society and culture ingrain expectations into us: how we should look, dress, behave, etc. They shape the very way we think, along with the way we see ourselves.
Are we doing what the culture we’re part of expects of us? Then we’re good. Accepted.
But when things happen that take us away from those expectations, the ramifications can be … awful. Even if they’re of our own making.
I didn’t want to be an addict. I didn’t seek it out, didn’t live for my next high, and I definitely didn’t love the drugs I was on, the opioids I couldn’t get away from.
I doubt many of the “addicts” you see do either. You might think, Yeah, but you’re clean. You don’t have a problem with addiction anymore, so you should be good now.
You’re right. I am good now, but for a long time, I wasn’t. And although I was able to get out of that dark, dark hole where shame and despair colored every day I lived, many aren’t.
For me, the despair and shame that followed my addiction to opioids came as a result of failing the expectations I set for myself. Expectations I’d created as a result of my upbringing. Failing, then not knowing how to move forward as my brain attempted to heal from the years of addiction and abuse.
Feeling stuck, lost, and hopeless.
Many people think that people relapse and return to drugs or alcohol because they just can’t stay away from the substance they love so much. Because they want to use. But the reality is so much more complex than that, so much deeper.
For years I attempted to live a normal life, ignoring the hopelessness I felt inside. I went through the motions of things in an attempt to feel vibrant again, but most days, it seemed like it was no use. This was my new normal, and I had no choice but to get used to it.
If it wasn’t for the people in my life who needed me most, namely my children, who knows where I’d be now? At least I felt more normal when I was on opioids, even though I knew I wanted nothing to do with those drugs ever again.
I had no choice but to deal with those dark days and suffer through those years of despair and hopelessness. Now, being on the other side, I’m more able to see just how hard it is for anyone and everyone who’s ever had to deal with addiction.
Whatever country you live in, whatever culture you’re a part of, addiction doesn’t discriminate. Every person you see suffering as a result of addiction and every person doing their best to stay away from whatever substance are all struggling with feelings of shame and hopelessness.
And whether those feelings come from stigma, failing society’s strict expectations, or themselves, really, they’re all the same.
Photo Credit: Moment/Getty Images
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